XVI. A Piece of Me 2:  Roses

 

 

Krystal will never chase me.

 

I know she would not do that but I kept on running. I run even if I'm three streets away from her. I kept on going even if it felt like my chest will burst any minute. I took forced steps away from that house, trying to convince myself. I've done the right thing. I've done the best I can do for her.

 

 

I slumped on the wooden chair in front of an unfamiliar coffee shop. I'm not sure if I'm still in Seoul but I can see the Han river from where I was, so I don't think I've run away far enough. I wonder how far I would have to go in order to get away from her.

 

 

A strong wind blew from the direction of the river, pulling my hood down. It revealed my sleepless face to the empty sidewalk. I didn't move to raise it back up. I wanted to feel to breeze, maybe it'll clear my head. Perhaps it'll make the worry and the pain go away.

 

It didn't. The pain is still there even when I can't feel the wind anymore. "Can this day get any better?" I said out loud exasperatedly as I look upwards. The sky was slowly turning grey. Something cold touched my burning cheeks.

 

Snow.

 

White. Pure. Something I can't hold on to longer than a few seconds because it melts on my fingers. Just like her.

 

 

Jung Soojung.

 

 

I closed my eyes and let the snow my skin. Even the snow reminds me of her. How can life be this hard on llamas?

 

 

 

The tell tale sound of a bell made me look towards the entrance of the coffee shop. The glass door gave me a clear view of a wooden counter top and a set of wooden stools. Everything looked inconspicuous, but the portrait attached to the center of the displays intrigued me. I dragged myself inside.

 

 

 

 

I walked forward slowly, my gaze locked on the minimalist painting of a lone red rose. I wonder why people like creating such delicate sad surreal pictures. I stopped in front of the counter my eyes fixed on the melancholic art.

 

 

 

It took my mind away from her and the pain on my favorite eyes. The sadness in the portrait is overwhelming, it's scary, but I didn't look away from the picture of the lone rose. It's more preferable than remembering the tormented look on her beautiful face.

 

 

"Hi, Can I get you anything?"

 

I let my eyes roam to the list of things they serve, consciously trying to look less like someone who come from a love ones' funeral. Llama acting time. I mentally count in my head. Action.

 

"Goodmorning, can I have a large order of hot chocolate please"

 

 

"and?"

 

 

 

"Just the hot choco."

 

I managed a smile. I think I did a convincing job because the she smiled back.

 

"We have a table behind the pastries display, you can sit there if you want."

 

 

"uhh, thank you. I will" I answered with the smile still plastered on my face, bowing politely. It's getting hard to keep it convincing so I moved swiftly towards the spot she indicated. I didn't know why she directed me here, but I'm thankful she did. It's almost hidden and it's overlooking an eccentric rose garden.

 

The owner of this shop must've loved red roses so much.

 

I sat on the left of the wooden table, my back turned to the entrance. The smile I'm trying to keep broke into a grimace, as I remembered her. I rubbed my eyes with knuckles berating myself. I should stop thinking of her. I've made up my mind.

 

 

The lady at the counter brought the hot choco in front of me without a word. A yellow sticky note was attached to the white mug.

 

"It gets better."

 

 

I looked up to the kind lady and bowed down to her with a genuine smile. Llamas are survivors. I can get pass this. I'll be a llama legend. The one who lived through forever without a heart.

 

 

Great now I'm talking of forevers.

 

I blew the steam from the cup before taking an experimental sip. The roses beyond the door were distracting. I winced, my tongue got burned but I didn’t put the mug down, taking another sip instead. It was better than the first, comforting, tasteless.

 

 

Roses are red, Skies are grey, Krystal Jung is the one that got away. I don't think I got that right. That’s probably not how the lines go, but that'll be the llama rhyme starting today. I sighed, put the mug down and pulled my phone out from my pocket. I speed dialed JJ before I can second guess myself.

 

 

"What?"

 

 

"I told her."

 

 

"How is she? Aren't you suppose to tell her after BOB?"

 

 

 

"I found the perfect timing."

 

 

 

"There's no such thing as perfect timing for that. How did she take it?"

 

 

"uh-you know your sister Jess"

 

 

"Damn it Josephine! I'm mentally shooting you with a shot gun right now, oh no my soojungie. Where is she? Give her the phone."

 

 

"Just call her Jess, I'm not with her."

 

 

"Why?"

 

 

"Why what?"

 

 

"She's your bestfriend idiot, how can you leave her after telling her something like that?"

 

"Jess, I-"

 

"Nevermind, let's just hope it'll all get's better. I'm hanging up, I'll talk to her. Well done llama. You’ll get Dad’s approval someday, maybe in your next lifetime, when you’re less dense."

 

"Ha ha ha-" the dial tone stoped whatever nonsense I am about to say. I leaned heavily down all my weight on the back of my seat. At least even the witch believes that it all gets better.

 

 

I stared at the steaming cup, smiling a little, my mind suddenly silent.

 

I mindlessly brought the cup back to my lips I should at least finish it because the lady was really nice. It was still tasteless but I didn’t put it back down until it’s half finished. I am not ready to get out of secluded corner so I closed my eyes, trying to feel my heart beat calmly in my aching chest. It’s there and I’m okay and every will get better.

 

 

I opened my eyes to watch the snow, and observe the garden. It looked beautiful, and calming. My eyes roamed through all the colors until it rest on the far left side of the garden. There was a red delicate thing that looked like that portrait on the middle of the cozy shop, it was rose yet to bloom. To me it’s the most beautiful thing because it was not the same as the rest, beautiful although it seemed alone and lonely.

 

Krystal Jung.

 

I don’t know why but even the lone rose reminded me of her. I gripped the fabric hiding throbbing hole in the middle of my chest to the world. No tear fell from my eyes even as I force myself to cry.

 

 

 

That's the best solution I can think of, Cry it all out until it stop hurting because I have to face the world 58 minutes from now, and everyone will start asking questions if I won't be able to pull myself together.

 

 

I don't think I can explain the physical pain that's making my bones hurt like hell. It won't make sense if I'll tell them that I feel like someone was peeling every layer of my skin slowly and precisely. I will not be able to express into words the empty feeling inside so I need to do this.

 

 

I can at least convince her and everyone else that I am happy with the decision I made. Maybe that'll make her stop being so stubborn and just accept it without creating a fuss. It's for her anyway. Always for her. The things I do for the only princess I believe to be a real royalty.

 

 

I got back to sipping the tasteless drink, when it became apparent that my tears won't let me have it this time. I tried consuming what’s left of my cup, looking mindlessly outside.

 

 

A strong wind blew some of the snow covering the roses. The flowers seemed to sway with it, except for the one I have been observing for awhile now. Without realizing it I was out of the shop's backdoor, walking towards the rose in at the left end of the garden. The snow that touched my exposed skin and made me shiver but I kept on moving towards the side of the garden.

 

 

I raise my hand to touch the flower that got me curious.

 

 

 

"I won't do that if I were you."

 

 

I spun around quickly and it almost made me dizzy. The cold eyes I know so well were boring on me with the same intensity that it always have. My heart jumped to my throat beating loudly as it petrified me in place.

 

 

Krystal was wearing my snapback. I can hear the sound of my faded black converse, squeak against the snow covered path. She stopped at arm’s length.

 

 

She has her eyes locked on me, ignoring the snow slowly falling on top of her heads. My fight or flight senses were going crazy, as I returned her gaze. It's not my fault that I can't look away from those burning orbs as she walked closer until the tips of our shoes were touching, not uttering a single word.

 

 

I just can't look away from her, but it seems like she can’t look at me for too long. She broke the staring contest, looking down. My eyes wandered, her lips were trembling. I bit my lip hard turning away before I do anything stupid, or maybe I actually did. I busied myself, forcefully tugging at the lone rose I was staring at. Its stem is freezing as my fingers touch it but I ignore the cold, my heart pounding loudly in my ears. I winced as my skin made contact with thorns as I try to break the stem. My forefinger was bleeding but I ignored it, tugging until I got the rose, then I turned back towards Krystal.

 

 

She looked ready to cry and slap me senseless, so I took her hand and drag her out of the cold. I almost slipped because of the snow in my soles when I hurriedly, pulled her inside gripping her wrist losely

 

 

The bell chimes in as soon as we stepped in the warm room, snow freckling our shoulders and clothes. Krystal was glaring at me.

 

 

I ignored the death stare to check why the space suddenly got noisy. There were probably eight teenagers near the counter. One of them was already looking at Krystal and I. I looked away from the kid to try to talk to Krystal, she was looking at my hand, still holding the rose. The room was getting noisier.

 

 

We don’t have time to talk inside the café.

 

 

I intertwined my fingers with hers before pulling Krystal out of the cafe. I didn't think of any destination, or plan or consequences. I just pulled her and run. She didn't fight me. She didn't even say a word even until the blast of cold November air make our hairs dance with the white snow kissing our exposed faces.

 

 

I stopped at the side walk a few blocks away from the café where we left off, feeling lost and disoriented especially because there are people in every direction. It felt like I am fifteen again, lost in the middle of a street where no one can understand me. I almost got into the terrifying memory but Krystal held on to me. She tugged on my arm guiding me away from the crowd.

 

 

 

I allowed her to drag me to wherever it was. She would not let me get lost. It was probably only a few minutes but it felt like a few hours, until we stopped to take a breath. She pulled me towards the direction of an unfamiliar van illegally parked at the corner of the street. I followed her willingly. She stepped inside before me.

 

 

We rode together in silence.

 

 

I took deep breaths, taking mouthfuls of air to make my lungs work. I am pathetically out of shape and my burning lungs, momentarily made me forget about the young lady beside me or the situation we are in, or the fact that I don't even know where she's bringing me.

 

 

"STUPID." a harsh whisper in a language probably only the two of us can understand in the white van we were on.

 

 

I looked her directly in the eye still panting. Her eyes were still burning charcoals, but I can see a tinge of amusement and sadness in them. It's too mindblowing to think that I can actually see a Kaleidescope of emotions on those pitch black orbs, so I ignored it.

 

 

 

I braced myself for her next words, silently trying and failing miserably from searching for the right words that will give me a solid argument, the better explanation for me to stay true to my decisions.

 

 

 

She opened to say something but no words came out. She hesitated, looking warily back and forth between the in the driver’s seat and me. She settled on staring intensely at the dashboard clock after a few heartbeats.

 

 

 

I try to break the soffucating silence by talking to the unnie who's driving us, belatedly realizing that she was the same kind unnie who let us sleep in her house.

 

 

"Hello unnie, I'm sorry for the inconvenience. You can just drop me on the next bus stop, I'll just wait for my ride there."

 

"No, no Ambro, it's okay, your manager actually asked me nicely to give you a ride. It's in the same route the we normally take to our set anyway.”

 

 

 

"err? Thank you. Thank you unnie, are you sure? I mean, I really don't mind. Uhh- how did you, I mean how, uh-why did you-"

 

 

"Talk to your manager? It's soojung actually, she talks to your manager, and your manager made his requests to me through her."

 

 

"oh o-kay. Thank you so much really unnie. You've been too nice to me. I owe you a lot of selca now." I said in the most upbeat tone I can manage before I stare back dumbfounded to the beautiful fuming young lady beside me.

 

 

"yes you do ambro! yey, but maybe next time. We're almost there."

 

 

I didn't answer her verbally, opting to just nod, as I continued staring at Krystal. Her anger seemed to have faded a little. She looked calm, as she silently stares at the window. I slowly placed the rose in her lap.

 

 

Just when the surroundings started to get recognizable, the van entered into a building I know all too well. It halted in dark car park. It's time for me to go. I thank the unnie enthusiastically by giving her a kiss on a cheek, grinning widely. I reached for the door but Krystal spoke before I was able to open it.

 

 

"Unnie? Can you give us five minutes please?" She said in an even tone. I can't even hear a tinge a anger from her voice, but I knew better than that.

 

"Please Unnie." Krystal added. Her hand was gripping my arm in a vice like grip.

 

 

"Okay Krys. Take your time. I actually need to go to the toilet."

 

 

"Thank you unnie!"

 

 

Unnie smiled at the two of us in the rearview mirror before getting out of the vehicle. Krystal pulled me to get back to my seat. I sat hesitantly looking away from her, suddenly feeling the stinging in my fingers. I can not look at Krystal. She didn’t mind.

 

 

Krystal spoke softly. She didn't have any prologue, no small talk to ease the conversations to the sensitive topic. She just laid it thick, too thick for my liking.

 

 

"Why amber? Are you really that tired of me that you’re giving me bull excuses just to get away from me?"

 

 

"Krystal." I sighed, forced to stare at her, because of her tone. It was accusing and broken and I want her to stop talking but she continued, her voice getting a little louder.

 

 

"did you change your mind? Is it because things are getting messy, which will not be worth it considering you’re done with me. Or did you just realize that you love someone else? Or that this, whatever this is, is inconvenient and hard and real so you need to buckle up and retreat? Is that it?"

 

 

"I-, no it's not that, you-"

 

 

"if any of those are your reasons. YOU! I didn't ask that you love me that way. I didn't ask for any of that. I don't care if you’re in love with anyone else either as long as I have my best friend. I just want my best friend back if it’s the only way to keep you stupid."

 

 

She didn't shout, her facial expression didn't even wrinkle, but there was a whirlwind of emotions in her eyes. I got in the whirlwind, panicking. Then her face was suddenly just a few inches from mine the proximity was almost too much. There was a sweet ache in my bones, every nerve ending in my body were tingling. I was getting lost in her as her grip in my arms slowly slackens.

 

 

Krystal’s scent blanketed the cramped space, dizzying, distracting. I tried to speak, stuttering desperate.

 

 

"I-'m here. S-till here. S-see I’m be-side y-you. I’m beside you.”

 

 

“Always." I added hurriedly unable to think straight anymore. Every cell in my body was screaming for me to pull her into my arms, but I can't do that. I looked away from her eyes.

 

"Then why are you saying goodbye to me stupid?" She whispered, still breathing too close to my lips. I can feel her staring at me intently as if she's trying to examine my expression, trying to see through my soul.

 

My heart pounded loudly at my chest, she can probably hear it. I wanted to disagree. I wanted to tell her no, but I can't make false promises. Not to her, not even white lies. We both know that. I can not make any reasonable or acceptable explanation either. I didn’t answer, pulling away from her slightly, but I really can’t take my eyes off of her.

 

 

It traced the edge of her lips her cupids bow her aquiline nose, then it was looking directly at her welling eyes. I looked away just in time for her lips to land at the side of my mouth. I didn’t speak when she pulled away. I just raised the rose in her lap instead.

 

 

"Did you even know what a red rose means stupid?" she asked, resigned her voice breaking in the end.

 

 

I shook my head, moving the rose away from her. My fingers got busy trying to feel the stings, taking off all the thorns in the stem of the rose.

 

 

"it does not mean goodbye, does it smartass jung?” I forced a smile, ignoring the stings on my fingers, in my chest.

 

Krystal didn't reply. She watched my hands.

 

"Here, a red rose for the princess."

 

She remained silent, her shoulders dropped. I didn’t force her to take the rose, and just put it back in her lap. She didn’t say anything else. She pulled her phone from somewhere. Our conversation is probably over. I looked away from her, breathing deeply.

 

 

 

"Are you done?" “...”

 

 

 

Neither of us spoke. as the kind unnie, fastened her seatbelt. I glanced at my favorite face for a few more seconds, before I swallowed the big lump in my throat. I moved to the driver’s seat giving unnie a warm hug before getting out of the van with a high toned goodbye and thank you.  

 

 

 

I drag myself to the lift that will propel me farther away from Krystal thinking that some words are better left unsaid.