St. Paul Blues

In Search of Meaning
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Hongbin felt his heart stop the moment the words left the vet's mouth. He hastily shoved the others out of his way as he climbed into the back of the Kia, crouching next to Hakyeon who finally took his gloved hands off of the blood soaked towels pressed to Hyuk's back. The younger shook his head in denial when he saw how deathly pale Hyuk's face was, and his hand trembled as he brought two fingers to his friend's throat. When he didn't feel a pulse, his heart started to pound in panic.

"N-no." Hongbin stuttered as tears filled his eyes. 

"I'm sorry," Hakyeon said numbly, looking away from the body.

"No." Hongbin repeated, his voice suddenly filled with determination. "No, he's not dying today." Pushing Hakyeon aside, he straddled the stretcher the same way the vet did, and a soft buzzing sound filled the room.

"What are you doing?" Hakyeon asked, apprehensively putting a hand on Hongbin's shoulder. Ignoring the elder, Hongbin undid the straps and moved Hyuk's body so the upper half of his torso was lying flat on his back. 

Hongbin hovered his hand over Hyuk's still chest, and yelled, "Clear!"

Hakyeon reflexively withdrew his hand from the younger's shoulder as the cyborg's hand came into contact with Hyuk's chest. The body arched as electricity flowed through it, and then it collapsed back to the board when Hongbin removed his hand. His eyes scanned Hyuk's serene face, searching for any sign of life. Seeing none, he placed his buzzing hand back onto the still chest.

Come on, Hyuk! Hongbin shouted internally. You're not leaving like this! Not after all you've done for me!

Visions of Hyuk started flashing through his head. Hyuk smiling at him when he brought the steaming spaghetti to the dinner table. Hyuk tossing the antibiotic ointment and t-shirt to him with caution after he had electrocuted him, which he still feels like he hasn't apologized enough for. Hyuk's eyes lighting up when he made Hongbin laugh at something he had said. And what did Hongbin do in return? Nothing! Absolutely NOTHING!

"Stop it, Hongbin!" Jaehwan shouted at the younger when he brought his hand down for the fifth time. Hearing the words, Hongbin lifted his hand, and stared at Hyuk's pale face panting and sweating from his efforts. Knowing that he had failed, he turned to move off of his dead friend. But when a deep intake of breath came from underneath him, he whipped back around hope filling him once again.

"Huuuuughhhhh!" Hyuk gasped, eyes fluttering open, and he proceeded into a coughing fit after filling his lungs with the cool garage air.

"Hyuk!" Hongbin cried joyfully, relieved to see him moving again. He was about to lean down and give the injured man a tight hug when Hakyeon grabbed the back of his shirt collar, then practically threw the cyborg out of the vehicle, who let out a breathy oomf! as he landed on the concrete floor. The vet quickly repositioned Hyuk so he could resume putting pressure on the wound.

"Wonsik, start the car!" Hakyeon ordered.

"But," Wonsik said, hesitating. "What if they're still out there?"

"They're always going to be 'still out there'!" Hakyeon snapped back over his shoulder, glaring at the musician. "Let's just hope they're far enough away so we can sneak out of here, and get Hyuk to a God damn hospital!"

Silenced by the older's angry outburst, Wonsik did as he was told. Leo lifted up the garage door with Hongbin helping to open it faster, and Jaehwan closed the hatch and switched off the garage lights before returning to his seat. The second the other two slipped back into their seats in the Kia, Wonsik turned the headlights on then thought better of it and turned them back off.

"Why'd you turn them off?" Hongbin questioned.

"Because," Wonsik answered as he slowly eased the car out of the garage, "If we want to get out of here without 'them' finding us, the last thing we want to do is shine a bright light in the middle of the night like a beacon screaming 'Here we are, come get us!'."

"Oh."

When they reached the end of the driveway Wonsik stopped the car, and all of their heads turned back and forth as they glanced in both directions down the gravel road, searching for the headlights of the black SUV. Seeing nothing, Wonsik backed onto the road, and started driving slowly in the direction they came from. He couldn't go much faster than 20 mph since he was driving blind through the dark due to the absence of his headlights. The only light that illuminated the road was the soft glow of the full moon in the sky above. Black silhouettes of trees bordered the sides of the pale moonlit road, giving it an eerie feel. But soon the trees disappeared as they finally reached the open rice field, allowing the moon's light to fall unobstructed on their path that also gave Wonsik a clearer view. 

Wonsik finally turned the headlights on when he pulled onto the paved road that led to the city of Seoul waiting for them a half an hour away in the distance. At least, it would be if a person drove the speed limit, which he was not doing. He ignored the signs saying Speed Limit 55, and kept the vehicle moving at a steady 80 mph. The group remained silent during the drive, but when Hakyeon cursed under his breath it went unnoticed by everyone; except for Leo, who's wolf ears perked up at the sound.

"What's wrong?" Asked the wolf man turning around in his seat, and gaining the others' attention.

Hakyeon looked up and responded, "I can't see anything with this lighting. Wonsik, do you have a flashlight or something in here?" He saw the driver shake his head through the rearview mirror, and swore.

"Here," said Hongbin as he reached his hand over the back of his seat. Hakyeon's jaw dropped a little in astonishment when the center of Hongbin's palm lit up, making a perfect flashlight.

"Thanks," was all the vet could say, stunned by what the younger was doing. Silence fell on them once again, and it stayed like that for the rest of the twenty minute drive to the city.

 

~  ~  ~

 

When they entered the brightly lit streets of Seoul, Wonsik handed his cell phone to Jaehwan asking his boyfriend to find the nearest hospital. After a few minutes of searching on the digital device, he started directing Wonsik through the city. Three turns and seven stop lights later, the red Kia was pulling up to the glass doors of the emergency room at St. Paul's hospital. Hongbin jumped out of the car as soon as it stopped, and ran inside to get help. Leo tapped on Wonsik's shoulder, and the musician looked back at him raising his eyebrows questioningly.

"Hat?" Leo asked, pointing at his ears. He immediately understood what the other was asking, and reached across Jaehwan's lap to open the glove compartment. Wonsik withdrew a black beanie and tossed it to the wolf man, who was tucking his tail into the back of his pants. Just as Leo pulled the beanie over his ears, Hongbin returned with a group of people dressed in scrubs and white lab coats following close behind. Jaehwan sunk down in his seat at the sight of them, gripping his thighs tightly as if he was keeping himself from running away.

Hongbin opened the Kia's hatch, and Hakyeon got out explaining to the situation to the doctors.

"He has a gunshot wound in the back. I think the bullet pierced one of his lungs, I'm not sure. We had to use a vetmax stretcher from my animal clinic to m

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Kasou9
#1
Chapter 46: Hi i know its been a long time since you wrote this but anyway...i understand that you are no longer a starlight its sad but things like that hapoen to every fan ..... i also know that a lot of people love this story just like me and honestly i really want a happy ending for this the main reason is jonghyun because i only started reading this this week and when i first saw his name i was really sad he was in the fic then i realised you wrote this in 2015 _2016 and as the story went on i couldn't help but somehow just wish this would end happily because jonghyun is alive here and he gets to live and be happy in the end idk its weird to think that way but i felt glad he was in the fic and i was grateful to you but like
Dont remove him please it would be too sad at least like this remember him from time to time ppl will remember him while reading this fic i would really want to see the rest of the fic but its your choice after all and in case you dont finish it i still wanna thank you for the story it was lovely and thank you for sharing our love for vixx and shinee even if it ended somehow ♡
BlingBlingTiger
#2
Chapter 46: I think you need to do what you feel is best for you. We all need time to grieve and come to terms with what happened. I cried for days when I got the news and it feels like a part of me has been ripped away. I understand you not wanting to continue with him as a character in the story.
As for VIXX... Everyone has different opinions and ways of seeing things and dealing with situations...personally, when I see them exhausted and struggling, I worry about them, I want to lift some of the burden somehow. I want to tell them to rest and take care of themselves, but I also want to tell them to keep doing their best. I believe that VIXX and Starlights are a unit together and that it's our job to support and encourage each other. I love them all so, so much and their well-being (physically, mentally and emotionally) is of the utmost importance to me and so I worry a lot but I am also immensely proud of them. They always do their best and work hard to be the best that they can be while showing their appreciation for Starlights and I find that really admirable. Even exhausted, they give it their all to show their fans something amazing because they love Starlights and their passion for what they do is boundless. Seeing their determination despite the difficulties they face just makes me love them even more. To be honest, I could never abandon them like that. Leaving them because they were tired... is not a good reason. It's a shame that you couldn't grasp the immense effort they put in to show you a good performance.
Do what you want with the story and don't continue if you really can't, but please try to be more understanding of others in the future. We are all human beings and it is imperative to remember that they are humans too.
SuperShinee2pm2ne1 #3
Chapter 46: I think you should still continue writing the story. Though I understand the point about Jonghyun and with that I think you can 3 things with his character. The 1st option is to keep writing it with him in it, 2nd option is to exchange someone from another group with him and take the time to rewrite his parts to fit said new character and the 3rd option is to remove home out of the story completely. I personally would be sad if you take his character out but it's not my story to say any of the final stuff regarding the story. What ever you end up doing I'll respect it.
lunaticJTW
#4
Chapter 1: Whoa Taek calm ur
shuzyah
#5
Chapter 46: I am fine with not reading Jonghyun in the story for the time being, as it will hurt for the fans, and it will be tough for you too since you are questioning it. As for supporting VIXX.. considering what happen to Jonghyun, everyone r humans, including VIXX & yourself. If u need to stop the story, or keep it on hitaus, or continue, it is totally up to u, and i will support u & respect ur decision.
JungHyunRi
#6
Chapter 46: Hi authornim.. Finally u are back.. Or atleast have inform ur whereabouts..
1stly.. I am very agree with ChaYuume comment bellow..
Its up to u.. If u want to resume this story or not.. If u alr lost interest abt this story.. Bcz If u keep write this story.. U'll feel burden in fact.. U also can't give soul to ur story..
2nd abt ur experience in VIXX concert.. Well
I have my own experience for VIXX in SEA last July.. And truth to be told as ChaYuumee said.. We can't decide that some idols not give them all to fans (I telk this not only in name of VIXX but every idol in general)
Yepp u must be known that before VIXX have a concert at ur country, they alr had many scheduled they done.. And don't u think they stamina and energy almost zero? But they keep their scheduled over ur country.. If that not a way of their act to show Starlight Canada how they really appreciate ur invite?

Truth be told.. I alr attend Super Show concert in my countries for 5 times.. And the 2 times I attend were SS4 when they held 3 days a row in my country.. And they seriously exhausted at the 2nd day (1st day I attend the concert) And when I attended the last days (I atrended the 2nd and 3rd days).. They looked so hype and excited.. Maybe bcz that day is their last so they could rest.. And they really gave their all out energy in the final days..

Its humanly abt idol tho..

So If u seriously thinking,u couldn't be a starlight anymore just bcz of ur 1st experience,, well sorry to say.. Im a little bit disappointes with ur fell tho.. Huhu..

If u told them not give their all just bcz of ur guessing abt they weren't as excited as the fans there.. Its not wise for them too.. ㅠㅠ
Sorry..
edrylla_Dya #7
Chapter 46: I love this story. I love it's character. I hope the characters stays until the end. But if it's hard for you, I can understand. Thank you for your hard work author-nim

In the light of Jonghyun's passing and in the light of your experience to VIXX concert. Shinee is forever one of my favourite group. They're the second one after tvxq. When I love a group, that's mean no picking biases because I love them all. It tattered me very much, as a person who's much less experiencing the same mental illness. He could have a better future but maybe this is the best for him. And VIXX is, we can see from their schedule how packed it is. Entertaining people seem easy because we're watching without experiencing. Somehow, I hope you still love them the same.

-for we're neither immortal nor invincible-
verse2wo
#8
Chapter 46: While I would like for this story to continue, I understand why you would want to stop.
In light of recent events, it would be a different story without Jonghyun.
I wish you well and support whatever choices you make.
ChaYuume
#9
Hello~!☆
So, first of all...
Your story is one of the best I ever read, the suspense and all were really... Overwhelming?
Anyway thank for writing such a story.
But, if you feels like you can't continue to write it, I think we can all understand it.
It's true that only you knows what future you had reserved to the characters of this story, and with Jonghyun's passing, I understand that it's harder, knowing also what the story is about.
Whether we are fans or not, it affect us all. We all knows who Shinee are, their songs, they had a major impact on kpop.
Even if it's in different ways, even if we dont have the same way to cope with that, to mourn, or whatsoever, it'll leave an impact on all of us.
(It's still a sensible point, I'll move on...)

Secondly, concerning your experience at VIXX's concert.... Well...They are humans.
You can't expect idols to always give it their all when they are exhausted or feels down, even if they are trying it could also not works sometimes. You can't say that they dont care for their fans, not after all they do FOR their fans. Even over their exhaustion, Idols gives you a good performance, even if they're feeling down or aren't in the mood, they take over themselves.
Say, when you are exhausted, are you in a state where you can do anything else aside from resting?
So why would it be different for idols, they are not robots. They push themselves and push their problem asides for the sake of their carreer. For the sake of their own health. The recent situation is sadly the proof of that.
You don't know what is really happening in their lives, they all have their own problems, whichever idol it can be.
And, with all that we know about Korea's idol industry,...

With all of that said, if you lost your motivation over this concert experience and the loss of Jonghyun; if you don't want to continue this story, I think that it's better to just stop it there (even if, I'm sure, we would have liked a proper ending).
In the end, its your story, we are your readers; as long as you feels good with your decision, we must respect it.

Thanks for your hard work~*