It has been a very looong morning. The photoshoot has been going on for more than 3 hours now and it is starting to make me weary. Good thing a certain llama woke me up so early to feed me breakfast.

I almost face palmed myself hard if it weren’t for the lenses that are directed too close to me. You and I have just said our goodbye less than 4 hours ago but I'm already thinking of you again. It’s getting really frustrating that you will always be part of my thoughts even though I'm not supposed to think too much about you.

Gosh, I am not a love sick teenager anymore if I even become that once in my life. Besides lovesick is a very strong and inappropriate word to describe what I feel about you. I honestly don't even know how to name these feelings and I don’t think I will be brave enough to dare give it a name because that will mean that I acknowledge it as real.

Admitting to myself that these feelings exists is definitely a red light and I really don’t want to tackle that part of reality at the moment so I shrugged it off. To avoid that stressful reality I am stuck in, I conveniently choose to turn my line of thoughts back to where it ended before I start my overthinking tendencies and un-shockingly it gets back to you and your stupid antics this morning.

You're seriously nuts playing that meat prank on me at 6am but I'm glad you did. I wonder where you got the meat at that time of the day, but meat is meat, and I’m not complaining as long as you won’t hang it by an effin fishing hook again.

"Perfect krystal, keep that smile on. Five more shots and we'll have a 15 minute break."

I keep the smile plastered on my face while looking directly at the camera. I kept my eyes directed to the lenses while I imagine that big smug grin you're wearing when you succeeded on feeding me with your improvised fishing hook.

Uggh, I really should've kissed you to wipe that stupid grin off your face.

*flash*

*flash*

*flash*

Oh my god that came out wrong.

I bowed my head and mentally whined because I cannot even control the direction of my own thoughts. Before I had the chance to take that thought back or replace it with a more neutral and platonic gesture they called for a break and I got swamped by the staff.

I immediately check my phone when I got settled to my designated resting area. Hastily unlocking my phone, I heave a disappointed sigh because I did not receive a single message from you. I got 4 from Jessica unnie, 1 from Ssul, 1 from manager oppa and another one from L (Myungsoo). I have 2 missed calls from Taeyeon unnie as well, but not even a hi from you.

I tried to ignore the disappointment that is getting evident in my face and read unnie's messages first. The messages are as vague and weird as ever so I just replied that I'll talk to her later.

The cryptic vague and weird messages are really making me worry about her more and more. It’s getting frustrating that she is obviously not telling me everything but it must be really hard for her so I just have to let her tell me when she’s ready.

Never mind that I’m worried half to death most of the time especially when she would send me weird messages. Things have been more and more complicated for her and I am trying to figure out what is really going on because I hate false assumptions but I always get distracted by the busy schedule and the sudden thoughts of you. It is actually getting infuriating sometimes but I cannot do anything about it. I just know for sure that whatever happens I'll be there for unnie first before anything else.

Scrolling down through my other messages, I almost forgot just how upset I am because of you when I read Sulli's enthusiastic long chatter. She wants to give me heads up about her latest CF and it made me smile that she's actually excited about telling me every single detail. Not that I care about that hot boy whomever that was that was with her. She’s just like that most of the time, and I’m glad that she’s enjoying it at least. God knows she need to have her fun given how they exhausting and tedious our group schedules could be.

Sulli's eagerness made me miss hanging out with her and our other members. I sincerely miss hanging out and having a good long laugh with you, Vic unnie and Luna unnie and I really hope we can hang out as a group again sometime soon. Eat a great meal and chat about all the nonsense in the world, while you and I bicker nonstop about absolutely everything.

I continued staring at Sulli's message a few minutes longer thinking how nice it would be if my schedule will permit my hopes of spending time with you and the other members.

I shook my head hard to stop myself from getting distressed. I knew pretty well that hanging out with the group is out of the question these days, and thinking that way will only make me feel sad, so I swallowed the lump on my throat and sent Sulli a short reply promising as always that I will call her again later. I just get on with opening my unread messages to stop the feeling of the sadness that is threatening to overcome me.

L's message is a very short and concise invite to have coffee with him and the other casts of my lovely girl. Biting my lip in thought, I hesitated before sending a quick yes. I honestly wanted of politely decline the offer but I said yes because I really want to have a good relationship with the casts. They are all very nice and supportive and having coffee with them won’t hurt. It’s a great distraction from the repetitive thoughts of you buzzing at the back of my head together with those of my sister’s.

Thankfully, they said break’s over before I can overthink things more.  They call everybody back to the set again so I am not able to check on manager oppa's message. Everyone starts rushing to their places, getting ready for another session. I follow their example and sit back at the couch we are using for this set, fidgeting a little. I really will never get used to the scrutinizing eyes of the people whenever I am doing my job.

The session is one of the most important part of the shoot since it will be for the front cover. Everyone has the determined and excited look on their faces and it inspired me to do better. This time I kept myself from thinking you or anything else. I just focus my attention to the instructions of the photographer and do as asked.

Close the end of the photoshoot, my mind slipped again for nth time and wandered back to you. I bite my lip to stop myself from smiling because I'm having a flashback of your facial expression when I kissed your cheek when you walked me to the door this morning. I don't know why but my momentary lapse of control earned a very exuberant "Perfect Krystal" from the one holding the camera. At least, he likes my facial expressions when I think of you.

***

I walk slowly towards the car park already excited to drive again. I really loved driving around when I am not too tired, and I am really looking forward to driving to my next schedule since it’s not too far, but it seems like manager oppa has a different idea in mind because when I reached the rear end of the car park, he approached me immediately and asked me to ride in the van with him in a very serious tone.

He did not even explain himself. He just open the door for me and usher me to get in. I am starting to get nervous by his odd behavior but I sat in the van and wait impatiently for him to speak.

The van is already in the highway but manager oppa is still not speaking. It’s really irking me so I didn’t say a word too. I tried to figure out what I must have done wrong to make my manager act this way but I can't think of any except for the fact that I slept beside you last night in the dorm. Thinking again and again I concluded that it is impossible for him to know because no one saw you and me together. Though still feeling troubled about the possibility, I pushed that thought away.

After a few more minutes of ransacking my brain for a more plausible rationale, I remembered that manager oppa sent me a message this morning. Out of habit, I snapped my fingers feeling delighted, then animatedly unlock my IPhone, which earned a questioning look from the one sitting beside me.

I thoughtlessly read the message to understand what is really going on. I know for sure that manager oppa saw what I am doing since he is sitting beside me. The van ride is filled suddenly filled with tension when I put my phone away. Apparently, this fuss over my transportation arrangements was all because of the news the happened just this morning. That's really all I got from reading his message but I can feel him fidgeting in his seat so it must be a really grim news.

I can not stand not knowing anymore so I turned to face him and ask the dreaded question in a flat tone.

"What happened exactly manager oppa?"

"Your sister is no longer a member of snsd." Manager oppa said solemnly, watching my reaction closely.

I mumbled a soft thank you and look away from him to stare out of the window. I want to freak out and call my sister immediately. I want to cry hard for her because she lived almost half of her life for them. I want to get a cussing fit about how that is not fair, but I didn't react how I feel towards the news because it won’t look nice and I hate looking like cry baby in front of anyone.

I still can't help but feel worried about my sister though. I bet this explains the cryptic messages. I knew it’s getting worse, but this is real bad. It makes me feel guilty that I can't rush to her immediately because it's not possible to cancel my activities today. I heaved a long sigh and tiredly rest my head on my upturned palms.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and look up to see my manager looking at me sadly. I just nod my head to let him know that I understood everything and that I’m fine, and I’ll do well until I'm free to be with unnie again.

I'm sorry unnie, I should've been there instead of acting on my delusional need to be with...

I didn’t finish the thought because I hate where it is heading.

I just smiled at manger oppa who seemed to be waiting for me to say something. Then I look back at the window and watch how everything gets bleary on the outside as we sped up to the location of my drama.

How I wish this day would end already. I really need to be beside unnie now, too bad I can’t. Calling her now will just make everything more overwhelming and I still need to think about what to say or not say. It won’t make the situation any better if I’ll tell her exactly how I think about everything given the little information I have for sure. It includes ungrateful and es in one sentence so I just held on to my phone tightly. Resisting every urge to do something stupid.

I'm really starting to believe that there's always a price to pay for every blissful moment I have because this situation with my unnie must be some sort of payment for the euphoric morning I had with you. I know that it’s stupid to think that way, but the coincidence is just too much. Fate must be having a fieldwork with my life right now.

I rest my head on the window feeling defeated. I guess I should really forget about my funny thoughts about you. It'll never bid well for anyone because it'll create more problems than solve the ones that are already existent. Besides you and me are getting along fine, away from each other somehow and my sister needs me.

Maybe I should just keep you a daydream away, that way I can keep you close to me, without hurting anyone but me, my Amber Josephine Liu.