ROSIE’S POV

 

 

 

“Rose, seriously, for how long are you planning to stay in that bathroom?”

“Rosie, if you don’t answer me right now, I swear I will break in.”

“Rosie!”

 

 

Jihae’s voice echoed throughout the bathroom walls, yet I didn’t even want to respond to her. She didn’t understand. She’ll never understand. She’ll talk to me only when she’s angry. Right?

 

She doesn’t care.

Nobody cared.

I’ve always been alone since the beginning.

 

Am I selfish?

Well.. can’t I be, just this once..?

 

Tears falling from the tips of my eyes to the floor in silence, mixed with the sound of the shower. My body had been trembling since ages ago when I let cold water pour down on myself, drenched all my clothes with me.

 

I walked towards the wash basin, wearily looking at myself in the mirror.

 

My dark circle widened.

Every second, every minute, I couldn’t get the name Jung Taekwoon out of my head, and it slowly killed me.

 

Absentmindedly, I opened the drawer under the basin, took out a razor blade that has been there almost forever.

 

Three.

 

I let the blade touch the skin under my arm.

 

Today, three is enough.

 

And then, blood came out of the three, long cuts I made.

It honestly felt refreshing.

Why?

Because the pain was new.

Amidst every other pain that I was experiencing, this pain was new.

 

I opened the tap and let water ran on the cuts I made. It really refreshed my mind, as I closed the tap, and covered the cuts with band-aids. I toss my wet clothes away, and wore a piece of towel to cover up and dry my body, as the loud knocking and yelling on the bathroom door grew extremely annoying.

 

I opened the bathroom door in an angered manner, pretending as if nothing happened, just to face three, worried-sick pale faces.

I frown, and walked past them.

I could really feel three intense stare at the back of my head.

 

“What, can’t anybody enjoy a long bath in peace..? Gosh, the people here,” I annoyedly muttered and shut my bedroom door loudly behind my back.

 

 

But then, I lean to the door and slid down, falling to the floor.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

LEO’S POV

 

 

That’s her.

Finally.

I saw her.

 

 

 

“Hakyeon-ah...”

“O-oh?”

 

I didn’t even know why, but I felt a light smile crept up on my lips.

It was not of happiness.

 

But it ignited my laughter.

It lit up fire inside me, after such a long time.

 

More like...

 

Obsession...?

 

An obsession to my Rose that had been buried all along...

 

 

 

“Y-ya, Taekwoonie, what’s wrong?” Hakyeon stuttered in confusion and fear, as I started chuckling and embraced his shoulder.

 

“I find her... and I will get her back...”

 

As we climb on to the stage, Hakyeon looked so worried.

 

 

 

 

 

“The number you wish to call is out of reach---“

“Tsk.”

Beep-Beep-Beep-

“You have reached the voicemail. Please leave a message—“

 

“Damn!”

 

She rejected my calls, ignored me. But I won’t give up.

Right after our last gig, I escaped Shinwoo-hyung, evaded five different yells from my teammates and reached the garage. I speed up as fast as I can in my car, not caring about anything else.

 

Every other vehicles driving around me was nothing more than glimpses of headlights. But I didn’t care about anything else. My ears rang, my eyes were focused on to only one target.

 

Rosie.

 

I’m going to have her back, no matter what.

 

 

 

 

 

The elevator worked too slow for me. My body couldn’t stand still. And finally when the digital monitor indicated the 11^th floor, I ran out of the elevator soon as the doors slid open. I still remember her place. I still remember the dorm number.

 

This would be the closest I’ll ever be with her in two months.

 

Chasing my breath, I rang the doorbell, and someone immediately answered through the prompter.

 

“Who is it?”

Lee Jihae showed up on the small monitor. I moved to the front of the door camera.

She didn’t say anything else, and the door was opened almost instantly.

 

Lee Jihae stood on the doorstep, blocking me from seeing the inside of her dorm. She stood still, looking straight into my eyes, as if challenging me to say anything that she could throw back at me.

 

I sighed, my impatience grew.

 

“Let me see her,” I said.

 

She didn’t budge.

 

“Please,” I begged.

 

Lee Jihae sighed.

“Fine... but... she has changed—“

“I know that.”

“NOT in a way that you think you know,” Jihae cut me sharp. “But, it’s you who asked to see her. To tip you off, she looks worst now off camera than on TV. Don’t be too shocked.”

 

I nodded.

I saw her anyway, about a week ago.

I knew she’d change, so much.

 

But it still thrilled me when I walked into the dorm behind Jihae.

 

Unlike the last time I went there, the atmosphere was very cold. Two of CALIGULA members sat in the living room quietly, either drinking coffee or awkwardly watched TV after greeting me, but nobody show interest or excitement when their close sunbae suddenly came. And I could only assume that something really had happened among them. I could smell a faint scent of cigarette, too, but I knew it didn’t came from any of them. It’s from the balcony outside.

 

So, she’s at the balcony.

 

“Here, sunbae. I leave the rest to you two,” Jihae opened the door to the balcony for me.

 

 

I stepped outside to the balcony, and at my far left near the edge, Rosie sat there, on top of a plastic chair with both legs folded up, a cigarette on her hand.

 

I stood there, only staring straight at her, without her staring back at me. She was staring emptily to the late night sky, with her hair hanging around her face messily, thin, and shorter than before, in a straight bob down to her jaw.

In a glimpse, she looked like how she normally does, as far as I could remember. But as I got closer, I could tell, obviously, she lost more weight than she should. The dark circle under her eyes got darker and deeper, her cheekbones portrude more than it normally was. Her legs and arms were only skin-covered-bones, and there were scars everywhere, mapped clearly on her paper-pale skin.

 

She was... ill.

She was obviously broken.

She...

She was not the Rosie I once knew.

 

I ruined her, to the point of beyond repair.

 

 

“Rosie—“

“What are you doing here..?” she asked, in a low, bass tone voice. Her voice was huskier than ever.

I gulped. All of the sudden I felt so nervous. I didn’t know what to say.

 

“I want to see you.”

 

Rosie scoffed, still not looking at me even once.

“Where were you two months ago.”

 

 

I couldn’t give any answer, and she fell back silent.

She didn’t give any response when I sat to a chair next to her. I still tried to get used to her talking to me without any honorifics now. But that’s a small matter compared to how cold the tone she used to talk to me just now.

I anxiously tried to figure out something decent to talk about.

Funny how things went. Two years ago, talking to her was the most comfortable thing to do. But now... every second spent waiting for her response made me felt like I was drowning, desperately waiting for her to talk. I was mentally exhausted.

So I gather all of my courage.

 

“I.. I didn’t know you still smoked.”

 

Again, Rosie scoffed.

“There’s so many things you don’t know about me, Jung Taekwoon.”

“Rosie, please.”

“If you just want to have a peptalk in the middle of the night because you’re bored, don’t go to me. Go home,” Rosie cut me sharply, in a cold tone. But still she didn’t even look at me, as she only tapped her cigarette to the ashtray and lighting up another.

 

I couldn’t stand it anymore.

 

I stood up, walked towards her, grabbed her hand and took her cigarette away.

 

“What the —hey!”

“You changed!” I yelled, finally. “You’re not the Rosie I once loved. I swear I honestly don’t know what’s gotten into you, Rose, you’re ruining yourself!”

 

Rosie’s body trembled. I thought she was going to cry, but she didn’t.

She stood up in front of me, slowly.

 

“What did you just say...?” she growled lowly, slowly raising her pupils to stare straight into mine.

“What’s wrong with you, really?! Don’t be so irresponsible like this, Rose, please! You changed too much for me to recognize you—Look... I’m so sorry for what happened, okay?!”

 

There, I said it. Shout it out loud.

 

I couldn’t see Rosie’s face. Her head was hung low, even though her body trembled. The hand that I held was put right on my chest.

 

I need her to understand.

 

 

“I’m so sorry, Rose, forgive me! I couldn’t do anything, it was an accident! But if I could, you know how much I loved you, loved us, loved our child that you bear! I would do anything that I could to save him! You knew it very well, Rosie! I... I don’t get what’s wrong with you now..”

 

I tried hard, so hard, to hold back tears that had burned its way into the tips of my eyes, all to make her understand.

 

But slowly, yet powerfully, Rosie’s hand pushed me back into the dorm’s living room, as shocked gasps of the members went on here and there.

 

“Rosie...”

“You asked, what’s wrong with me...?” Rosie silently whispered, in a ragged voice. “You guys have always asked what’s wrong with me these past weeks, huh...?”

 

She lift her face, and it was scrunched up in agony, pain, anger and sadness, it was bright red, tears flowing down on her cheeks and her hair were everywhere.

 

Rosie looked like she was burned alive.

 

“You abandon me, Jung Taekwoon... that’s what happened.”

 

 

After that one sentence, nobody dared to move, and I could only stare blankly at Rosie as those words she said had slapped me in my face.

 

“I.. didn’t..”

 

Rosie pulled her hand away from me, and she sobbed so hard that it looked so painful.

 

“YOU asked what’s wrong with me..? It’s YOU, JUNG TAEKWOON, that’s wrong with me!!! I WAITED DAY BY DAY FOR YOU TO SHOW UP AT THE HOSPITAL, as you were the ONLY ONE I could remember, and I didn’t even know why!!! I SCREAMED YOUR NAME when they did things to me at the asylum just to make me REMEMBER!!! You think one week in the asylum was easy, huh, isn’t it? IT WAS HELL TO ME, and YOU WERE THE ONE I WISHED TO BE THERE!!!”

Rosie screamed all her heart out, and her voice grew sore.

 

My hands were all cold. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t respond.

The truth of her words scared me more than anything ever had.

I didn’t even know half of the things she went through...

 

Rosie lunged at me, but her members held her body back. But I didn’t budge.

 

I was more than ready to get hit, slapped, clawed at, or even reported to the police.

As long as I could have her back.

 

“Unnie! Don’t!”

“Rosie-yah!!”

“JUNG TAEKWOON AND LEE JIHAE WERE THE TWO NAMES I COULD REMEMBER, and I have nobody else here... Did ANY OF YOU came? NO!! JUNG TAEKWOON who said he loved me? NOWHERE.”

 

My breathing went ragged as Rosie continued to scream, covered by her member’s plead for her to stay still.
 

I couldn’t face her.

I couldn’t face her pain. Her suffering.

All because of me.

 

 

All I knew was to love her.

Never that I knew... She was suffering so much, all alone.

 

How could I nag at her for smoking?

If it was the only way she could find solace?

 

Who am I, compared to her?

 

 

I have ruined her, completely.

 

 

 

I fell down to my knees, both my hands touched the floor. I couldn’t hold back my tears, as my body started trembling, and faint sobs came out of my throat.

As a man, I felt that I have failed.

 

How could I ask for her forgiveness?

 

 

“Forgive me... Rosie...”

 

I absentmindedly put my forehead to the floor right in front of Rosie’s feet.

 

“Sunbaenim!” Shocked gasps echoed everywhere.

 

 

I bowed to Rosie.

I have failed her, tainted her for the rest of her life, with nothing I could do to fix her.

 

Those words I said to her were real.

I love her. More than anything else.

I... don’t want to lose her.

 

 

I raised my body, moved on my knees and hugged both of Rosie’s legs, resting my head on her knees. I shut my eyes, not caring about anything else.

 

“Forgive me... Do anything you want to me... I love you... Please forgive me...”

 

 

 

Those words escaped my lips as my face scrunch up in pain.

 

 

 

My father once said, a man should never kneel, unless it was to tie his daughter’s shoe laces. Should he kneel outside for that... he failed as a man.

 

I know I have failed as a man..

 

..but I still don’t want to fail as someone who loves Rosie.

 

 

It was the only thought I had, because I was already blinded by fear that Rosie’s going to tell me to get out of her life forever.

 

 

 

Until a gentle hand touched my face.

 

 

 

 

“Go home...” a ragged voice whispered.

 

 

“Rewind everything... and I’ll forgive you...”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

OKAY LEMME GET SOME DECENT SLEEP. I GOT A TRIAL ON MY THESIS NEXT WEEK, MAY GOD BLESS US ALL.

TAEKWOONIE I'M SO SORRY I MADE YOU CRY AGAIN!!!! OMG I'M SUCH A SINFUL AUTHOR.

 

Oh, btw, nearing the end, there will be so many sweet treats. be patient and please keep on with my story XD\\

 

Comment and subscribe away!~~~