LEO’s POV

 

 

“Take her away, oppa,” Lee Jihae commanded.

Wonshik and I both stood up at the same time. But suddenly he stared at me, and he handed Rosie’s bloody, weak body to my embrace. I quickly held her, as Wonshik whispered.

 

“Take care of her.”

 

Despite the tears, Wonshik looked into my eyes, and nodded again, as if he was encouraging me.

 

My body, which grew colder due to the shock earlier, suddenly being crept up with warmth.. and courage. Just as if Wonshik’s whispered words encouraged me, assured me that he had entrusted this woman to go with me, I nodded powerfully and quickly turn around, starting to run out of the building.

 

Not waiting for the elevator, I ran down the stairs, small traces of Rosie’s blood trailing behind us. I was glad that we met nobody in the building and most of the rooms had went dark. My breathing grew heavier, as I finally reached the backdoor of the building, coming out to a small dark street where nothing aside of a silver van parked right at the front of the backdoor could be seen.

I could see paramedics dressed in whites ran towards us, helping us. One of them took Rosie from my hand, the other opened the backdoor to the van. Turns out it was an ambulance, disguised as a normal van. The paramedic that took Rosie lied her on the bed and I got on the ambulance when I realized that Wonshik stood on the backdoor.

“What are you waiting for?! Come on!” I said.

 

Wonshik shook his head.

 

“I will come later. I’ll help Jihae clean up first,” he said.

I frowned, but Wonshik came closer to the van, a painful smile plastered on his face.

“Take care of her, hyung. She loves you,” Wonshik said.

 

My eyes widened.

But before I could say anything, Wonshik helped closing the doors, and the car drove away.

 

 

 

 

Minutes by minutes pass away as we drove to the said hospital. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the bleeding rose that lied in front of me, cables and pipes and oxygen mask connecting her to life as she was still unconscious.

 

 

She had tried to tell me about something huge. That I think, maybe, could alter the course of our fates.

 

I felt it on her lower stomach before. It was alive.

 

I took one of her hand, held it close and rest my head on it.

 

 

 

I’m going to protect you two.

If she’s really.... having another life within....

I’m going to protect you both...

It has never been a mistake.

Life and love... has never been a mistake.

You both are my responsibility now, and I’m ready.

 

 

 

 

“Doctor..” I mumbled. “What is going on with her..? Is she really...?” I asked, absentmindedly.

One of the paramedics took his mask off.

“We still don’t know for sure, but from what Dr. Seo told us before, maybe.. she had miscarriaged.”

 

 

I could tell my heart stopped.

 

 

 

 

 

“Mis.. Miscarriage..? You mean she’s.... She was really pregnant?” I asked, in nothing more than a whisper.

 

The paramedic nodded. “That’s what’s in the report. Apparently she was 4 months pregnant. But judging by her condition, I don’t think the baby could be saved.”

 

 

My breath went ragged. My heart felt like it was stabbed by a sword. I couldn’t control myself, couldn’t notice the shriek and the scream of regret that escaped my throat. I fell on my knees to the floor right at her side.

 

So the slight bulge that I felt on her womb, back in the studio, was really the baby that was already dead. Our child...

 

 

All I wanted to do was to bury my face on her body, her neck, her chest. My scream muffled on her stomach. I clench her hand, but it gave no effect to help me held back my scream. My tears.

 

I sobbed. The hardest, and the loudest I’ve ever did in my life. I have never cried like this before. Especially not for a woman. I could taste my own tears on my mouth, the mouth that didn’t stop screaming Rosie’s name.

 

 

She was bearing my child.

And now she lost it.

She was really hurt. And broken.

And she concealed everything, alone.

 

 

She said the name.... what was it...?

Oh.

Taegoon.

 

 

I could feel the paramedic caressed my back a little bit as an attempt to calm me down, but I didn’t care. I raised my face to see hers, caressed her cheeks with my blood-stained fingers. I trembled.

 

 

I’m sorry... I’m so sorry...

Forgive me, Rose...

Forgive me, my child...

 

 

Those are the only words I could think of, the only words I could say.

 

 

 

 

The ambulance finally pulled over. I could hear people indistinctively got busy, then the backdoors were open. The paramedic I spoke to helped me to get out of the ambulance, while the other busy moving Rosie’s bed down, and I joined the paramedic pushing the hospital bed all the way through to the ER. I could only see Rosie’s unconscious face got blurred in my eyes, as I cried while running.

 

“Just leave her to us, kid.”

“No,” I said abruptly, as we finally entered an empty room filled with medical equipment and machines.

 

The medic team moved Rosie to a bed, and I watch over them all the way from the corner of the room as they prepped her and attaching many medical machines, monitors and cables that only God knew what the names are.

Suddenly a woman, maybe in her late 20s, approached me.

“Excuse me, who are you?”she asked.

 

I only stared at her.

 

She sighed. “Are you Rosie’s guardian?”

I shook my head, feeling there’s still traces of tears on my face, but I don’t care.

 

“Are you her dearest Jung Taekwoon then?” she whispered, asking.

 

My eyes went wide, and she smiled.

 

“So, you’re the one Rosie always talked about,” she said, in a satisfied tone. “Oh, you’re very handsome. No wonder she can’t pass one minute not talking about you.”

“You knew her?” I finally asked, my voice went sore.

She nodded. “I’m doctor Seo Doyeon. She’s my special patient. I think of her as a friend, and she told me to only trust you.... So, do you mind telling me what’s going on?”

 

I sighed. I honestly didn’t know what to say, where to start... who caused these whole... bloody thing.

 

“We were just talking in the practice room, when she suddenly screamed. I think she was in pain. She held her stomach all the time. Then she fell down, and blood... blood started to come out of her... of her...”

 

I had no strength to carry on. I fell down to the floor, my head in between my knees. I felt like the floor was spinning, everything went blur.

 

“I heard.. from the paramedics.. she.. she was.. pregnant. And she.. she miscarriaged.. It’s mine... it’s mine... It’s my fault..” words ran out of my lips, that I couldn’t even comprehend.

 

Doctor Seo sighed, then she kneeled next to me, when all of a sudden I heard a distinct ruckus outside of the room. Suddenly the door was opened, and Wonshik, along with Lee Jihae, rushed in. I stared at them, not knowing what to do.

 

My head, my mind, lied there on the hospital bed with the girl I love. I couldn’t even focus my eyes, when Wonshik walked towards me, pulled me up to stand, and hugged me. When Lee Jihae ran to the hospital bed next to Rosie, crying while holding her hand. When doctor Seo asked the medics to get out and leave out just one nurse.

Everything felt like it happened in slow motion, making me experiencing it twice worse than reality. Wonshik’s sobbings could be heard throughout the room, while my tears run down my cheeks in silent.

 

I could only stood there weakly, with no expression, looking at Rosie’s body through Wonshik’s trembled arms that hugged me, when Lee Jihae walked away from the bed, expressionless tears falling down her cheek, when doctor Seo started opening Rosie’s now red-stained training pants, to reveal her thighs and her private part stained by dried blood.

 

I could saw doctor Seo, after putting her mask and gloves, together with the nurse taking off Rosie’s pants, lifted bloody, gory, now – broken baby lumps from inside the pants and putting those lumps into a steel basin. Wonshik pulled Lee Jihae away, hugged her and turned her face away so she didn’t have to look at the totally horrible sight of a once-so-vibrant Rosie Song, now lied unconsciously in her own pool of blood.

 

Doctor Seo then pulled out Rosie’s undergarments, stained heavily by blood, revealing Rosie’s private part being damaged, kept on releasing bloody lumps to the sheets under her. The nurse took a syringe and injected the contents into Rosie’s arm, while the doctor took a small, long knive with something that looks like steel tongs, moved in between Rosie’s thighs, while finally the nurse apologized to us and pulled the green curtain to block our sights, and I couldn’t see her anymore.

 

I stood there for god knows how long. After some time, Lee Jihae held my arm, and led me out of the ER to the waiting room, where she seated me next to Wonshik.

 

 

 

Hours passed by. We sat there, waiting. Wonshik fell asleep on the couch, light snore started to escape from his throat. Lee Jihae rolled herself up, her coffee left untouched as she also fell asleep. I felt sorry for her. I stood up, taking of my black parka and covered her body with it.

 

I took a walk to the nearest vending machine, pressed the button and a can of coffee came out. My hand reached out to take it. It was cold.

 

 

 

“I thought you don’t like cold coffee?”

“No, I like them. They resemble you,” she muttered, while opening the can and sipping the contents.

“What?” I think I heard it wrong.

“Nothing.” And then she laughed, while walking towards her van.

 

 

I didn’t have the strength to walk away, just stood there, staring at the blue coffee can.

The hospital was empty, no one in sight, aside from the nurses in their station. It was already 3 AM.

 

What’s taking so long?

What did the doctor do to Rosie?

How will Rosie be?

 

I fell kneeling down to the floor, my head rested on the vending machine’s door. My sobbing ran out dry.

 

I don’t know what to do, what to say. I felt so empty. I broke Rose. And this could’ve killed her.

 

“Taekwoon-ssi.”

Someone touched my trembling shoulder softly. I forced myself to look up.

The doctor was there.

 

“Rosie..?” I whispered.

 

The doctor still managed to smile. “She’s fine. She’s stable now. I’ll inform you her status, since she seemed to trust only you, and she also had said that, no matter what happens to her and the baby, I am not to tell anyone without her own consent. So... Are you okay with this information?” she asked.

I nodded.

“So... I already removed parts of the died embryo from her, and her bleeding has ceased. Her l opening were ripped as the dead embryo had to be cleared out, and I already fixed a small amount of stitches. We gave her lots of painkillers and blood transfusion, lucky we had lots of O’s in the blood bank..”

 

Died.. embryos..

 

“I think she would wake up soon. She will have to stay here for about two-three days to fully recover. I have prepared a report for her company stating that she only had an accident, so they won’t find out the real details, ” she said.

 

I took a deep breath of relief, then I stood up, unconsciously hugging the doctor, who looked a lot like my second older sister.

 

“Thank you... for saving her,” I whispered, and I absentmindedly left her, walking back towards the ER.

I didn’t care about anything else.

 

I pushed the door open, and going through the green curtain.

 

Rosie lied on the hospital bed peacefully. They apparently had cleaned her and changed her a new hospital gown. She had oxygen mask on, also an IV drip. The pouch containing blood was hanged near her, supplying her with life stream.

 

She was very pale, almost translucent. Her hands are both folded on her stomach, and that’s when I saw my platina ring still sat there innocently, shining brightly under the hospital light.

I sat on a chair next to her bed, examining her face.

In my eyes, she may not be perfect. There were times when the members had peptalks on what kind of girl was their ideal type. But I was never that interested with those topic. Maybe because I have never experienced a real, true love.

 

But now I have.

 

This flower, so fragile in my hands. I put her cold, weak palm to my cheek, feeling its familiar touch. I slowly closed my eyes, wanting to remember every single touch this girl, this woman, had ever gave me. Every touch that I had always cherish.

 

And right at that moment, I realized. Rosie has always looked at me with a certain.. amazed expression. She had always touch me softly, slowly, with an expression like she had never seen anything like me. Like I was a huge, exciting Christmas present for her. Like I was the most perfect person, like I was her most favorite person on earth.

 

I don’t feel like I deserve so much love from her.

 

I slowly opened my eyes to see her face, somewhat ready to see her smiling at me.

 

But she didn’t smile at me.

 

She was sound asleep. Weakly. And I think, the biggest disappointment in my life had just happened.

It wasn’t losing on competitions, not when we lost in music shows after so much work done, not when my ankle was dislocated and I was told that I couldn’t be a soccer athlete anymore. No.

 

 

It was realizing that, after I opened my eyes, hoping to see her smile, she didn’t smile at me.

 

 

She’s not as pretty as models, not even prettier than her bandmates.

She’s unique, like music, like art.

Art and  music were not supposed to be beautiful. They’re supposed to make you feel something.

She’s as fragile as the petals that had withered from a once fully-bloomed- rose.

 

I stood up, and kissed the top of her head. She smelled as usual, fresh and warm, with a faint scent of bubble gum lingering about her. Even when lying in a hospital, I could still smell a lingering scent of bubble-gum scented cologne that she always put on. She had once told me that she loves the smell of bubble-gums, making her different from the rest of the world. Back then I always laughed and snickered at her silly statements, like that. But now, I missed anything that would came out of .

 

My tears fell without me knowing.

 

I don’t even want to move from where I stand. I just want to kiss her, holding on to her like this forever. I tried to held back my sobbings, but I couldn’t. My whole body trembled. I kissed her hair, her forehead, her eyes. I kissed her hands.

 

 

I should have appreciate her more. I ruined her. Her heart, her body, her life. What would happen to her next?

 

 

 

“Taekwoon-hyung.”

 

Someone held my shoulder. I turned around to see who it was.

Wonshik.

He stood there, looking at me with his eyes swollen.

 

“Hyung..”

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

“Eh-what?”

“I’m sorry.. I stole Rosie. You liked her first, but now I loved her more than I would ever imagine. I’m sorry, Wonshik-ah. But I can’t... I don’t think I could let her go.”

 

Wonshik hung his head low. He didn’t even look at me when I talked to him. But I can’t lie.

 

“I’m sorry, Wonshik-ah. I’m so sorry. Forgive me.”

“Hyung..”

Wonshik hugged me, softly. He rested his chin on my shoulder.

“Wonshik-ah..”

“Hyung, I don’t want my feelings to ruin our friendship. Even though you never talk too much, you are my best friend... And I know, she chose you. So don’t feel guilty at all to me. Because it’s Rosie’s choice if she wanted to be with you. And if.. she ever felt like she would chose the opposite... We should know that it would purely be her decision..”

 

Then he let go of me. He still managed to smile, despite the heartbreak I forced on him. I could not think of any words that would describe how I felt then. I just nodded to him, looking straight into his eyes.

 

“Thank you,” I said.

 

Wonshik pat my back, and with the last glimpse he took on Rosie’s weak body, he left the room. I watched him over until he left.

 

Wonshik was one of the closest person to me. He might be annoying sometimes, but I never had any bad thoughts on him. To me, he’s understanding, sincere and flexible. He could cozily stayed around me when I know the other members never felt as comfortable as he was being around me. He talked, I listened. I talked, he listened. In no time, he sort of naturally became my spokesperson, even in variety shows. And he’s clever too.

 

He’s actually my favorite dongsaeng.

 

But now I hurt him too.

 

I always knew he’s not someone who held grudges. He’s a very kind and loving person. But he’s not someone I would want to betray.

 

I fell down to my chair, taking back Rosie’s hand to find solace and comfort.

 

 

 

Why do I ... Why do I lack... the ability to express myself, at the time I need it most..?

I should have showed you my love more than this....

 

 

If I’m about to make so many sacrifices, you better be the one, Rosie.

If I’m really about to give myself away, you better say yes.

Because I can’t.. honestly now I can’t even breathe without knowing that you’re staying alive for me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Painful.

Everything in this darkness are so painful.

 

So... dark.

This kind of darkness is heavy. The most unpleasant kind of darkness.

I hate it here.

 

Light... I need light.

Light...

Light...

Li..

 

Leo...?

 

 

 

 

Suddenly, there’s light.

 

Warmth spread. A pleasant, comfortable warmth in the dim light that started to shine even more brighter.

 

 

What smell is this? Coffee...?

Dark coffee... Warm, crisp.... but sweet.

 

Who is that?

Oh... My man...

That man. I know him. I love him.

Who’s his name again?

 

Ah... Leo.

 

So, this is heaven..?

So, this is what they called as a paradise..

 

 

 

“Heaven...” something escaped my mouth.

 

“R-rose? Rosie? Rose!”

 

Someone called. Such a sweet, soft voice. The most beautiful instrument in the world, his lips. Yes.

 

 

He’s calling my name.

 

My name, coming out of his lips...

The sweetest tone I have ever heard...

The most magical music, yes, indeed.

 

 

Oh, Leo. Jung... Taekwoon.

 

 

I raised a heavy hand to touch the blurry outline of the man’s face. My favourite face. My favourite person.

 

There. I touched it. Oh, his face became clearer in my eyes.

Jung Taekwoon. Now I remember his name.

 

 

“Jung Taekwoon...” I whispered. I could finally feel a smile creeping up to my face.

 

 

How could I not be happy? Feels like it’s been such a long while since I saw him.

 

 

I’m happy.

But... why is he crying..?

 

 

“Why...?” I whispered.

 

“Don’t worry, the doctor is here. Rosie, you’re gonna be okay. God I’m so glad you’re awake...”

 

“Rosie, look at me. Can you see me? See this light. Focus on me, okay? See my finger? Rosie, focus.”

 

“But... Taekwoon..? Why..?” those words are the only ones that managed to escape my mouth. Why was Taekwoon crying? Who is that woman?

 

I tried hard to look at Taekwoon’s mourning face. This light being shot to my eyes is so annoying. Taekwoon, why? I have to see him again.

 

 

“My early diagnose ... she’s experiencing an extreme case of PTSD.”

 

“What?! How could that be? Doctor, please help... I don’t want to lose her.”

 

“She had a huge stress that leads to trauma during her misscarriage, so she temporarily can’t remember anything. Her memories are not lost, it’s just being repressed, covered by all her fears, stress and other emotions.

So her brain... simply don’t want to ‘remember’ the memories. That’s my early guess. We still need to check her tomorrow.”

 

“But..”

 

“Leo-ssi, please calm down. This is quite normal to someone who experienced deep stress and trauma. You mean so much to her. You have to help her relieve her trauma. Maybe that could help...

Her memories will come back in a short time, yes, because it’s just being clouded by her stress. But it also depends on how much she tries to remember. So help her.”

 

 

“Taekwoon...” I whispered.

 

 

And then, there. He sat next to me again. I couldn’t help but to smile.

“Taekwoon.”

 

But why is he crying so much? What makes him sad?

 

I want to sit. I want to touch his face.

 

“Don’t get up just yet, Rose..” Taekwoon whispered, pushing me back to the bed.

“Why are you so sad..?” I asked. “Don’t cry.. don’t... I don’t want you to be sad...”

 

 

But seems like, whatever I said will not help him become cheerful again. I saw him forcing himself to smile, wiping his tears. But he still cried.

 

“But, Taekwoon... I love you... why are you so sad?”

 

Did I say something wrong? He kept sobbing, and he hugged me. So tight.

I’m happy in his arms.

Felt like I’m in a paradise. I felt like I could fly. Like a dream come true.

 

 

 

But why is Taekwoon crying?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SORRY I HAVEN'T HAD MUCH CHANCE TO UPDATE, I'M FINISHING OFF MY THESIS PLEASE PRAY FOR ME OMG

I PROMISE I WILL TRY TO UPDATE MORE FREQUENTLY TT___TT