Monday 11th December

Dear Diary,

Its funny how quick time passes when your mind is preoccupied. 2NE1's debut was fast approaching and my body was in auto pilot. It moved on its own. It moved to wherever I was wanted, when I was wanted. My mind on the other hand, was in pieces. I didn't know what was reality and what was fantasy. I had so many questions, but no answers. So many thoughts, but no one to vent them to. 

It began the day after the BIGBANG dorm party. 

                                -20th April-

I woke to find myself tucked in my bed. My room was tidy and the curtains were closed. My phone was on my bedside table, and I was wearing my favourite pyjamas. How I got to this state I don't remember. 

Last night was a blur. I remember crying as he carried on. Not listening to my cries. 

My eyes, however, were now dry. My bedsheets were clean, but they weren't the ones I had last night. *what going on?* I thought. 

Everything felt wrong. My body was out of orientation, but the room was immaculate. I glanced at my phone. 9AM. Our rehearsal began at 10:30 so I had a bit of time left. I noticed I had 3 new messages from MinHo, JiYong and Seungri. I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone, but I didn't want to seem out of character, so I replied to them all.

Beginning with Seungri:

His message read:

Dara-ssi! Where were you last night? We missed you at the party? Gwenchana?

This the first time he showed any concern for me. He's always been teasing me or just generally been up to no good.

I replied:

Panda Oppa!! Everything's okay! I just got back late and fell asleep! Mianhae!

*everything's okay* I repeated in my mind. Doubt already creeping in. I took a deep breath and continued to read the others.

Minho Oppa's said:

Morning Princess! I hope you got home okay last night, you seemed a bit... Occupied? Hope everything's okay! Come by some time so I can introduce you to my band members!

I smiled to myself. *He's always so happy* I thought to myself. *I can trust him, right?*

I replied:

Morning! Mianhae for last night! I'll make it up to you! I've got rehearsal all day, so maybe another time!

I was happy that he had others looking after him while I'm busy. Even though he's older than me I feel a... a sense of protection over him. Like I have to protect him against the world. Its like he's become my little brother.

Lastly I opened JiYong's.

It said:

Daraa-ah! Meet me at Chyunggyecheon tonight at 6!

I looked at the text. Then at the date. Yup, it was definitely 20th April. Why is he asking me to a romantic river in Seoul city?

I replied:

JiYong oppa! Why do you wanna meet there?

He replied:

Because I want to talk to you.

I relied:

But why Cheonggyecheon?

He replied:

Arraso, let's go to Samchung Dong! There's a little restaurant there were we can talk. I'm in rehearsal now so see you there at 6


I didn't bother replying. I learnt 'I'm in rehearsal' actually means I'm not going to reply anymore. 

The whole day passed in a blur. There were studio sessions and photoshoot meetings followed by intense rehearsal. The next thing I knew it was 5:30PM. I made my way back to the dorm. I put on a knee length floral dress CL unnie bought me. I curled the end of my hair and wore light makeup.

I made my way towards Samchung Dong and saw JiYong already standing outside of the restaurant. The area was really quiet although it was a school day. 

I saw him standing at the entrance of the restaurant using his phone. He must've felt my eyes on him because he slowly gazed up and met my eyes. He smiled and ushered me towards him.

It felt good to be wanted. It felt good to just be with JiYong. We sat at one of the tables furthest away from the windows, so noone saw us. 

The restaurant was small and cozy and wasn't especially busy. JiYong hasn't said a word since we sat down. He just kept his eyes on the menu. He didn't even comment on how I looked or why we were here. He just seemed... preoccupied.

'Ready to order?' He asked suddenly looking up. I nodded in response and he called the waiter over. The waiter was a slim boy in his late teens. His facial features were strikingly handsome and his smile was gripping, 'Annyeong, my name is Jung DaeHyun. I will be your waiter for tonight' he flashed us a smile as he whipped out his note book, 'what would you like to eat?' He asked.

'I would like the special Ramen' JiYong answered, DaeHyun wrote it down and looked at me, 'and you madam?' I snapped out of my daydream and looked him in the eyes, 'erm, I would like the ramen as well please' he nodded in response as he wrote down our order.

'And what would you like to drink?' He asked looking back up,

‘Erm 2 sodas please' I answered before JiYong had a chance. He looked at me but smiled.

'Erm, what flavour?' DaeHyun asked, still looking at us.

'Coke for me and Orange for her' JiYong replied. DaeHyun wrote it down and nodded.

'Your order should be here in about 5minutes.' We nodded and he walked off. My eyes followed DaeHyun into the back room where I presumed the kitchens were.
'You seem to like him,' JiYong commented while looking at his phone.
'Huh?' I asked looking at him. He kept his eyes on his phone,

'the waiter boy. You seem so into him' he added, still glued to his phone. 'Whatever Ji' I said looking away. 

An awkward silence gripped us. JiYong was so busy with his phone that I began feeling dishearted. *Why did he invite me here if he is just going to look at his phone?* I thought to myself. 

Before I could ask him, DaeHyun returned with our order. 'Here you go' he said while he placed the platters on the table, 'enjoy' he smiled and walked away. 

JiYong put away his phone and began to eat. He noisily ate while I just sat there watching him. He finally noticed my eyes and stopped eating. 'What's wrong Dara? Don't you want your food?' He asked. I just blinked at him and raised by eyebrows. 'What did I do now?' He asked putting down his chop sticks. He sat back and crossed his arms, waiting for me to explain. 'Nothing' I replied. 

Watching JiYong act all cocky reminded me of what happened last night. Maybe this was a punishement for being mean to MinHo. Someone who has been there for me. Something I haven't been doing for him. Here I am with JiYong, pretending everything is okay. *whats happening to me?* I asked myself. Yesterday made me rethink my whole life and my plans. *is JiYong the guy I want? He doesn't care about me, I'm just the girl he used to complete 2NE1. Was anything that happened between us real?* I could feel tears filling up in my eyes. *Does JiYong not like me? Don't I belong in Korea? Maybe last night was the stars telling me it’s time to go home. Back to the Philippines, where my parents are waiting. Where I don't have to face this drama!*

Before I knew it tears were streaming down my face. 
'Dara' JiYong exclaimed, 'what's wrong? Why are you crying?' He left his bench and sat beside me, embracing me in a big hug. 'I'm sorry! I didn't mean to ignore you.' He pleaded. I couldn't speak, tears blocked my throat and no words came out.

'Shh Dara. Its okay! I'm sorry! I'll explain everything!' JiYong said. I sat up. *explain what?* I thought. He must've read the confusion on my face and hugged my tighter in response.

'When we leave here Dara. I'll explain.' He said, pulling away.

'Only if you tell me what happened yesterday.' I froze.

*How did he know?!*I asked myself.

He returned to his bench and smiled. We finished our meal quietly. Noone spoke. There were so many questions in my mind. *only a bit longer and he'll explain* I reassured myself.