Taeyeon’s POV

 

“I-I don’t know what to say…”

 

He was shaking his head profusely and then reached for his cola and drank it. He was frustrated at me, I could see it. But he wasn’t saying anything.

 

“Are you mad at me?” I managed to ask after a few seconds.

 

I’m scared to what was I about to hear. I was afraid he’ll say that I was a big disappointment. His opinion mattered so much that I was afraid it would break me. I know. I know I’m being so bad. But no one could understand me. This affair didn’t happen in a snap of finger. It was a feeling constantly awakening inside of me… so slow that it drowned me when it was already too late for me to be saved. It wasn’t planned. I didn’t plan on hurting Baekhyun. No one wanted that… but this happened.

 

His eyes were on me, void of emotions. My knees were shaking and if it weren’t that I was sitting down, I might have fell down.

 

After a few seconds, he shook his head and then reached for me and pulled me to a hug.

 

“No, silly. I’m still your bestfriend. I’ll be happy if it what makes you happy.”

 

I sobbed in his arms. The twins were just looking at us, oblivious to the bad things that their mom was doing. “Does that mean you wouldn’t tell it to Baekhyun?” I whispered. I’m scared if Baekhyun finds this out. It’s too soon… I know one day he will know it. But I want him to know it from me… not from other’s mouth.

 

I knew I deserve every insult that he would throw at me. I will accept it wholeheartedly if Baekhyun would leave me. I could live with that… What I couldn’t live with was the possibility of breaking him. I’m scared that if he’ll knew, he wouldn’t accept any love and trust anymore. I broke him too many times by the people who never wanted us to be together and I was afraid of him being scarred for the rest of his life.

 

It’s easy to trust but once the trust has been broken, getting it back is a suicide mission.

 

He looked at me and finally said, “I won’t, Taeyeon. I can’t break it to Baekhyun,” he balled his fist and then turned at me. His eyes weren’t patronizing. Whatever he was saying, I can feel that he’s disappointed at me. Of course, who wouldn’t? The Kim Taeyeon who had everything but still chose to threw it away. “I was already there even when Baekhyun  still likes you for a long time. I knew him since he was a trainee and not a chance I saw him cry because of all the harsh trainings and such. But that day, he cried, Taeyeon. For the first time, I saw Baekhyun cry when he discovered that you are pregnant, and it was horrible.”

 

My whole body froze at what was being revealed. I don’t know if I could still listen. All the revelations were making me feel worse. It was killing me from the inside.

 

With fingers trembling from all too many emotions, I continued listening.

 

“He fought for you against the management and even followed you to the Cali, that’s why their debut was delayed. And when he gets back, he was different. Different in a positive manner. He became curious, cautious to everything he do, but… he was happy. He accepted all the criticisms, ignored all the hate even though it isn’t obvious that he was having a hard time too, Taeyeon. It’s not always you who were hurting, there’s Baekhyun, doing everything for your comfort, just for you, Taeyeon. To protect you.”

 

I was wordless, too shock to handle it all. I knew I was bad but hearing all these things made me convinced myself that I was worst. I knew about what happened on past and yet I chose to hurt him.

 

I chose to hurt the man who trusted his heart to me.

 

Oppa stared at me this time. “I can’t tell him because honestly, Taeyeon. I can’t imagine seeing him devastated again. He’s suffering everyday already. The next one is up to you,” he said.

 

And then my tears were on the brink of falling. Just now, I’m starting to be scared. I was too afraid of the reality that one day, Baekhyun will know about my wrong doings and one day, I will hurt him.

 

Before, I was wondering what would hurt worse, Baekhyun leaving me or me hurting Baekhyun. But now, the answer was crystal clear. The truth hurts that I will be the one who will scar Baekhyun. It was eating me alive from the inside.

 

“Oppa…” I said as tears began falling.

 

He just shook his head. “I’m not scaring you, Taeyeon. I’m just stating the possibilities. What I am telling you that this,” he said and then raised his hand to make a point. “Whatever is going on between you and Jiyong. I know you’ve been wishing for this thing to come. If you think that it’s worth seeing Baekhyun in tears… fight for it. But I swear, Taeyeon. It will haunt you forever.”

 

“Oppa… I’m scared…” I whispered inaudibly.

 

Oppa stood up and tapped me on the shoulders.

 

After he left, I asked Jiyong to pick up the twins. He didn’t say any word since I know he could feel it that I am not feeling well. It didn’t felt right after hearing everything about Baekhyun. I know he’s been suffering because of our relationship but I never knew that he was really there since day one, watching over me and my casualties.

 

The morning after, I readied myself to practice. The members were already here and no one knew what was happening around me. They doesn’t have a complicated and shameful life like me.

 

“OMO!” I said and held my chest. Baekhyun was there outside the unit’s door holding a bouquet of roses. “Baek!” I exclaimed.

 

He walked towards me and gave me the flowers.

 

“W-what’s happening?” I said, unable to match his gaze.

 

He didn’t say anything, instead, he held my chin, as if memorizing every detail on my face. He smiled after that. “Nothing,” he said. “Are you going to the building? Let’s go together.”

 

I badly want to agree but I shouldn’t. in my mind, I should be breaking up right now. He didn’t deserve any of these deceptions. He’s too good for me… but I was too selfish to even let him go. Heechul-oppa was right, it was all on me. So might as well enjoy the remnants of our supposed to be happy relationship.

 

“I need to bring my car,” I tried to lie my way through. “How could I go home if we’ll go together?” I said through gritted teeth.

 

They said that the more you lie, the more it becomes easier. But why was my situation unlike those? The longer it takes, the harder for me to do it. I really don’t want to mislead Baekhyun, but after all that I heard from Oppa, I still can’t break it to him. Maybe, not for now. I might go crazy if ever I’ll see him break down because of me.

 

I was pathetic, wasn’t I?

 

He rested his right hand on my right shoulder and caressed the side of my neck. “Then, we’ll pick you up later,” he whispered in my ear.

 

My knees turned wobbly at his display of affection. I want to say yes, but I shouldn’t.

 

“Baek...” I said in a disapproving manner.

 

He pursed his lips and stared at me intently. “Noona, please? You’ve been dodging my calls for a few days and I am missing you so bad already.”

 

“Alright,” I conceded. “But, don’t you have a preparation for your stage? You’ll be late.”

 

He smiled and held my hands as we began to walk and wait for the elevator. “It’s alright, I’m done with stages. I’m all yours for the week,” he beamed.

 

I immediately embraced him after what I heard, and he hugged me back. His hug was tight and it seemed like he didn’t wanna let me go. And then we kissed…

 

As I was enjoying Baekhyun’s lip like it was the very first kiss, he began to slowly and tenderly brush his tongue across my lips. It was a needy kind of kiss, probably because of the days we’ve spent apart.

 

Those days did their share of hurt in my heart. I thought spending days away from him would make the guilt lesser but it didn’t. I was just yearning for him. But when I’m with Jiyong, I seem to forget whatever doubts I have inside my head.

 

“Taeyeon, I love you,” he cooed in my ears.

 

“What?” I said, unable to grasp what he said and unable to understand anything at all.

 

He pulled away from the kiss and stared at my face. “I thought I already reached the end of the line when you found Jiyong-hyung, but still you’re here with me and I love you. Thanks for not giving up on me,” he said.

 

I bit my lips at what he said.

 

Will you still love me after discovering the hideous things I did behind your back, Baek? Will you spare me another chance if I beg?

 

~O~

 

We were sitting near the window while eating dinner. My hands felt cold and I was sweating because of all these mixed up emotions inside me. I’m about to go crazy! I forgot that I promised Jiyong that we’ll be having dinner tonight, and when Baekhyun came to pick me up, I suddenly said yes.

 

And now, I was here… with all these pent up excuses building inside my head waiting to explode.

 

“Hey, don’t you like the dish?” he worriedly asked me when he noticed that I barely touched the food. I smiled timidly and then shook my head. I wasn’t about to ruin this night for both of us. Baekhyun was right, I have been avoiding him long enough that’s why I have to make it up to him.

 

I sat up straight and then forced my whole attention to him.

 

“You’re going to the Summer Welcome Party, right?” I asked since he already mentioned it earlier. For the first time, the producers of Mnet Asian Music Awards produced a party for the idols to get together and party like some normal person could.

 

He nodde