Sunday

A R I

I wake up to the smell of fried fish, cooked rice, eggs, and so many other delicious scents that bring a wide grin to my face. It’s been awhile since I’ve had a good home cooked meal that was made out of love and not out of the fact that we didn’t have enough money to buy pizza or something. I don't even understand how we're still living in Park Palace with the crazy expensive rent it has. The higher up your apartment is in the building the more expensive your rent is and we’re only on the third floor!

“Ari! Are you awake?” Mrs. Woo aka halmoni yells but then in a quieter voice to Mr. Woo she says, “ That girl has been sleeping for so long, I hope she’s okay. She was crying in her sleep when I came into her room yesterday to turn off the lights.” Sound travels so well in this traditional house unfortunately. I pull the covers over my face in embarrassment, why was I crying?

“I’ll go wake her up, don’t worry so much woman, you’ll get more wrinkles.” Mr. Woo replies with a loving chuckle. It's so cute how they still tease each other like teenagers. Quickly I sit up before the old man has to get out of his chair and answer with “Yes I’m awake! I’m coming.” I pull my hair into a ponytail to look more presentable and open the bedroom door before making my way to the dining room. It’s been awhile since I’ve slept this well without waking up in the middle of the night randomly or not being able to sleep at all because of nightmares that would manifest the moment I closed my eyes.

“Why is this young one smiling so much? Its creeping me out." Mr. Woo teases causing me to frown.

I snatch the newspaper he was reaching for out of his reach and pout. "Haraboji! How can you say my beautiful smile is creepy?!"

He chuckles and takes the paper which I hand to him, "Why are you acting so sensitive? Is it because its the start of the Special Spectacular Week?"

Mrs. Woo turns around and waves around her spatula in excitement "Yeobo, your right! I almost forgot! I was wondering why Ari would come so suddenly, hmph and to think it was for me." She whirls back around all sassy like.

"Halmoni of course it was for you! But I guess you can't say it was a coincidence that my visit falls on the same week heh." (don’t worry they aren’t talking about her period lol)  

Mrs. Woo smirks before flipping over the fish and then putting it in a serving dish, "Hmph just hurry up and go brush your teeth before the food gets cold. Don’t forget to light the first candle too."

I grin and can't help but giggle a little at the couple. To be back to something familiar is comforting. “Neh, I will.”

Monday

For everyday of this week I will light a candle, which consecutively grow larger in size with Friday’s being the largest. Sunday through Thursday's candles are red and smell like apples while Friday’s which is white, smells like vanilla. This is only one of the many rituals and events of the Special Spectacular Week. My anxiety builds up as I think about Friday but I still have to stick to tradition.

Today I go to the Byeonsan beach, just like I’ve done for the past couple of years on this same day. The beach is barren due to the freezing cold but I don’t mind, it gives me more room to search. For awhile I just sit on the sand and watch the waves crash against the shore and recall the joyful memories I’ve had here. Once I get sick of just thinking of those memories and not being able to relive them properly I get up to at least try.

I pick up any rocks I can can find, preferably flat, like we used to do and take turns with myself on placing the rocks on top of each other until the tower can’t take the pressure of another stone and topples over. I try to save it but the stones fall regardless of my effort and so do my tears finally. I weep because I’m forced to play the game alone, and I miss the people who share the happy memories I have of this with me. I weep because no matter how hard I try, people seem to always leave me. They just keep slipping through my fingers even though I cling on so tight to them or more like the idea of them.

My parents, Jimin, Mina, even Maxstep. Eunji, who was supposedly my best friend, never once visited me after I moved even though I invited her many times. I couldn’t come back here because the pain was still fresh and I needed her help to get through it but she never did despite all the texts and calls I sent her. I sniffle one last time before I wipe my tears away. Maybe it’s time I stop clinging onto the ideas of people and take them for who they really are because that’s all I would want in return. To be loved for me, not how my skills improved the crew, not based on a lie that I was perfect, and obviously not from being told to befriend me. I need to stop relying on others to save me when I can save myself. I can have people support me, but they can’t be the foundation for my survival.

After awhile I decide to leave since I’ve finished what I came here to do which was to carry out the Special Spectacular Week agenda for Monday like it’s any other year. I followed tradition which is all can be asked of me.

As I walk away the wind beats against the new stone tower I built that stands tall, remaining strong despite overwhelming opposition. Just like my resolve to save myself... from myself. If my resolve crumbles, I’ll just have to build it up again no matter what I stand up against. My insecurities, fears, dreams, doubts, or nightmares whatever it is.  I go to bed at night as I look at the two lit candles, Sunday and Monday, on my windowsill. I realize that the biggest battles that I fight are against myself.

Tuesday

The agenda