“Welcome to your new home Ari.” my sister, Haneul, opens the door to her apartment 301 with a wide grin.

The hospital also called Haneul on the day of the accident and she joined me quickly since she lived in Seoul for college. She was so distraught upon hearing the news of my parents that she actually fainted and had to be briefly admitted into the hospital. Both my parents were the only children in their families so there were no aunts or uncles I could go live with and my grandparents passed away before I was even born. So the only person I had to turn to was my sister. It has been years since I've seen her so it was slightly awkward being around her.

The last time I saw her was during a break when Haneul came home from college to celebrate Chuseok with us. But the night before she went back to college, she and my parents had some sort of big argument. I remember my mother pleading with Haneul, begging her not to do --- something. I could hear my dad’s usually calm mellow voice shaking with anger as he yelled, “I didn’t raise you to be this way! This isn’t what we sent you to school for!”

My parents have a tendency to be stern and straightforward, which wasn’t a great match for Haneul’s stubborn and rebellious nature. Since then she cut off all contact with them and I guess by extension, me as well. That really hurt me because I didn’t know what I did to be iced out as well.  She never called or came home during the holidays, all I would get was a card and some cash in the mail or a short video call on my birthdays. But that was a few years ago. I wasn't allowed to ask about it, my parents said I was too young to understand. But every month they would still send her money and secretly check up on her because that’s what parents do. No matter what you do they still love you.

I wonder if they still love me... even though it’s my fault they died.

A few months have passed since my parent’s fatal accident. Haneul came back to our house in Gunsan where we planned and held the funeral and burial for them. Eventually, we decided to put the house up for sale because Haneul couldn’t continue commuting back and forth from the house to her university in Seoul. It was especially hard and painful being in that shell of a house all by myself. The move was a double-edged sword because the house was my childhood home, full of happy and joyful memories but since the accident, it was a constant reminder of the fact that my parents were gone. Our empty desolate house was the perfect breeding ground for nightmares that plagued me every night. I have become accustomed to not sleeping at all and have learned to ignore the bags and dark circles that have taken up permanent residence under my eyes.

I look at Haneul hesitantly, but she beckons me to follow her inside so I walk in and she closes the door behind me. Her apartment is beautiful with new modern furniture and appliances. I can see where all that money goes now.

I heave a sigh setting my luggage on the floor before taking off my shoes.

She chuckles and grabs my hand excitedly pulling me further inside “Come on Ari-yah, I’ll give you a tour.”

I pull my hand back quickly, slightly uncomfortable. We used to be close when we were younger but after she left for college we never talked and it was worse when she never came home. I felt kind of betrayed. All the pressures, expectations, and scrutiny from my parents fell on me. Her smile falters and I know I’ve hurt her. I feel my heart clench a bit in guilt.

“Uhhh. sorry...” I