"Ayaw mo na ba sa akin?" 

 

It's like time stood still and all I could hear was my heart breaking. 

 

Everything that happened the last two days replayed in my head at para akong sinampal. I couldn't believe what I just heard from my girlfriend. 

 

Mali ba yung pinakita ko today? 

 

Have I royally ed up?

 

Bakit naman niya natanong yun? 

 

I couldn't understand where this was coming from. Nag-away kami, yes, but hindi to the point na hindi ko na gusto si Winter. That was just a petty fight. 

 

We can still fix things.

 

She's still my girlfriend.

 

She's still my baby.

 

And I like her so much. 

 

Why? 

 

"Baby, no —" nagsalita ako but she cut me off with her sobs. 

 

Humagulgol na siya sa harapan ko that it was hard not to hold her. But she only shook her head, scooching a little sa seat niya to create a little bit of distance between us.

 

Ayaw ba niya…

 

"H-hindi ko kasi alam kung anong ga-gawin ko," she stuttered through her tears. "Hindi ko alam kung a-anong dapat gawin. Hindi ko alam kung o-okay tayo." 

 

No, baby, we are.

 

"Natatakot ako, Karina," she continued. I could see she was getting nervous. Hindi siya mapakali. Kinakamot na niya yung pants niya. And then she started wringing the hem of her shirt. "Ayaw mo akong kausapin tapos hindi mo ako matingnan kanina. I'm really sorry na wala akong alam when it comes to this." 

 

At this point, Winter started heaving, shoulders violently rocking dahil sa pag-iyak niya. Hindi ko na mapigilan sarili ko and pulled her towards me for a hug. 

 

I was afraid that she would pull away but she didn't so I held her even tighter.

 

"I'm sorry, Karina. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry," paghikbi niya. She kept repeating she was sorry, burying her face on my shoulder and all I could do was caress her back.

 

It was hard for me to hear Winter like this. I was trying hard to contain my emotions pero grabe lang yung pag-iyak ni Winter. 

 

Triny kong patahanin si Winter pero she just kept crying and saying sorry sa akin. 

 

I could feel my eyes starting to water hearing how vulnerable Winter sounded. Parang dinurog yung puso ko everytime Winter said she was sorry.

 

I'm at fault too. I said things I shouldn't have. Have I been too inconsiderate sa feelings ng girlfriend ko? I did what I thought was right for me, not knowing that it affected her this much. 

 

"Baby, shh, tahan na," I said, caressing her hair. "I'm sorry, too. I'm sorry. I will never not like you. Bakit mo naman natanong yun?" I asked, careful with my tone of voice. 

 

Winter sniffled. "Yun kasi yung nafifeel ko the past two days," she whispered. "Tapos ngayon hindi ko alam kung okay ba tayo or pinapakita mo lang na okay tayo sa friends mo kasi hindi mo naman ako tinitingnan." I could feel the insecurity in her voice. 

 

"Feel ko ini-ignore mo pa rin ako. I'm really sorry, Karina. Hindi ko na kasi alam kung magiging okay pa tayo kasi hindi naman tayo nakapag-usap." Napahigpit ang yakap niya sa akin. And then her shoulders shook and I panicked when she started crying again. "Feel ko kasi anytime you're going to break up with me."

 

Naalala ko yung ginawa ko. 

 

Mali. I was so wrong. 

 

I was trying hard not to get things out of control pero yun ang nangyari. I focused too much on what I felt that I forgot about my girlfriend. 

 

Hindi ko sinasadya. I was just hurt.

 

I didn't want Winter to feel this way. 

 

"Please don't leave me," Winter begged. "I l-like you so much." 

 

I slowly let go of our hug and looked at Winter. Pero hindi siya makatingin sa akin so I cupped her cheeks and gently wiped the tears off her face. 

 

It shouldn't have gotten this bad. What kind of girlfriend have I been to make her feel this way? 

 

"I'm sorry, babe," I whispered. It hurts me that I hurt her. "I'm sorry for making you feel that way." I tucked her hair behind her ear. "We're okay baby. I'm not going to leave you. I like you too much to even think about it." 

 

I looked at her with longing. Sobrang bigat ng nararamdaman ko and I could feel just how much Winter had been suffering dahil sa ginawa ko. 

 

It must have been so hard for her that the thought of me breaking up with her crossed her mind. 

 

It was just a small fight — something we can definitely work on. 

 

Huminga ako ng malalim and I leaned my forehead against hers. I closed my eyes. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," paulit-ulit kong sabi sa kanya until tumahan na siya. "We're okay, baby." I kissed her lightly on her lips. "I'm here, I won't leave," I assured her.

***

Pumasok kami sa loob ng bahay after because it was getting too hot inside the car. Winter also needed some time to calm down.

 

I held her hand tightly when we went inside. Humihikbi pa rin siya at pinagpawisan so I made her sit on the couch muna. 

 

Parang ayaw ko siyang iwanan for even a second. 

 

So, I held her face, softly caressing the apples of her cheeks. Tumingin lang siya sa akin, eyes still teary from before, pain still evident sa mga mata niya. 

 

Ayaw ko ng isipin ang nangyari sa amin but we have to talk. 

 

So this doesn't happen again. So I don't have to see her so broken. 

 

It hurts knowing that you hurt the person you care about. Kahit hindi mo sinasadya. 

 

And I know Winter wants to talk. She has a lot to say and I will listen. 

 

I brushed her hair away from her sweaty forehead. "Baby, I'll get you a towel and an extra shirt. Pawis na pawis ka." 

 

Tumango lang siya. Tumayo ako to go upstairs but before I could go farther, tinawag niya ako. "Karina," she called, voice small.

 

May kurot sa dibdib ko when she called me by my name. 

 

"Baby," sabi ko. She looked at me quizzically. "Can you call me baby again?" 

 

Winter just stared at me and then sighed. "Sorry. Hindi ko kasi alam if pwede kitang tawagin baby kasi hindi tayo okay," she explained. I felt even worse. I didn't realize that she had thought about these things sa two days na hindi ko siya kinausap. "But okay naman tayo, diba?" She asked, a hint of doubt sa boses niya.

 

Nilapitan ko siya ulit and I held her hands when she attempted to scratch it again. "We're okay." I kissed her on her forehead. "Call me baby again, please?" 

 

"Okay, baby," she finally smiled.

 

"Okay." I kissed her softly, lingering a little bit longer — anything to make her feel that we are okay. "I'll be back. I'll get you water na rin," I said, kissing her again on her forehead.

There's a certain weight that has been lifted off my chest.

 

For one, I was glad that I'd somehow erase any form of doubt sa isipan ng girlfriend ko. I know hindi pa enough yun. I have so much more to prove to her now and I'm committed to make her feel that she's always wanted.

 

I want her everyday. Always.

 

Sana mapakita ko sa kanya how important she is to me and that I feel so strongly for her, minsan it's overwhelming. 

 

It was wrong for me to assume na malalaman kaagad ni Winter ang gusto ko just because it's what I'm used to doing especially with Yuyu.

 

Sa past relationship ko rin, he just left me alone and waited for me to talk to him. It was what I was used to.

 

But Winter is different. 

Nang makabalik ako sa sala, Winter was just staring into space. I gave her a glass of water and she drank it right away.

 

I gave her my shirt. "You can change sa bathroom." 

 

Napasmile ako when Winter came out of the bathroom wearing my shirt. She's not that small compared to me pero I gave her an oversized tee kasi so ang cute lang niya tingnan ngayon.

 

Somehow, mas gumaan ang feeling ko na makita siyang mukhang hanger ng shirt ko. 

 

"You look cute," I teased. Napakamot na lang siya sa ulo niya before she sat down. 

 

Winter looked at me, her expression turning serious.

 

Right, mag-uusap pa kami. I bet she has been wanting to do this kanina pa. 

 

"Pwede na ba tayo mag-usap?" She slowly asked as if she's being careful with me. 

 

Tumango ako.

 

She took a deep breath.

 

But before she could continue, I stopped her muna. "Are you okay talking here? Is it okay if sa kwarto ko na lang?" 

 

I don't know but I felt too exposed sa sala namin kahit wala naman ibang tao. It feels as if the walls are listening. 

 

Winter nodded mutely. Mukhang apprehensive pa nga siya. 

 

"It's okay if ayaw mo, babe. We can talk here." 

 

"No, uhm, o-okay lang."

 

"Sure ka?"

 

Tumango ulit siya. 

 

Hawak-hawak ko kamay niya as I led her up my room. Kinakabahan ako.

 

I know that we're okay but the anxious feeling is still there. Winter must feel the same kasi pinaglalaruan na niya ang rosary ring ko.

 

Kahit naman ganun siya, Winter wasted no time when we got to my room.

 

"I'm sorry, babe," she started. Hawak ko pa rin ang kamay niya and I gave it a tight squeeze. "Alam kong wala ng magagawa ang sorry ko kasi nangyari na but I want to say sorry again." 

 

"Nakakainis yata pakinggan na palagi kong sinasabi na wala akong alam." 

 

I shook my head, disagreeing with her. We're both in the same boat. I also didn't know any better.