She never wanted this. Jae-hwan, Won-shik...she hated dolls and never wanted anything to do with them. The only reason she had been touching the dolls at all was to figure out a way to free N. That was all she wanted. She had just wanted to free N, so he could love her without worrying about being a doll. Jae-hwan...he wasn't supposed to be there. He wasn't supposed to have come. She had been so afraid of all of them, saw every one of their calls and texts, was so afraid that the voices would want her to kill them.  

They had wanted her to kill Jae-hwan, but she really liked him. He was so kind and treated her so well, he was one of the only friends she had. Turning him into a doll was the only way they said she could save him. He would tell N if she didn't. He would tell N about how she was killing dolls. 

She couldn't have N knowing.  

She couldn't. 

She hated herself every time she saw Jae-hwan suffering, crying as the voices made her torture him. It was the only way they said she could keep him. She had to show him that he was hers now. If she didn't, she would have to kill him. She cried every time she heard Jae-hwan scream, lamented every time she could see his eyes water when she called him Ken. She hated herself, but it was the only way to save him. 

And then Won-shik.   

The voices had been livid the moment they saw him, shouting and vicious, clouding her mind until she could only do what they said. Kill him, rip him apart-- that's all she could think of. It wasn't until she saw a broken Jae-hwan begging her to save him that she came to, and she had been forced to turn him into a doll too. She didn't want another doll, making Jae-hwan already painful enough, but she had to. 

She hated dolls.

She just wanted things to go back to the way they were, before the voices, before the dolls-- when everyone was happy.

She would do whatever she could to fix this.

"Saet-byul?" She wasn't able to keep as straight a face as she had the last time she was here, though her mother did look slightly better. She still looked incredibly thin and as if she hadn't slept or eaten in a long time, but she looked a little healthier. Her mother was calmer when she stepped into the room, a bright smile crossing her face as she made her way across the room. She placed a hand over the window glass, smiling sweetly as she pressed the phone closer to . "Saet-byul, you've come back."  

She swallowed heavily as she brought her own phone to her lips. "Yes, I did." 

Her mother waved at her to sit down, quickly sitting in her seat, leaning forward until her face was only inches away from the glass. She grinned, her teeth showing and reminding her exactly why she had always been so afraid of her mother growing up. "You've been killing the dolls, haven't you?"  

A cold shudder ran down her spine.  

"I can feel it, every time you kill one. They're mine you know, the dolls you're destroying."  

She trembled as her mother pressed her face against the glass, a low chuckle escaping her lips. How...could her mother really tell when she killed the dolls? But they were accidents, she hadn't meant to kill any of them, except maybe Baek-hyun, but he didn't count. She had only taken them apart to save N, only tried to clean them. Was her mother connected to them too? Could she tell when she lured them back to her house, coerced them and forced them to be still as she attacked their doll, scrubbed the blood away and clipped the hair until they burned to death? 

"I'm so proud of you." She jumped when her mother started to the window, smiling so sweetly. "I'm so proud of you, my little Saet-byul. I was always afraid you would grow up without making a doll. But here you are killing dolls, and...have you made a doll?"  

"I-I...no, it was an accident-" 

"So you did!" Her mother was laughing now, a loud, boisterous laugh that had all the hairs on the back of her neck stand on end. "My god, I only wish I could have been there. Was it Hyukkie? You can make him yours, make him love and care for you-" 

"No! I would never touch Hyukkie!" 

At that her mother stilled, her smile disappearing as she looked at her in barely shrouded disappointment. "Ah, you're still after N, aren't you?" 

She felt slight offense to that, stiffening. "I love him. All this, I'm doing it for him. If I free him, then he'll love me. He can't love me because he's a doll. But if I free him-" 

"Saet-byul, listen to me." Her mother let out a deep sigh, strangely sane as her eyes filled with a sadness she couldn't place. "It's best to forget about N." 

"W-what? But-" 

"He will never love you the way you want. I would tell you to kill him, he's unworthy to be your doll, but....I know how much you love him. Killing him will only haunt you." She frowned, wondering where all this was coming from, until she saw the hint of tears in her mother's eyes. She leaned forward, concerned, but her mother was shaking her head. "It's best to forget him, to save yourself having his blood stain your hands and hidden in your heart." 

"B-but I love him-" 

"Go get Hyukkie, he loves you and I know you love him. Maybe not the way you love N, but that kind of love will lead to a better relationship. N resents you, resents me, and will never love you the way you want."  

Don't listen to her. 

N will definitely love you. 

You just have to figure out how to free him. 

Yes... 

Kill those dolls.  

Don't listen to her. 

Yes...that was right. N...N will definitely love her if she freed him. He would be so thankful, would no longer have the shackles of the doll holding him back. He would run back to her, forget all about Hong-bin, would come back to her. Her mother was wrong, she never understood N. She never tried. Her mother didn't know what she was talking about. Shaking her head, she grit out, "You don't know N. N will definitely love me."  

"Saet-byul-" 

"I didn't come here to have you tell me I can't be with N! I'm tired of everyone telling me I can't have him when he's mine!"  

Yes, N is yours.  

He has always been yours. 

"Then why did you come?" 

"I want to know about the dolls. I want to know everything about what N is. I don't want you hiding anything from me anymore. Tell me."  

Her mother nodded her head thoughtfully, running a hand through her ratted hair, tugging at a knot before dropping it limply onto her lap. "You've already made a doll...this is something that I should be teaching you. I should be by your side, showing you what to do, telling you-" 

"But you're not," she interrupted impatiently. "I don't have time to wait for you." 

"Then ask me anything. I will answer anything you ask." 

She hesitated, not having expected her mother to agree so easily, but quickly pushed past that, not wanting to waste any more time. She wasn't sure how much longer she had before they escorted her out again. "N, you said he's a special doll. What exactly does that mean?" 

Her mother jumped, hurriedly glancing around as if looking for eavesdroppers. She leaned in, hissing, "I already told you, both of your blood is on the doll, his connection to you is stronger than a normal doll's. He feels your pain, both physical and mental. With a special doll, it doesn't matter who his creator is, the blood on that doll will become his maker. He is not my doll. He is yours, will always be yours." Her heart fluttered, her cheeks flushing at the realization that N really was hers, that her mother had no claim over her beautiful N.

But that wonderful feeling was quickly replaced by rage as she all but shouted into the phone, "Then you shouldn't have tortured him! You had no right, he was mine." 

"I did it because he was not worthy of being your doll! I was doing it to protect you! I would have given you a better doll-" 

"Stop! I don't want to hear your excuses." Her mother's face fell. "I will never forgive you for touching him. But I have more important things to do right now. What else is there about N that I need to know?" 

"He needs you. If he's away from you, it will kill him. The longer he's away from you, the more he will wither away until he dies." Her fingers tightened around a bunch of her dress, swallowing. She remembered the way N had been when Taek-woon had brought him in the first day, unmoving and unfeeling as he held her, unable to move or speak on his own without great effort. She remembered hearing Taek-woon tell her what N was like at home, how there were times when Taek-woon was afraid N would actually die.  

Was that because he was away from her? 

"So I should definitely bring him back! I-" 

"But being next to you will hurt him as well. He will slowly become a real doll, would lose himself. He won't care about others, won't care about anything but you. Even then he won't really love you, he'll only love serving you, protecting you and caring for you. Nothing else is important anymore." 

Her eyes widened, mouth slack as she tried to process the words her mother said. No...that wasn't what she wanted! She wanted N back, to love her and stay with her, but she didn't want him to lose everything else about himself. She just wanted it back to the way it was before, where he was himself yet loved her completely and showed only her affection. She didn't want him to become that. 

"W-why...why is that a thing? To do that...why would anyone want that for their doll?" 

"I told you, Saet-byul," her mother croaked, desperate, "you weren't supposed to fall in love with him. He was your protector and nothing more. I was preparing the one you were supposed to love." She paused for a second, leaning her forehead against the glass and letting out a shaking breath. "It's dangerous to love a special doll."  

"I-is...is there a way I can free him? My N...I just..." She started crying, whimpering.  

"There is no way. He is bound for life."  

She dropped the phone as she buried her face in her hands, sobbing uncontrollably. Those dolls she killed, had she killed them for nothing? Joon-myeon, Baek-hyun, all the others...had she forced them to go through unbearable pain for nothing? N's words that he could never love her because he was a doll rang in her head, repeating over and over as if mocking her. She wanted him to love her, but if there was no way she could free him, did that mean he will never love her? Will she never be able to feel him hold her and talk to her the way he used to?  

Of course there is a way to free him. 

You just have to keep killing those dolls. 

You just haven't found the right way yet. 

You can free him. 

She heard a quick knocking sound and looked up to see her mother tapping the glass with her hand, pointing at the phone when she saw she got her attention again. Sniffling, she brought the phone to her ear again, energy drained.  

"Saet-byul," she said quickly, clutching the phone desperately, "please stay with me. I want to hear your voice, there's not much time to talk and-" 

"Is there anything else?” she whispered, her voice barely above a strained whisper. “About the dolls? I...I don't know anymore..."  

Her mother's shoulders drooped when she cut her off, her hands shaking. She didn’t say anything for a short while, almost as if she was afraid to speak. Eventually, after giving another glance around, pressed her lips to the speaker of the phone, hissing lowly, "His name."  

Her head snapped up, eyes alert once again. "His n-name? Isn't it bad luck to say his name?"  

"No, that's only something I told you when you first started so you wouldn't be tempted to say his name. Saying his real name will….will…."  

“Will what?”

“It…it will kill him.”

She jerked back as if hit. "N-no...that's impossible!" she screamed, her heart feeling as if it was ripped in two. What else could there be about a special doll? A special doll...shouldn't it be special? Better? Why was everything about it so terrible? Why did everything about it try and kill him? "Taek-woon oppa...Hong-bin-- they all say his name! They say it all the time and nothing happens!"  

"Of course it wouldn't! Your blood is on it, you are a doll maker. The moment you make your first doll, uttering any doll's real name becomes a curse in itself." She shuddered, remembering how Jae-hwan would scream in pain whenever she said his name, would flinch away and beg at the mere mention of the word. "Other people saying it won't have any effect, it's just you and I. For us, saying a doll's name would bring them indescribable pain, something that nothing I've done would compare to. It’s part of the failsafe that keeps them from running home. It's why we give them new names afterward, to spare them that."  

She thought back to N's scarred hands, how N refused to let her see his skin because of the scars her mother had inflicted on him. She could still hear his screams she had heard through the floor as she tortured him. She glared. "Are you even capable of sparing?" 

Her mother glared right back, a snarl on her lips that had her insides squirming, not that she would ever let it show. She would never give her mother the satisfaction that she still terrified her. "You can imagine and think all you want. A doll's name is something that not even we touch. It is something my mother taught me, and her mother taught her. It is something that must not be done."  

She thought back to all the times she had said Jae-hwan's name, both accidentally and intentionally. When he had screamed, she thought he had only been scared. She thought back to the times she said Baek-hyun's name, heard him cry out in pain, Joon-myeon too; she had said all their names and didn't think twice when they cried.   

You did nothing wrong. 

Don't listen to her. 

"But...N-"

"He is a special doll, it is what will essentially kill him. He’ll be a true doll; his whole entire being will cease to exist, he will no longer be anything but a doll that lives for you. Relationships, personality, love, morals-- nothing will matter to him anymore. If you say it, you are killing him. Don’t ever say it unless you are ready to deal with the consequences.”

“Why—why does everything want to kill N?” she cried desperately, wanting to shout that everything her mother was saying about N was false, was completely and absolutely wrong. Why was everything trying so hard to keep him from her? What had she done so wrong that she was never allowed to be with him?

“A protector without remorse is exactly what a protector should be! How could he protect you if he let his emotions get in the way? That is exactly what he is meant to be, and that is why it is so dangerous that you fall in love with him! You should never love a special doll, never-”

Before she even had a chance to say continue, the door opened, the officer letting her know she only had five minutes left. Her mother panicked.  

"Saet-byul, there's still so much I haven't taught you. My baby, dolls-" 

She shook her head furiously, still too shaken up on what she had learned about N to listen to anything more her mother had to say. "I...I don't want to hear anymore." 

"If you keep on making dolls, you need-" 

"I won't. I don't care about dolls-" 

"Stop and listen to me! If you need anything, you must come back here. Only I can help you. I don’t want you to do anything rash or dangerous. Please come back." At that her mother did a quick glance around as if afraid anyone was listening. "You’re killing my dolls, you must come back before you do anything else. I can only imagine how confused you are, without me teaching and training you—you must come to me with any questions!”  

You don't need it. 

You don’t need her help.

Don't listen to her. 

“No, I don’t want your help. You’ve done nothing for me.”

That’s right, you don’t need her.

You don’t need anyone.

Just N.

Just kill! 

"Saet-byul, I love you! I just want to help-” 

Kill them! 

Take back what's yours! 

Kill anyone who stands in your way! 

KILL THEM! 

"Stop it!" she cried, dropping the phone and clutching her head, and she didn't need the phone to hear her mother shouting her name. The voices blocked out everything, clouded all of her senses as they pelted her with the terrible threat to kill. They hadn't been bad recently, had been sated with Jae-hwan and Won-shik, only whispering occasionally to her. She could vaguely hear her mother banging on the window, feel the officer run in and yank her to her feet.  

"Saet-byul!" her mother cried, struggling to get a hold of her, refusing to let the officer pull her away as she held onto the phone like a lifeline. "Saet-byul, answer me!" 

Kill them all and take back what's yours! 

KILL THEM! 

She shook as she tried her hardest to push the voices away, their commands so loud and oppressive she could barely breathe. The office said something to her, trying to get her out of the room, but she fought him. She wasn't done, wanted to let her mother know how much she hated her, how much she ruined everything, how much she had destroyed N…she–

KILL THEM ALL!

KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL-

Fight it Saet-byul! Fight-

KILL!

A loud banging sound broke through the voices, and she looked up weakly to see her mother pressed against the glass, her eyes wild as she tried to grab her. Her mother scratched at the thick glass with her fingers, her eyes never leaving Saet-byul. "No...not you too!" She blinked up, disorientated and confused.

"Me too...?" 

"My baby Byullie, not you too! You can't– I hoped you would never have them! Oh my baby! No!" The officer on her mother's side quickly restrained her as he tried to pull her out of the room, her mother fighting all the way. "Why? You were so good, why would they come for you too? Saet-byul, no!" 

"Wait, me too? What do you mean?" But by then, her mother was gone, her shouts muffled as she was taken away. Did her mother hear them too? Did the voices plague her too, shouting in her head, demanding her kill and torture? Was that...was that why she brought so many dolls downstairs? Why she tortured them? 

She allowed the officer to pull her away, letting him lead her out of the room and get her a cup of water. No, her mother tortured those dolls on her own, had willingly tortured N because she hated him. Her mother always hit her when she was angry, that was on her own too. Her mother was horrible and she hated her for what she'd done, for touching what wasn't hers and hurting N. But then...if she had been hearing these voices all this time, and if they were as terrible as they were for her, did they force her to torture N? To steal him away from her and hurt him? 

The officer handed her a cup of water as he asked concernedly if there was anyone threatening her, telling her he would protect her. She fought the urge to scoff at that, just quietly shaking her head and saying it was nothing. He pushed, telling her that no one would know she talked to him and she would be safe.  

Doll.  

Doll. 

Make a doll.  

Make one, watch him burn. 

She hurriedly shoved the officer away and ran out of the building, not stopping until it was completely out of view. She was gasping, running behind a tree and collapsing to the ground. Her whole body was trembling, her head spinning, and she just wanted N's arms wrapped around her with his lips in her ear whispering that everything was alright. She wanted him so badly, but everyone was right. She was dangerous. There were so many things she could do to him, terrible things she didn't want to do. At that moment, she wished more than anything that he wasn't her doll, that he was just a normal man that she could love freely.  

His smile, his laugh, his touch, his love– she wanted all of it, wanted it only for her. But everything about her would take it away, would crush and destroy it. Whether she stayed with him or hid away, that beautiful light she loved would be smothered.  

She buried her head in her knees.  

But if you free him, he can be yours. 

Everything about him is yours. 

All you have to do is figure out how to free him. 

These voices...these terrible voices that followed her everywhere and made her do terrible things, if her mother heard them, was she going to be like her mother? Was that what all the other dolls meant? That no matter what she did, she would end up like her mother? She thought back to Jae-hwan and Won-shik in her house, huddled in the corner and watching her with fear in their eyes. Had she already started? N hated her mother, did that mean he would hate her too? 

Is that why he stayed away from her? 

She jumped when her phone beeped, and she took a few seconds to calm herself before pulling it out of her pocket. She let out a small whimper when she saw Hyuk's name, the other innocently asking her if she was alright and if she had seen Jae-hwan recently. She felt so guilty when she thought of Jae-hwan in her apartment, his face twisted in pain etched deep into her memory. Hyukkie had no idea. He didn't know what she had done, what she had been doing.  

Another text appeared, asking if she was really okay, and if she needed him. She started crying again. She missed him, her dear Hyukkie. But she was scared, scared of herself and the voices and what they would do if they saw him. She had already turned Jae-hwan, she wouldn't be able to live with herself if she turned Hyukkie too.  

She had to stay away.  

Making up her mind, she threw the phone Hyuk had bought her to the ground, crushing it with her foot before resolutely heading home. 

Hello!

Rewriting has been a pain, but I've managed to finish this chapter. Sorry it took so long, I was originally trying to write it just like before, but I gave up when nothing was flowing together. Hopefully this isn't too bad!

I'll hopefully get the next chapter up soon, or at least before Vixx's comeback~