Taeyeon sat in the dark at the comfort of her living room. Yoona was out so she was left alone but she couldn’t find any peace despite the silence. It was deafening enough for her and it made her felt worse every second the clock ticked.

The meeting with Soo Yeon and Irene was disastrous. She expected that to happen but never realized how painful it was for her and her loved ones especially Irene. She had the chance to take a good look at her daughter’s face earlier on. No doubt, Irene’s indeed her daughter. She has her eyes, her nose and her smile. No wonder Soo Yeon had a hard time getting over her and in return pushed the blame indirectly to Irene.

Soo Yeon. What else could Taeyeon ask for? She was still wondering how she could go astray from a lovely woman and hooked to some in the club. Soo Yeon is perfection and she loves Taeyeon whole-heartedly. Why did Taeyeon throw that away in a heartbeat? And now she’s losing Soo Yeon and she had definitely lost her daughter to the past.

What should she do now? How was she going to solve this problem? Each time they met, somebody would run off in anger or another would just refuse to listen no matter how much begging was done. And Taeyeon knew she had no one to blame but herself.

She sighed as she took a sip of the wine which she poured earlier on. She wasn’t supposed to drink but Taeyeon didn’t have much choice. She needed this to clear her mind. Suddenly the door bell rang. Taeyeon didn’t think much about the intruder. She thought Yoona had forgotten her keys. But to her surprise, it was someone else instead.

Someone she has always wanted to embrace for the last 20 years – Jung Soo Yeon.  She stood there in shock; their eyes locked and penetrated deep into each other’s thoughts. Taeyeon started to feel nervous. She wasn’t ready for this confrontation.

“Aren’t you going to invite me in?”

Soo Yeon spoke up first.

“Uh, no, I mean yes. Hang on.”

Taeyeon’s hands shook as she grabbed the keys from the corner. She held the lock but Soo Yeon could see as Taeyeon’s shaky fingers tried to fiddle the key in. But the key fell instead.

“Calm down, Taeyeon.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Give me the key.”

Taeyeon passed it on and Soo Yeon opened the lock swiftly. Taeyeon was still standing there; rooted to the ground. She wasn’t too sure what she should do next but Soo Yeon went inside uninvited.

“Taeyeon, we need to talk.”

Soo Yeon peered over her shoulder when she realized Taeyeon wasn’t moving at all.

“Okay, sure.”

Taeyeon closed the door behind her and walked over to where Soo Yeon was waiting.

“Do you want a drink?”

“You have whiskey here.”

“I was just drinking to clear my mind.”

“I thought you’re not supposed to drink anymore?”

Taeyeon looked up, surprised.

“Yoona told me everything that you can or cannot do.”

“She’s a great friend.”

“Yeah, she’s too nice for anyone.”

“Soo Yeon, you love her a lot, don’t you?”

Soo Yeon didn’t answer. She just kept quiet. But her eyes said everything. Taeyeon wasn’t stupid. She knew because she has known Soo Yeon all her life.

“You don’t have to feel guilty.”

“It has been 20 years, Tae. 20 years of waiting in despair; in disappointment and everything that I used to believe in just faded since the day you took my heart and ripped it apart.”

“I understand. I, myself, felt so honoured that you still love me after all these years.”

“Do you still love me, Tae?”

“Yes.”

Taeyeon answered in a heartbeat. There was no hesitation and it made Soo Yeon’s heart ached a little.

“Then why did you fall out of love?”

“I didn’t. I just went astray but I never knew that deep down in my heart, I’ve always love you.”

“So, what happened? What happened to us 20 years ago, Tae? Why did you choose to be with her when you already had me and I was having your baby?”

Soo Yeon’s voice was almost painful to hear. Taeyeon could literally hear Soo Yeon’s broken heart crack at the back of her mind. It must have the most painful memory for Soo Yeon. She slowly looked up to find Soo Yeon’s tender gaze on her – that same painful expression she wore on that night she caught Taeyeon with the .

Taeyeon went on her knees. She hesitated to stretch her arms out but nevertheless took the plunge and pulled Soo Yeon in her arms. She tenderly embraced Soo Yeon and she was thankful that the latter didn’t push her away. Taeyeon stared at her face; there were no tears in Soo Yeon’s eyes. Maybe those tears have dried out after 20 years of disappointment. Her eyes went watery instead and it was Soo Yeon who wiped those tears away.

“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I know how many million times I could apologize, it could never ease that pain you feel in your heart and the torment I put you through for the past 20 years.  I wish I could undo all this pain but there’s nothing I can do now, Soo Yeon.”

Taeyeon sobbed softly but Soo Yeon remained her gaze at her.  

“Soo Yeon, I know I took 20 long years to finally face this reality. But the damage has been done. I couldn’t imagine that my stupidity cause so much pain for you and also for Irene. I thought I did the right thing but I was wrong.”

“Irene – that’s my fault. That’s not your fault. I’ll explain to her.”

“No! I was the cause of it! Soo Yeon, you love her. You love Irene more than anyone else in this world ever did. You carried her with you. I could still remember how you would sing to her as you gently caressed your stomach. And when Irene kicked you for the first time, you went hysterically happy and you called me right in the middle of my meeting just to tell me that. You were so excited; you were so amazed with the life in you who responded to your voice for the very first time.  At that point of time, I couldn’t apprehend why you were so feverishly in love with the baby. She was not born yet and you were already falling crazily in love with her.  You bought everything for her and I still could remember how I showed my annoyance towards you. I could still remember when I refused to put the baby stuff into my car because it was just a two-seater, you were disappointed with me but you didn’t say a word. You took a cab instead.”

Soo Yeon started remembering her past and her heart ached slightly. She slowly looked away and tears were apparent in her eyes. Taeyeon grabbed both of her hands and held on tightly.

“I’m so sorry for everything that I’ve done to you, Soo Yeon. I can understand why you were so hard on Irene because I didn’t give you the security and I betrayed your heart; leaving it torn apart for so long. I’m ashamed of my actions and my behaviour but Soo Yeon, for the last 20 years, I have been desperately fighting with my inner self to look for you. I wondered and pondered if you would accept me back. I turned to alcohol and at one point; I took drugs because I took the easy way out to forget everything that had happened. But when I turned sober, the memories haunted me again and again.”

 “Yoona said you were a loner.”

“I couldn’t bring myself to be with anyone else. My heart only wants you and I desire to have you again in my life.”

“What happened to your family?”

“When they found out about my affair, they got mad with me. And that was when I found out; I was being cheated by the . She was eyeing my company and when I was in a drunkard stupor, she got my signature. I sold my father’s hard-earned business to her just like that.”

Soo Yeon was shocked. She wasn’t aware of that part. She just shut herself off from everyone; the world.

“Dad threw me out and I was ashamed of myself.  You must understand me, Soo Yeon. It was not because I didn’t want you anymore but because I couldn’t afford to give you the life I’ve provided so far. I didn’t want Irene to suffer because of me. I know it was just the stupidest and lamest excuse I could give but at that moment; I’ve lost myself; my world and everything that I used to have.”

Taeyeon wiped her tears away and Soo Yeon gently caressed her arms; encouraging her to speak. Taeyeon was comforted by Soo Yeon’s gesture although she knew that she might have lost Soo Yeon’s heart to Yoona. But she wouldn’t ask for more.

“So you changed your name and left Seoul?”

Taeyeon nodded and went on.

“I ran away. I couldn’t face my family. I couldn’t face you. I just couldn’t be in the same room with another person in Seoul; fearing that they might laugh or mock me if they see me in the street. So I left.”

“Yeah, you’re one arrogant person.”

“You know me well.”

“But that didn’t give you the right to leave me alone; defending the world and taking care of your daughter.”

“I know. I wished I could take it back but I couldn’t anymore.”

“Tae, it was so difficult for me. When I was in labour, Tiffany was with me. I kept screaming for your name but you were not there. At that point of time, I was yelling in my head. Why was I so stupid to have this baby when you didn’t have the intention to raise the child together with me? You left me all alone in this world with a new baby. And it was bad enough that Irene looks so much like you from the day she was born until now.”

Soo Yeon raised her voice slightly but Taeyeon already felt bad. She was imagining the scene on her mind as Soo Yeon tried to deliver her flesh and blood out into the world. But she was such a coward instead.

“But you were right. I love Irene. I love her even before she was born.  She was born prematurely. She was so tiny and purplish. I saw her when the nurse took her to the side to wash her up. The doctor told me that her vitals weren’t really strong so I couldn’t hold her just as yet. As much as I was crying and screaming when she was born, but when I heard what the doctor said; my heart sank. She was a premature baby. The time wasn’t right yet for her to be born. I cried that night; reprimanding myself. I almost killed our baby.”

“No, Soo Yeon! It wasn’t you. It was me! I was the one who made Irene entered the world before her time. I saw her. I saw her that night. Sunny let me into nursery and pointed out at the incubator. My heart ached so much. Our baby was only in her pampers and she was fitted with wires to keep her alive.”

Soo Yeon nodded. She remembered that vividly. It tore her apart once more.

“Soo Yeon, you’re an amazing mother. You’re an incredible person. Despite what you went through, you raised Irene; giving her the best of everything.”

“You really think so?”

“At least you’re a better mother than me.”

Soo Yeon sighed.

“You could have been the better mother. If you didn’t run away and left me behind, we could have a happy family and I believe Irene will prefer you more than me.”

“Soo Yeon...”

“But it’s too late to say anything more.”

Both ladies went quiet after that.  Taeyeon’s eyes were red and swollen. She wanted to say more but Soo Yeon has heard enough. She could see how tired and devastated Soo Yeon after hearing her side of the story.

Soo Yeon, on the other hand, was outweighing her feelings for Taeyeon and Yoona. She must admit, she misses Taeyeon but when Taeyeon embraced her earlier on, Soo Yeon didn’t feel the sparks anymore. She knew Taeyeon was aware of that too.  She was torn once more.

“Soo Yeon, I’m not going to ask you to return back to me.”

“Huh?”

“I just wanted to talk to you like this. I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am. No matter what I do, it could never make up for what I did to you for the last 20 years.”

“Yoona made me do this. I’m glad she did.”

Taeyeon smiled and nodded.  

“Yoona has always been a great friend to me and I’m not going to steal her happiness away.”

“Tae..”

“Listen, I’m glad that you sat down with me for an hour and listened to me calmly. I never expected this. Thank you so much.”

“Taeyeon, I’m not leaving you.”

Taeyeon looked up.

“I’m not leaving you until I get Irene to sit here with us and listen to what you have to say.”

“Soo Yeon..”

“Listen, I’m going to stay with you until you get treatment for your condition and Irene accepting you back into her life; into our world.”

Soo Yeon smiled sincerely. And Taeyeon shed tears once more.

She didn’t really deserve this.

-

Yoona waited for Irene just outside her school gate. She kept her eyes focused at the group of students leaving the university but there was no sign of Irene.

“Where is this girl?”

Yoona whispered softly but instead of Irene, she spotted Soo Young. The woman was troubled over something and Yoona approached her first.

“Soo Young unnie.”

She called out to the taller woman.

“Hey, Yoong.”

“Are you leaving soon?”

“Yeah, what are you doing here?”

“I’m waiting for Irene.”

“Oh, Irene didn’t turn up for school today.”

Yoona was surprised.

“You looked for her too?”

“Yeah, I did. She’s still not listening to you?”

“She’s not listening to anyone.”

“It must be tough on that child.”

Yoona nodded and invited Soo Young for coffee. She has left Soo Yeon with Taeyeon earlier on so she had some free time. Soo Young agreed. They settled down at the nearby coffee house. Both were a little forlorn.

“You seem to be down.”

Soo Young took a sip of her coffee after speaking out.

“I’m worried for Irene.”

“You’re seeing her mother, aren’t you?”

Yoona nodded.

“Is her mother taking this well?”

“She has calmed down a lot better than before. I encouraged her to have one to one talk with Erika.”

“Oh, she agreed?”

“It took a lot of persuasion on my side.”

Soo Young smiled widely.

“You’re sensible, Yoona. I have never seen this side of you.”

Yoona shrugged her shoulders but nevertheless smiled widely.

“Love has made me realize that happiness is within our grasp but I cannot be with her until she and Erika sort this thing out. And Irene. I cannot do this to her. The girl deserves to know even though it might hurt her so much.”

Soo Young agreed.

“I have been trying to reach out to her but she’s adamant to block everything out.”

“She still hasn’t come to terms with the fact that Erika is her mother.”

“It’s a big blow to her. I heard what happened to her when she was younger. Is she blaming Jessica too?”

“I think in a way, she does.”

“Sheesh, this is such a big mess.”

“Yeah, but I’m not going to give up. Erika’s my friend and Jessica’s the woman I love. I want them to move on and get over this. I’ll persuade Irene to meet Erika even if it’s going to take forever.”

Soo Young grinned which left Yoona curious.

“What’s with the grin?”

“Irene prefers you.”

“Oh. As her mommy?”

“No, as the woman for her mother.”

Yoona blushed slightly and waved Soo Young away.

“Don’t be silly. Erika’s a good lady. She doesn’t know Erika well enough.”

“Yoona, do you realize that you might lose out in this battle?”

“As in I’ll lose Jessica?”

Soo Young nodded but Yoona was undaunted.

“I’m ready to give her up if reuniting with Erika makes her happier than she was before.”

Yoona’s selflessness awed Soo Young. She wondered if she could do that too; at least for Erika who doesn’t even know her heart for her.

-

Irene was at the bus stop alone. She didn’t go to school. Instead, she hung out the public library; catching up with her studies. Despite being absence from lectures, Irene tried to make it up by doing some self-studying. Her school mates helped her too. They often emailed her their notes so that Irene knew where they had stopped at.

It was almost 9pm and she was waiting for the bus to get home. But she suddenly recalled Wendy’s words and what her parents had told her. She hesitated to return to Wendy’s place now. So, she sat the bus stop while the last bus to Wendy’s place had left 10 minutes ago.

Irene’s eyes were swollen. She cried most of the time even when she was reading her notes. She had not been contacting her Mommy. She didn’t know what she should do or how she should face her. She sat there quietly; her mind was completely in a whirlpool when someone appeared next to her.

She looked up and was surprised to find her professor smiling at her.

“Professor Choi?”

“There you are.”

“Huh?”

“I saw you sitting here since an hour ago. Why didn’t you take the last bus?”

“You were watching me?”

“I went out to look for you.”

“But.... why?”

“I was with Yoona earlier on. We were talking about you. We’re worried for you, Irene.”

“She was at school?”

Professor Choi nodded.

“How did you know I’m here?”

“I caught up with your school mates. They told me you were often at the library.”

“Does Yoona umma know?”

“No, I only saw your friends after she left. Why? You don’t want her to know?”

Irene shook her head.

“Your mommy is worried for you.”

“I know but I’m not ready to meet her.”

Professor Choi smirked at first before let out a wide grin.

“I won’t tell them that I met you but you promise me something.”

“What is it?”

“Follow me home.”

“Huh?”

“I’m sure you don’t have any place to go now.”

Irene bit her lower lip. Professor Choi was right.

“I’ll take you home and get you a change of clothes. I can make supper and we can just eat and hang out comfortably together. What do you say?”

“You’re not going to tell them?”

“I promised. Are we set?”

Irene nodded. She didn’t have much choice.

She didn’t have any place to go that night.

-