06 It's Okay Even If It Hurts
The Fool Who Loves You"Does it hurt because of loving you?Is it the punishment of loving you too much?Even if I were to lose everythingIt's okay as long as I have youEven if my heart shatters while loving youEVen if my heart's all worn when waiting for youIt's okay because I love youI'm okay even if it hurts"- It's Okay Even If It Hurts, SNSD's Seohyun
YANG.
"Eh? W-What are you talking about, Yoseob?" Soneul stammers and pink shades are visible on her cheeks. She pulls her hand from mine slowly, "I am your groupmate, aren't I?"
My heart feels a pang when I hear what she just said. It's like an indirect rejection and I have no idea how I must react now.
"I never had a place in her heart. Why do you need to ask me, Yoseob?"
I remember what Junhyung said to me after I asked him whether it's alright for me to be the one who could be close with Soneul or not. I hesitated because we have debuted already.
Two months after we had our very first stage as agroup, I realized that something was odd between Junhyung and Soneul. There was something I couldn't explain occuring between them.
There were times I saw Soneul secretly glanced at Junhyung with sad eyes. There were also times I though Junhyung treated her differently from the way he treated other girls.
At first I thought it was because she's our maknae but, after we released our second digital single, I found out that they did have a special relationship.
It was a silly deal. It was nothing but random attempt they took out of curiosity to spend more interesting days and they ended it right before our debut.
"I did like him. No. I loved him but that's nothing. We're just groupmates now and there is nothing I can do about it now."
I could never forget Soneul's teary eyes when she told me what she thought about Junhyung the day I was going to ask Soneul what she felt about me.
I stoppped even before I told it because it would be a lie if I didn't realize how much Junhyung meant for her.
I just hope she will realize how much she means for me as well.
"We're family, right?" I fake a smile and intertwine my fingers together, digging my nails on my skin. It hurts but it's nothing compared to the pain in my heart. "So get well soon, maknae."
Soneul's lips turn into a curve and, even though I'm happy to see her smile, I can't lie that I'm hurting inside.
I can't. I just can't tell her how much I love her.
Because Junhyung is still in her heart...
...and I can't win from him.
YONG.
"I know, I know," I mumble, staring at my Macbook screen. "We will pull it off even though it's delayed for one day. I promise."
I end the conversation and put my phone on the table. I sigh heavily, leaning my back against the sofa, "Done."
After I left the hospital, I headed back to my apartment and called the CEO, knowing that he was not in his office because of a meeting. I decided to call him and told him about delaying our schedule for one day.
Soneul needs more rest and I definitely don't want her to push herself to the limit. She never fainted before no matter how busy we were so I think it's really a bad situation.
We should be filming the music video in three days for at least fourty hours or so but there is a change in plan due to Soneul's health.
Thankfully the CEO agreed after I confirmed him that we will finish the filming earlier for sure. At least Soneul can have more times to rest now.
I've spent my time to resume composing songs until Yoseob returns. He closes the door behind him and approaches me, "Hey. Have you talked with the CEO?"
"Yeah," I nod and ask him if Soneul is alright. "I bet she refused to stay in the hospital, right?"
Yoseob laughs and sits next to me, "Yes, she did. She's in her apartment now. I've told her to rest again until dinner."
"I see," I return my gaze to the screen of my Macbook. My concentration has fully blurred due to my anxiety towards her condition. "I'll visit her first."
"Junhyung," Yoseob stops me when I'm wearing my shoes. "I... What if..."
He stops and then shakes his head before giving me a forced grin, "It's nothing. I'm going to shower first then sleep."
It feels like he is hiding something from me but I have a feeling what he wants to talk about. Yoseob has told me that he wants to be someone special for Soneul and I have no right to forbid him.
Ironically I realized that my feeling towards Soneul is more than just friends after Yoseob expressed his affection for Soneul.
I guess I just want Soneul to see me and only me. Just like what she always did before.
Selfishness is what made me stuck like this and I can't help it.
Selfishness is what made me stuck like this and I can't help it.
YEON.
I touch my forehead and sigh; the fever still hasn't disappeared. Yoseob has told me that I must sleep more so I will get better soon but I can't sleep right now.
"I'm hungry," I murmur to myself and leave my bed, heading to the kitchen. Maybe I must make a porridge to eat. "Let's see what I have here..."
The knocks on door stop me from preparing the porridge. I walk to the door and open it just to have my heart skips a beat, "J-Junhyung?"
"Yo," he grins and steps inside, taking his shoes off. "That's fast. I thought you're sleeping."
"My hungry stomach needs attention," I reason, closing the door. "How can I sleep without eating something first?"
He goes to the kitchen and checks the ingredients on the table, "Porridge, eh? Let me help you."
I drop my jaw on purpose and blurt out, "What? You? Jun, you can't cook. It's more like destroying the kitchen if you choose to help me in the kitchen."
"Is that a warm greeting for a leader who wants to help the sick maknae?" he crosses his arms, raising his eyebrow. "What a cocky young lady we have here."
He steps closer to me and messes my hair playfully, "Just wait in your bedroom, I'll prepare the delicious porridge in no time."
"You know, on second thought, I think I'm not hungry anymore," I turn around and walk back to my room. "I think it's better for me to go to sleep now. Thank you, leader!"
"Yah! Don't walk away like that!" he scolds me but I just reply him with laughter. "Are you really afraid of my cooking that bad?"
I stop and turn to face him, sticking out my tongue, "Yes! Just have a rest, will you? I don't think you want to faint like me."
Junhyung sighs but then smiles gently to me, "Fine. Tell me what you want for dinner. Don't worry. I don't cook. I'll call for the delivery, okay?"
He pats my head and I must try really hard not to change my expression. No matter how many times I've told myself that we're nothing but groupmates, I just can't forget the moments he showered me with his attention.
Do I still love him? Or is it just because I miss his caring attitude?
I kept telling myself that I would be alright to stick around with him in one group despite the fact that I still had feeling for him back then. It's hurt but I insisted that I could bear with it.
And here I am now, pretending that there is nothing happened between us when there are so many things I can't forget about him.
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