ROSIE’s POV

 

 

 

 

 

 

“The number you wish to call is not answering.”

“Please!!”

 

I threw my phone to the seat next to me. The frustration and fear built itself up in me, as I hung my head low, grabbing it with both my hands. I tried hard to hold back my tears, although I could feel Jihae’s stare from across the seat.

The van moved so slowly amidst the traffic jams and the rain. Jihae didn’t seem to have the courage enough to talk to me, so I’m not going to force her helping me. I’ve already called Wonshik’s number for about 20 times in the last one hour, but he never picked up. He couldn’t have any schedule, because he asked me out just before the interview started.

 

Panic, fear and anger grew even worse in me, as I couldn’t do anything but to sit here and wait.

 

I knew I had betrayed Wonshik. I knew he must have seen what happened between me and Taekwoon before in the basement.

 

 

But then, a sudden thought came up.

“Oppa, do you have Go Shinwoo manager’s number?” I suddenly asked my road manager.

“Oh? Err.. yeah, I think so. Here, go look for it,” he confusedly gave his phone to me. I took it in a rush, and I found it. I quickly took my phone to dial it. My hands are all shaking.

“Why would you need it anyway?” asked my road manager. “He must be busy taking care of VIXX now—“

“H-hello? Go Shinwoo manager-nim?” I abruptly said with a shaken voice as he picked up.

“Ya, Pilseung-ah —huh, a girl? Who is this? Isn’t this Jang Pilseung’s number?”

“Shinwoo oppa, this is Rosie Song from CALIGULA.”

“Ooh, yes, Rose! You use your manager’s phone, huh. What—“

“Oppa, do you know where Ravi oppa is right now??” I asked, without waiting for him to finish his sentence.

“Um.. Wonshik is free today. He said he was going to go to his old apartment,” he said.

“And where is that?” I asked in panic.

“It’s near an intersection, in Seongmoo City, Yeonjoo Apartment. The apartment had graffities on its walls. It’s easy to spot, the walls are red bricks. It stood out. Just go to the fourth floor, look for room number 4012.”

 

 

I sighed in relieve. That place was near.

 

 

“Thank you!”

“But why—“

I cut off the call, then returned the road manager’s phone.

“Thank you, oppa. I have somewhere to go, I’ll be back tonight.”

“But where are you going?!” he asked. The rain got heavier outside.

“I have to clear something up. Jihae, see you later.”

I took my black leather jacket with me, and amidst all the shoutings, I opened the van’s sliding door, and ran outside.

 

 

The rain was no joke. But I didn’t even care. I avoided some motorbikes, slip through the cars in line, ran until I reached the pedestrian walk, not caring the honks and shoutings. While running, I took out my phone, opened the GPS application, looking for the said apartment. After a while, the GPS showed that the apartment was only a few blocks away from where I was. I started running faster, not caring about being soaked wet. My skirt started to get in my way when running as it got wetter.

People are staring at me, they all carried umbrellas, looking at me who ran through them without anything to protect my body from the heavy rain. But I don’t even care, as my breath got even more ragged while I ran. I can’t lose Wonshik. Not now.

 

I finally arrived at a huge intersection, with so many people crossing the street. Despite the hard time catching my breath and shivering because of the freezing rain, my eyes went wild looking for a blue apartment with graffities on it. Then I found it. It was across the road.

 

I carelessly ran to the apartment, shamelessly pushing people off the way as I speed up towards the apartment. I took out my phone, dialing Wonshik’s number again.

 

“ANSWER ME, GODDAMN IT!” I shouted as I arrived into the apartment’s lobby.

“Excuse me, miss, where are you going--?!” the reception asked. I didn’t even care and ran to the elevators. “YA, AGASSI!”

 

I pushed the button multiple times, but the elevator took too much time. With a growl, I ran to the stairs and climbed up as fast as I could. My knees hurted badly, I got blisters all around my feet, my head started to hurt badly and I was freezing to death, but I didn’t care. I kept running, and I finally got onto the fourth floor. I rummaged to find room 4012, and it was at the end of the hall. I ran towards it, and, after a 30 minutes run, I started to feel like I’m going to lose all my consciousness soon.

 

Panting hard, soaked wet and shivering, I pressed the doorbell. It ringed.

“Wait,” I heard a voice scarcely, as I breathed hard through my mouth. My eyesight got blurry.

 

Then the door was opened.

Wonshik opened the door widely, and I stood there shivering too hard, water from the rain fell down from my clothes to the floor.

 

His face was in utter shock, and he still wore his clothes from the interview. He opened his mouth.

“You...” he whispered, his eyes were getting bigger.

I shook my head, and fell to his feet.

“Oppa... I’m sorry...” I whispered.

“Rose!”

I could hear Wonshik’s loud voice, but only just, as everything got blurrier and darker..

 

 

 

 

 

“Rose, wake up. Please. Rose!”

 

I think, through all these darknes, I could hear a faint voice from afar.

 

 

Who is that?

 

 

As I tried to listen carefully, I could hear an indie western music being played, slowly, from afar. And I know that song.

 

“I think I know what’s on your mind..

A couple words, a great divide..

Waiting in the wings, a small respite

Crowding up the foreground from behind...

 

 

Even though you’re the only one I see..

It’s the last catasrophe

Place your bets on chances and apathy..”

 

 

Then a faint, small light lit up the darkness, ever so slowly.

 

Everything felt so warm, so comfortable and soft. I sniffed, and I could smell a whiff of a cigarette smoke scent, freshly brewed dark coffee.. A masculine scent..

 

Take anything you want, it’s fine

Keep up the slow life for the night

Don’t take it back, I’ll just deny

This constant noise all the time...”

 

Then I felt like I could open my eyes.

 

The first thing I saw was a ceiling, with electric fan hanging from it, swirling ever so slowly. I avert my gaze a little bit to my left, saw an opened window, with white wood and white curtain, framed with red brick walls covered in so many paintings. Then I looked a little bit down.

 

Wonshik sat on the bed, holding my left hand so tightly. His face looked all worried.

 

“How do you feel?” he asked.

I sighed.

“I’m so sorry, oppa,” I whispered, again.

Wonshik shook his head.

“Stop saying that.”

“I hurt your feelings.”

“Shut up.”

“But—“

“You’re not making things better by apologizing, Rose, accept it.”

Wonshik took his hands from my arm, and stood up, leaving the bed. He climbed up and sat on the window frame, light from the outside became his background. He didn’t look at me at all.

I sat up from the bed, and realized that the rain had stopped outside. Also that my wet clothes were all replaced by a huge grey sweater that covered down until my knees. I removed all of the comforters, sheets and blankets from on top of me, and I saw all my blisters throughout my legs had ben treated. There was also hotpacks on the bed on my back, and some under the back of my knees.

“Done inventarizing?” Wonshik asked, still not looking at me. “I changed your clothes, I hope you don’t mind. They’re all being dried now as we speak. As for your leather jacket... you can wear mine later. I already informed your manager that you and I are just hanging out somewhere else instead of being here, and I will drive you home when you want to. You had fever, but I already treated it with fever plasters.”

I silently watched over Wonshik’s back as he talked. I noticed he had a cigarette on his fingers, and coffee on a table near the window. Wonshik smoked every once in a while, looking away to the outside of his apartment. Somehow, he didn’t seem like he wanted to see me, because he turned his back on me.

I ran my hand through my hair, trying to hold back tears as many as I could. I felt that my head was no longer in pain, even though the air was still quite cold.

“How long have I been passed out?” I whispered.

“Two hours. It’s 5 PM now.”

I sighed.

If I continue acting like this, I know there would be no possible way that Wonshik would look at me ever again. I don’t want to break his heart.

I sat up from the bed, then walked towards Wonshik’s back, slowly hugging his waist from behind.

I sensed that he was shocked, his body tensed, but he didn’t refuse. I buried my face at his wide, stern back, buckling my hands on his abdomen.

“Forgive me,” I whispered.

“You’re not doing anything wrong.”

“I disappoint you.”

 

I could feel Wonshik sighed, deeply, as a trace of white smoke appeared. He still smoked. But apparently, the smell of the cigarette smoke didn’t annoy me at all. I like the way it lingers on the two of us. I feel.. safer, somehow. Warmer.

I tightened my hug on his waist, as tears found its way down my cheeks. And he seemed to notice.

Wonshik unbuckled my arms from his body, and I backed away a bit when he turned around on the window frame, still sitting there. I cried silently as Wonshik my shoulder-long hair. Then he raised my chin up.

“Stop crying,” he finally said. “This is so not you.”

I hiccuped. Wonshik chuckled, then he wiped my tears away with his thumbs.

“Look at you,” he smirked. “Looking like teru-teru bozu like that.”

“Humph,” I snorted. I guess I did look funny, only dressing in a huge grey sweter, must’ve looked like a ball. “Who dressed me, anyway.”

Wonshik laughed. “I did.”

Even though I didn’t want to smile, I couldn’t help but chuckled amidst my hiccups. Wonshik sighed as he went down off the window frame, standing in front of me, taller from me, as I only stood until his chest, barefooted.

“Look up here, Rose,” he said.

I raised my face up, as I felt his hands tracing my body down to my buttocks, and he lifted me up to his embrace easily, as if I’m as light as feathers. I was shocked so I hiccuped, putting my arms on his shoulders. He looked up to me.

“You know, I’ve never even dreamed that one day, I would be able to be with you like this,” Wonshik said in a low, bass tone, and it made my cheeks blushed. I hung my head down so he couldn’t see my face got red, but he laughed softly as he still could see it.

“Oppa, stop saying that,” I faced him, frowned but I could still feel my cheeks burning.

 

He only smiled, looking into my eyes as we stayed in that position, face to face. His nose was just an inch away from mine. Then, without hesitating, I kissed his lips.

 

At first he seemed to be surprised, but then he returned the kiss, deepen it. My right hand unconsciously grabbed the hair behind his head softly, while I could feel he was slowly walking back, and sat on the bed, without breaking the kiss. I sat comfortably on his lap, my legs around his hip as his hand traced my thighs while he deepen the kiss. And at that moment, I remember that I wore nothing else than only my . But my mind was a bit preoccupied to worry about that stuff.

 

The kiss gone deeper when Wonshik slowly lied down on his bed, leaving me on top of him, lying right on top of his body, still not breaking the kiss as Wonshik’s arms and hand lingered around my back. One of his hands stayed at my waist, while the other travel further back.

 

This is getting dangerous, I warned myself, as I noticed a little bit that the room was getting dimmer. But I couldn’t care less. Half of me felt so wrong, so dirty, when thoughts of Taekwoon crossed my mind. But the other half of my mind kept on convincing me and supporting me to do this as a form of an early stage in fulfilling my promise to Wonshik.

 

Wonshik got skill, really, and words going around his fans about him liking since the old ages might be a huge contributing factor, even though I wouldn’t have the courage to bring myself comparing Wonshik with Taekwoon. Both of them are great and skillful, but they also have their own style.

 

Taekwoon always took control, always dominated me, but I never hated it. While Wonshik, he gave me the freedom to do what I wanted with him, with his body, just like now. He let me serviced him, trailed his neck, ears and chest with my lips, and letting me know that his weak areas are his neck and his abdomen, so that was where I fully concentrated at.                                                                    

 

As the room got darker, our movements got hotter and harder. Wonshik’s hand found its entrance to my upper thigh, and his arms slither into my sweter, touching and caressing multiple places as I moved in between his legs. I opened his shirt’s buttons, and without breaking the kiss, he helped me by throwing away his shirt, and unbuckled his belt. I helped him opening his trousers away, and after that went back kissing him, our breaths become ragged. Wonshik then turned our position around with a growl, and now I lied beneath him. He helped me to pull off the sweater, showing my bare chest as I didn’t wear anything due to my underwears got wet. Wonshik moved himself in between my thighs, started trailing kisses from my lips to the crook of my neck when he suddenly stopped.

 

“Rose,” he called, with such a deep, bass voice. I couldn’t make any voice, because my breath was almost leaving me. “Are you sure... you’re okay with this?” Wonshik asked in a hesitant tone.

 

I nodded quickly. “I’m on pills,” I quickly answered in between my breath.

 

It really didn’t take long for both of us to finally getting bare . Then Wonshik continued kissing me fully in my mouth. I moved one of my arms to hug his body, bringing him closer to my body, so I could feel his every movement, while my other hand got busy grabbing his hair every time his bulge my member, in order to control my . Too many moans are not cool. I marked Wonshik’s chest, while he was busy moving in between my thighs.

 

“Don’t leave any mark. The boys will see.”

“It’s winter, they won’t see you bare chested, right.”

“Mhmm, it’s nearing the end of winter, you smarty.”

“Shut up and put it in, mister y Legs.”

Wonshik’s back kissing me, our tongues fought for dominance. Then he broke the kiss, giving a breathy laugh near my jaw.

“What. y legs..?”

“They’re..” I his bare thighs with mine, suggestively, to make my point clearer, “...inviting.”

Wonshik my neck up to my jaw. “Then let me in.”

I let out a deep laugh, then held his face with both my hands, while spreading my thighs wider. “Be my guest.”

And Wonshik really waste no time in accepting my ‘invitation’. , which was already hardened since moments ago, teased at the lips of my member, leading me biting my lower lip to hold my moan escaping. Wonshik seemed to notice it.

“I never knew you’re such a silent player,” he teased me.

“So, do you want me being noisy? Not afraid of the neighbors?”

Wonshik shook his head, still moving on top of me. “The guy right next to me used to bring his girl every night, apparently he liked having , and you can only imagine the noise. But no one complained. People who stayed here never cared about other people’s ,” he said.

“Oh.”

“So be as noisy as you want, I don’t care.” He started nibbling on my right again. I hissed.

“Hmm.”

Seemed like Wonshik already noticed that my entrance had gone wetter, that he no longer teased me. He distract my attention by kissing my jaw and playing with my while he entered his whole length in, hard on, deep until he hit my certain spot. A ragged moan escaped my mouth. This made him chuckled with his bass voice.

 

“Do you mind if I drive you crazy tonight?” he asked, breathing on my ear.

I let out a small moan and sighed, “Yes, please.”

 

Wonshik moved, ever so slowly, to adjust his length inside me. I brought his body closer to mine, I want him all over me. He seemed to understand, but now I just know that he’s a little bit of the playful type. He started moving, and I worked hard finding his lips and kissing him just to hold back some of my loud moans. He broke the kiss, as his movement got faster.

 

“You like it?” he whispered in my ear. I grabbed his buttocks, urged him to move faster.

“Hhh—are you—ahh—kidding me—“

Wonshik chuckled.

“Wanna play some more?” he asked, in his alluring voice.

“Nghh—bring it on..”

 

He lifted both my legs to his shoulder, and at that moment, I was slightly amazed by the view of his sculpted six pack and his biceps. He started moving, faster, until I raised my hands, reaching for pillows or anything else to hold on. Moans by moans escaped my mouth, and Wonshik’s smirk just seemed like a challenge for me to take my turn.

 

We changed our position again. Now Wonshik lied on the bed, and I sat on him, riding on . This was my first time trying this maneuver and it felt amazing. My head got thrown aback as the sensation from down under me spread through my whole body. Wonshik held both my hands as I moved. Then I reached for the bed’s head board, holding onto it as I moved, faced Wonshik’s face beneath me.

 

“God, Rose.. Hhh.. You’re georgeous..” he moaned my name as I moved.

 

I lowered my face until my forehead met Wonshik’s forehead, leaving my movement on him to my hips, as I stared right to his eyes. We locked eyes, as our breaths got even more ragged, and he felt the sudden urge to on my lower lip. My hip moved in circular motion and moans by moans escaped our lips. I loved the scent of Wonshik’s breath, the faint smell of his cigarette arousing me even more.

 

Wonshik seemed to be unable to hold it any longer, so we changed our position. I’ve always wanted to try the doggy style, and he liked the idea. He moved right behind me, and started to move back and forth faster than before. My moans got more ragged, and his upper body lied on my back, his hands playing with my s. He whispered at the back of my neck.

 

“I love you.”

“W-Wonshik oppa... Ngghh—“

 

His breath got heavier on my neck, and finally we reached our es together. Wonshik avoided releasing it inside, though. He released it outside, and I sighed in disappointment as my faded. I lost all of my strength, and fell back to the bed. Wonshik spooned me, I could still feel being tense even after . His arms hugged me, resting on my chest. I could feel his heavy breathing on my neck, it gave off a tingly sense.

 

“Rose.”

“Oppa.”

“I love you, you know that?”

“Yes.”

Wonshik sighed. “I know... you can’t return my feelings this soon. But... let me know, later,” he ended carefully. I hummed, then I turned my body back to face him, lacing my legs with his.

“You.. deserve someone better than me,” I said, then I kissed his lower lips.

And he said nothing else, only returned my kiss.

 

 

 

For sometime after that, I think we fell asleep for a while. Because through my cloudy memory I sort of remembered having to hear Wonshik’s deep snore, but not for long. And as I open my eyes, I noticed that he was already awake.

 

Wonshik still lied next to me, but he was watching me asleep, caressing my hair.

 

“Hi,” he said.

“Hi.”

“My pretty rapstar,” he said.

“Huh?”

“Your song with P.O.”

“Hmm. Was it nice?”

“It was awesome,” Wonshik smiled.

“You downloaded it?”

“I bought the single CDs. Two of them. I gave one to my cousin, he’s your fan now.”

“What, the designer?”

“Uh-huh.”

 

I chuckled, lacing our legs together.

 

“Why did you skip passed me when choosing rappers?” Ravi pouted.

This made me laugh.

“I didn’t skip pass you! I had been wanting to work with P.O sunbaenim since the beginning, I like his voice.”

“Don’t you like mine?”

“I like yours, but when it comes to voice, I like P.O’s voice better.”

 

Ravi scoffed. “He’s my neighbor, you know. Two blocks different.”

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, yeah. Both of you are from Jamshil, with same birth year and month, only two weeks separated, right? But he was Sanghyukkie’s senior at Hanlim.”

“You learn well.”

“I still don’t understand why he didn’t join Show Me the Money  with you and Mino-oppa.”

“Why didn’t you ask him when you met him?”

“I forgot, really.”

 

Yeah, I almost instantly got caught in P.O’s unique voice and raps, and immediately became his fan.

 

“I did got him to sign my copy of Bastarz’s CD.”

“Really?”

“Yep.” I giggled. “He’s really cool on stage.”

“Now you really like him, huh.” Wonshik scoffed again, pulling his covers and comforters around us.

“Hey. You, me and P.O sunbaenim are the February triplets, okay. Same year, same month, close dates.”

“It’s you and him that’s close. Mine is a week further!”

“Oh, we exchange phone numbers as well,” I bragged, trying to .

“Stop, don’t make me jealous. Just stop.”

“He texted me the other day, saying that he would buy me food sometime, also that he was sorry he was drunk. ”

“Ya, stop it!”

I giggled as Ravi tickled my sides.

 

“Don’t you have practices?” he asked, while walking away to his audio set, apparently playing my new duet single with P.O.

“Tomorrow was supposed to be a day off but I have a fitting with P.O sunbaenim near Yeonjoo at 10, and we’ll have practice at Block B’s building at 12,” I answered, while checking my phone.

“I’ll drive you there, VIXX don’t have any schedule until 4 tomorrow,” Wonshik said while putting on his training pants, still bare chested though. “Let’s order something, I’m hungry.”

“It’s 8 PM. Are you not on a diet?” I asked.

“No, are you?”

I shook my head.

 

 

I was a little bit shocked when he said he wanted to order food. I guess I was still used to Taekwoon and the fact that we always cooked together rather than ordering food outside. But I shook away the thoughts, not wanting to alert Wonshik after what happened today. So I jumped out of the bed, feeling that my health was going better. I put my phone aside, and wore Wonshik’s sweater again.

 

Wonshik was busy making coffee, while I walked towards the spacious living room near the audio set. I tried distracting my mind with memorizing the simple choreography for my duet song with P.O. The main single was titled Pretty Rapstar, and it started off with P.O oppa’s part. I danced a little bit to the song while tying my hair into a messy bun on top of my head. The dance moves were quite heavy yet repetitive and easy to catch up.

 

Wonshik sat on a couch behind me, lighting up a cigarette. After a moment, I stopped dancing, as I felt a little bit embarassed. I lied down on the sofa, putting my head on Wonshik’s lap, drinking a can of beer. As Wonshik phoned a chicken house, I lit up a cigarette, comfortably smoking on his lap. I close my eyes, enjoying the scent of cigarette that I had longed for a while.

“I order chicken and pizza,” Wonshik said, while putting aside his phone.

I nodded. “Great.”

“I don’t know you liked that beer.”

“I’m a drinker, I just limit it.”

“No, I mean I should have bought more. It won’t be enough for you and me with just one pack.”

“Hmm..” I caressed the lower part of my stomach a little bit, as it nudged me with an uncomfortable, numb pain.

“What is it?” Wonshik suddenly asked.

“No, it’s .. I just remembered that I hadn’t have my menstrual period for almost two months now. But maybe pill effects, I guess,” I calm Wonshik down, and just continued smoking silently.

 

I guess, after some time, Wonshik grew bored with singing songs that he lift my face and started kissing my lips again. And yet again, his phone rang.

 

“Ck.”

“Sorry, I have to get this. Yes, hyung,” Wonshik picked up the call.

 

I raised my body, and stubbed my cigarette into the ashtray, shooting curiosity stares at Wonshik. But as the conversation went, his expression turned darker than it was before.

 

“Okay. Which hospital? Yeah, it’s near. Is he going to come home to the dorm or...? Okay, I see. Yeah,” then he ended the call.

“Who’s that?” I asked.

“Hakyeon-hyung,” Wonshik answered.

 

But right after that, Wonshik seemed very.. disturbed. He sank his face on his palms, sighing, messing his hair.

 

“Wh.. what’s wrong?” I asked, a bit hesitant.

“He’s still my best friend... He’s still my hyung...” Wonshik muttered.

 

I tried being brave, knowing that this man was never a hot-headed person. I cupped his face with both of my hands, forcing him to face me.

 

“You can tell me,” I said, sternly.

Wonshik sighed again.

“Taekwoon-hyung fainted this afternoon, and is already in a hospital, but his condition is not good enough, and tomorrow we have lots of schedule. He’s... stubborn. He went home to his own apartment. I’m... worried about him. Hakyeon-hyung said.. Taekwoon-hyung only wanted you to treat him,” Wonshik ended his words by pulling away my hands from his face.

 

My hands fell to my sides.

 

I only had one question word in mind.

 

Why?

 

It has always been like this.

 

Taekwoon.

 

When I want to forget you, you came back. More than that, you force your way into my life... in ways that I don’t even know how to fend off.

 

 

“Can I trust you..?” suddenly Wonshik asked.

 

I couldn’t respond to him, as I only shot him a blank stare.

 

“I relied.. my heart to you. Can I.. entrust you with it..? At least... until I ask you to forget my feelings for you... Can you keep it...?”

 

 

I don’t know if I worth it, Ravi-ya..

 

 

Wonshik hugged me, brought me close to his chest.

 

“Please.. take care of my hyung... I know he’s sick... but please, don’t let him touch you...” Wonshik finally whispered.

 

“I don’t know if I should go... or if I should stay..” Those are the only things that I could say.

 

Wonshik shook his head.

“I trust you... So please, heal him, and come back to me...” he pleaded, then he kissed my forehead.

 

 

 

 

 

 

With my shaky hand, I pressed the doorbell. Not long after, a Cha Hakyeon showed up at the doorstep, opening the door and letting me in. I bowed to him, then I stepped in.

 

“I’m really thankful that you’re willing to take care of our Taekwoonie, again and again,” Hakyeon said, helping me carrying the shopping bags to the kitchen.

 

I shook my head.

 

“How is he?”

“Bad,” Hakyeon sighed. “Really, if he’s healthy, I think I could hit him for being so stubborn. But seeing him right now.. I can’t even bring myself to scold him,” he ended, placing things on the counter. “Should I help you with anything else?”

I shook my head, again, and started to walk to Taekwoon’s bedroom. Hakyeon seemed surprised that I knew very well of the place, but he didn’t say anything. I was glad that he didn’t ask any awkward questions. I was already too tired to deal with too many things.

 

Hakyeon made a gesture that he would like to open the door to Taekwoon’s bedroom first for me, but I shook my head, and he silently backed off. I opened the door.

 

Yeah. Hakyeon didn’t lie. Taekwoon looked bad. This time, it’s really bad.

 

Taekwoon lied on his bed in a fetal position, under a pile of bed covers and comforters. He wore his usual black sweater and black training pants, his hair was everywhere, and I saw lots of tissues around his head. I walked closer to him, and I could smell heavy scents of medications, antibiotics and all other stuffs that obviously didn’t work to heal him.

I quietly removed a white bed cover, just to uncover his hidden face, and it shocked me. I had never seen him like that. He has always been pale skinned naturally, but being sick like this, he grew even more pale. His fever burned his cheeks. I saw small, red rash everywhere on his face until his neck, his cheeks were burning red, his lips were extremely red, and his eyes, even though closed, were very puffy. There were dark circles under his eyes. And what made the situation even worse, was that even though the heater in the room had been , I didn’t need to touch his body to knew that his fever was very severe. I only had my hand near his face and this hot, fever steam came out from him. I also saw a pool of fever tears on the pillow right under Taekwoon’s eyes.

 

Despite everything, I was glad that Taekwoon managed to fall asleep, because I knew that this kind of sickness hurts a lot. Even clothes touching your skin would be painful.

 

“I haven’t had any chance to measure his temperature, he didn’t let me touch him. He said it hurts,” Hakyeon suddenly said in a low voice.

I nodded. “Please wait here,” then I ran quickly to a cabinet where Taekwoon usually kept his medical supplies near the TV. I quickly came back rushing to the bedroom.

 

Hakyeon seemed to be surprised.

“Where did you find the thermometer?” he asked, shocked.

“Oppa, will you help me to lift Taekwoon-nim’s hand?” I didn’t answer.

 

Turned out it was a struggle. As much as I hated waking him up, Taekwoon didn’t make it easy on us to measure his temperature, and I understand how much it hurt him. He whined, he mumbled ‘you’re so annoying, Hakyeon-ah’ multiple times, ‘go away’ several more times, all with his eyes still closed, until I managed to get my hands in his sweater, and placed the cold tip of the thermometer under Taekwoon’s armpits. I didn’t remove my hands as I wait, and Taekwoon slowly got back to sleep again.

After sometime, the thermometer’s beep alarmed me to slowly pull my hand away from Taekwoon’s body under his sweater.

 

“40 degrees sharp,” I sighed, showing the thermometer to Hakyeon, and watching carefully when Taekwoon whined and got back to his fetal position from before.

“No wonder he said it hurts when I touched him,” Hakyeon placed the thermometer away. “What should we do? He hasn’t eat since this morning.”

“What?!” I exclaimed in a whisper. “He hasn’t eat at all?”

Hakyeon shook his head. “He didn’t want to. Should I wake him up?”

“I will wake him up later... Oppa should just rest, you have schedules tomorrow,” I said, shooing Hakyeon out of Taekwoon’s bedroom.

Hakyeon, after sighing, finally nodded. “I’ll stay at the living room. Do anything you need, Rosie-ah. And... thank you,” he hugged me.

 

I nodded.

 

“Please rest well.”

 

 

After ‘tucking’ Hakyeon to sleep in the living room (and he immediately fell asleep anyway), I went to the kitchen preparing food, drink and medicine before waking Taekwoon up to eat. It was already 11 PM, so I fasten up my cooking process.

 

I had decided, on the way here, to make sundubu jjigae with eggs, what Taekwoon has always asked for when he’s sick. I prepared the rice, the vegetables, kimchi, and dipped the jjigae seasoning into the hot pot on the stove.

But as I cut up the silk tofus, some blurred memories suddenly flashed in my mind.

 

 

“Do not ever question my feelings for you.”

 

 

 

“Careful, don’t cut yourself again.”

“Wh—“

 

Taekwoon had put his chin on my right shoulder, tucked one of his arm around my body, and his other hand took the knife away, putting it somewhere else.

 

“Why do you wake up? You need to get some rest,” I instantly scold him, trying to get off his embrace.

 

I have to get off of him fast. Before I got drunk again by his warmth, his scent. Before I got drunk again by his presence.

But he wouldn’t let me go.

 

“I don’t want to spend anymore time away from you.”

“If you don’t go back to bed, I’ll go home.”

“No you won’t.”

“Hakyeon-oppa will be the one scolding you.”

“Please.”

Taekwoon forcefully held my cheek to face him, and he kissed my lips, fully.

 

Taekwoon’s voice was hoarse, until he sounded like he force himself a lot to just talk. His usual taste had been stained heavily by scents of medication that he might had took before. His breath was severely hot with his fever. I saw him frowning when he touched me, and I knew immediately that he was still hurt whenever anything touched him.

 

“Taekwoon-nim, please,” I said, breaking the kiss. “I’ll get you to bed now, and you will eat.”

Taekwoon, weirdly enough, didn’t resist when I put his arm around my shoulder and helped him walk back to his bed.

“Wait here, and don’t move,” I said, while tucking him back to lie down on the bed. He closed his eyes when I put extra pillows under his head to support him. I could hear his suppressed whines when he felt hurt as I put his blanket on top of him.

 

Honestly I felt sorry for him.

 

I quickly finished cooking the jjigae, prepared the food on a four-legged tray, and brought the food to Taekwoon’s bed along with the prescribed medicine from his doctor. As I put the food on the bedside table, I sat down, extending my hand to touch Taekwoon’s forehead. It was still very hot.

“I’ll feed you,” I said quietly. “If you can’t swallow comfortably, please tell me.”

 

Taekwoon nodded, silently staring at me.

 

I could only sighed as I fed him a spoonful of soup and rice, and he turned up not able to swallow well. He coughed, and I knew that his throat also hurted. But Taekwoon didn’t say anything. I fed him slowly, helping him drink lots of warm water. And in one hour of struggling to help him eat, after he was full, he drank his medicines well, and the red rash on his face, I noticed, had gone bit by bit.

 

“Feeling any better?” I asked him.

Taekwoon shrugged. “When anything touches me... it still hurts.”

I immediately stood up to take the thermometer. “I’ll check your temperature again.”

 

Taekwoon willingly raise his arm, and my hand gone under his sweater, placing the thermometer under his armpit. After the beep came, I pull away from him.

“38 degrees. Better than before,” I said.

Taekwoon nodded.

“I will wash these and return home. Taekwoon-nim, please take lots of rest and don’t forget to take your medicines in time. Drink lots of water, it will help,” I said while standing up.

 

But, as I stood up, Taekwoon held my hand. Softly, yet strong enough to hold me back.

 

“Please don’t... not yet...”

 

I look down on him, to his sad, tired face.

 

 

 

How could I ever say no to you..?

 

 

 

He moved aside, and he let me sit next to him on the bed, as he lied his head down on a thinner pillow. He lied back to his fetal position on his side, looking at me, while I lied down next to him, with my hands supporting my head.

 

We lied there, facing each other, for God knows how long. We didn’t say anything, we just looked into each other’s eyes, feeling like through our eyes, we could converse better and talked about a trillion things we had kept in for months, things that we wanted to tell each other.

I decided that I would only stay until Taekwoon fell asleep.

But suddenly, as I comfortably looked into Taekwoon’s eyes in silence, a stream of tears slowly flow down from the edge of his eyes. He extended his hands to hold mine, and put my hand on his cheeks, slowly breathed the inside of my palm as he closed his eyes.

 

I don’t understand anymore.

 

 

Why are you like this?

Why do you need me, even to just get better..?

You said you agreed to end everything.

Are you not supposed to hate me, to despise me?

Why do you still need me?

Why do I still need you.. to live, to breathe?

 

 

 

I couldn’t held back anymore.

 

I moved forward, and wrap my arms around his body, hugging him, for how long... I didn’t know.

 

 

 

 

 

Eventually, Taekwoon fell in a deep sleep, and I carefully moved away from him, stood up and walked away from the bed, after tucking his body under piles of blankets. I silently packed up my things and cleaned up the dishes.

 

I was about to escape in silence, when Hakyeon touched my shoulder near the doorstep.

 

“Thank you... for helping him,” Hakyeon said.

I nodded. Because I knew, when I open my mouth, my fortress will be destroyed.

“I know you love him. He loves you even more. So... even when you are away from him... Please remember his feelings,” Hakyeon said. “I saw you two just then. He had never been so obedient to anyone, except you...”

 

 

“I know, oppa...” I quickly bowed and ran out of the apartment, soon as my tears started to fall.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

D-3 VIXX'S THIRD ANNIVERSARY!! YA GUYS READY???

OMG IM GONNA ATTEND JAKARTA'S FIRST STARLIGHT GATHERING!!!!

IS THERE ANY INDONESIAN STARLIGHTS. COVER DANCER HERE?? 

I'M GONNA BE PERFORMING IN THE EVENT AS VIXEN.... WAIT AND SEE!

IM

SYUPER

EXCITEEEEDDD!!!!

 

 

 

 

Alas, I gotta keep my cool.