Those words should have made me feel better, "I am here...I love you," but they didn't. My sister had hurt herself, she had tried killing herself and I was...mad. But mostly I was scared and distressed. I couldn't lose her, I needed her more than she knew. The thought of her not being here was too much to bare. I was sure she didn't realize how much she met to me and I hadn't told her that next to Top and my son, Karin was my everything. My best friend, my sister, my person. She was my person. I loved her so deeply that seeing her, blood staining her wrists, it killed me.

Top did everything he could to calm me down and finally after some time it began to work. I began to breathe a little easier and my tears became scarce. It had only been minutes since I had found my sister like that, but the paramedics were now there tending to her wounds. Top sat up beside me in a chair and wrapped me in his arms. I laid my head against his chest, not able to cry anymore, not able to talk. I was thankful that he had taken me out of the bathroom, that he had protected me. This was all too much for me, not just because it was Karin, but because he knew that I myself had done the same thing years ago.

------------------

I'll never forget when Top first brought up my scars during a late night conversation. We were still apart then, me in the the US, he in Korea. We hadn't even really been a couple for more than a few weeks and I didn't know he had even seen them. I had honestly forgotten them, they were a part of my body and had been for many many years. When I looked down they were truly not even obvious to me. Top and I were talking, it was late where I was, about 1 am. I had just gotten off work and was sitting in my bed. Top had been telling me of his day ahead and I was telling him about mine. I was carrying on talking when he suddenly interrupted me. "Denise, can I ask you a question?" He said seriously. He never called me Denise, never. It was always Deni, like I preferred. The fact that he was calling me that made me know something serious was about to go down.

"Yes of course you can ask me anything." I said.

He sighed heavily and slowly started, "What, what, what happened to your wrists?" He said very matter-of-factly.

"What do you mean?" I asked confused.

"You have...scars...what happened?" He said almost sadly.

"Oh..oh. Well, it is a really long story..."I began to say.

"I have time, I want to know, please tell me, baby." He was obviously very concerned and really desperate to know the story.

"Well, they...they are from a time in my life that I am not proud of."

"Are they from.....did you....did you..."

"Did I cut myself? Yes. Yes I did." I said answering the question he was struggling to ask.

"Why."

"Well because I was young and stupid and at the time I felt my world was over." I sighed, remembering the pain that had caused me to make a stupid decision. "Back when I was 17 my mom left my dad, causing him to try to kill himself. I am very close to my dad so naturally this seriously affected me. I don't remember all the details, as it's been years, but I remember being completely broken as my family fell apart. I am the oldest of four so naturally I took on the roll of taking care of my younger siblings as we adjusted to our mom not being there and our dad struggling to move on. Being in high school and having that kind of responsibility began to weigh on me. The guy I was with at the time, Mike, he was also abusing me. Not physically, but emotionally. One night everything caught up with me as I was fighting with my mom as she tried to take us kids out to eat. I don't remember exact details, but I ended up locking myself in my room, with a butter knife. I remember just wanting to get the pain out and I felt like in order to get it out, I would have to bleed it out."

"So you cut your wrists?" Top said, he sounded sad, like he had been crying.

"So I cut my wrists, but thankfully I have a low pain tolerance, so I didn't do it really deep, also, I did it horizontal rather than vertical...I didn't even cut them the right way to die." I giggled a little, man was I stupid as a teenager I thought."Obviously I cut them enough to leave scarring, but thankfully not any worse. I didn't tell anyone, no one knew. I freaked out after a moment and some how secretly got to the bathroom and bandaged them up without anyone knowing. I hid them from everyone, for years. I think thats how I became such a fan of bracelets...wearing them all the time."

"Wo...wow." Top said. "Deni....then what happened?"

"Well, then, then one day I had to face these scars. I was in a counseling session and talking about my family. Long story short, I had to touch them, face them. Since then, they've become just an after thought. I don't even notice them anymore."

"Oh my baby." was all Top said.

----------

I knew that story was hard on him, even though it was from my past. We never mentioned my scars again and that night Top promised me he'd never allow me to hurt myself like that again. I knew he met that and I knew that this is why he quickly pulled me away from Karin. I also knew this is why seeing Karin in her frail state was hard for me, it wasn't because of the immense love I had for her, though that was part of it. No the main thing that made it worse is that I had been there once, broken to the point of wanting to end your life. Coming to that point met you were hopeless and I was so sad that Karin felt that hopeless.

As we sat embraced Top and I said nothing to each other. Instead we sat there, together, just existing. Top had his right arm behind me, holding me close to him. I had my head laying on his shoulder, my arms resting comfortably on his chest. Top took his left hand and moved my arms so that my wrists were facing up at him. With his left hand, he grabbed my right wrist and began to lightly rub his thumb up and down my scar. He stared at it as if he was trying to memorize what it felt like or something. It didn't bother me, I wanted him to love all of me, even those stupid scars I had given myself.

"Jagi." He said very quietly as he continued to lightly touch my scar.

"Yes?"

"I wish I could take these away from you." He lifted my right arm up and kissed my scar sweetly and gently. "I wish, oh I wish I had known you when you did this, so I could have stopped you. I would have stopped you, I would have held you, I would have taken the pain away..I would..." He continued to focus on the scar as I put my finger on his mouth to stop him. I sat up and looked at him, breaking a small smile. "Stop." I said, taking my finger away from his mouth and placing my hand on his cheek, rubbing it with my thumb. "Oh babe, I know you would have done all that." I leaned in and kissed him, pulling back to look deep in his eyes. "But, these scars were met to be there, they are part of me, they are part of my story."

Top stopped focusing on my scars and took my face in his hands, laying his forehead against mine with his eyes closed. He took in a deep breath and let it out, "Jagi." He said, "I still wanna take them away. I just don't want to ever see you hurt like that again. But,  but..." He said pulling away and looking me deeply in the eyes. "But you need them, because...because...they make you who you are - the woman I love." At that he leaned in and kissed me. I needed that kiss, more than he knew.

As we kissed my mind began to wander. The truth was that in that moment I was thankful for the scars...because Karin and I now shared a connection deeper than we already had. We both had scars. The scars were part of our story not just as individuals but as friends. Scars may fade but they are always there as reminder and now whenever I looked down and saw my scars I'd be reminded of the love I had for my sister, my best best friend.