22 Just Once
The Fool Who Loves You"I think of the first time I saw youMy heart hurts at the thought of never seeing you againIf I can turn back time and see you againI love youI really want to tell you thatWill we be able to meet once again, really?When will that come true, really?As I walk along, in case I find traces of youI go out to the streets again todayAgain today, tears fall"- Just Once, Kim Youngjae
YONG.
Looking out through the window, I just realize that it's the first snow this year. The snowflakes are falling down to the ground, covering it with pure white color.
Everyone outside is wearing long coat, making sure the scarfs around their necks protect them enough, holding hands with someone else to make themselves feel a little bit warmer, and giggling though the cold weather.
We should be ones too.
My attention falls on the iPhone which I'm holding; it's ringing and I can see a familiar name on the screen, a sign that I need to pick it immediately.
"Ten minutes. I'm waiting for Soneul," I tell the caller what she wants to ask about. "She is alright. She'll always be. Just... Wait for us there. She'll come."
The person at across from the line heaves a relief sigh, "Fine. I'll wait here then. Don't take too long, Junhyung."
After I close the line, I leave the side of window and walk to another room, leading me to a girl on her wheel chair, sitting in front of the piano as her fingers dance on the keys.
Her hair is tied as a long braid. She has became so much thinner since we attended the funeral of one of our most beloved persons. But her love for music never disappears.
I stand still, listening to the music she plays with closed eyes. It's sad and heartbreaking, reminding me of memories I never want to remember yet I just can't.
"I'll catch up with you later!"
I clench my fists tight, hating myself for leaving him alone in the fire. Perhaps I should be the one who died in the fire.
Four months already but the regret never leaves me alone. It haunts me. Nightmare comes after me from night to night but I can't imagine how hard it is for Soneul.
"This is the end of YYY, isn't it?" Soneul murmured vividly when I was accompanying her in the hospital ward, the night of the funeral we held for Yoseob.
Even though it's almost midnight, none of us tried to catch a sleep. Her hand was holding onto the gold ring and her eyes were fixed on it. Meanwhile I tried to write whatever on my notes.
Words of sorrow mostly were written on the paper.
"We can't continue as YYY anymore. I can't dance anymore. Yoseob... He's not here anymore," she stopped for a second upon Yoseob's name. "But you won't, right, Jun?"
My eyes widened at her question. She looked up at me with weak but sharp gaze, "This is your dream. To live as an artist. Promise me, that you will never, ever give up on music."
We stared at each other in silence for seconds before I reached out to take her hand. I smiled to her softly, "I won't as long as you're not going to give up on music as well."
"But I-" she was going to protest but I shook my head, knowing what I should tell her.
"You can sing, Soneul. Your voice is a gift. Like you said, he will always be with us through music and so do we," I embraced her hand tighter. "Let us be with Yoseob through our music."
That short conversation finally made her more alive. She is not the bright Soneul like she was before but, at least, she doesn't give up on music and everything up till today.
"Soneul," I call out her name once her fingers stop playing the piano. "Let's go. G.Na is waiting for us."
Today will be another day where I will always be with Soneul. Just another day where I will make her have more faith in love even though no one will ever replace Yoseob in her heart.
Or at least I think so.
YEON.
"Thank you for your help, Soneul," G.Na takes my hand and smiles widely. "I'm sure your fans will love the song. I owe you one!"
I give her a smile as return, telling her that I am the one who needs to thank her, for giving me the honor as a duet partner for her new song. Moreover she asked me personally to star in the music video.
Junhyung is the one who composed and wrote for the title track, "Miracle, You're a Miracle". It's a love song which expresses how love can change someone's life like a miracle.
For the past four months, some things have changed.
YYY is no longer an idol group. There is no way the group could go on with only Junhyung as the leader. I withdrew and CUBE made the official announcement about the situation. Fans were very disappointed but there was nothing we could do.
However Junhyung keeps going on as a music composer. He also features in some songs as a rapper. With his encouragement, I do the only thing I can do as an artist in music industry.
However the range and level are all pressed down. No more performing live on music program. No more releasing an official album by myself. No more dance practice nor performance.
All I can do is to be featured as duet partner for various artists. Sometimes I help Junhyung to write lyrics for songs. Other times I will spend my time to practice with musical instruments to be more advanced.
No matter how much music reminds me of Yoseob and it's killing me softly, it's also the only thing that can make me feel that Yoseob is still here with me.
Sometimes when I'm alone at night, I feel like Yoseob is somewhere around me. I see him but I know it's just hallucination; I miss him too much.
My heart hurts just to remember that I will never see him again. I haven't even told him that I loved him so.
With that thought, I think tears will fall again tonight before I go to sleep, because I'm sure I will remember the day when he told me that he loved me, and how I regret that I never told him the same.
I want to meet him once again. Just once.
But it's impossible.
"This will be the first time you appear in the music video again after...," G.Na tilts her head and her voice becomes whisper. "Are you sure... you'll be alright?"
She is worrying about me and I admit that I have the urge to refuse featuring in the music video but I can't run forever. Besides Junhyung has assured me that he will help directing the music video tomorrow. I want to fulfill his wish this once.
He has been a big help for me. Despite his busy schedule, he always makes time to visit me who can go nowhere freely like how I used to do. He keeps updating me with news, trying his best to cheer me up.
"I would call him if I could... If he is outside... If he's out there, I would leave willingly... If only..."
The words he said when I called out for Yoseob after I gained my consciousness that day are repeating on my mind. Junhyung once said he would do anything to make Yoseob back even if it meant he needed to leave the world he's in.
But whatever he did, it won't bring Yoseob back.
"I'll be alright," I wink at G.Na. "I'll see you tomorrow then, Unnie."
Junhyung pushes my wheel chair carefully, heading to the car that will send me back to my house.
Suddenly he stops and I look up to see that he is staring at somewhere else with wide eyes. As if he just saw a ghost, "Jun? What's wrong?"
"I...," he frowns and I notice that he is staring to the crowded road from afar. "I just... It's impossible..."
He shakes his head and his eyes meet mine, "Nothing. It's nothing. I'm sorry. Come on. I'll drive you home."
I never know that what he saw would change my day tomorrow.
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