ROSIE’s POV

 

 

 

“Where have you been anyway, unnie?” Gain asked, as I came out of my bedroom.

 

I had just arrived at the dorm and finished taking a bath when I saw my members gathering on the floor in the living room. They ordered pizza, for the second time this week. Then I just remembered that this was Seoul, the city that never sleep, so it’s quite normal for people to have pizza at 3 AM.

 

“I just had dinner with P.O oppa and practiced at Block B’s studio for the duet,” I easily lied, squatted next to Eunhee. I stole a piece of nugget, then I stood up and walked away.

“Unnie, you’re not gonna eat this?! I’ll eat yours!” Eunhee asked.

 

I kept on walking towards the balcony door, only waving my hand. I don’t feel like eating anything anymore. I opened the door to the balcony, and went out.

 

The air was cold, in fact, freezing. Yet I only wore a white, long sleeved t-shirt and a short, grey hotpants, my usual sleeping attire. I stood facing the river, staring blankly as the pristine line of water flow peacefully, several meters under me. The night was beautiful, as it was on a full moon.

 

One thing that I liked the most about our dorm was that it has a balcony, a private one facing a river in an uninhabited complex. I sat on the balcony chair, placing an ashtray on the glass table, and lit a cigarette. My mind directly went blank, as I inhaled the smoke, warming my lungs, my insides. I fold my legs and hug my knees, placing my face on top of it.

 

 

How’s Taekwoon doing?

Did he miss me at all?

Why did he not even try to call me, not even once?

Did he really hate me?

 

 

Suddenly, the door to the balcony was opened, and Gain came in, even though she hesitated a little.

“Unnie, can I come?” she asked.

 

I nodded quickly, while wiping away my tears. As I continued smoking in silence, Gain sat on a chair next to me, looking at me, with a certain worried-yet-scared look.

I felt sorry for my maknae. I knew she worried about me. She’s a type A, and she cared for the members, even though she usually didn’t know how to sound her thoughts because she was the youngest between us, even five years younger than me.

 

I chuckled, while tapping my cigarette to the ashtray to remove the burnt edge.

“It’s okay, Gainnie, what are you thinking?”

“Unnie... I know everything about you and Leo-oppa, and also Wonshik-oppa. But don’t worry, I never talk to anyone,” she said, looking scared.

This didn’t surprise me. “How?” I asked calmly.

“I just... see it,” Gain said. “I knew it ever since our debut stage, where we won, when Leo-oppa was in our changing room. I knew he cared for you so much, because during four years of my training in Jellyfish, I never saw him being like that to anyone, aside from VIXX members. And Ravi-oppa always contacted you, right? I saw your phone once and he miss-called you.”

I smile, and exhaled a long trail of warm smoke. “You’re really clever, catnip. Unnie didn’t even realize that you knew.”

“Unnie, if you don’t mind me asking.... Who do you like more..?” Gain asked, hesitatedly.

 

 

I knew that someday my members would ask about this.

 

 

“Or.. maybe my question is wrong..? Who do you love more?”

 

I stood up from my seat, feeling my tears escaped its prison, and found a way to fall down my cheeks. I kneeled in front of Gain, with my cigarette still burning. I looked into her worried eyes, forcing a smile.

“Unnie..? You don’t need to answer if.. you can’t. I shouldn’t ask--”

 

I shook my head, yet tears came out more and more as I held them back.

 

 

“I love Jung Taekwoon, Gain-ah. I love him so much. I love... Leo.”

 

 

I hugged Gain’s waist, burying my face in her sweter, as she softly my hair, failed to find anything to say.

 

“Unnie... things will work out... Love will find a way.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

JIHAE’S POV

 

 

 

 

 

“Rose, please. Just one bite. You haven’t eat all day,” I pleaded.

 

Rose only shook her head while smiling. She kept herself busy doing sit ups, and I was there, sitting next to her holding a bowl of rice with fried eggs on top of it, worried like hell. I have to take extreme method to deal with this broken-hearted horse. I put the food aside, held both her shoulders and pinned her down to the floor. She grunted.

 

“Hey, what the—“

 

“SONG JI HWA!” I shouted. Finally, it got to her. People rarely call her by her real name, so whenever I’m angry at her, using her real name usually does the trick.

 

Rosie frozed.

 

“You better not make me go halfway crazy anymore. Listen to me. All these three weeks, you don’t eat, you only smoke, you don’t sleep, yet you push yourself like crazy! How sad are you actually behind those fake smiles, huh?! Do you want to kill yourself slowly? You are not the strong Rosie that I once knew anymore. All these love problems got your brain even dumber!”

 

There, I spit everything out. Rosie’s body slowly weaken, and the tomboy didn’t even look at my face.

 

I said the truth. I’m crazy worried about her. She had never acted like this before, even on her diet days. Every night when I went pass her bedroom, even at 4 AM, I would hear her cry. She stopped eating at some point, and she only drink banana milk like a baby, yet smoking one pack of cigarette a day like a goddamn train! She danced and practiced and danced from 5 PM until 3 AM in the morning. She even fell from the stairs in our dorm once. How the am I supposed to not be worried about her? Thank God her immune system was strong that she never pass out on stage.

 

I let out a long sigh as Rosie reached out to me, then she finally hugged me.

 

“Jihae…”

“Mhm?”

“I’m tired…”

 

 

 

 

 

 

ROSIE’S POV

 

 

I never really count, but I’m quite sure that it has been almost a little bit over one month since the last time I went out with Leo. I never heard from him again after that night. I never saw him in the Jelly building. But I don’t blame him. Keeping a distance like this made me felt better and easier somehow. At least I don’t have to miss him like crazy and I could put up my strong mask longer.

 

 

But I have to be honest, I’m tired of missing him.

 

 

Right on that night after Jihae found me in the elevator, I had told her that something happened between me and Leo. But I kept it really short to avoid suspicions. She seems to finally understand the reason behind him always having time to come to our place and dragging me away from them. So I just told her that things between me and him didn’t work and I begged her not to tell anyone. She nodded.

 

“It’s a natural thing for human being to fell in love, and also to experience heartbreak. But don’t get carried away in it, Rose, please..”

 

Yeah, way too natural, until I saw no way to escape from my feelings for Leo.

 

This morning, me, Eunhee, Jihae and Gain are chilling out in this cute pastry shop near Jelly building. We bought lots of bubble tea, Danish, cakes, donuts and other sweets to celebrate our ‘Best KPOP Female Rookie’ based on a poll on Mnet which we earned two nights ago. Now, it’s a day off given as a privilege by our CEO and we happily went to celebrate, promising CEO Hwang that we will do better in our next comeback. I remember him laughed a lot and Eunhee hugged him.

 

“Rombotter!” Gain shouted happily while taking a piece of bread and eating it happily like a puppy. I laughed. Jihae knocked Gain’s head softly. Eunhee suddenly lean on to me.

“Rose-unnie, feed me.”

I hummed, then feed her a small donut. While chewing, Eunhee clung onto my left arm and staring blankly as I chew down a whole pancake.

“It’s nice to finally see you smiling and eating again, unnie,” Eunhee suddenly said.

Me and Jihae secretly exchanged looks. Eunhee is really sharp at figuring hidden things. I should be more careful near her, even though she’s not someone who likes to trash talk about others.

“Wh-what? I eat normally,” I answered hard while chewing my pancake.

Eunhee raised an eyebrow, but then shrug it off and went away to the counter to order another milk tea.

Me and Jihae looked at each other and exchange words silently. She knew what I’m thinking, I knew what she was thinking. I tried to change the stream of conversation.

“What time is it now?” I asked.

“Nine,” Gain said.

I yawned.

 

Suddenly the door to the café opened. I averted my eyes to the door. It was our manager oppa. He came rushed to our table. He looked so tired until I felt bad for him. Eunhee ran back to our table soon as she realized that our manager came.

“Yah, guys. Thank God you’re all in one place. There’s a change of plan for today.”

Gain grunts. “Whaaaa..?”

“Yeah, I’m so sorry to ruin your holiday, but all of a sudden, Mnet open studio wants an interview with you. I just got a call from them two hours ago and the CEO approved.”

“Huh?” I realized the said show was led by Moon Heejun.

“And one other thing… this is a joint interview,” he said.

Jihae shot a questioning look. “Well, who is the other party?”

“Apparently it’s VIXX,” our manager finally said, while he seated himself among us and took a sip of my latte. “Wow, this is delicious. Is it matcha latte?”

 

 

I could feel an ice block ran down to my stomach, and my latte went back up from my stomach to my throat. Fear crawled my hands. I’m pretty sure Jihae saw it in my eyes.

 

 

What should I do?

 

 

“Oh, great, so Hongbin oppa is coming,” Gain chirped. Eunhee high fived her, their eyes sparkled with excitement. They were both close to Hongbin.

But manager oppa didn’t look at the maknae line, he noticed the sudden change of aura in the unnie line, me and Jihae.

“Er… is there any problem?” he asked, confused.

“No, no. It’s okay. So when will we need to start preparing?” asked Jihae while smiling.

“Let’s see…” our manager took his iPad out and checked our schedule. “You better get ready in two hours. Now it’s 9 AM.. at 10, we’ll go to the salon for your make-up, and we will have to be at the studio at twelve. Me and Go Shinwoo manager-nim already made an appointment and the stylist wanted you to wear black-and-white dress code. VIXX would apply to the dresscode too. As you can see, it’s a Jellyfish Special. It’s not so tight but best to be early than late, so get packed up, girls, I’ll see you later,” said the manager oppa. All four of us nodded.

We gave our bows, then he ran out of the café.

 

I felt like my heart is going to explode. I stood up, put some money on the table, then I left the rest of the group.

 

“Ya, YA, unnie, where are you going?” shout Eunhee. I didn’t respond. I just waved my hand and exit the café.

 

I walk past a couple of blocks towards the Jelly building, thinking that there will be no need for me to go back to the dorm first because I already got everything that I need in my sling bag now. I could sense a small crowd pointing their fingers at me and noticed who I am, so I pulled my beanie lower and smiled to them.

 

 

Why the hell must it be them? Why a joint interview? What the hell is going on?

I pulled my phone out, right on time when it rang. The caller’s name flashed on the monitor. It’s Ravi.

I picked the phone call nervously.

 

“Good morning, oppa.”

“Hi Rose. Do you know about the joint interview already?” Ravi talked in a warm tone, as usual.

“Yeah, oppa. I think it’s going to be fun.”

 

I continued to walk across the street, crossed the road and went into Jelly building, heading straight into the toilet in a fast pace.

 

“You’re.. coming, right?” he suddenly asked. I frown.

“Of-of course. Why wouldn’t I?” I gave out a nervous chuckle while locking the toilet door.

“Oh, no, nothing, it’s just that after the interview, we’re both free right? I want to be with you.”

I fell silent for a moment, as I tried to calm down.

“Umm.. maybe, we’ll see?” I answered, not hinting any clear answer to his offer.

“Okay then, see you later,” said Ravi.

“Bye oppa,” I said. Then he hang up.

 

I inhaled a deep breath as my body fell to the floor of the restroom. The painful nudges on my lower stomach grew even more disturbing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

JIHAE’S POV

 

 

 

We were already sitting around a table in the waiting room when someone knocked on the door and the door went open. All of us jolted awake and bowed while offering loud greeting as VIXX stood there before us. Even though they are sunbaenims that are close to us, formalities still can’t be gone. I saw all VIXX members bowing back, only Ravi hasn’t come. Then I averted my gaze to Rosie, who had been especially silent throughout the whole day. Rosie sat alone in a two-seated couch at the corner, busy with her own mind, listening to music with her eyes shut close.

I can’t help it when my eyes travel at her, examining her expression. Well, she was exceptionally pretty, I admit, and today she dressed well. But through her silver hair I could saw her nervous yet bitter expression.

I feel bad for her. Then I took a glimpse at Leo oppa, wondering if there is anything that could hint why Rosie is acting that way.

I was correct.

 

During the first ten minutes of our wait together, Leo didn’t even bother to take his eyes off Rosie, who didn’t seem to realize. Leo just stared at her from across the room in silence. But then I accidentally noticed Hakyeon oppa looking at both Leo and Rosie with a complicated expression. Something of... guilt and sadness.

 

So.. Hakyeon oppa knows about them as well.

 

I sighed, and munched on the mangoes provided by the staff on a plate on the table, aside of many other cakes and bottled water. Suddenly, the door went open and the other girls, except for me and Rosie who stiffened in surprise, gave out a loud greeting. Ravi just arrived. He smiled and bowed back to us.

Oh, and I had to say that Ravi looked especially very handsome today. He dyed his hair back to his usual silver, so that’s the same with Rosie’s hair color. He wore a cool-looking hat, black leather pants and red-and-black shirt.

 

 Surprisingly, he threw himself happily in a seat next to Rosie, then put his arm around Rosie’s shoulder.

 

I immediately searched for Leo, and somehow Leo’s reaction met my expectation. His expression hardened. Even in his silence, Leo still stared at Rosie and Ravi (who exchanged warm conversation and Rosie fed him some mangoes), his eyes were sharper than ever. I saw his fist become pale white on his knees, until N poked his shoulder and gave him a bottle of water.

 

Soon after that, a staff went into our waiting room and ushered us out to the open studio. I walked in while holding Rosie’s hand. Then we all bowed, and took a seat. There were ten seats, five seats in two rows. I sat on the edge of the row, and on my left were Rosie, Ravi-oppa, Hyukkie and Ken. In front of me were Gain, Eunhee, Hongbinnie and Hakyeon-oppa.

 

Weirdly, Leo-oppa sat on the farthest corner away from Rosie.

 

The position was quite dangerous, but I assumed, by taking the last glimpse, that Leo and Rosie could take things lightly and focused on their job. There are also quite a lot of fans outside and the crowd slowly getting bigger.

 

Then when Moon Heejun and his female partner, Kang Yebin went in, we all greeted loudly, bowed, then took a seat again.

 

The opening was quite dry. I had to explain our album concept and the image we’re trying to portray, so did N explaining their album concept and Hongbin explained their image. The chit chats on technical stuff like that went on for about 40 minutes, as I checked at the studio clock. Everyone laughed at the jokes given by Heejun, but by everyone of course I excluded Leo, and, in this particular moment, Rosie. Both looked weird. They only smiled formally. I held Rosie’s hand softly, meaning to tell her to focus. She seems to understand, and she smile brighter and nodded to me.

Another round of nothings passed, and we were asked to dance a little bit to our song, so does VIXX. And then Heejun asked Rosie if it was true that she was VIXX’s cover dancer before debut.

 

I was glad that Rosie laughed sweetly and she said yes, and laughed hard when the MCs showed a huge printed-out picture of her when she was covering VIXX, in a full costume, which I assume was Ready to Get Hurt costume. They also showed another video where Rosie’s cover dance group danced to VIXX’s G.r.8.U, apparently using a funny mixed concept with Rock Ur Body, where she wiggled her body.

 

The whole studio broke down in laughter.

“Yaa, Rosie-ssi really looked like a boy there!”

“She looked handsome, don’t you think?”

 

She even danced to VIXX’s old G.R.8.U and On and On perfectly, until Hyuk, Ravi, Hongbin, Ken and N came out and accompanied her. They ended up high fived each other and sat again. And yes, she was covering Leo-oppa’s part. But I didn’t even want to avert my eyes from them to see how Leo reacted, as it was really too funny, especially when Rosie worked with Hyuk, N and Hongbin to do the Voodoo choreography where they lift Ken.

 

It was quite a peaceful interview until the dreaded question popped up.

 

“So, a question which being asked by fans the most: mention each of your favorite member from each group. It’s okay, right? Right? Well, ladies first! Let’s start from… Gain! Who is your favorite member of VIXX?”

“Hongbin oppa!” Gain chirped. I could see the members laughed. Yeah, they both were close.

“Eunhee-ssi?”

“Umm… Ken-oppa!”

Ken actually went down from his seat then high fived Eunhee.

“Jihae-ssi!” .

“Um.. for me, it’s Hakyeon oppa,” I said, pointing at N while smiling. N funnily did his infamous victory dance, and went to shake both my hands. The whole studio giggled.

“And then… Rosie-ssi! Ah, our pretty tomboy! I’m really really curious as for who she would pick!”

Rosie first looked really, really shy, trying to cover her blushing cheeks with her hands. Eunhee and Gain and pulled her hands off her face.

“I—I… okay… Um…” Rosie stuttered.

I know her shyness was real. Rosie has never been good at these stuffs.

“Well?” asked Heejun.

“For me, it’s Leo-sunbaenim,” Rosie finally said.

I gasped.

 

 

Goddamn it Rose. He hurt you! Why the hell did you mention him?

 

 

I forced myself, pretending to laugh with the other members while Eunhee, Gain, Sanghyuk and Hongbin clapped, and poked Leo’s sides. Leo did seem to be quite shocked, as he hung his head down slowly with no expression. Well, anyone knows it’s in his nature to be blank. But you should see Ravi’s expression.

 

It was purely sour and bitter. But he seem to realized and laughed with the others. And Hakyeon knows. Hakyeon also seemed to be surprised. But the commoners would easily mistook it as him being shock that someone actually liked Leo.

 

I secretly sighed. Then it was VIXX members who were getting asked.

 

As usual, Hongbin mentioned he liked Gain because his sister is Gain’s best friend at school. Ken picked Eunhee and me, of course because I was his ex-classmate at junior high. Hakyeon choose Gain too, after debating if it should be me or Gain. Hyuk chose Rosie because they both liked anime and because he knew Rosie was a cosplayer before debut. Sanghyuk and Rosie did the signature high-five of Baymax from the movie Big Hero 6 and exchanged a silly ‘ba-la-la-la’, made everyone laugh.

“So, Leo-ssi, which one of the girls do you like the most?”

Leo hesitated a little as the others poked on his sides teasing him, but then he answered, “I like them all equally. They are nice dongsaengs.”

 

I can’t even hold back rolling my eyeballs.

 

 

The ’s with your answer, bruh -_-

 

 

All of us booed, and Heejun said his answer is not valid as he has to choose one. I could sense Rosie being tense next to me, but she averted her gaze to the fans outside than to Leo, acting to not care, as usual. While Leo seems to be very embarrassed, but then he finally answered.

“Alright then…. For me it’s Lee Jihae-ssi,” Leo said while looking at his knees.

 

 

WHAT THE ? I almost screamed.

 

 

The studio gasped and anticipated on Rosie’s reaction rather than mine, because she first picked Leo. But I feel so angry, it’s hard to contain. I suddenly feel Rosie holding my hands down under our thighs to hide it from the camera. But the way she held my hand was very soft. She only looked calm while looking far outside of the glass studio.

I only acted to be embarrassed and smiled along the way, until Heejun moved on to Ravi.

“So, Ravi ssi!”

“Ne!” Ravi answered quickly like a soldier. This makes VIXX laugh.

“Who is your favorite member?”

“Rosie-ssi!” he answered so fast in a serious manner, it made everyone laughed.

 

Rosie, gasped in disbelief, slowly turning her head towards Ravi. Ravi gently smiled to her.

But even I could sense his sincere feeling when he answered to it. Suddenly, Rose let my hands go, and stared blankly to Ravi. Ravi looked back at Rosie with a warm smile, and pat her left knee softly like he was going to say ‘it’s okay’.

“Ah, and maybe that’s why today the rapper-couple of Jellyfish dyed their hair in the same silver platinum color?”

“Oh no, it’s for our concept actually..”

 

 

Minutes passed, as our interview reached the end. Then we all bowed saying thank you, to the fans outside the studio (which we could see through the huge glass windows) and also to the MCs. After that, we also bowed to the staffs, then made our way out of the studio.

 

I sighed, then I helped Rosie, who was shaking, to remove her microphones and gave it back to the staffs.

“Hey, you okay? You look pale,” I said worriedly. Rosie shook her head while smiling.

“I’m okay. I’m just glad it’s over.”

I frowned.

 

 

Don’t pretend to be calm like you always do, Rose. Goddamn it.

 

 

Then our conversation was cut by our manager oppa coming into the room.

“Good job, everyone, I got good news,” he said.

“What is it?” asked Eunhee.

“Well, since tomorrow’s Sunday, the CEO let you have extra day off.”

Then there were four different yays.

“Make sure you use it to rest to the fullest, okay?” said our manager. I smiled.

“Thanks, oppa, we will.”

 

After saying that he will wait for us in the car, we walked out of the room. It was quite peaceful as the members had become tired. I only noticed Rosie being tense all the time, like she was scared of something. But then I know what she was frightened about.

Gain and Eunhee already had permission to go straight out to the mall since it was still noon and they want to shop on their own. So I was left with Rosie alone. We talked in a hushed tone about what just happened before at the open studio, then I boarded on the van. Rosie was just about to climb up into the van when someone grabbed her by her elbow, earned him a hurtful shriek from Rosie.

“Ukh!”

The man grabbed Rosie and turned her body towards him. I gasped.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ROSIE’S POV

 

 

 

“Seriously, Jihae, you don’t have to worry about anything. I’m okay.”

“But I hardly saw you eat anything if you’re alone.”

I laughed at this. She was totally worried. “Maybe your timing was bad.”

 

I check my reflection for a moment on a body-length mirror near the elevator in the basement. Look’s quite nice. After all these time, my hair had grew longer it reached my shoulder. At least I look very, very thin and lean in a piece of black high-waisted single slit skirt, boots and a white top. I wore a black beanie to cover my now neck-long platinum hair with black ombre.

 

Not as prettily dressed like my other members, but at least I love to look very thin, it took my mind off things a little. After fixing my fringe, Jihae held my hand and we walked towards the van.

 

The driver wasn’t there yet, but Jihae had the keys and opened the van. She boarded first. But as I tried to hop on the van, someone pulled my elbow so hard that I grunt in pain and went back.

 

I almost fell on my if the one who pulled me didn’t hold both of my upper arms. He did, but it was too painful. I opened my eyes, then I saw who pulled me.

 

 

It was Leo. Again.

 

 

I could only stand there, as he stare down at me, directly to my eyes. He seemed devastated. He seemed pale. I could somewhat heard Jihae shrieked from inside the van, while I was unable to do anything.

 

Just like always, I felt that I slowly became weaker in Leo’s gaze. In his hands.

 

 

“Talk to me,” he said.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” I answered, coldly.

 

“Then listen to me.”

 

 

I didn’t reply. I frowned. Then the grip Leo gave on my upper arms became softer and less painful. I was waiting for him to say anything, but he just didn’t. Instead, he softly brought my head to his chest, pulling my body to him.

 

I could feel that his body was burning up. He has a fever. He was trembling. But I didn’t have any power to even talk as Leo caged me in my safety hideout again, right here, in his arms.

 

The familiar warmth and weight. Familiar lingering scent of fresh coffee latte and Versace cologne. Quiet pulls of breath. His wide body frame. This is my safe heaven.

 

I could feel him resting his face on top of my head. I heard his heart beat so fast, in contrast of mine beating slower and slower.

 

“Listen to me. Can’t you tell that… it’s too hard for me..? ” Leo whispered.

 

I can’t even reply. After months not seeing him, talking to him, touching him, I was drunk by his warmth, his scent, his touch, everything.

 

I tried so hard refusing this feeling, that had started to burn its way back into my heart. But...

 

Leo is my ultimate weakness. I’m weak in his presence. I slowly shut my eyes, and my hands naturally moved and grabbing his back. I finally nodded.

 

“I know,” I whispered weakly.

“Please forgive me, Rose..” he whispered to me.

I nodded. “I forgive you..”

 

We stood in that position, not caring about anything else in the world, not even when VIXX members came, not when shocked gasps was heard. I could hear Sanghyuk’s omo, Hongbin stuttering Leo’s name, Jaehwan’s silent gasp and Hakyeon’s sigh.

 

I’m scared to think about Ravi.

Ravi, who stood up for me and my pride just now on the open studio, Ravi who cheered me up when I was devastated.

 

 

But... I love this man. The man who always managed to made me felt weak, yet so warm, just because of his presence next to me. This man, who always keep everything to himself and suffer alone in silence.

The lion who kept whispering ‘I’m sorry’.

 

Suddenly, Leo’s body feels heavier, heavier, and heavier, and I realized that he had lost his consciousness. A sudden fear starts to grip my heart.

 

“Sunbaenim!” I shrieked.

 

Leo fainted. I couldn’t stand holding him, he was very heavy until I fell on the floor kneeling. I was panicked and everyone went frantic. All of VIXX members crowded around us, and I saw that Ravi was nowhere to be seen.

“Leo-hyung!!”

“Taekwoon-ah! Oh, God..”

“Cradle his head! Get him to the van!”

 

Along with Hakyeon and Sanghyuk, I brought Leo’s weak and unconscious body into the van. Jihae, who had already called our driver in panic, lowered the backseat for Leo’s body to lie down, since his body was too big. Soon enough, another black van arrived near ours, and we realized that it was VIXX’s van. My driver told VIXX’s driver about Leo’s condition and decided that we should go first. Hakyeon boarded into my van and the rest of VIXX member were told to stay at Jelly building in case something happen, then the driver quickly drove away from the basement, out to the main road and rushed to a nearby hospital.

 

Leo’s body lied weakly on the back seat. I kneeled next to him, holding his hand tight. I didn’t know he was sick. I thought he was just okay earlier.

“Wake up, please.. wake up...” those words escaped my mouth.

 

Then I felt someone grabbed my shoulder. When I turned my head around, Hakyeon was holding my shoulder.

“It’s okay, he’ll be fine. He’s strong. And… he loves you..  too much,” Hakyeon said.

My lips parted.

“He…?”

Hakyeon nodded, then sighed.

 

“The night when you two gone home late, he fell kneeling on our doorstep. I happened to be there. He was.. destroyed. I thought he was drunk, but he wasn’t. He never touched much alcohol all his life anyway. And when I asked him, he said that he somehow had damaged you. He loves you. He only didn’t know what to do for you. He felt like he was using you. It destroyed him,” Hakyeon said.

Jihae gasped. “Is it.. true?”

Hakyeon nodded.

 

“Right after that, he told me everything that has happened between both of you. He then decided to control himself and restricted himself to see you or even to touch you because he was afraid of hurting you, even more because of the CEO’s warning. Every night, during that particular month, I could hear him play the piano in his room while crying. Gummy’s Day and Night was your audition song, right, Rose? He told me once that it was your favorite song. He continuously played it. Then… he stopped eating. He became even colder that before. After practices, he would leave first without saying anything, and lock himself up in his room. He had asked me on what should he do, but I couldn’t say anything because I honestly don’t know what to say.”

 

 

I couldn’t even say anything. My head hung low, I could only stare at my knees.

 

“During the past month, you guys know that VIXX were busy shooting One Fine Day, and also preparing for our tour in Chicago, right? At the backstage, Taekwoon played the piano and sang Taeyang sunbaenim’s Eyes, Nose, Lips right before practice. Right after that, he fumbled alone with his phone in the corner. When I checked, he was typing a long e-mail, and the recipient was your e-mail address. I don’t know if he sent it to you or not,” he continued.

 

I shook my head. “I... I never heard anything from him.”

 

Hakyeon sighed.

 

“So.. he never sent it, huh... He told me that you were the one who first sang Eyes, Nose, Lips to him. And that the song never made it out of his mind whenever he’s abroad.”

I turn my face to see Taekwoon’s sleeping face, pearl-white pale, with his hair turned messy.

 

“Taekwoon fell sick during our third morning of shooting in Jeju-do,” Hakyeon said. “Fever, headache,  and that his joints hurt. And he kept on saying he wanted to go back to Seoul, to his apartment, having kimchi jjigae and ppajeon. I asked him if we should buy some, but he said he only wanted the one which always came in package with robusta coffee and cheese omelette. I don’t really understand this, but—“

“That... that package was the breakfast that I always made for him whenever I came to his place,” I said, unconsciously, as if those words just flow along unplanned. “And when he’s sick, he usually only wanted to have sundubu jjigae.”

 

 

Hakyeon looked at me with a surprised face, and fell silent. For the first time in his life, I guess, he didn’t know what to say.

 

 

Minutes after that, we finally arrived at the hospital.

Taekwoon was rushed into the ER, as we were being told to wait. Minutes passed by, until we were finally allowed to see him.

 

I sat next to Taekwoon’s bed, and Hakyeon stood with Jihae at the bed’s edge. I couldn’t help looking at Taekwoon’s unconscious face. His sleeping face was something I’ve always adore, that I never wanted to fall asleep first when I sleep with him, just because I wanted to watch him sleeping.

 

Even under the dim lights of the hospital room, his face was so perfectly pale and soft. His features softened, and his lips were a little bit parted. There was a slight frown between his eyebrows. I raised my hand, and touch the frown slowly, while caressing his hair away from his face. His body was definitely burning.

 

 

“I know you loved him,” Hakyeon suddenly said.

 

I didn’t even want to face him.

 

“Rose, please. I know you loved him so much. You know he loved you. So... stop all of this I-could-live-without-you show and just accept him back,” Hakyeon said in a tired tone. “Don’t lie to yourself...”

 

I bit my lips, at the last sight I took of Taekwoon’s pale, unconscious, beautiful face.

“No.”

“Wh-what?”

“I said, no,” I abruptly answered, despite my shaky voice. I stood up.

 

Hakyeon and Jihae looked at me like I’m some kind of a strange creature.

 

“I’m sorry, Hakyeon sunbaenim, but I don’t think I would be able to stand being with Taekwoon sunbaenim anymore,” I said, using all of my strength to carry on.

“But... why?”

“I had caused so much trouble to Taekwoon sunbaenim. I have burdened him too much. I know that he won’t be able to love me back,  so I made up my mind. My time with him is over,” I said, “and I’m not going to ruin him anymore.”

 

Hakyeon and Jihae fell silent, both appeared to be shocked, mouth agape in disbelief.

 

“Hakyeon sunbaenim, you’ve never said anything about Wonshik oppa, right? About the fact that he liked me first?” I asked him, in a challenging tone. Hakyeon didn’t answer, his expression looked shocked and sad. I continued confronting him.

“Hakyeon sunbaenim always stood up for Taekwoon sunbaenim and his feelings, without even caring about Wonshik oppa’s feelings, which had came earlier than Taekwoon sunbaenim’s. I knew,” I added. “That’s what I have been regretting about. I hurt Wonshik – oppa’s feelings too. I feel so guilty.. like I’m a traitor and a bum who ruined both of their lives.”

 

Hakyeon’s head hung low, he just stood there silently, staring at the floor, as Jihae looked at him in a worried expression.

 

There, I said everything. I have made up my mind.

 

 

 

Even though I had promised Taekwoon that one day, I will be engaged to him...

That day is not going to come anytime soon.

I will not break it. But... it will not be fulfilled anytime soon.

 

 

 

“Thank you, sunbaenim, for your caring thoughts. You’re really kind.”

I picked my hand bag from the bedside table, and started to walk out of the room without looking back at Taekwoon.

“Jihae, I’m going to go home. You coming?” I asked, coldly.

 Jihae nodded.

“I’m so sorry, oppa,” she said, and bowed to Hakyeon, then she left the room first.

 

I took my last glance at Hakyeon, then finally bowed deeply to him.

“I’m very sorry, sunbaenim,” I said, then rushing out of the room.

 

 

Right at the hospital’s parking lot, I took my phone out as Jihae phoned our road manager. I dialed a number.

 

For the first time ever since I knew him, he’s not picking up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HAKYEON’s POV

 

 

 

“Rose, please. I know you loved him so much. You know he loved you. So... stop all of this I-could-live-without-you show and just accept him back. Don’t lie to yourself...”

“No.”

“Wh-what?”

“I said, no. I’m sorry, Hakyeon sunbaenim, but I don’t think I would be able to stand being with Taekwoon sunbaenim anymore.”

“But... why?”

“I had caused so much trouble to Taekwoon sunbaenim. I have burdened him too much. I know that he won’t be able to love me back,  so I made up my mind. My time with him is over, and I’m not going to ruin him anymore.”

 “Hakyeon sunbaenim, you’ve never said anything about Wonshik oppa, right? About the fact that he liked me first?

Hakyeon sunbaenim always stood up for Taekwoon sunbaenim and his feelings, without even caring about Wonshik oppa’s feelings, which had came earlier than Taekwoon sunbaenim’s. I knew. That’s what I have been regretting about. I hurt Wonshik – oppa’s feelings too. I feel so guilty.. like I’m a traitor and a bum who ruined both of their lives.”

 

 

I could only stood in silence as Rosie left the room. After a moment, I sat next to Taekwoon’s bed, still unable to say or think about anything.

 

I knew she had lied.

 

I knew she tried hard to lie.

 

It was not for Wonshik at all. It was out of her guilty feelings. Her decision to let her feeling took over had took a toll on the fate of my two members, and she felt guilty for that.

Then a sudden wave of guilt hit me. I knew Wonshik had loved her first. I should have prohibit Taekwoon from going further with her. I should have tried, but I didn’t, because I didn’t know what to do, or what to say. Plus, I made Rosie into a bad person because she seemed as if she broke two people’s hearts.

 

“I defend Taekwoon more... because love has never came to him easily.. Rose, you were his first love..”

 

But those words fell useless, as Rosie had already left.

 

I felt so useless, and felt even worse when finally, Taekwoon opened his eyes.

 

 

“Taekwoon-ah!” I held his hand, sighed gladly.

But Taekwoon pulled his hand off mine, looking away.

 

 

Could he be hearing everything Rosie just said?

 

 

 

I gather all my courage to ask him.

 

 

“Taekwoon-ah.. did you hear...?”

 

 

Taekwoon just nodded as he covered his eyes with his hands.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'M. LOSING. IDEAS.

LEMME JUST HIDE UNDER MY TABLE OF EMBARRASSMENT.