Today is the 31st of December. I’m meeting my friends today to celebrate New Years Eve together. I’m going to have some fun here. I know he will be there; maybe he will bring his girlfriend along with him. I’ll break down a bit but that’s okay. I’ve been locking my self in home for 2 weeks - crying every night before I could send my self to sleep and that’s enough. My dreams were all a mere flashbacks of us. I didn’t get to have any proper sleep the last 2 weeks. I didn’t eat properly; there was even times when I would only eat once in 2 days.

One day, I went out of control. I screamed, cried, cursed, and ended up fainting. Yes, it sounds dramatic but it really happened. Before I went out of my sense, I felt like my heart exploded. I kept too many thoughts in me, too many tears I tried to hold back, too many expectations in head, and it all exploded in one time.

Wonder what did I do the past weeks? I spent my days watching variety shows on my laptop from day to dawn. Then, I slept at dawn and would wake up at day.

I’m an over thinker and also a negative thinker. I strongly believe a phrase that says ‘you’ll cry after you laugh and you’ll laugh after you cry’.

I’m afraid of sadness. All I want is just happiness like everybody does. I never let my self get too happy or else I believe that I’ll cry hard after. But during those times, I was so frustrated that I thought to my self to not be afraid to laugh. I keep telling my self to just laugh as much as I want. There's nothing I could laugh about except for these variety shows. Let Yoo Jae Suk, Shindong, or Haha give me a good laugh before I broke down to a depressed cry before sleep; that’s what I thought. I thought that I couldn’t expect happiness anymore because my happiness has gone away. He’s now having another happiness with someone whom I think he really loves. He might see me as a different girl out of those girls he had seen before, but now he had found another me. There’s nothing to be afraid of now. I told my self to just laugh my off; it’s not going to affect anything anyway because I won’t ever be happy again.

And let me tell you that I never told anyone about my condition, my feelings, or anything except EXO (except Kai, of course. For whatever’s sake I will NEVER let him know anything about me), Luna, Amber, Sulli, Victoria, Sica eonnie, Taeyeon eonnie, and Tiffany eonnie. I never let them tell Kai about me either. I’d rather curled up in my bed crying than having him back.

It’s been 3 weeks since he dated that girl. She’s a friend of mine, and he dated her. It killed me. But I couldn’t do nothing but deal with it. I always acted all cool, all silent. I’m trying not to look like I’m avoiding him. I want to look okay. I want people to think that I’m actually good and that I’m actually happier without him, and that I also don’t have any intention to know an