I'd Rather...

In Search of Meaning
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A/N: *peeks out of bomb shelter*

Hi guys! I know, it's been a while. I have a little case of writer's block, but I managed to write up this little bit. Forgive me if it's not my best writing. >.<

Don't forget to leave comments afterward! I want to know your feels.

Enjoy!

 

Click.

Leo's ear twitched at the sound of a door closing as his consciousness began to crawl out of the darkness of sleep. He lazily rolled onto his side, facing the direction which the sound came from. 

Clack, clack, clack, clack.

His eyes slowly blinked open at the sound of heels hitting tiled floor that were gradually getting louder as the person approached. When he saw the white wall before him, his sleepy eyes snapped wide open in alarm as he recalled the last moments before losing consciousness.

The cabin exploded, and something hit me in the side. I fell down, and my body felt heavy. Was it a dart? 

Leo jolted upright in the white bed, and groaned as a wave of dizzyness overtook him. 

Hakyeon! What happened to Hakyeon and the others?! 

His heart plummeted and landed in his churning stomach as he took in the familiar sight of a mostly empty, blank room. 

The lab. I'm back at the lab? 

He gripped the sides of his head in despair.

No.

No, no, NO!

It can't be!

I can't be here!

HAKYEON can't be here!

Please, he can't be!

Leo snapped his gaze to the door when he heard the footsteps stop in front of it.

I need to know.

The door knob turned, and his heart raced as adrenaline pumped through his veins.

I need to know where Hakyeon is. I need to know what happened to the others.

A man in a white coat stepped into the room, followed by two men in black suits. When he noticed that Leo was awake, his lips stretched into a friendly smile.

"Hello, Leo. It's been a while, hasn't it?" He then turned to the two suits, and motioned for them to leave. When they didn't move, he reassured them, "It's alright. He won't hurt me." Reluctantly, the two men stepped out into the corridor. A photo ID card was clipped to the doctor's coat, but Leo didn't have to read the name printed beneath the picture to know the man.

"Yixing," Leo nearly snarled.

Yixing's smile faltered at Leo's tone, and took half a step back, nervously clutching his clipboard to his chest. Leo wasn't surprised by the reaction, considering their relationship prior to Leo's escape.

In all the years the wolf man spent in the lab, Zhang Yixing was one of the few doctors that showed him kindness. While the other doctors fed him the same bland food as all the other subjects, Yixing always tried to bring him something new to eat. It was thanks to Yixing that Leo knew what chicken was. He had even taught Leo how to read, and would occasionally bring books to occupy Leo's time. After finishing each book, Yixing would stay with him for hours discussing the novel's motifs and characters.

Leo treasured those times with the doctor, and one could say they were even friends. At least, Yixing had expressed multiple times that they were friends. However, now that the wolf man has seen the world outside of the lab, Leo thought otherwise.

"Leo," Yixing began hesitantly, only used to the docile side of the wolf man. "I understand that you are upset. If I was in your position, I would feel the same." Leo could tell the doctor was sincere, but he couldn't seem to bring himself to care. "But, you must know that it is for the best for you to have returned to the-"

Yixing barely had time to yelp in surprise before Leo was leaping off the bed and slamming the doctor into the wall, fists bunching up the collar of his white coat. 

"Where is he?!" Leo roared. Yixing's eyes widened in both shock and fear, unable to look away from the wolf man's bestial yellow orbs. "Where is Hakyeon?!"

"I-I d-don't know-" Yixing stuttered as his trembling hands fumbled futilely to free himself from Leo's vice-like grip. With a loud thud, the door to the room swung open as the two suits came barreling in with their weapons raised. Not wanting the wolf man to be hurt, he raised his hand in a halting gesture. Keeping their guns aimed at Leo, they reluctantly obeyed.

"Liar!" Leo snarled, gnashing his fangs as he gave the doctor a violent shake. "There's no way you don't know, now tell me where they are!"

Yixing shook his head frantically, unable to believe this was the same quiet man he had cared for for the past five years, "I don't know who you're talking about! Leo, please calm dow-"

"There were people with me when I was caught, a few of them you should already know!" Leo interrupted, and paused as he watched Yixing ponder over his statement. 

Finally, realization dawned in the doctor's eyes, "Hongbin, Key, and Ken..."

"Yes, so you must know what happened to the others!" When Yixing didn't respond, Leo tightened his grip to give him another shake; only to loosen it again when he saw guilt flutter across the doctor's face. "Tell me, Yixing," Leo demanded a little quieter, but still just as firm. He watched Yixing swallow nervously, and the action only caused Leo's anxiety to rise even higher.

"T-they didn't tell me much about the people your were with," Yixing began softly. "I only know that Hongbin, Ken, and Key were with you, along with six other men-"

At the mention of the other members in his group, Leo's grip constricted again, "I need to know what happened to them."

"I-I'm not supposed to tell you-"

"You will tell me," Leo growled menacingly, causing the two suits to tense. Yixing kept his hand up, urging them to stand down even as Leo threatened, "I'll kill you if you don't."

Yixing swallowed again, before straightening up slightly with some kind of resolve, "Key and Ken were returned to their rooms, just like you were. Hongbin..." the doctor inhaled as if bracing for something, "Hongbin is in the Purging room."

Leo's blood turned cold, and he bared his teeth angrily at Yixing, "How long has he been in there?"

Hesitantly, Yixing replied, "F-four hours..."

"And how long until he comes out?" The wolf man was almost afraid to hear the answer.

"Seven."

With a grimace, Leo lowered his head and breathed deeply to refrain from strangling the doctor. Hongbin has only been in the Purging room three times in his life, and both times he went to Leo for comfort after he was done. Multiple times Leo had asked him, cautiously, about what Purging was like. When Hongbin finally answered, his words were seared into Leo's mind; 

"I don't think it's something that can be truly explained with words. The best way for me to describe it is that it's like your blood is turning into acid, and your burning from the inside out. Your mind goes blank, and your senses are ripped apart. All you

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Kasou9
#1
Chapter 46: Hi i know its been a long time since you wrote this but anyway...i understand that you are no longer a starlight its sad but things like that hapoen to every fan ..... i also know that a lot of people love this story just like me and honestly i really want a happy ending for this the main reason is jonghyun because i only started reading this this week and when i first saw his name i was really sad he was in the fic then i realised you wrote this in 2015 _2016 and as the story went on i couldn't help but somehow just wish this would end happily because jonghyun is alive here and he gets to live and be happy in the end idk its weird to think that way but i felt glad he was in the fic and i was grateful to you but like
Dont remove him please it would be too sad at least like this remember him from time to time ppl will remember him while reading this fic i would really want to see the rest of the fic but its your choice after all and in case you dont finish it i still wanna thank you for the story it was lovely and thank you for sharing our love for vixx and shinee even if it ended somehow ♡
BlingBlingTiger
#2
Chapter 46: I think you need to do what you feel is best for you. We all need time to grieve and come to terms with what happened. I cried for days when I got the news and it feels like a part of me has been ripped away. I understand you not wanting to continue with him as a character in the story.
As for VIXX... Everyone has different opinions and ways of seeing things and dealing with situations...personally, when I see them exhausted and struggling, I worry about them, I want to lift some of the burden somehow. I want to tell them to rest and take care of themselves, but I also want to tell them to keep doing their best. I believe that VIXX and Starlights are a unit together and that it's our job to support and encourage each other. I love them all so, so much and their well-being (physically, mentally and emotionally) is of the utmost importance to me and so I worry a lot but I am also immensely proud of them. They always do their best and work hard to be the best that they can be while showing their appreciation for Starlights and I find that really admirable. Even exhausted, they give it their all to show their fans something amazing because they love Starlights and their passion for what they do is boundless. Seeing their determination despite the difficulties they face just makes me love them even more. To be honest, I could never abandon them like that. Leaving them because they were tired... is not a good reason. It's a shame that you couldn't grasp the immense effort they put in to show you a good performance.
Do what you want with the story and don't continue if you really can't, but please try to be more understanding of others in the future. We are all human beings and it is imperative to remember that they are humans too.
SuperShinee2pm2ne1 #3
Chapter 46: I think you should still continue writing the story. Though I understand the point about Jonghyun and with that I think you can 3 things with his character. The 1st option is to keep writing it with him in it, 2nd option is to exchange someone from another group with him and take the time to rewrite his parts to fit said new character and the 3rd option is to remove home out of the story completely. I personally would be sad if you take his character out but it's not my story to say any of the final stuff regarding the story. What ever you end up doing I'll respect it.
lunaticJTW
#4
Chapter 1: Whoa Taek calm ur
shuzyah
#5
Chapter 46: I am fine with not reading Jonghyun in the story for the time being, as it will hurt for the fans, and it will be tough for you too since you are questioning it. As for supporting VIXX.. considering what happen to Jonghyun, everyone r humans, including VIXX & yourself. If u need to stop the story, or keep it on hitaus, or continue, it is totally up to u, and i will support u & respect ur decision.
JungHyunRi
#6
Chapter 46: Hi authornim.. Finally u are back.. Or atleast have inform ur whereabouts..
1stly.. I am very agree with ChaYuume comment bellow..
Its up to u.. If u want to resume this story or not.. If u alr lost interest abt this story.. Bcz If u keep write this story.. U'll feel burden in fact.. U also can't give soul to ur story..
2nd abt ur experience in VIXX concert.. Well
I have my own experience for VIXX in SEA last July.. And truth to be told as ChaYuumee said.. We can't decide that some idols not give them all to fans (I telk this not only in name of VIXX but every idol in general)
Yepp u must be known that before VIXX have a concert at ur country, they alr had many scheduled they done.. And don't u think they stamina and energy almost zero? But they keep their scheduled over ur country.. If that not a way of their act to show Starlight Canada how they really appreciate ur invite?

Truth be told.. I alr attend Super Show concert in my countries for 5 times.. And the 2 times I attend were SS4 when they held 3 days a row in my country.. And they seriously exhausted at the 2nd day (1st day I attend the concert) And when I attended the last days (I atrended the 2nd and 3rd days).. They looked so hype and excited.. Maybe bcz that day is their last so they could rest.. And they really gave their all out energy in the final days..

Its humanly abt idol tho..

So If u seriously thinking,u couldn't be a starlight anymore just bcz of ur 1st experience,, well sorry to say.. Im a little bit disappointes with ur fell tho.. Huhu..

If u told them not give their all just bcz of ur guessing abt they weren't as excited as the fans there.. Its not wise for them too.. ㅠㅠ
Sorry..
edrylla_Dya #7
Chapter 46: I love this story. I love it's character. I hope the characters stays until the end. But if it's hard for you, I can understand. Thank you for your hard work author-nim

In the light of Jonghyun's passing and in the light of your experience to VIXX concert. Shinee is forever one of my favourite group. They're the second one after tvxq. When I love a group, that's mean no picking biases because I love them all. It tattered me very much, as a person who's much less experiencing the same mental illness. He could have a better future but maybe this is the best for him. And VIXX is, we can see from their schedule how packed it is. Entertaining people seem easy because we're watching without experiencing. Somehow, I hope you still love them the same.

-for we're neither immortal nor invincible-
verse2wo
#8
Chapter 46: While I would like for this story to continue, I understand why you would want to stop.
In light of recent events, it would be a different story without Jonghyun.
I wish you well and support whatever choices you make.
ChaYuume
#9
Hello~!☆
So, first of all...
Your story is one of the best I ever read, the suspense and all were really... Overwhelming?
Anyway thank for writing such a story.
But, if you feels like you can't continue to write it, I think we can all understand it.
It's true that only you knows what future you had reserved to the characters of this story, and with Jonghyun's passing, I understand that it's harder, knowing also what the story is about.
Whether we are fans or not, it affect us all. We all knows who Shinee are, their songs, they had a major impact on kpop.
Even if it's in different ways, even if we dont have the same way to cope with that, to mourn, or whatsoever, it'll leave an impact on all of us.
(It's still a sensible point, I'll move on...)

Secondly, concerning your experience at VIXX's concert.... Well...They are humans.
You can't expect idols to always give it their all when they are exhausted or feels down, even if they are trying it could also not works sometimes. You can't say that they dont care for their fans, not after all they do FOR their fans. Even over their exhaustion, Idols gives you a good performance, even if they're feeling down or aren't in the mood, they take over themselves.
Say, when you are exhausted, are you in a state where you can do anything else aside from resting?
So why would it be different for idols, they are not robots. They push themselves and push their problem asides for the sake of their carreer. For the sake of their own health. The recent situation is sadly the proof of that.
You don't know what is really happening in their lives, they all have their own problems, whichever idol it can be.
And, with all that we know about Korea's idol industry,...

With all of that said, if you lost your motivation over this concert experience and the loss of Jonghyun; if you don't want to continue this story, I think that it's better to just stop it there (even if, I'm sure, we would have liked a proper ending).
In the end, its your story, we are your readers; as long as you feels good with your decision, we must respect it.

Thanks for your hard work~*