ROSIE’s POV

 

“Ya, ya, calm down.”

“Hey ajubunim where’s the prawns!”

“I’m coming, I’m coming!”

“Ya Jaehwanie hyung, flip that.”

“Ah this guy~ move move! I’ll grill that.”

“Aish so cold.”

 

I rushed, running towards the grill with a plate of marinated shrimp, snuggled myself in between Sanghyuk and Jaehwan who were bickering in front of the grill. Wonshik was somewhere on the long table along with Hongbin, prepping side dishes with Gain and Eunhee while I left Taekwoon with Jihae inside the villa to prepare the skewers and chicken.

“Oppa, that’s not how you grill them!” I shrieked. Jaehwan spilled the mushroom’s juice.

“Omo, sorry sorry~”

“Ugh. Hyung just make bokkeumbap then!” Sanghyuk shooed Jaehwan, who next kicked his . “Ow!”

 

“Everybody dance!” Hakyeon DJ played SISTAR’s Shake It from the audio player at the corner

 

Even though the weather was quite cold in that autumn daylight, everyone seemed to have some extra fun. CEO Hwang had granted us a two days and one night off to have fun outside town, so we rented a remotely-located weekend house called Praud’s Leaning House near Chungpyong.

 

“Here’s the chicken!” Jihae shouted from on top of the stairs, and Taekwoon came along behind her, calmly carrying a plate of marinated hanwoo beef.

 

“Meat!!!” everybody cheered.

We went busy grilling and marinating and plating so many, as we laughed, talked about nothings and joked about everything. It was, I think, one of the best outings I ever had in life. But as Sanghyuk and I laughed too loud until he cried, a couple of light, warm arms lingered around my waist and Sanghyuk jokingly coughed.

“I’ll just leave noona with the.. um.. big meat.”

“Ya, what the hell!” I laughed as he ran away laughing.

 

Right then, a soft sweet scent of coffee shot right through my nose, and I knew that Taekwoon had hugged me from behind, putting his chin on my shoulder.

“Hungry?” I asked, with a slight laughter.

He hummed.

“One more minute,” I said, and he nodded lightly, while humming a song softly.

And then there were many giggles and some teasing whistles that I knew came from either VIXX members or Eunhee. I could feel my cheeks burn.

 

“Still a looooong way to honeymoon, horse.” I know it’s that Jihae.

“Seriously hyung are you really going to make us jealous here.” Really, Hongbutt?

“I’M HUNGRY!!!!” That’s Jaehwan, Wonshik and Sanghyuk.

“Ya, let me get those prawns,” Hakyeon suddenly came in a hurry with a big plate. “Ya, you guys really going to starve us all.”

 

And Taekwoon chopped his neck.

“Sorry, oppa. Okay, it’s done,” I mumbled while plating the rest of grilled pork, sausages, prawns and chicken wings. Taekwoon and Hakyeon helped carrying the plates while I stack food on top of them.

“You know what? I’m really glad you guys came up to the public long ago. It.. freed us all from hiding your relationship.”

“Huh?” my hand stopped working, and stared at Hakyeon who suddenly talked.

“Thanks, Hakyeon-ah,” Taekwoon said, patting his shoulder. Hakyeon grinned.

 

Right after that, Gain led the prayer, and everybody started eating happily. Jaehwan and Wonshik insisted to grill the hanwoo beef on the table using small grills and we agreed. The fragrant scent of expensive beef lured us to eat more. Then we all started chattering, talking nonsense, and I honestly felt that I have grew closer to each VIXX members.

Proof? Even Jaehwan, Hakyeon and Hongbin talked using banmal with me and the girls. And I didn’t remember how, but suddenly ten bottles of soju made way to the table as the sky darkened and the lights in the garden was automatically . The craziness was elevated when Wonshik piggybacked Eunhee and ran around the garden, with Gain chasing Hongbin, threatening him with her shoes.

“Ya, oppa, gimme your phone!!”

“No! That’s my treasure!”

“Delete that photo, please ugh!”

I couldn’t help giggling.

 

And in my opinion, Wonshik seemed extremely happy with Eunhee today, and they spent lots of time talking, too. Was it just me? Anyhow, just the mere thought that Wonshik was happy and not attached to his feelings for me anymore was enough to make me smile.

At least his wounds heal a little. I must make time to talk to him later.

 

 

I averted my attention to another couple.

“From now on, don’t hold back to us anymore, okay?” I heard Hakyeon talked to Jihae, patting her head. “We’re a family. Not because we are in one company, but because your member and my member loved each other. We are technically a family now.”

I looked away when Jihae agreed with him, watching Taekwoon ate a mandarin orange calmly next to me.

 

“Jihwa-yah, Taekwoon-ah, you guys are listening, right?” Hakyeon suddenly called us with our real name, and I was shocked, because it was extremely rare for him to use my real name. Even the fact that he knew my real name was a surprise to me.

 

Taekwoon hummed while chewing his mandarins and raised an eyebrow, as I slid on the long bench towards Hakyeon, sitting in front of him.

 

“As the eldest of us all, I want to say that... I’m happy for you both, and glad that you went over three years together... I hope this will be permanent, so you can all be happy. Okay?” Hakyeon said.

“Suddenly being mature,” Taekwoon scoffed, and Hakyeon chopped his neck.

“I’m serious.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Hakyeon-ah, I can’t live without her, and she obviously she can’t without me too. You saw it. Even Jihae-ssi saw how bad it was, right?” finally Taekwoon spoke in a long sentence after moving on from his mandarins.

 

I nodded. At this point, losing him might be a one-trip ticket back to the hospital for me.

 

“Then, don’t you guys have a plan to take another step... you know, life in holy matrimony..?” his eyebrows wiggled.

“Ah, right! They must have it. Come on, I can’t wait shopping for presents,” Jihae giggled.

“Ya, shopping? Aish, all girls are like this huh..” Hakyeon nagged. “So, what’s up on your list then?”

 

I didn’t pay attention to the two of them bickering, or that Eunhee, Gain, Wonshik, Sanghyuk, Hongbin and Jaehwan had started playing Catch the Mouse at the corner of the table.

Taekwoon and I exchanged long gazes, our usual way of talking to each other.

 

Plans? We didn’t actually came up with any.

Well it’s me who wanted to delay our engagement.

But deep in those beautiful, guarded eyes I could see his... desire, his desperation to make everything legal. To make me his as soon as he could. Permanently, legally. But he had never forced me to do anything against my will, and I knew he kept everything hidden. In fact, he never brought this topic up anymore.

But we are racing with time. His age, his responsibilities.

And time was never really on our side.

 

“Uh, yeah. That’s private. Let’s clean up,” Taekwoon cut off, while still staring at me.

 

I sighed, glad he read me well. But Hakyeon and Jihae seemed surprised at Taekwoon’s reaction. Even though somewhere in the deepest realm of my consciousness, I really did felt guilty.

“Huh? Oh.. okay, I think we went too far, sorry,” Hakyeon apologized. He seemed to think that he was intervering our private lives.

“No, it’s okay, oppa.. It’s just, we haven’t decide on anything. So it’s better to, you know.. wait for the right time, see where the time would stream,” I said, half-heartedly.

 

Hakyeon and Jihae finally nodded, yet exchanged glances between each other. I exhaled long.

“It’s 11 PM. We should clean up and get to rest,” I suggested, made myself busy with picking up the dirty dishes near me. Taekwoon jumped up to help.

 

But I knew Hakyeon still stole glances at us.

 

 

We are at our happiest moment, I constantly thought as I picked up plastic cups off the ground and the table which the boys used to play beer pong a couple moments ago. We are at our happiest moment now, and nothing could change that. I kept on reminding myself.

I picked up more plastic cups and put them in a big, black trash bag separated from other domestic litters. Faintly I could hear Eunhee, Hongbin and Jihae bickered nonsensical things while they were washing the dishes, Hakyeon wiping the long table clean in silence, Gain, Sanghyuk and Jaehwan separating the trash and recycled the bottles and Wonshik, along with Taekwoon, fixing the barbeque grills and portable stoves from the garden.

So far, nobody had touched the swimming pool next to our dining spot in the garden, even though it was so invitingly lit, with underwater sparkly lamps and warm temperature. I took a glance of it while stretching my back, letting my mind set off.

I’m living the dream now, I continuously told myself that. I’m living my dream now, what’s to whine about.

 

But I wanted to get married.

I wanted to have children with Taekwoon while I can.

Back then I really didn’t think much about marriage, as long as I could be an idol, not caring that risking my own personal life would be the cost of being one. Now... Well honestly I never thought that someday my carelessness would come back from my past to bite me.

 

“Need help with that?” Taekwoon suddenly came, while wiping off his sweat from his temples hidden well under his curtain of jet-black long fringe.

I shook my head.

“I’m almost finished.”

But Taekwoon studied me, and he frowned.

“Hmm. You need a time off.”

“Huh?”

“Let me throw these away, you wash up. Meet me here right after,” he commanded, while taking away the trashbag and walked away.

 

I watched him strutting towards the dumpster, hand-gloves dirtied by charcoal on his hands, while he was still wearing his black t-shirt and black jeans. I just couldn’t tear my eyes away from him, never. I didn’t know, and I think I would never know what actually attracted me towards him, what kind of foreign gravity would have such a power to drag the two of us from completely different places in the beginning to be together, like this.

 

Then there was a slight sadness passing on my universe, leaving behind an uncomfortable feeling that verged on loneliness and gratitude of having such a wonderful man in my life.

 

Taekwoon turned around, noticing I was still staring at him. He looked at me while taking off his gloves and wiping his face, his other hand gestured me to go inside and clean up. I had no choice but to obey him.

I walked quickly towards the bedroom that I and Jihae used, and grabbing my skin-care pouch, started washing my face on the basin. The cold water settled my mind a little bit, as I foamed my face, purified my pores and rinsing everything off. As I stared at my own dripping wet reflection on the mirror, guessing nervously what Taekwoon wanted to do with me. I quickly finished up, changing my jumpsuit into a one-piece white shirt with long sleeves and the edges fell to the upper of my knees, and rushed out to the garden to find him. As I walked out, I was glad that the kids were blending in well with each other as they sat on the living room, watching a horror movie, causing Wonshik, Hakyeon, Gain and Eunhee to grab a decorative pillow in front of their faces. I snort as I heard Hakyeon and Gain’s shriek while I walked out to the garden, only wearing sandals.

 

 

He sat down on the edges of the pool, letting his bare foot in to the cooling water with his trousers folded up to his knees, and I could saw four bottles of cold San Miguels sitting next to him. I couldn’t help to smile a little despite the vibration of longing in my upper stomach, loving how his old habit never changed. He knew I loved cold beer just as he loves coffee, and since then he would kept up with my drinking habit.

I tiptoed behind him, kneeled down and hugged him from behind, putting my chin on his broad, tough shoulder. Taekwoon didn’t seem to be surprised. He sighed, and pat my head with his right hand softly.

“Sit here,” he gestured. I nodded, sitting next to the beer bottles which caps had already been slightly opened by Taekwoon. I took one, and drank one comfortably, as Taekwoon lift his own bottle and gulped thirstily.

 

I took off my sandals, and put my foot into the water. It was comfortably cool. We sat there enjoying the night sky in comfortable silence for quite a moment, until half of our beers went away.

 

“Been a long time,” Taekwoon broke the silence. “And I have left you a lot these past years. I’m sorry.”

I raised an eyebrow, looking at him. “Why being sorry? I’m glad your global concert went great.”

“I haven’t been able to make time to be with you,” he said.

I shook my head.

“As long as you’re being honest with me, I’m okay with long distance relationships.” I took another gulp of my beer.

“Of course. You can trust me.”

“I know.”

 

He turned his sight to the pool, and I followed him. The lights on the base of the pool danced brilliantly georgeous with thousands of ripples on the water’s surface that me and Taekwoon’s legs made, reflecting a glimmering light to both of our faces.

 

“I love you... so much,” he said, yet he was still amazed by the dancing lights of the water. “I hope... you could understand the plans that I made for the two of us,” he said.

I frowned. “Plans...? We haven’t really put up any kind of plans.”

Taekwoon sighed. He avert his eyes from the shiny light dance of the water towards me, as his hand cupped my face from across, brought me closer to him to let our lips met.

 

But it wasn’t the passionate kiss that I’ve been expecting.

It was... feathery light, soft... yet sad, and cold.

After a moment, he broke the kiss.

 

“Rosie... I have to serve my country.”

“Wh... what...?”

 

I pulled away from him, I couldn’t control my expression, and I obviously couldn’t control my heart beat.

It felt like Taekwoon punched my stomach instead of kissing me.

 

He sighed.

 

 

“I knew your reaction would be like this,” he said, in nothing more than a breath as his head was hung low.

“Of course it’s going to be like this! Explain it, I don’t understand.. I.. I mean, I.. We...” oh, I couldn’t find anything suitable enough to say, to.. describe how I felt. “We... you.. ah, you’re just turning 28! There’s still a long time for.. for that, right?”

 

Oh yeah, my voice raised. But I couldn’t even care.

 

“Rosie, I have plans that have been calculated perfectly, for the sake of you, me, my group, us,” he said, in a tired tone. “It’s better to go now than postponing it even longer.”

“Plans?! What do you mean, you make plans yourself?” I can’t believe this.

“Yes, because I knew you would react like this!” he finally turned at me.

“You planned everything yourself, for yourself, you haven’t even asked my opinion on, well, anything!”

“Rosie, listen—“

“Taekwoon-ssi, that is so selfish of you!” Before I realized it, I already shrieked. “I just.. I, I.. I just got you back, and you.. you are willingly going to go away? Again?!” Something behind my head told me I would regret this later, but I chose to ignore it. Anger and terrifying images rised up in me.

“What?!”

Taekwoon, shockingly, raised his voice as well.

“You said I’m selfish?! I’m merely thinking about our wellbeing, my group’s position, and you! I planned to enlist secretly soon so I could spend more time with you right after with no other problem that would need a long period of attending to!” He put away his empty beer bottle with such power that made me jumped on my seat in shock.

“Only two years, not even two years, and then we could be together again! So you can have your husband all to yourself, and you call that selfish?!”

 

 

My jaw fell down open.

A cold, unfriendly steel hands grabbed my heart, my lungs, my insides and squeezed me out of breath.

I was so terrified with this never-seen-before angry form of Taekwoon.

He had never warn me, let along yelled at me like this.

 

“You know what? I thought you could be open minded, I thought you could process things with logic and not with your ego. I was wrong,” he said, in an extremely cold tone. “This fight is stupid, stupid cause with stupid brains. I should’ve just give you the rundown maybe.”

 

Stupid?

Oh, I found my voice.

 

“You... said, I’m.. I’m stupid?” I stuttered, trembling, yet confused, and my furrowed eyebrows wouldn’t return to its normal state.

 

Taekwoon sighed, took a sip of his last bottle of beer.

“Yeah. Yeah, because you didn’t even let me finish and just deal with everything using your ego,” he said, not looking at me.

 

 

I was drown in confusion.

Confused was the perfect word to describe how I felt.

Yet I couldn’t even talk to him.

 

Is it stupid if I wanted to have him beside me?

Is it wrong to have an ego?

Am I.. stupid, for holding him back?

 

I stared confusedly at Taekwoon for another couple of seconds, until finally my body returned to its old, original habit of wind elements that Aquarians like me have always had. I subconsciously stood up in silence, picked up the empty beer bottles, and walked absentmindedly to the dumpsters bare-footed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Top-10 Hottest Couples in K-Showbiz”

“VIXX Leo & CG Rosie, ‘Most Intimate, Long-time Ongoing Relationship”

“Idol Couple to be Taken Advices from: VIXX Leo and CG Rosie”

“Kpop Idol Couple to be Jealous of—LR”

 

 

It was amazing, how easy the public’s opinion could shift in just a couple of years. Three years ago, they all hated me and threw all kinds of tantrum when they ‘accused’ us to be in a relationship. Yet now, almost three years after coming out to the public, all I saw was just positivity.

 

I guess Dispatch guys did their jobs well, huh. But I admit I’m still quite cynical towards everything.

 

Honestly I still remember the usernames of those netizens who threw me malicious comments from year to year. I remember them perfectly in detail, because, even though I did lost my memories once, I actually someone with a strong memory and I think I will never forget those.

 

Seeing those usernames who used to spat at me in the comments box turning to cheering me out, honestly felt cringe-worthy to me. Disgusting, the best word to use.

 

Jyjhyx05 : “Wow look how pretty she was on that last photo kkk this unnie is the best.”

“this piece of nugu is trying to attract the wrong kind of attention huh.. kkk nugu with a nugu motherer, who cares.. deny it all you wanted, it will still surface in no time kkkk stupid”

 

76Tangerine07: “i’m a byulbit since 2014 and i really wish they would go all the way into marriage kkkk imagine how the child would be. I’m happy but i’m jealous too. Kkk taekwoon look like a good man”

“another same-entertainment-relationship? When will these end duh no this isn’t to make her group popular, if so why not targetting a way more famous man, i mean vixx is only popular among their fans kkkkk look at how they made it obnoxious though”

 

If not for my newly-acquired high level of self control through yoga, I might have threw my phone outside the window. It’s so cringe-worthy, it’s gross and left a bad, painful in my upper stomach. How can Taekwoon not see these? These two-faced people who used to stab our backs, filled with pretense.

 

 

Hypocrites. Two-faced. .

 

 

This was why I delayed accepting his engagement plans. Yes it’s been peaceful for three years, but after this? What would happen? Let alone he should be entering the military already. These were everything that made me hesitated to approve his plans, as much as I loved him. Will he ever understand?

 

I don’t know.

 

 

I kept on scrolling through the Pann discussion boards and several other news media, as the van comfortably slid through the rain on the way to the airport. We had to board the plane to Los Angeles, USA in about two hours from now, and our manager insisted it’s better to be early than late.

 

Honestly, I couldn’t care less, even though this trip is just the same as going home for me. Yes, I came from LA, and yes, I’m still American. Korean-American. Well, it’s been five, six years since I left home without having any chance to go back, since I went to Korea, gambling on my destiny, which slowly revealed itself to be a rather monochromatic one. Not like I would love to go home anyway.

 

Yes, my life now resemble a colorful, yet monochromatic color-scale that decorated my young-time dreamy imagination. Before I went to South Korea, it was a rather boring, dark-grey-to-black. Nothing interesting, nothing exciting. Only problems giving birth to another problems, hitting pitch black when Mom died and Dad got arrested. But then...

...then it changed back into a slightly brighter black when I decide to go to South Korea. Challenging myself, meeting all kinds of outlandish culture-clash even though I actually had Korean roots. Then.. it slowly entered a brighter grey when I met a certain Jung Taekwoon in person.

And when he accepted me, when me and him became us... a certain bright, blinding explosion of white transformed my monochromatic scaled-life into a way more colorful color scheme. There’s pink, it’s my CG members, soft and happy and bright. Then comes an elegant beige, which resemble VIXX members, but of course Wonshik came in a warm, yet bright green. Different from the rest, yet made a fun, lovely, refreshing change into my scheme.

 

I was pitch black, and Taekwoon, the bright, blinding, glimmering white found me. Together, the light and the dark danced their way into making colorful explosions in the once-monochromatic life of mine.

 

But...

 

 

After what happened last night, I figured he was still angry at me. And I knew perfectly that it was me who was guilty, yet I didn’t even have any strength to gather my courage and talk to him. As we all separated to attend our own schedules this morning, he didn’t even look at me, and he spent all his time alone with Wonshik. Wonshik gave me looks that indicated me to not go anywhere close to Taekwoon in the meantime, because Taekwoon’s anger and frustrations could spread and infect just anyone nearby, and obviously, only Wonshik could calm him down. I stole glances at them, and Taekwoon laughed a lot while being together with Wonshik.

 

At least I could be glad that Taekwoon’s a little bit distracted by Wonshik’s presence.

 

 

“Rosie, we’re here,” Pilseung-oppa suddenly said, and I quickly wiped my cheeks.

“Oh, yeah.”

“Remember to do your best. After this shoot, I’ll pick you up and we’ll head to Hong Jinhee’s radio show, the other girls would be there first....”

 

 

 

I didn’t pay much attention as the make-up artist prepped me up for the autumn-themed Cautier photo-shoot, even though the location was set up oh-so-georgeously. I was told that the theme would be a mixed-emotions-dismal, and I couldn’t hope for better.

 

At least I wouldn’t need to fake a smile today.

 

“Careful with your steps, careful—“

The coordinator unnie helped me walking in my 17 cms high heels and picked up the edges of my artificially-complicated ruffled edge of my long dress, and helped me position myself.

 

It’s so loud, inside my head..

The words that I should’ve said

As I drown in my regrets..

I can’t take back, the words I never said...

 

I jumped on my seat a little bit in shock, as I heard an old Lupe Fiasco song started playing inside the studio. It was Lupe Fiasco’s Words I Never Said with Skylar Grey, a singer I liked a long time ago. The lyrics didn’t make much sense into my already-obstructed mind, yet I absentmindedly made an incoherent relation between this song to my feelings about Taekwoon right now.

 

“Right, we’ll start the try-outs, okay Rosie-ssi? One, two, three-“

 

The shoot started, and I just automatically turned myself into some kind of damsel-in-distress due to the song playing in the background. Each pose, framed with blinding shots of blitz lamps, streamed naturally, correlated to my emotions.

 

“That’s great! That’s amazing acting! Keep the tears on going!” the photographer exclaimed excitedly.

 

 

 

 

None of them knew the real meaning behind these tears. So I continued letting myself to become a mannequin for them to use.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

LET'S START THE ENGINE!!