“We should invite little Hong-binnie over here one day," Jae-hwan announced one morning while they were eating breakfast, waiting patiently as Won-shik did a spit-take, coughing painfully. Won-shik's face scrunched up in a way to say he didn't approve, dropping his spoon into his already soggy cereal and shaking his head.  

"W-what?" 

"Hong-bin is really a sweetheart, it's probably so stuffy over there, what with having that stiff-board Taek-woon and scary Hak-yeon hovering over him. I'm sure having some time to relax and play would do him some good." 

"The kid looks like he's attached to Hak-yeon pretty bad though, you saw him cry when he was alone. I don't think he'll be okay coming here." Jae-hwan's eyes narrowed as he watched Won-shik go back to eating his cereal, biting his lip in thought before sighing dramatically.  

"Well, if we have to, we could always invite Hak-yeon too. Hong-bin just looks so sad all the time, and nobody did anything when Saet-byul was treating him like that." He waited to see how Won-shik would respond, and frowned in disappointment when he only continued eating. "He has a nice smile, his whole face lights up. Can you imagine if he came over, I could play games with him and make him all kinds of food and-" 

"Fine!" Won-shik sighed, resignedly placing his chin in his open palm, his eyes annoyed. "Invite him over if you want. I'm just pretty sure they're going to say no. Not everyone's going to let you dote on them. Not to mention I'm pretty sure Hak-yeon doesn't like us. He's not about to let his precious 'baby' come anywhere near us." Jae-hwan's smile froze; he knew Won-shik, knew that in the morning he was cranky and sometimes said things he didn't really mean. He wondered if he should have brought this up later, maybe dinner. He continued slower, his voice softer and less enthusiastic.  

"Hong-bin seemed to really like me. I'm sure he'd want to see me again." 

"Go ahead and try. Just don't cry to me if he says no." 

Jae-hwan didn't say anything after that, looking down at his own cereal with his appetite completely gone, pushing the small flakes around dejectedly. Won-shik didn't seem to notice his mood, tiredly reaching over and pouring more cereal into his bowl. Jae-hwan saw his glass of orange juice was empty, quickly pouring him a new one before he noticed. He watched to make sure the younger drank the glass before asking softly, 

"Did you call your family?" 

"Yes I did," Won-shik snapped, his face void of emotion, something he always did when he spoke of his family. Jae-hwan smiled happily at that, pouring him another glass.  

"What did they say? Are you going to visit?" 

"No I'm not going to visit. All I agreed to was calling them." 

"You should visit at least once. I'm sure they'd want to see you." 

"No they wouldn't!" Won-shik slammed his spoon on the table and stood up, his face tired and angry and hurt and Jae-hwan wished he had brought this up another time. He hated seeing Won-shik sad, hated upsetting him, and he wished he hadn't said anything at all. "My family doesn't love me, has been very happy since I left. They barely even said anything to me before hanging up. I don't want to see them, they don't want to see me; that's the end of it! I wish you would goddamn mind your own business and stop trying to stick your big nose in places where you wouldn't understand."  

"Won-shik-" Won-shik didn't give him a chance to answer before he grabbed his jacket and stormed out of the apartment, slamming the door behind him. Jae-hwan slumped over and buried his head in his hands, wishing he hadn't said anything at all.  

-- 

Won-shik was really only upset for the first five minutes after having stomped out of the apartment, realizing very quickly that he had only grabbed Jae-hwan's cardigan that felt like it was made of tissue it was so thin. He shivered as he clutched the useless thing to himself, the morning spring air cuttingly harsh. He sniffled; he already felt bad for blowing up on Jae-hwan like that, knowing his hyung didn't deserve any of that. He knew Jae-hwan was always secretly jealous of Won-shik's family, both exasperated and upset at how Won-shik wanted nothing to do with them, and always pushed him to try and reconcile.  

He didn't want to reconcile, and he wished Jae-hwan would understand that.  

He stopped at a café, probably one of the only things opened at the godawful hour of eight in the morning, taking his coffee and settling in a corner by the window. He wanted to go back and apologize, knowing Jae-hwan was probably beating himself up already. Jae-hwan tended to do that, and then pretend that everything was alright when confronted about it. It annoyed Won-shik to no end. He probably should head back before Jae-hwan ended up drowning himself in unnecessary guilt. 

And yet, he didn't want to seem desperate either, running back because he was cold and out of money and already regretting throwing a temper tantrum. He had too much pride for that, would rather sit out here all day and head back later and pretend that he had been perfectly fine. It made him a hypocrite in a sense, but the last thing he needed or wanted was to go back and have Jae-hwan hang all over him with apologies. He groaned as he took another sip of his coffee, letting out a content sigh as the warm liquid quickly warmed his freezing body, the hot ceramic in his hands pleasantly warm.  

He thought back to their earlier conversation, how Jae-hwan wanted to bring Hong-bin over. Something was off about Hong-bin; he didn't know anything about him and wasn't able to make anything past assumptions, but there had to be a reason both Hak-yeon and Taek-woon were so protective of him, both looking ready to rip their heads off if they made him so much as whimper. It was true that Hong-bin did seem to take a liking to Jae-hwan, most people did, Jae-hwan was just a naturally likable person, but it didn't seem like that would be enough for his bodyguards to relent and let him come over alone.

He ran a hand through his hair, wincing when he was met with a bunch of knots. He'd been meaning to shower this morning.  

Yet...he thought about how happy Jae-hwan would be if he managed to bring Hong-bin with him, and he wondered if it would be enough for the harsh words he had snapped earlier. He always did speak without thinking. Letting out a big sigh as he downed the rest of his coffee, he fished out his cell phone from his pocket. Already there were a litany of texts from Jae-hwan pleading for him to come home, and he kept his mouth firm as he ignored them in favor of calling Sang-hyuk.  

He wasn't as close to the kid as Jae-hwan was, but he knew he was probably the only one who would know how to get Hong-bin's number (or Hak-yeon's). It wasn't long before the other picked up, the other's voice laced with sleepiness, slurring out, 

"Whoisit?" 

"Sang-hyuk?" he asked carefully, realizing that he was calling the other really early in the morning and was surprised he even picked up.  

"Won-shik? What...why the hell are you calling me at eight in the morning?" 

"Sorry, I was just wondering if you had Hong-bin or Hak-yeon's number."  

There was a long enough pause on the other end that Won-shik started to wonder if the other had fallen back asleep, when "Why the hell would I have that?"  

"Hey," he snapped, "watch your mouth. Cursing at your hyung like that." 

"Well, I would be more pleasant if you didn't call me at freaking eight in the morning.” He could hear a long yawn on the other end followed by rustling of sheets, and he waited until Sang-hyuk let out a long sigh. "Why would you even want to call either of them?" 

"Jae-hwan wants-" 

Sang-hyuk cut him off with a long groan, a thumping sound that sounded suspiciously like Sang-hyuk kicking the wall in the background. "Sometimes I wonder what goes on in that big, thick head of his. Of all people, I wouldn't exactly be inviting Hong-bin over. Not unless he wants to invite Taek-woon and Hak-yeon too." 

"I know, but Jae-hwan wants to and I might as well try and ask." 

"God, you're so whipped..." 

"Excuse me?" he blinked, wondering when Sang-hyuk had grown so bold in his speech. He still remembered when the kid barely came to his shoulders, his face still full of baby fat and eyes wide in wonder. He could barely utter a curse without stuttering and his face reddening; he wasn't sure he wanted to know what happened from then till now that Sang-hyuk was able to whip out curses so quickly, so easily, and a part of him missed that little kid.  

"I can ask Saet-byul," Sang-hyuk continued innocently, ignoring Won-shik's grumbling, "Knowing her, she's probably got Hak-yeon's number on speed dial. Not too sure if she'll answer, since it's too freaking early for this, but I can ask." 

"You're just as bad," Won-shik blurted out, still worked up and hanging on Sang-hyuk's previous statement, shaking in indignant exasperation. "Saet-byul has you just as whipped-" 

"I'll call you back.”  

Won-shik glared at his phone when the other quickly hung up, making a face before looking down at his empty cup of coffee. He wished he had more money on him. He was going to starve. It wasn't long until his phone rang again, and Won-shik quickly answered while pretending to take another sip when the cashier girl glared at him for not leaving. “Sang-hyuk-” 

"She's not answering," Sang-hyuk cut in, his voice sounding much more alert, "but then I didn't really expect her to. It's still the -crack of dawn." 

"Look, I'll make this up to you, alright? Stop complaining. Do you know any other way to contact them?" 

"You could just go to their apartment. They live with Taek-woon." 

"Where's that?" 

 Sang-hyuk was barely able to give him the address of their apartment before Won-shik hung up, not about to give the younger any time to throw more insults at him. The apartment wasn't too bad of a walk away and, once leaving the café and finally away from the cashier girl's watchful stare, he saw that it had warmed up considerably in the hour he spent inside. Still a little too cold for a thin cardigan, but it would do.  

He could feel his phone vibrate, another call from Jae-hwan, and he sighed as he sent the other a quick message to reassure him that he was alive. That triggered another swarm of messages that flooded his inbox, and Won-shik sighed again. God, Jae-hwan apologizing like this and begging him to come home only made him feel worse, and he ran a hand through his knotted hair. Why couldn't Jae-hwan for once just curse and blame him, yelling at him to get his home and face his punishment? Why did Jae-hwan allow himself to take the blame, to do anything to keep the other person happy and subdued at the expense of his own happiness?  

He knew if he went home right now, Jae-hwan would just bulldoze over anything he tried to say, apologizing continuously and walking around on eggshells as if afraid he would explode any second. He wouldn't give Won-shik a chance to apologize on his own. He shoved his phone back in his pocket and walked ahead, determined to get to Hong-bin. If he couldn't get his thick-headed hyung to sit down and listen to him apologize, he would do something where he would have to see. 

He would make sure of it. 

Taek-woon's apartment was farther than he thought, taking over two hours to walk there. He made a mental note to never forget his wallet again. Walking up to the front door, he found the doorbell for Taek-woon's flat and rang, jumping in surprise when in seconds the door swung open to reveal the most harried version of Taek-woon he had ever seen.  

The man looked like he hadn't slept in days, dark circles under his eyes and his skin paler than normal. His hair was a ratted mess, his clothes hanging off his body and a sweater half pulled over him as if he had rushed to put it on before opening the door. His eyes were wide and expectant as he opened the door, but the moment he realized it was only Won-shik, his whole face fell, his shoulders slumping and his head lowering. Won-shik felt slightly offended at the response, scrunching his face up as he shoved his hands in his pockets.  

"Well, it's nice to see you too." 

"How do you know where I live?" He would have taken even more offense to the question if it wasn't for how broken the other sounded, his voice barely above a whisper.  

"S-Sang-hyuk told me," he said softly, looking him over again. "Hey...are you alright?" 

Taek-woon ignored his question. "What do you need?" 

"I was wondering if I could talk to either Hong-bin or Hak-yeon? I know they probably wouldn't really want to talk to me, but-" 

"They're not here."  

Won-shik blinked in surprise, scanning the other man's face to see if there was any hint that he was lying or playing a joke, though he didn't think Taek-woon was even capable of playing jokes. But what he saw was complete devastation, as if just those words alone were enough to break this strong man into tiny, little pieces. Taek-woon took a deep, steadying breath before finally looking back up at Won-shik, and Won-shik felt the words he meant to say get stuck in his throat.  

"They're...they're not here anymore." 

"Where did they go?" 

"They went...they went to stay with some friends of theirs." 

"Wow...and you let them?" 

Taek-woon looked up at him for a second, his mouth opening as if to retort something, but in the end just looked back down again. It was strange seeing him so defeated; he had always seemed so collected and put-together. If this was what Taek-woon was like when the people he loved left him, Won-shik's stomach twisted at the thought of what Jae-hwan must have been like when he'd decided to suddenly study abroad. He lowered his voice, now much more sympathetic as he asked carefully, 

"Would you be able to tell me where they are?" 

Taek-woon shook his head, his shoulders shaking as he bit his lower lip. "Don't bother them...they can't leave. They'll be back, they said...they'll be back..." Won-shik awkwardly put a hand on the other's shoulder when it looked like he was about to cry, and that was what snapped Taek-woon out of whatever mood he was in. The other man quickly pushed his hand away as he stood up straight, his face neutral as he stared at Won-shik with tears b and his face pink with flush.  

"Whatever they're doing, it's important and they can't come home. I...I am waiting for them. If they come back, I will let you know."  

"Er...thanks." Taek-woon nodded, face still passive as he moved to close the door. "Wait, Taek-woon." Taek-woon hesitated, one eye peeking out from behind the door as his fingers on the doorknob shook. Won-shik fidgeted, wishing now that he was even half as good with words as Jae-hwan was. "They'll come back. I could see it; they really like you."  

Taek-woon paused for a long second before a small smile appeared on his lips, dipping his head quietly in thanks before shutting the door, the click of the lock soft in the early afternoon air.  

While he felt great for that little line he threw back there, he now had nothing to do and no money to do anything, and he had no way to get Hong-bin for Jae-hwan. He could feel his phone vibrating again and he looked down to see at least twenty different voicemails from Jae-hwan, and after listening to them sighed when the latest one announced that he was going out to find him. What did Jae-hwan think he was doing, searching for him in a place as big as Seoul?  

He gave up with a sigh of defeat as he texted the other he was going home, and the response was instantaneous.  

I'll be right there! Please hurry, hyung will have a nice, warm meal waiting for you. 

Won-shik's lip curled slightly at that, wondering if he would ever be able to describe anything Jae-hwan makes as 'nice'.  

It took him another three hours to get back home, Won-shik's feet feeling like they would fall off by the time he crossed the threshold of Jae-hwan's apartment. He barely had enough time to take off his shoes when something collided hard into him, his back slamming painfully against the door. Hands ran over his face, hair, shoulders, chest; Jae-hwan scanned every inch of him hurriedly before his expression morphed into one of worried anger, pounding his chest in tears.  

"Do you realize how worried I was, Kim Won-shik?" he sobbed, tears running down his face as his fists bounced off Won-shik's chest painlessly. "I saw you only grabbed my cardigan; it was so cold and you left your wallet at home-- you wouldn't answer my texts or calls and I was so worried about what could've happened to you-" 

Won-shik caught Jae-hwan's hands and held his wrists tightly, standing silently until Jae-hwan finally looked at him. His eyes were red, his lips trembling. "You idiot, who told you to be so worried? It was just a temper tantrum, you know I was going to come home eventually." 

Jae-hwan shook his head, hiccupping. "No, but what if something happened and I never saw you again? The last thing I would have said to you would have been something that made you upset, made you leave me-" 

"Jae-hwan hyung," he said loudly, grabbing both of Jae-hwan's shoulders and shaking him until he finally shut up, "I won't leave you. I will never leave you again, I promise." He thought of Taek-woon's pale, sick face, how excited he was at the prospect of Hak-yeon and Hong-bin coming home and how quickly he wilted when he saw it wasn't them, "I was wrong for leaving you and running away. I will never do that again, I will always be here for you." 

Jae-hwan was sniffling now, searching his face as if to see if there was any hint of a lie, shaking his head. "I...I can't believe you Won-shik ah. You left so easily...what if you leave again-" 

"Then I'd bring you with me. I promise you hyung, I won't leave you again." 

It was a long moment before Jae-hwan's shoulders slumped and his trembling stopped, though he didn't look any more convinced as he let Won-shik lead him to the couch. They both sat down, Jae-hwan scooting away so there was some distance between the two of them. He felt bad as he watched the other pull in on himself; he sometimes underestimated Jae-hwan's dependency on others. 

Jae-hwan looked him over again, tugging on Won-shik's cardigan. "You really weren't hurt?" 

"No. I'm fine." Jae-hwan pulled away and he toed the other with his foot. "Look, I'm sorry I ignored your calls. I was trying to find Hong-bin for you to try and get him to come over. I wanted to surprise you but-" 

"You did what?" 

"-they weren't there. I had to call Sang-hyuk to figure out where they were. Have you heard some of the things that come out of that kid's mouth?" 

Jae-hwan chuckled, his eyes still lost. "Yeah, Sang-hyuk developed quite a bit of sass over the years. But really, where did you go, Wonnie? Why did you go looking for Hong-bin?"  

"You said you wanted him to come over. I thought if I brought him over, you would actually see my apology. Kinda sounds dumb now since I wasn't able to actually see him-" He stopped short when Jae-hwan took his hands in his, shifting closer until their feet were touching. He was smiling now. 

"You didn't have to do that Won-shik ah. I do want to see Hong-bin again, but if you were unhappy with it then I wasn't going to force you." 

"It's not that I was unhappy, I just knew that it wasn't going to happen and I didn't feel like listening to you cry all over me." Jae-hwan laughed at that, though he made no move to take his hands away. "Not to mention that if I didn't do something like this, you would never listen to me tell you I'm sorry." 

"But it wasn't your fault," Jae-hwan reasoned, "I shouldn't have brought something like that up. You don't need to apologize-" 

"That's what I'm talking about!" he snapped, yanking his hands away. "Regardless of what you say, I shouldn't have yelled at you and ran out the door like a child! That was all me, that was my fault. I should be the one apologizing. So please, hyung, let me say sorry." Jae-hwan's eyes fell as chewed his lip, and Won-shik sighed as he reached over and pulled his lip out from his teeth. Jae-hwan watched him in surprise before he smiled, his hands that had been kneading his knees finally relaxing.  

"But...I will say this...I totally lied. I never called home." 

Immediately Jae-hwan's face scrunched up as he slapped Won-shik's leg. "What? Why not?" 

He shrugged. "I don't know. I just didn't want to talk to them. But...if you want...I can call them right now." Jae-hwan stopped, eyes wide before he shook his head.  

"As much as I want you to, if you don't want to-" 

"I will," he said strongly, staring his hyung in the eye until Jae-hwan finally looked at him, "if you're with me. Would you help me, hyung?" Jae-hwan didn't say a word as he nodded, and that was all Won-shik needed to grab his phone. 

They sat there huddled on the couch, Jae-hwan's supportive arms wrapped around Won-shik's wide shoulders and Won-shik's knees pulled in close to his chest, his phone clutched in his fingers. Jae-hwan pat his back carefully, making sure to keep his voice light. "You can do it Wonnie," he whispered, and Won-shik nodded once before clicking the call button, letting out a breath he didn't know he had been holding.  

It only rang twice before a voice answered, and Won-shik felt his chest tighten at the sound. 

"Hello?" 

"H-hello?" he stuttered, his fingernails digging into his knee. There was a gasp along with strangled noises on the other end, and he felt a smile tug the corners of his lips to hear that she never changed. 

"Won-shik?" the voice asked, and that smile vanished. Won-hye had never called him by his name, had always called him by the affectionate 'oppa'. It hurt to hear her call him so formally. 

"Won-hye ya?" he whispered, "I-is that you?" 

"Yes!" she cried out happily. "I never thought I would hear from you again! How are you? Where are you now?" 

"Won-hye ya, are...are Mom and Dad there?" There was a pause on the other end as he heard the soft sound of his sister talking to someone else, and he struggled to breathe. Jae-hwan silently rested his head against his own, rubbing circles with his thumb into Won-shik's palm. It was incredibly soothing. "Won-hye?" 

"Did you never get my letters?" she asked, and he blinked in surprise? Letters?  

"L-letters?" he asked, and she made a disgruntled sound on the other end. 

"I wasn't sure how to send letters to you in America, I tried but I guess they didn't get to you. Mom...Mom passed away last year. I wasn't sure how to tell you. Dad has been looking everywhere for you since." 

Jae-hwan immediately held him close as the phone nearly slipped from his hand, his breaths coming out in short spurts. His mother...he never meant to never see her again. She had seemed so invincible, like she would always be there. No matter how long he ran away, she would always be there and he could always return to her. To think that he would never be able to see her again, that she had been gone for over a year and he never knew-- he didn't realize he was crying until Jae-hwan wiped the tears away with his sleeve.  

"M-Mom...why...?" 

"She was just sick, Won-shik. She wanted to see you, but none of us knew how to find you." 

He was openly crying at this point, letting Jae-hwan hold him tight as he sobbed. He had purposefully made it hard to find him, not even Jae-hwan had known. He had been so angry, wanting so badly to run away, yet that stupid anger had cost him his mother. He would never see her again, all because he had been so stubborn and stupid.  

"Shh, it's alright Won-shik ah," Jae-hwan soothed, patting his back. "Shh..." 

"Dad really wants to see you. I promise he's not angry anymore. He just wants you to come home. We all do." 

"H-how could...how could he look at me?" he whimpered. "Because of me...Mom..." 

"I promise he's not upset. None of us are. And...Won-shik...I really do want to see you again. I...I want to call you 'oppa' again." Her voice was quiet now, and Won-shik made an effort to wipe his eyes and stop sniffling. He was the older brother, regardless of what he'd done he had to be the comforting older brother.  

"I-if it's really alright...I will come home. I do miss you, Won-hye ya, and I want to see you. I...I can't think right now. I-I'll call back later when I can come." 

"Yes, yes that's fine!" she cried hurriedly, almost as if she was afraid he would disappear again. "Take as much time as you need! Just please come back. Please Won-shik oppa." Just the utter of the word 'oppa' added to his name was too much for him, and he hung up the phone as he allowed Jae-hwan to pull him into a hug. He was suddenly so exhausted, his whole body numb. 

They had forgiven him a long time ago. 

They had wanted him back a long time ago.  

He was the one who had held a petty grudge that had cost so much.

He fell asleep in Jae-hwan's arms, the soft whisper of 'I'm so sorry' the last thing he heard before he drifted away.