I was sad. 

Of course I was. 

Who wouldn’t be when you’re being ignored out of nowhere? When Winter dropped me off, I still had a little bit in me to whisper to her to drive home safely and text me when she gets home. 

I didn’t expect a reply from Winter. Afterall, she did ignore my previous ones last week. And then this happened. 

Napansin ni Yuna how my mood was all dark and gloomy and texted me kung okay lang ako. I told her that I was. I told her that I’d just get over it. 

Which I always do. In time.

But it’s just sad how all of this happened. Because it came out of nowhere. It made me think nung sinabi niya na inaalipin ko lang siya. Suddenly, parang hindi na yun joke. Parang totoo na yun. 

Was Winter getting tired of seeing me everyday? Was she getting annoyed of me na? If she was, she could just tell me. I would understand. Wala naman talagang kwenta yung bet ni Yuyu. I’d rather have that than biglaang pag-iiwas na hindi ko man alam kung anong reason. 

Maybe I was really just wasting her time and she didn’t know how to tell me so she couldn’t look at me in the eyes.

At the same time, hindi ko rin alam kung ako ba ang dahilan sa pag-iiwas niya? Was I just overthinking things? 

When Yuyu dropped off the car sa bahay, she went up to my room. Usually, I would keep these feelings to myself pero Yuyu opened the topic kasi ang weird daw ni Winter the whole day. Mukha daw siyang wala sa sarili everytime na kinakausap sila. Hindi rin daw siya makatingin sa kanila.

So I told Yuyu about what happened. 

“Baka bad day lang ni Winter, Yuyu,” she reasoned out. 

I wanted to believe that too. But then I kept thinking about that time at Himig.

She was acting fine. 

I was getting too caught up with my thoughts na nagulat na lang ako when Winter texted me she was home.

Because of that, I 60% believed Yuyu that Winter was just having a bad day. 40% of me still had that gnawing feeling na naiinis na siya sa akin.

Kasi it just to witness how differently you are being treated from other people. Diba?

I didn’t see Winter or talk to her at all on Tuesday. Yuyu finally had some free time since PDT gave them some time off from practice so we’ve been going home together again.

Iniwasan ko rin muna pumunta ng library kasi I was still a bit upset pa rin. 

The last time I heard from her was on Monday when she was acting strangely towards me. To be honest, I still don’t know why she was suddenly so distant. I couldn’t think of any reason.

Prior to that kasi, she was okay naman? Apart from leaving my texts unanswered, we were fine naman last week. I didn’t think of anything naman talaga when she didn’t reply to me because she could’ve been busy over the weekend. 

It was just really sudden when she didn’t even greet us on Monday when she usually does. It was so out of the blue.

But now, I unexpectedly saw her sa locker niya as I was coming from the computer lab. I debated whether I should say hi to her or even approach her. I didn’t want to experience her being cold towards me again. 

It was not a nice feeling.

That was when I found out na mas gusto kong palagi na lang tumitingin sa akin si Winter instead of not. Mas weird kasi when she’s actively avoiding me.

I was just going to pass by her na lang and pretend I didn’t see her when she suddenly stopped in front of me and smiled. 

“Hi, Karina!” 

Tiningnan ko lang siya, searching her eyes for something amiss. Mukhang okay naman siya?

Was she just having a bad day that day talaga at ako ang naisipan niyang i-ignore? 

But then she was really nice and friendly to that girl from Himig. That left such a bitter taste in my mouth still. She didn’t even introduce me.

“Papunta ka sa class mo?” 

It was weird. 

Napatulala na lang ako. Suddenly, she’s okay and acting as if she wasn’t being weird around me? 

When she did that to me kasi, nasaktan ako. It really hurt. I didn’t want to think anything of it naman talaga but it was upsetting lang na she did that to me. 

It really made me think kung may nagawa ba akong masama sa kanya. But I couldn’t think of anything I said or did that would make her act like that. 

And then I saw her being herself with other people and it was like a slap to my face. Parang pinamukha niya nga talaga na hindi siya okay with me. She couldn’t look at me.

And I didn’t even know why. 

I thought we had a budding friendship na. One sided lang ba?

But should I give her the benefit of the doubt? Yuyu did say I wasn’t the only one she was being weird around. People have their off days nga naman. 

“Karina?” 

She was biting the corner of her lip, concern evident in her eyes. Was she feeling guilty sa ginawa niya on Monday? 

Again, I thought about what Yuyu said to me. I can’t just assume I’m the problem. 

She was scratching her hand again. 

I really don’t like it when she does that. She ends up hurting herself kasi. 

I took a deep breath and stopped her from doing her bad habit. She really needs to fidget on something else.

“Winter,” I just said. Then I dropped her hand and tinanguan ko lang siya, signalling her to follow me as I started walking. 

She was a step behind me. Parang careful pa nga siya as she tried to match my pace. 

“Bye, Winter,” I said ng kailangan na namin maghiwalay. I didn’t know what else to say. It’s not like I could just ask her bakit niya ako iniiwasan and end up making a fool out of myself. So, I’d rather not initiate it unless she acknowledges it herself.

I was going to go the other way na but hinila niya bag ko. 

“Uhm, ano…” she paused. “Karina…uhm, gusto ko sana mag-sorry.”

I wanted to ask why. I wanted to tell her that I was hurt but I went against it. 

Instead, I just raised my brow at her as if to tell her to continue. “Kasi ano…may iniisip lang ako. Hindi ko sinasadya na ikaw yung napagbutungan ko.” 

Should I be convinced sa sinasabi niya? I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt talaga. Because she looked like she felt bad. Her usual bright eyes had seemed duller. And she bit her lip again when I saw it quiver. 

And then she looked at me and I couldn’t help it. 

“Okay,” I just said. “Hope everything is okay with you.” I shouldn’t pry. 

I turned to leave but she pulled my bag again. 

“See you mamaya?” I looked at her. She looked hopeful. Was this her way of making it up to me? 

I thought about it.

Magkikita ba kami mamaya? Wednesday ngayon and usually nga I’d wait for her sa library habang nasa org siya. I had stuff to do today at the library naman. 

I also forgot that Yuyu was back to being busy and taking my car again so I’d have no choice but to get a ride home from Winter.

Was I okay to just let it go and go back to our usual as if nothing happened? Kahit na nag-sorry na siya, it doesn’t mean that I was okay. Gusto ko sana that she explains everything to me but we’re not that close for me to demand more.

No. I didn’t have the right to that. 

Pero I’d like to think my being upset was valid naman. 

Pero I feel like if I made a big deal out of it, it will just blow out of proportion. And then it will be a whole mess. I didn’t want that. As much as possible.

I can get over it. 

That’s right. I’ll get over it.

“Yeah,” sinabi ko na lang. Relief washed over her face. Her shoulders sagged a little as she smiled at me. “See you later.” 

I’m not much for confrontations especially kung hindi ko alam kung ano ang problema. I can’t just assume I’m the problem diba?

So I’m leaving it at that. 

Kasi at least Winter was not being distant anymore. At least she was looking at me again. At least nag-sorry na siya. I’d like to believe her na may iniisip nga siya that time at the library. I’d like to believe what she told me. 

But it seemed bothered pa rin ako sa ginawa niya kasi while doing seatwork in one of my classes, natawag ko si Lia na Win. 

“Win, are you done with the book?” 

I wouldn’t have realized I did that if not for Lia calling me out for it. 

“KK, I’m not Winter, unfortunately.” She mused. “Something wrong? Were you thinking about her?”

“You spend too much time with Winter, KK.” Giselle teased. 

I just breathed deeply. “Just a little bothered I guess,” I shared. “I’ll get over it naman.” 

“Wanna tell us about it?” Concerned na si Giselle na nakatingin si akin. 

I hesitated. But I was getting over it na naman. I might as well. 

I told them the gist of it. Pati na rin yung sinabi ni Yuyu sa akin. And how Winter apologized. They agreed naman that maybe Winter did just have a bad day that day. And that Winter was comfortable enough sa akin para ipakita yun and not to other people. 

Pero sabi rin naman nila na it wasn’t cool for Winter to let it out on me if she was having a bad day. 

I should just try to understand na lang daw. For now. If she does it again, then I should talk to her. 

I thought about it. And then naisip ko yung time when I ruined her project. She was the type to show how she felt. Hindi niya tinago na galit siya sa akin when that incident happened.

Naramdaman ko yung coldness niya before. It was not nice.

So, maybe Giselle and Lia were right. I should try to understand.

And then Lia asked me why I was getting so affected by it. Tinanong niya why I thought the problem was me. Winter also already apologized, she said. Because Yuyu wasn’t really affected by it. She was more worried than upset. 

Bakit nga ba? 

Why was I thinking about me? Nagmamaganda lang ba ako to think that the reason why she was acting like that was because of me? Lia had a point. 

I could’ve thought more about what Winter was going through instead of how it was affecting me.

Because now that I think about it, I was more bothered by the fact na hindi niya ako tinitingnan. She was still talking to me albeit short replies. 

So, why was I super bothered?

I couldn’t form a single reply to her.

“KK, what do you think about Winter?” Si Giselle naman nagtanong. 

What do I think about Winter? 

“What do you mean?” 

“I mean, do you like Winter, KK?” 

I know they have been teasing me about having a crush on Winter since the beginning pero this time, walang halong asar sa tanong. Giselle seems to be serious and concerned about it.

The question made me stop to think. 

“I —” I looked at them, confused. “I don’t know?” 

Do I like Winter?

They only smiled at me. Alam mo yung smile na parang naawa rin sila sa akin? But at the same time, they also looked like they were proud of me. 

Kasi they did that thing where they hugged me and patted my head. The “our little gay-gay” really stuck to them and they cooed at me habang sinasabi nila yan.

“You’re dalaga na talaga.” 

I was still confused. 

But they really made me think. Was that why I was so hung up about it? Why wasn’t I like Yuyu who got over it so quickly?

Because lunch time came and Yuyu came strolling in the restaurant with the Three Musketeers in tow. The whole time I noticed Winter was being extra…nice to me? 

Was this her making bawi?

Or was I looking too much into it now that Lia and Giselle have planted the seed in my head?

Lumabas kasi kami. One of those days na nagsasawa na kami sa pagkain sa cafeteria. And the whole time Winter just made sure I was okay. She had gotten me and Yuyu food pa. Libre niya na daw.

I don’t know why the sudden switch in demeanor. One day she won’t look at me, and the next, she does? 

I mean…I do prefer that over the former. 

Nag complain pa si Ning bakit hindi daw siya nilibre when she’s the best friend. Tinarayan niya lang si Ning at binulungan ng kung ano. Parang nagets naman ni Ning kasi she went with Winter to buy us food. 

Winter smiled at me when she handed me my food and I don’t know what got into me pero I started feeling shy when she did that.

I wanted to keep being aloof about the whole situation. But I don’t know what happened.

I was back to stuttering my thanks to her. And that really frustrated me. Because I had come so far.

And then at the library, I waited for her nervously. I didn’t know why I just start