21 In Heaven
The Fool Who Loves You"I'm going to leave now.Don't leave.I'm going to come back so...Liar, liar.No, don't you know how much I love you?Can't you show that love to me right now.I love youCan't we love again?"- In Heaven, JYJ
YEON.
It's ten in the morning but the sky is really dark, as dark as my heart at the moment, even darker than my dress.
My mother helped me to change. She even combed my hair lovingly, as if I could break if she did it wrong. My father came when I was going to be moved on the wheel chair.
I hate it. I hate the wheel chair because it reminds me that I can't walk. It's like a reminder that I will never ever dance anymore even if I can live till a hundred. It's a torture just by thinking of it.
There is once when I tried to leave the hospital bed and walked on my own. I ended up hitting the floor and I couldn't stand up. I cried and cried until Junhyung came and panic was written on his face when he found me.
He's always there for me, whenever I woke up from the nightmare, whenever I refused to eat and my mother couldn't do anything about my dying spirit, whenever I looked for Yoseob, and whenever I thought it would be better if I ended my life.
Five days have passed since the accident, since the day I thought my life would never be good anymore. I don't want to leave the hospital. In fact I don't want to do anything, especially to attend the funeral.
Because it will make me face the reality that Yoseob is already gone from my life forever.
Never once I asked Junhyung how they found out it's Yoseob or where Hyunjoo is. I don't want to care about anything now because my life probably has ended the moment I knew everything has taken away from me.
"Soneul," Junhyung approaches me, helping me to get n the car. He is in his black suit, completed with black tie. His face shows how tired he is but I don't ask anything to him.
I feel guilty for making him to stick around me when he has his own life to worry about. I hate myself for being so weak but who could blame me for being like this when I have lost two of the most precious things in my life?
Yoseob, a man who has shown me that love always opened its door if only I was willing to keep it opened, just disappeared from my life forever. I don't want to believe it until now but his funeral is the undeniable proof.
My dream as a dancer has already taken away when Junhyung told me that the bone fracture I suffered is worse than we could ever imagine, meaning it's even a miracle if I could walk properly.
It feels exhausting to do whatever. I want to run and hide myself from the world, waiting for Yoseob to come and ask me to follow him to another world.
When I am in the car, heading to the place where the funeral ceremony for Yoseob will be held, I can see YYY's fans gather and they are blocked by the gate, holding them from attending the ceremony.
All of them are dressed in black. Some of the girls are crying while some others are holding the banner they always bring when we performed. I flinch a little when some girls trying to approach the car.
What has happened to the world when I locked myself in sadness and loneliness? Am I the only one who suffering right now? How many tears have fallen for Yoseob till this very moment?
My head aches just by the random thoughts. It hurts me more when I see Yoseob's parents, standing next to the coffin when I am already on the wheel chair again.
The funeral ceremony is held for private. Junhyung pushes my wheel chair carefully to the front row so he can talk with Yoseob's father and his wife, giving his deep condolences as a best friend.
When his mother's eyes stop on me, I wonder if she will blame me for her loss. If only Yoseob didn't come to save me, he would be very much alive now. If only I was not stubborn enough... If I surrender to what Hyunjoo wanted...
"Soneul," Yoseob's mother kneels down in front of me, holding both of my hands. She gives me a weak smile and I notice that she just slips something to me. "This is a very precious ring for Yoseob and I think he will want you to keep it for him."
It's the golden ring which Junhyung and I gave to him. He once said to the fans that this is one of his treasures in the world.
"I couldn't manage to know how he was doing lately but I...," she cries but quickly wipes the tear away, forcing a smile. "I know he is happy because of you. Because of YYY. He loves what he is doing and I'm grateful for it... Even though..."
She chokes up with her words and both of us cry together. I clench my fist, holding the ring tight as if it could bring Yoseob back to me.
It's not only me who is hurting. Everyone else is grieving. If I end my life, what kind of pain Junhyung will bear, to stand alone by himself? Shouldn't I be his strength like what he does for me all these times?
"Jun," I call out for Junhyung with trembling voice. He looks suprised that I actually look for him when the funeral is going to start. "Can we... Can the fans enter? Can we let them give their final bow to Yoseob?"
Final. How I hate that word but I can't deny it forever.
He frowns in confusion but a sad smile forms on his lips, "I'll talk to his parents. Wait a minute, okay?"
Within minutes, hundreds of fans walk pass the gate. They surround the guests, forming a black sea of mourning fans; apparently Yoseob's parents granted my request.
I believe Yoseob will want the fans to be here for him.
The funeral starts and everyone who speaks on the microphone to give their speech for Yoseob moves back and forth from the podium.
"Yoseob is an angel. No one can ever replace his existence. His voice will be strength for the world. His everything is irreplacable," Junhyung is going to end his speech. "Let us be one to thank him, for showing us that music can change our lives. Rest in peace, Yoseob."
Junhyung bows down and our eyes meet for a split of second. Strange enough, I get a hint that he is wondering if I want to say something for Yoseob.
By giving him a simple nod, Junhyung walks down the podium and helps me to be in the center of the attention. He gives me the microphone and lets me to take the time.
I hold the microphone properly. Eyes are looking at me, waiting for me to say something. I can sense sympathic gaze because I'm sitting on wheel chair but I ignore them.
"Yang Yoseob...," I take a deep breath and start to talk slowly. "He is a hero. He taught me how to be honest and how to love sincerely. He was someone who always believed that this world could be better if only we did our best in everything."
I stop for seconds because I'm going to cry. I continue again weakly, "He will always be with us through music and so do we."
Closing my eyes as I remember a song, I imagine Yoseob standing in front of me.
Agency labels me as the visual of YYY. Fans label me as the youngest and cutest. But Yoseob and Junhyung acknowledge me as the lead vocal in the group. Yoseob always encouraged me that I could do better in singing as much as I did in dancing.
When I open my eyes, I don't see anyone else but Yoseob in his white suit, standing metres away from me. He smiles gently, waiting for me to sing a song for him.
Glancing slightly to the other side, Junhyung stands still in his black suit, the opposite color of Yoseob. I return my gaze to Yoseob and I clear my throat before start singing.
"As of right now, I can't say anything
The miracle of you, it all seems like a fantasy
The last image of you
Seems to be locked only in my memories"
There is no kind of music recorded to be my companion. I'm not trying to do an acapella version. All I want to do is just crying my heart out through this song.
"I wonder if you are watching me from somewhere
Even if I regret, it's too late, I can't see you anymore
The tears of the shadows of my memories are watching over that place"
My grip on the microphone becomes tighter. My voice wavers but I quickly adjust it to continue singing.
"I can't say those words, I really can't
As much as you were by my side
I'm sorry, but I can't
Everything comes shaking back to me
By waiting a little more, by wandering through my dreams
I'm afraid I will close my eyes inside of you"
A raindrop fall os my hand. It's raining but no one stops me from sending Yoseob away with this sad song. I don't stop myself either. Instead I raise my voice as if I'm singing for a million audience.
"Don't leave, don't leave
Can't you stay by my side?
Lies, all lies, I don't hear anything
I love you, I love you
Can't you show me those words?
I love you, I love you
Will you love me again?"
My voice trembles uncontrollably as tears stream down on my cheeks, mixed with the raindrops. I don't think I can continue again but suddenly a voice joins me in whispering the bridge section.
Junhyung.
He has taken another microphone. I open my eyes and I notice that everyone is looking at us. There is no Yoseob in white suit. There are only people in black here and there.
"Don't leave, don't leave, can't you stay?"
Lies, lies, I don't hear anything
I love you, I love you, can't you show me?
Can't you love me, love me, love me?
Don't leave, don't leave, can't you stay?"
Lies, lies, I don't hear anything
I love you, I love you, can't you show me?
Please come back"
Silence fills the air after both of us take a very long and high note for the last part.
I cry as if the world will end soon. The fans start to cry along with me. Junhyung hugs me and then Yoseob's mother and mine come to comfort me in the middle of the rain.
Yoseob, can you hear me in heaven?
__________
Author's Note:
My heart aches when I wrote this chapter.
It feels so sad, imagining Soneul and Junhyung singing "In Heaven" side by side.
The song is really sad and thinking that they sang in the middle of the rain is just making it even sadder. :(
Comments