Scars and Trust

In Search of Meaning
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Hakyeon paced in the guest room of his apartment with his arms crossed and his finger tapping away anxiously on his elbow. Fifteen minutes had passed since his phone call with Dr. Sin, and in that time he was debating with himself whether he should really trust the man. 

Did I make the right call? Hakyeon wondered as he continued pacing. Maybe I should have tried giving him antibiotics first before calling Dr. Sin. 

He looked down at the wolf man lying in the bed, and felt a twinge of guilt when he saw the pained expression on Leo's face. Hakyeon leaned over, and lifted the covers off of Leo's shoulder to get another look at the wound. The stitches were broken, leaving the wound open and oozing yellow liquid. Around the opening the skin was red and swollen, and Hakyeon was especially bothered by the red streaks that were starting to form underneath the skin leading towards the armpit.

No, I definitely made the right call. I don't know how to deal with this, I'm just a vet for Christ's sake! 

Hakyeon placed the covers back over Leo, and picked up the thermometer off the night stand. He gently poked the device between Leo's lips, and maneuvered it so the end was underneath the tongue. Leo tried to turn away from the intrusion, but Hakyeon kept a firm hand on his cheek to keep him still. With a small groan, Leo slowly opened his eyes.

"Oh? You're awake?" Hakyeon asked in surprise, and Leo gave him a weak nod. The thermometer started beeping, and Hakyeon removed it from Leo's mouth to read the number. 104°F. Hakyeon cursed in his head, and looked back at Leo with a small smile to hide his worry, "You have a bit of a fever, and your wound looks a little infected. I know you don't like him, but I called Dr. Sin to come and take a look at you."

Leo grimaced at the vet's words, and replied with a hoarse voice, "No. Keep him away from me."

"Would you rather have me take you to the hospital then?" Hakyeon asked, and was pleased when Leo immediately shook his head. "Then Dr. Sin is the only option you have."

"Can't you just treat me?" Leo whined, closing his eyes tiredly.

Hakyeon sighed and knelt beside the bed answering firmly, "No. You need a doctor, not a vet."

"I'm part wolf, so a vet is fine." Leo argued, twitching his droopy wolf ears as if to make a point.

"Emphasis on part. You might be part wolf, but the majority of you is human." Hakyeon tucked the covers tighter under Leo's chin. "Now be quiet, and rest."

Leo opened his mouth to say something else, but the ring of the doorbell cut him off.

"That must be Dr. Sin," Hakyeon said, standing up to go answer the front door.

When he took his first step to leave the room, he felt a tug on his shirt. He looked down to see what it was caught on, but instead found Leo's thumb and index finger clamped onto the hem of his shirt. The vet exhaled patiently through his nose as he plucked his shirt free. Hakyeon looked at Leo to say reassuring words, but his breath hitched when he saw the pleading brown puppy-dog eyes. Those eyes combined with the droopy wolf ears, and slightly pouting lips were just fatal.

Be strong, Hakyeon. Just turn away, and answer the door.

Using all the strength of his will Hakyeon turned away from the cuteness overload, and walked out of the room. He hastely strode down the hallway, through the kitchen, and up to the front door. After peeking through the peephole to make sure that it was indeed Dr. Sin, he opened the door to let the man inside.

"Thank you for coming on such short notice," Hakyeon said to Dr. Sin with a slight bow and a handshake. 

Dr. Sin smiled kindly and replied, "It's no trouble at all." The doctor glanced around the living room, then asked, "Can you show me where he is?"

"Um, well," Hakyeon spoke hesitantly. "You see...before I have you look at him, I want you to know that he's also...different."

"Yes, you said something similar on the phone." Dr. Sin stated. "I've already treated your winged friend, so I don't think anything is going to surprise me anymore. How is he different exactly?"

"Uh, he's..." Hakyeon paused a moment to officially decide if he wanted to fully trust Dr. Sin or not, and concluded that the risk was necessary for Leo's sake. "He's part wolf."

"Wolf?" Dr. Sin raised his eyebrows in surprise. 

Hakyeon nodded, "Yes. He has wolf ears and a tail."

"Huh." The doctor bit his bottom lip as he mulled over Hakyeon's words, then shrugged. "Alright. Now that I know, may I have a look at him to see the extent of the problem?"

"Yes, he's in the guest room. Right this way," Hakyeon walked back through the kitchen and down the hall with Dr. Sin following close behind. When they reached the last door on the right, Hakyeon froze with his hand midway to the door knob. He turned to Dr. Sin saying, "Just so you know, he's not very happy about you coming to see him, so he might be a little difficult to work with. But he's not strong enough to attack you, or anything."

"Duly noted. Shall we?" Dr. Sin motioned for Hakyeon to open the door. Bracing himself for Leo's shouts of objection, Hakyeon turned the knob and pushed the door open. 

He entered the room and saw that Leo was curled up on the bed where he had left him. The wolf man opened his eyes, and looked up at Hakyeon drowsily. However, that drowsiness faded and was replaced by burning anger when Dr. Sin stepped into the room behind Hakyeon. A low guttural growl rumbled in Leo's chest, and he clutched the pillowcase and covers in his fists as if he was prepared to start swinging the second the doctor was within range.

"He's here to help, Leo." Hakyeon tried soothing the wolf man, taking careful strides to the bedside. The only response he got was a weak snarl, and Leo pinning his ears flat against his head threateningly as he clenched his fists even tighter.

Hakyeon sighed, "Don't hate me for this."

Leo gave him a questioning look before the vet suddenly leaped onto the bed, straddling Leo's abdomen. The wolf man released his hold on the covers and pillowcase in order to push the other off, but Hakyeon grabbed his wrists before he could follow through with his actions. In his weakened state he felt like the vet's strength was that of 10 men, and he struggled and kicked futilely as Hakyeon pinned his arms down on both sides of his head, immobilizing him. Hakyeon grunted in his effort to hold the angry wolf man down, but it was hardly enough for him to break a sweat.

Hakyeon turned to the doctor who was still standing at the door, "It's okay. You can come see him now."

Dr. Sin hesitated a moment, glancing between Hakyeon's calm gaze and Leo's deadly glare, before he took cautious steps to the bed. He set down his black leather medical bag on the floor next to the bed, and looked down at Leo to take in the sight of the grey wolf ears poking out from the black hair.

"It's nice to meet you again, Leo." Dr. Sin said kindly as he leaned over Leo slightly.

"The feeling's not mutual." Leo hissed back bitterly. He was panting from his efforts to push Hakyeon off, and he was no longer struggling since all of his energy was spent.

Dr. Sin ignored his comment, and looked at Hakyeon to ask, "Where's the injury?"

"His right shoulder." Hakyeon answered, gesturing with a tilt of his head to the said part.

After quickly slipping on a pair of blue latex gloves that he plucked from his medical bag, Dr. Sin then leaned back over Leo, and reached down to move his shirt aside to take a look at the wound. Leo's growling grew louder and louder the closer the doctor's hand came to his shoulder. As Dr. Sin was about to touch the fabric of his shirt, the man was forced to snatch his hand back when Leo jolted his head up and snapped at his wrist.

"Leo!" Hakyeon shouted disapprovingly. "He's trying to help you, now stop it!"

"No, no," Dr. Sin said with a small shake of his head. "It's quite alright. He's clearly not comfortable with me treating him."

"But he needs treatment before it gets life threatening, and you're our only option." Hakyeon stated with a hint of desperation in his voice.

Dr. Sin sighed tiredly, and lightly tugged on one of Hakyeon's arms as he said, "Perhaps you should let go of his arms, and get off of him. I'm certain he's hot enough as it is without you sitting on him."

"But, Dr. Sin-"

"Please," Dr. Sin interrupted, raising his hand to halt the vet's words. "As his doctor, I ask that you give him some space."

Hakyeon looked down at Leo in hesitation, and reluctantly released his hold on the wolf man's wrists. He carefully lifted himself off of Leo, and stepped onto the floor to stand next to Dr. Sin. Dr. Sin smiled thankfully at the vet, then knelt down to meet Leo's eye level.

Ignoring the harsh glare he was receiving, Dr. Sin spoke kindly, "Leo, I know you don't want me to help you, but I must agree with your friend. Based on how you look, I can already tell that your condition is quite serious, and I am genuinely concerned about your well-being."

"I don't believe you." Leo replied coldly.

"Why is that?" Dr. Sin asked, wondering why the younger refuses to believe him.

"Because all your kind has ever done for me is cause make me feel more pain."

"My 'kind'?" Dr. Sin tilted his head in confusion. "What do you mean by that?"

Leo's breathing sped up slightly, and his eyebrows furrowed as he glanced down at the white coat the man was wearing.

"You white-coats," Leo spat through clenched teeth. "All any of you do is make me hurt; stabbing me with needles, forcing pills down my throat that make me feel sick, having me run as fast as I can until I collapse, locking me up and starving me for days, then letting me out to watch me chase down some animal and eat it raw, making me fight others like me until one of us either passes out or dies." Leo paused to take another breath before continuing, "Strapping me to a metal table to cut me and electrocute me whenever I refuse to do what you ask, then you poke me with more needles, choke me with more pills, make me run faster, lock me up for longer. You people do this to me while saying 'he's not fast enough' or 'he's not strong enough', but my personal favorite is 'we can make him good enough if we do this and do that to him'. You people never stop and won't ever stop, because no matter what you do it's never enough!"

After Leo shouted the last few words, Dr. Sin and Hakyeon could only look at the panting wolf man in stunned silence.

"I swear..." Leo whispered, his eyelids getting heavier as consciousness slipped away from him. "I'd rather die than...let you..." Before he could finish his sentence, Leo's eyes closed and he grew silent as he succumbed to sleep. Dr. Sin and Hakyeon stared speechlessly at the slumbering man for a few moments before Dr. Sin broke the silence.

"What kind of place did this man come from?" Dr. Sin asked Hakyeon in disbelief, and possibly even anger.

"I-I don't really know." Hakyeon answered, his eyes never leaving Leo's sleeping face. "All he's ever told me was that he was being kept in some kind of lab, and that the people in that lab were responsible for making him like this." The vet pointed at Leo's wolf ears briefly, then looked at Dr. Sin as he continued, "He's never told me what actually went on in the lab, but now I think I understand why."

"Has he told you how long he's been in there?" Dr. Sin suddenly asked.

Hakyeon shook his head, "No. Why?"

Dr. Sin exhaled deeply, and explained, "Based on what Leo just said, I can assume that the only doctors he has ever seen were the ones in that lab. If that's the case, it's very possible that Leo spent the majority, if not all, of his life in there. To him, a doctor is someone who inflicts pain, not heal it. That explains his complete distrust in me."

"Oh, Leo." Hakyeon groaned, rubbing his hands over his face stressfully. When he removed his hands, he looked down at the unconscious man sadly. "Do you think you can treat him? Now that he's out cold?"

Dr. Sin waved his hand experimentally over Leo's face, and seeing no reaction he nodded his head, "I think it'll be fine, as long as he doesn't wake up." The doctor then leaned over and pulled Leo's shirt to the side to unveil the wound hidden underneath. "Oh, goodness," Dr. Sin said with a disapproving shake of his head. "It looks like a case of lymphangitis."

"Lymphangitis?" Hakyeon cocked his head and stepped closer to observe the doctor's actions.

While Dr. Sin started pressing underneath Leo's armpit, he explained, "An inflammation of the lymphatic system that occurs when bacteria or viruses enter the lymphatic channel. In this case, it was caused by the infection in the wound on his shoulder. Fortunately, the lymph nodes in his armpit don't feel terribly swollen, so it's not really a cause for worry. With some antibiotics, pain medication, anti-inflammatory medication, and fresh stitches, he should be as good as new in about a week."

"Thank God," Hakyeon heaved a sigh of relief, and his once tense shoulders slouched as he visibly relaxed. "I don't know what I would have done if he suddenly died on me."

"It's a good thing you called me over," Dr. Sin said as he pulled out the supplies he needed to treat Leo's wound, which included a suture kit, gauze, disinfectant, cotton balls, and small pliers to pluck the old stitches out. "If you had waited, and let the infection get worse, the lymphangitis could have become life-threatening."

Silence fell over the room as Dr. Sin worked on cleaning and restitching Leo's wound. The entire time Hakyeon stood by the man's side, looking over his shoulder and watching to make sure the doctor didn't do anything suspicious. Even though the man has done nothing to show that he was with the suits, Hakyeon found it difficult not to worry about the possibility.

"So," Hakyeon said, breaking the silence. "What do you think of all this? Y

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Kasou9
#1
Chapter 46: Hi i know its been a long time since you wrote this but anyway...i understand that you are no longer a starlight its sad but things like that hapoen to every fan ..... i also know that a lot of people love this story just like me and honestly i really want a happy ending for this the main reason is jonghyun because i only started reading this this week and when i first saw his name i was really sad he was in the fic then i realised you wrote this in 2015 _2016 and as the story went on i couldn't help but somehow just wish this would end happily because jonghyun is alive here and he gets to live and be happy in the end idk its weird to think that way but i felt glad he was in the fic and i was grateful to you but like
Dont remove him please it would be too sad at least like this remember him from time to time ppl will remember him while reading this fic i would really want to see the rest of the fic but its your choice after all and in case you dont finish it i still wanna thank you for the story it was lovely and thank you for sharing our love for vixx and shinee even if it ended somehow ♡
BlingBlingTiger
#2
Chapter 46: I think you need to do what you feel is best for you. We all need time to grieve and come to terms with what happened. I cried for days when I got the news and it feels like a part of me has been ripped away. I understand you not wanting to continue with him as a character in the story.
As for VIXX... Everyone has different opinions and ways of seeing things and dealing with situations...personally, when I see them exhausted and struggling, I worry about them, I want to lift some of the burden somehow. I want to tell them to rest and take care of themselves, but I also want to tell them to keep doing their best. I believe that VIXX and Starlights are a unit together and that it's our job to support and encourage each other. I love them all so, so much and their well-being (physically, mentally and emotionally) is of the utmost importance to me and so I worry a lot but I am also immensely proud of them. They always do their best and work hard to be the best that they can be while showing their appreciation for Starlights and I find that really admirable. Even exhausted, they give it their all to show their fans something amazing because they love Starlights and their passion for what they do is boundless. Seeing their determination despite the difficulties they face just makes me love them even more. To be honest, I could never abandon them like that. Leaving them because they were tired... is not a good reason. It's a shame that you couldn't grasp the immense effort they put in to show you a good performance.
Do what you want with the story and don't continue if you really can't, but please try to be more understanding of others in the future. We are all human beings and it is imperative to remember that they are humans too.
SuperShinee2pm2ne1 #3
Chapter 46: I think you should still continue writing the story. Though I understand the point about Jonghyun and with that I think you can 3 things with his character. The 1st option is to keep writing it with him in it, 2nd option is to exchange someone from another group with him and take the time to rewrite his parts to fit said new character and the 3rd option is to remove home out of the story completely. I personally would be sad if you take his character out but it's not my story to say any of the final stuff regarding the story. What ever you end up doing I'll respect it.
lunaticJTW
#4
Chapter 1: Whoa Taek calm ur
shuzyah
#5
Chapter 46: I am fine with not reading Jonghyun in the story for the time being, as it will hurt for the fans, and it will be tough for you too since you are questioning it. As for supporting VIXX.. considering what happen to Jonghyun, everyone r humans, including VIXX & yourself. If u need to stop the story, or keep it on hitaus, or continue, it is totally up to u, and i will support u & respect ur decision.
JungHyunRi
#6
Chapter 46: Hi authornim.. Finally u are back.. Or atleast have inform ur whereabouts..
1stly.. I am very agree with ChaYuume comment bellow..
Its up to u.. If u want to resume this story or not.. If u alr lost interest abt this story.. Bcz If u keep write this story.. U'll feel burden in fact.. U also can't give soul to ur story..
2nd abt ur experience in VIXX concert.. Well
I have my own experience for VIXX in SEA last July.. And truth to be told as ChaYuumee said.. We can't decide that some idols not give them all to fans (I telk this not only in name of VIXX but every idol in general)
Yepp u must be known that before VIXX have a concert at ur country, they alr had many scheduled they done.. And don't u think they stamina and energy almost zero? But they keep their scheduled over ur country.. If that not a way of their act to show Starlight Canada how they really appreciate ur invite?

Truth be told.. I alr attend Super Show concert in my countries for 5 times.. And the 2 times I attend were SS4 when they held 3 days a row in my country.. And they seriously exhausted at the 2nd day (1st day I attend the concert) And when I attended the last days (I atrended the 2nd and 3rd days).. They looked so hype and excited.. Maybe bcz that day is their last so they could rest.. And they really gave their all out energy in the final days..

Its humanly abt idol tho..

So If u seriously thinking,u couldn't be a starlight anymore just bcz of ur 1st experience,, well sorry to say.. Im a little bit disappointes with ur fell tho.. Huhu..

If u told them not give their all just bcz of ur guessing abt they weren't as excited as the fans there.. Its not wise for them too.. ㅠㅠ
Sorry..
edrylla_Dya #7
Chapter 46: I love this story. I love it's character. I hope the characters stays until the end. But if it's hard for you, I can understand. Thank you for your hard work author-nim

In the light of Jonghyun's passing and in the light of your experience to VIXX concert. Shinee is forever one of my favourite group. They're the second one after tvxq. When I love a group, that's mean no picking biases because I love them all. It tattered me very much, as a person who's much less experiencing the same mental illness. He could have a better future but maybe this is the best for him. And VIXX is, we can see from their schedule how packed it is. Entertaining people seem easy because we're watching without experiencing. Somehow, I hope you still love them the same.

-for we're neither immortal nor invincible-
verse2wo
#8
Chapter 46: While I would like for this story to continue, I understand why you would want to stop.
In light of recent events, it would be a different story without Jonghyun.
I wish you well and support whatever choices you make.
ChaYuume
#9
Hello~!☆
So, first of all...
Your story is one of the best I ever read, the suspense and all were really... Overwhelming?
Anyway thank for writing such a story.
But, if you feels like you can't continue to write it, I think we can all understand it.
It's true that only you knows what future you had reserved to the characters of this story, and with Jonghyun's passing, I understand that it's harder, knowing also what the story is about.
Whether we are fans or not, it affect us all. We all knows who Shinee are, their songs, they had a major impact on kpop.
Even if it's in different ways, even if we dont have the same way to cope with that, to mourn, or whatsoever, it'll leave an impact on all of us.
(It's still a sensible point, I'll move on...)

Secondly, concerning your experience at VIXX's concert.... Well...They are humans.
You can't expect idols to always give it their all when they are exhausted or feels down, even if they are trying it could also not works sometimes. You can't say that they dont care for their fans, not after all they do FOR their fans. Even over their exhaustion, Idols gives you a good performance, even if they're feeling down or aren't in the mood, they take over themselves.
Say, when you are exhausted, are you in a state where you can do anything else aside from resting?
So why would it be different for idols, they are not robots. They push themselves and push their problem asides for the sake of their carreer. For the sake of their own health. The recent situation is sadly the proof of that.
You don't know what is really happening in their lives, they all have their own problems, whichever idol it can be.
And, with all that we know about Korea's idol industry,...

With all of that said, if you lost your motivation over this concert experience and the loss of Jonghyun; if you don't want to continue this story, I think that it's better to just stop it there (even if, I'm sure, we would have liked a proper ending).
In the end, its your story, we are your readers; as long as you feels good with your decision, we must respect it.

Thanks for your hard work~*