Your hands trembled as they came into contact with the doorknob. Twisting it half way, you hesitated to fully open it. For you know you'll be destroyed the minute you walk in there.

You knew it all so clearly.

But you still pushed open the door of her room, the hinges were old and not oiled, so they squeaked a little when you opened it. You let out small quick breaths as tears started to build up, blurring your vision. 

This room was filled with memories, reminding you of every single moment you spent in the room with Grandma. 

Now it would just turn into countless nightmares and horrifying your life will start to be. 

It smelled just like her.

It smelled like she was just standing right next to you. 

You walked further into the room, taking a good look at everything before everything came panging at you. All the memories engulfed you like flames, eating you up from the inside instead. 

You felt like you could still see her sitting on her rocking chair, knitting something out of boredom.

You felt like you still see her smiling warmly at you as she told you different stories about different flowers, intriguing you into the world of beautiful yet delicate flowers that yearned to be loved.

Yet she always told you, the beautiful was the untouchable.

Flowers are beautiful elements of the earth, but once they were touched and plucked off from their roots— it is the end of their lifespan. The beautiful will then turn into a wilthered nothing.

Tears lined at your eyes, but you blinked them away. 

Approaching her bed, you felt the velvety covers with your cold fingers, remembering those times where she just cradled you to sleep after telling you a heartwarming story after a long day you had. 

The searing pain was unbearable.

You glanced over and saw her small closet. She was always a woman of great virtue. She always thought that brains were always over beauty— she always scrimped and saved, just so Jaehwan could get new things and pay for his school fees. She was a great woman. 

You opened the closet and saw how little clothing she had, but she didn't complain about that at all, she was content with what she had.

Running your hand over the different fabrics of her clothing, you found the sweater that you gave it to her a year ago. You could still remember her motherly smile when she saw how badly knitted this was, but still accepted it.

"Aigoo, my dear girl." She chuckled as you looked down, embarrassed. "This strand is supposed to go under, not over, my dear." She smiled at you and corrected. She took a good look at it before breaking into a huge grin, "This is okay considering that it's your first time!" She was always encouraging, she made everything sound like it was okay. 

"I want one too." Jaehwan complained as he munched on some chips, sitting at the side and looking at two of the most important woman in his life. "Just wait until my skills get better, it's lacking so much." You bit the inside of your cheek and groaned. 

"It's okay. Look on the bright side, at least you tried! Trying and failing is better than not even giving a try, right? You'll be better next time, trust me." Grandma held your hand and squeezed it reassuringly, smiling warmly at you.

"She kept it.." You mumbled, your voice breaking in the process. You yanked it off the hangers, holding it closely to you as you fell onto the floor, releasing all the pent up sadness you've been holding in for hours. Her scent was strong, indicating that she wore it many times. 

It just broke you even more, knowing that she treasured this tattered gift you had for her, keeping it so closely to her side. You looked around, you were surrounded by her. But you didn't want this, you wanted the real thing. You wanted Grandma to be with you right there.

You wanted her to tell you how you should learn to let things go more easily when you told her something about Daehyun and how it hurt so much to just think of it back then. How she always told you to let go of the past to welcome the future. 

Or how she'd just get warm with you under her covers and read you a story, in which you'll fall asleep soon after. She'd then pull the covers over you tightly and whispered a prayer into your ear, caressing your cheek once more before falling asleep too. 

You wanted all these so bad.

And that would never happen again. 

Her daily medication would still be in the medicine cabinet, untouched. 

Her toothbrush that would never be used.

Her shampoo will still be in her shower.

This was just too much to take. 

You were about to drown in your own deadly thoughts again when you heard someone knock on the door, pushing it open. 

Jaehwan. 

You dropped the sweater on the floor before you fell, but he managed to pick you up and scoop you into his arms. "Hyomin." He whispered, pushing your hair back and trying to take a good look at you. You could only close your eyes one more time and let the tears leak out, falling down from the corners. 

He rubbed your back soothingly and kissed your head. You didn't move, just letting yourself lean into his chest. 

He felt his heart getting squeezed when he heard you sniffle, he gripped you closer. 

After a bit of cajoling, Jaehwan managed to get you out of Grandma's room, leading you into his room instead. 

"You can sleep with me for tonight, I ask Hongbin about it." 

He knew you need him. He was the closest thing you could get to Grandma, he was her flesh and blood. 

You mumbled a soft 'thank you' and snuggled closer, holding his hand in yours.

"Hyomin, you have to trust me. This is all going to be okay. You're going to be alright." 

He gave your hand a squeeze and kissed your forehead. 

That night, Jaehwan cradled you in his arms and held you tight to him. It broke his heart seeing you like this, distraught and just shattered. He ran his thin fingers through your soft brown locks and placed his chin on your head as you lay in his arms. 

You just couldn't accept the fact that he was the closest you could get to Grandma. 

It was so sad.

It had been a few days.

All you did was lie on Grandma's bed all day with the lights off and the curtains closed, staring blankly into the ceiling. 

You spent hours lying on the bed, convincing yourself that this wasn't your life. That the woman that you cared so dearly for wasn't gone.

Every day, someone would knock on the door and try to talk you out of your state. But you would just shake them off. 

Every day, you will just pick yourself up and sit on the rocking chair, staring at the window that was lined with yet another collection of her potted plants. You smiled bitterly, knowing that the plants won't ever get watered by Grandma anymore, and they will just wither and die. 

You pushed yourself off the bed and limped to the bathroom, your back was aching so much. It was all taking a physical toll on you. 

You couldn't remember the last time you showered. You barely slept at night and almost never ate. 

You couldn't stomach anything.

You looked into the mirror and took a good look at yourself for once. Your hair was messy and falling over your shoulders, your eyes were swollen. Your cheeks were sunken and hollowed in, indicating that you lost weight. 

If it wasn't for your pulse, you'd be dead right now.

But that was what scared you. 

You wanted to die.

It felt so much easier than to take the pain. You just wanted to escape this painful reality even though you knew you shouldn't think like this. But you didn't want to take the pain anymore. 

But you weren't dead, and you needed something else to numb your pain and release you from this trap.

You needed a solution to make it all stop, to fix all your problems. Something that could force you to forget all your problems.

You stumbled out of the room for the first time in this week. Glancing at the doors opposite, you saw the doors closed and the lights off. You figured that they were sleeping since most of them stayed up to make sure you didn't try anything silly on yourself. 

They didn't need to lose one more person.

You walked down the stairs with your eyes strained on the floor, refusing to look up in case you saw anything that reminded you of her. 

You didn't need to see her white coat hanging by the door.

You didn't need to see the big photo of you and Jaehwan with her hanging on the wall.

It was almost irony. You didn't want to lose her and yet you didn't want to have memories of her either.

You walked into the kitchen, feeling the cold tiles on the bottom of her feet. You kept your head down since you knew this house like the back of your hand. You visited so frequently, stayed over so many times that it was like your very own home. You dragged your feet until you reached your destination. 

She stood in front of the cabinet and looked up. Looking through the frosted glass, she her lips and studied every object. 

Tequila, Gin, Vodka, Champagne, Scotch, Brandy— those were just some names of the large amount of liquor in the cabinet. 

You knew Jaehwan collected liquor with Hongbin, they each had their own collection of liquor they didn't bear to dip into. And this was Jaehwan's portion.

You needed something to numb your pain badly, to stop you from thinking of killing yourself.

You opened the cabinet and took out two matte bottles.

Vodka. 

You couldn't remember the last time you got wasted, but you knew it had to be your lifesaver from this. 

Oh wait.

You remember.

"Grandma!" Jaehwan shouted from the door, getting the old lady on her feet and quickly shuffling to the door. Gasping, worried eyes looked over at the girl who passed out in his grandson's arms. "Help?" He asked, struggling to juggle her in his arms as he tried to pull her coat off her. 

"Oh my gosh! Is she alright, dear?" She asked Jaehwan as she took her bag over from Jaehwan and proceeded to help her onto the couch. 

Jaehwan let out a small laugh. "Yes, she is, grandma. She just drank too much." 

Hurried knocks were heard on the door as Jaehwan went ahead and opened it, revealing a wide eyed Hongbin. "Hyung! Where is she?" Jaehwan stepped away from the door and gestured towards the unconscious Hyomin that was lying on the couch with Grandma beside her, pushing her hair away from her face. "Thank God." He whispered to himself before throwing his bag on the floor, kneeling next to the couch and closely examining Hyomin's face. 

"Thank you Jaehwan, thank you Grandma Lee." Hongbin mumbled his gratitude as he ran a thumb over her cheek. 

"Anytime, dear." Grandma smiled warmly at Hongbin.

The next day, you woke up in Grandma's bed, with a bat crazy hangover. 

You rubbed your temples as you groaned in pain, doubling over and curling into a ball. 

"." You cursed.

"Language, missy." You heard a voice warn from the door and turned your head to look at who it was.

You smiled as relief washed over you. "Grandmaaa." You whined and got off the bed, walking towards her with your arms open. She collected you in her arms, those arms that carried so much responsibility the past decades, those arms that brought Jaehwan up, those arms that planted flowers which blossomed in love. 

She brought you her infamous hangover soup which you downed in just a minute. 

You didn't notice the tears washing down your face. It felt like she was just standing right beside you, it felt like she was watching every single thing you were doing right now.

Embracing you and caressing your hair softly.

You drank wine, beer and champagne before but not any hard liquor. But right at this moment, you knew you need something strong to knock you off your senses.

You took a subtle sip before tilting the bottle back. You let the liquid run down your throat even though it burned down your throat like gasoline. It felt acidic, like it was burning a hold in the middle of your throat but it didn't stop you from continuing to down the liquid.

After a few starved gulps, it started tasting good. 

Less like gasoline and more like a painkiller.

You held the other bottle but it's tip as you walked back to the bedroom, tripping on the carpet, your forehead coming in contact with the corner of the bed. You fell flat onto the carpet with a gash on your forehead, but the pain did not register at all. It hurt that much that it drew blood, but it didn't hurt you at all. It was the strangest sensation.

You truly were numb.

You threw your head back and took another prolonged swallow. You felt your mind clearing all of a sudden, feeling so much lighter. 

This was it.

This was your remedy.

This was your solution to get rid of the pain temporary like how everyone else does.

You emptied what was left in the bottle before popping open the other. You then noticed your phone sitting on the bedside table, Hongbin must've dropped it off, because you couldn't remember the last time you seen or used your phone.

You put the bottle to your lips, inhaling the liquid as you messily fumbled for your phone. Your vision blurred as you tried to type in the password.

Then there it was, the photo of you and the boys, together with Grandma.

Life is such a funny thing. 

It makes people come and go.

Sometimes, without reasons, people just leave. 

And leave you with an empty heart, like they took a part of yourself with them too.

Just gone like that.

Oh, it was gone.

Realization slammed in your face. 

Right there, you'd rather suffer from an agonizing hangover than to look at your hands, trying to remember how it felt like to touch the person you loved, that was gone.

She was gone, not here anymore.

If you drank enough, maybe the clear poisonous liquid would start to feel like love.

You hoped that she was watching over you right now. So that she'd feel guilty of what she's doing to you, maybe she'll feel bad for leaving you and come back again.

What a joke. 

You tapped on your voicemails and clicked on her last message to you.

Even though she was old and nimble, she still took the effort to save up for a smart phone just so she could contact the ones she loved, she still took the time to learn how it operated and what every function could do. 

Even though she had shaky hands and poor eyesight, she always took the effort to leave you messages to make your day, to make you feel a bit better if you were down. 

Her lovely, heart-warming, soft voice ringed in the empty room.

"Hello dear, this is Grandma."

She quietly chuckled.

"It is exactly one month to your birthday, after my birthday party, so I figured you might want to know a secret because I know you'll probably be disappointed in my present." 

You could hear her disappointment and it just broke your heart. You didn't need a present, you wanted her, the real thing. You needed her to be beside you, telling you that this is all just a bad bad dream.

"My dear, you're one of the best things that ever happened to me in my tired life. I never got to say this to you but your appearance made my life so much brighter, and so did Jaehwan's. He was such a quiet and timid boy back then, it was hard for him to open up to people because of his shyness. But ever since you appeared, he became more cheerful and lovely, just look at him now, such a nice boy."

She always put others before her. She'd even give her last penny away just to help someone if she could. 

"You're a really optimistic and lovely girl. My vocabulary is limited but I am sure there are so many nice words to describe you with. Thank you so much for today, I really loved the sweater. Thank you for the warm party all of you threw for me today too, it's been so long since I've enjoyed myself so much. Thank you always accompanying me, you know there's hardly anyone at home other than Jaehwan, you really changed our lives, dear. 

Thank you for treating me like your very own grandmother, your family."

Her chair creaked.

"I know you'll be a great woman in the future, I can see that in the way you treat everyone."

She took a deep breath.

"Even though you may have little fights here and there with our Hongbinnie, I know the both of you love each other so much that all that won't affect your relationship. You've endured so much hardship in the past, I know you'll make it through every single one in the future too, being the strong girl you are."

No.

No. You weren't strong. Not even close to strong.

If you were strong, you wouldn't be drinking your sorrows away, you wouldn't need to cling onto someone every other night and cry your eyes out. 

You were so weak you started to hate yourself for that. 

"Life may be tough in the future, but you don't give up. You have to be strong, not for anyone else but you. After every storm, there's bound to be a beautiful rainbow awaiting you, yes? So you have to hang in there until you see the rainbow. When life gets tough, when you feel like you have no one, remember that I'm always here. 

I thank God so much for you, dear. 

Thank you for being in my life.

I love you so dearly, love."

You smiled dumbly at the ceiling with tears in your eyes and vodka in your hand.

She sounded like your favorite song. One you wouldn't mind listening on repeat for the rest of your life.