The steady rhythm of the rain hitting the window beside me is luring me to sleep. I've drawn the curtain a little to the left so I can watch the rain do its thing. It's already dark outside and the illumination from the light posts reflects the raindrops in a fascinating manner. Concentrating on the rain distracts me from the loud screams in my head. Those annoying voices makes me wonder if I am finally driven mad by her majesty and her prince wannabe. 

 

 

 

 

 

That confession is right there on top of the long list of stupid things I've done in my entire existence. The timing was not right. The words said bore heavy promises. The sudden outburst of my emotions is just plain wrong. In the eyes of most of the people, loving her is sinful, the word wrong simply does not cut it. The fact that she has a lot on her plate already makes it worse.

 

 

 

 

How can I do that to her? Maybe the prince wannabe is right, I'm dragging her to a dead end, but can anyone really blame me? Can he really blame me? No one knows how it feels like lying there beside her, enjoying the how her soft arm was brushing with mine, as her long slender fingers play with the rings I was wearing, her eyes boring hole to the ceiling as we listen intently to whatever podcasts was playing. It was only me who felt it, not him, not anyone else. The feeling that I can see everything with astounding clarity for the first time. The exhilarating feeling of endless free fall. 

 

 

 

 

 

Maybe it was the hypnotizing sound of her breathing the same air I breathe. Perhaps it was the intoxicating scent of her hair or it's probably the beaconing warmth emitting from her. It must be the storm of emotions dancing in her face as she listen attentively to every line being said or that soft small smile that was drawn on her face when I moved the strands of hair obstructing her eyes. I can not even tell, but at that moment I have never seen anyone getting as close to perfect. I have never felt as close to being perfect.

 

 

 

So no one can really blame me from blurting out those words or so I tell myself again and again. I should have known that she can make me do anything. How I wish knowing that have prevented my lapse of control. I begrudgingly agree with the prince wannabe when he voiced out his concerns. He was right, this will hurt her. It may cost her, her dreams. How can I hurt her? How selfish can I be to take away the dreams she worked so hard for?

 

 

 

I look away from the wet panes. The beauty of the raindrops chasing each other didn't look so appealing anymore. The words of prince wannabe echoes the loudest inside me, though it didn't really disrupt what seems to be my lifetime routine, like always, my eyes immediately seeks for her highness. 

 

 

 

 

People come and go in the great expanse between us. Some are idols, asking for battery change. Others are make-up artists, rushing to do finishing touches. All of them oblivious to the war going on inside my head as I watch her pout her lips and let the noonas put on her make up. She's acting like how usually does during these times, most likely out of nervousness. She's playing indifference.

 

 

 

 

How I wish she is just indifferent for real. Maybe that'll make me love her less. A little less extreme feeling for her might help me a lot, especially when those stinging words of truth from her favorite oppa is slowly driving me to the edge. I've been losing myself. I can not let it swallow me whole. 

 

 

A tap on my shoulder pulls me away from my musings. I turn a little to my left see Vic unnie’s worried face. It almost made me smile when she cups my face with her hands without warning.

 

 

 

"Amberrr stop spacing out, it looks so weird it's scaring me." She said in a fluid chinese, I look down to my lap, to avoid eye contact.

 

"Hey, look at me. Princess problems again?"

 

I look back at her concerned face and try to force a smile as I shake my head that she's still cradling.

"No Unnie, I'm just nervous. You've seen the crowd too right? It just makes me giddy with excitement." I lied without blinking. I am not really fond of lying but I don't know if I can tell her. I know she will never judge but-

 

 

"And no I do not know how to speak chinese too Am. You know you can tell me anything right?" The deep frown on her face almost made me look away, but I didn't. I can at least convince her I'm fine to stop her from worrying. 

 

 

"I'm just nervous Vic I swear. " Wiggling my head a little on her hold while smiling at her.

 

 

"Kid, I've been with you as you grow up. I even buy your tampons for you. So stop lying to me, okay?"

 

 

"Where's Luna vic unnie, she's supposed to be here already."

 

 

"She's in the toilet. Stop changing the topic and tell me already. I can't have you standing there spacing out. You're making me worry Amber." She said as she pulls my face closer to force me to look into her eyes.

 

 

I just look at her sadly because I don't know how to tell her. The concern in her face makes my stomach swirl dangerously and I hate it, I hate making her worry like this. I just honestly don’t know what or how to tell her so I pull her hands away from my face and look away. She didn't say anything else after that but she didn’t move away. I can feel her shifting on her seat but I didn’t turn to look.

 

 

 

I thought she already let the matter go because Victoria is silent for a moment. We just sit there and watch as people come and go. It is the comfortable silence rigged with questions we both know we can’t say out loud, not in a place where people can hear. I put my head on Victoria unnie’s shoulder to tell her what I can’t say out loud. We stayed like that for a while, watching people, watching Krystal until Krystal has gone to change into her outfit for the night.

 

 

 

 

I lost interest people watching after that, but I didn’t move. I just sit there feigning interest, faking a soft smile. Victoria unnie suddenly pulls me into a tight hug. It surprises me a little but I returned her embrace, allowing myself to get buried in her welcoming comfort. She holds me tight, and I am the first to let go, feeling a little ashamed for lying to her.

 

 

 

I give her a genuine llama smile before leaning my head on her shoulders again.

 

 

"Sorry Unnie. I just have a lot in mind right now. Can I tell you a secret?"

 

"it's okay buddy, I understand. What is it?" She said massaging my hands, willing me to relax.

 

"I did something really really wrong jiejie." I said softly watching her hands doing its magic on my palms.

 

"You should apologize then, nothing beats a sincere apology meimei. especially if you really mean it. What is it that you do this time anyway? Did you do a prank that has gone wrong again?"

 

"I don't think that sorry will do the trick this time jie.” I said softly not looking away from our hands. 

 

She stops massaging me and softly hits me in the arm, “Yah, where is all that negativity coming from?” her reprimanding tone reminds me of Jackie and Mom. I bury my head in her hair.

 

“I told her I love her Vic unnie.” I whispered to her hair.

 

"Stop, rewind, play. Hold up. Is what I am thinking really what I should be thinking when you said love and the person in one sentence?" She whispered back, scanning our surroundings quickly.

 

 

I just nod not taking my head off her shoulders feeling worse each second she remains silent.

 

"Oh my god, my babies are really grown up now." she said excitedly pulling my head from her shoulders and pinching both my cheeks. The bright sincere smile in her face makes me gape at her.

 

"Did you stutter kiddo?” She pause.

 

 

“…”

 

 

“Did she kiss you? She mouthed playfully still wary of the people standing a few feet away from us.

 

 

“Tell me and forget about the wrong thingy you’re saying, we have the airplane ride back to Seoul for that. Now, spill. This day is so going to be marked in my calendar." Her rapid chinese is giving me headache but I just let her. I raise my hand and open my mouth to explain how wrong she got it but she stops me by putting her hand in my mouth.

 

"W-wait. And be careful okay. Not all people will be accepting. I still don't really know how I should feel about you know, I am not against it really it's just. never mind, but you two are my precious babies and I get how the struggle is real and all so just please be careful. Now your turn. Oh Meimei I'm so happy for you." she gushes in a whispered bright tone playing with my cheeks.

 

 

"Uhh, vic unnie I am going crazy about this. Wont you tell me I am selfish, idiot or something? God you should have seen her face she was so afraid. I- I wish I havent said those words at all. She hates me." I whispered in her ear, covering my mouth just in case. My tone that reminds me of myself when I was younger and I'm telling my dad about a bad day in school. I move my hands to my hair but Vic unnie slaps it.

 

"No Amber don’t pull your hair, your fangirls won't like it messy. Now, look at me, we both know that person right? We both know how bad that person is with faking feelings. If that person looks scared then that person really is. I don't think there’s anything wrong with that since being afraid is normal. You know how things work, but that kid hating you is very unlikely. Did that kid really look like the kid hates you? I seriously doubt that." She said in slow chinese now like she's willing me to understand. Her hushed tone is almost drowning from the clamor of people still moving rapidly a few feet away from us. No one seems to be paying attention.

 

"Krys wanted to run away unnie. She hates me, but I convinced her to stay by you know. Then she starts being nice to me all of a sudden maybe because she really wanted to leave or she just don’t want me to throw tantrums. She even told me she likes me."

 

 

"I really shouldn't doubt that kid, she's always right, especially when it comes to you." Unnie looks up to Krystal who just step in the room. She greets our maknae with a wave.

 

"Jiejie are you even listening to me! It's so wrong, I shouldn't have said that. I should've stop myself from saying that. I should've just shut up. I shouldnt've-"

 

"Amber I'm sorry to say this but Krystal is right, You are stupid. Stop it you're killing your brain cells. Nothing's wrong with being honest when you mean well."

 

"But I scared her. I gave her more problems. I should be protecting her unnie. I should not be adding more stress to her insane schedule. What if I hurt her Unnie? What if?"

 

"Breathe kiddo. Will you please stop blabbering nonsense and listen to me. Calm down."

I can't calm down seriously. I dunno what to do anymore. I can't even pull my hair. I can't cry either it'll ruin the make up. We shouldn’t even be talking about this here. I'm starting to believe that llama life is one of the hardest.

"Luna! I need your help." Vic unnie says while waving her hand at our other member who is slowly emerging from a corridor to our right.

 

"What's it Ms. Songgg?" Luna teases her while patting my head.

 

"Does Soojungie hate amber? Jiejie whispered so only the three of us can hear.

 

"Is that even possible Unnie? hmmm, maybe when ambro gets too clingy to her friends, or when llama won't give her the last piece of meat but hate as in I loathe you? not happening even if hell freezes unnie."

 

"You should've seen her she-" I try interrupting them but Victoria look pointedly at me.

 

"Am I talking to you?"

"What's up unnie? Did it finally happen? Did it? kyaaaaaaa"

 

"Not the way you want it to happen Lun, but our llama here finally confessed her feelings." She whispers to Luna almost too softly, I almost didn’t hear it.

 

"Did baby jung kiss you ambro?" Luna teases me in a very low tone, looking around for anyone who might be listening to our conversation.

 

"Why is it always her that should be kissing me?" I mouthed when I was sure the closest noona is far enough to even hear our breathing and they just look at me for almost a minute. Luna looks like she wants to laugh but she's too nice to make fun of me when I'm like this, while our leader is looking at me like I have really gone mental.

 

"I won't answer that for your benefit Ambro. But seriously that princess" Luna says tilting her head to Krystal's corner. "can never hate you. No matter how dense you are, so stop thinking too much okay?"

 

"But its so wrong. It's not normal. It's forbidden, against the norm. I should not have felt that way in the first place. I don't know anymore. I should take it back." I jump from my seat just to be tackled by my members back to my seat. I wince when my back makes contact with the surface.

 

 

"You will not. It's not even possible. There's no such thing as taking what you said back. Can you please calm down. She's watching. Do you want her to worry about you too?" Vic unnie said in a stern tone putting her arms on my shoulder. I know she's itching to pull me into a headlock if not for my hair.

 

 

Luna tugs my closed fist, slowly opening them. She does not say anything when I look at her. She just smiles at me encouragingly.

 

 

"What happened really? You're not like this earlier. You even showed me that gongu-yangwa scribbles on your palm. What's wrong?"

I shake my head watching how Krystal looks at our direction with a frown.

"Oh is it the Kai ambro? I saw the two of you talking earlier. It looks so serious. Is that it?" Luna asked still in a low tone. Her voice is gentle as always. She’s not forcing me to look at her, she threads our fingers together. 

 

 

 

I look back to the window, not saying a word. I'm getting weary of lying to them. Maybe they can help me sort my thoughts out. They didn't force me to give an answer and no one speak for a while. 

 

 

The comfortable silence makes me really thankful that I have this two with me. I don't know what I'd do without them. I take a deep breathe ready to tell them whatever I can, because even though I feel so lost myself I can't really lie to this two. 

 

 

I open my mouth to start explaining but my attention was caught by a really tired looking and smiling Krystal standing directly in front of me. I want to pull her and make her seat beside or in my lap because she looks like she's dead on her feet but I did neither.

 

I just watch her as she pull Vic and Luna saying that it's time to go. She looks at me with a bewildered expression as if she's asking what's going on. I look away from her and drag myself to stand up. I can see Jongin-oppa in the corner of my eye staring at us with an unreadable expression.

 

 

Her almost staggering posture makes me want to hit my forehead on the nearest wall. I really shouldn't have listened to her and let her sneak. She should've just slept instead of listening to my dumb moment. How I wish I can say no to her every once in a while.

 

 

I walk behind the three of them trying hard to act like I normally do. I greet everyone I know and have a little chat with each of them when they start small talks. It was hard at first but I think I'm doing well. Atleast I can stop thinking of the present ordeal.

 

I lost sight of my members after some time but I just shrug it off. I'm sure they'll just wait for me in the spot like they usually do. The sense of familiarity in this situation, clear some of the thoughts fogging my head. It brings back my focus. It's a relief that thinking about the fans brought back some of my sanity. It helps me succeed in forcing the demons back to the crowded closet even just for a few hours.

 

 

 

After a very energetic koala hug from one of the hairstylist I find myself face to face with an old friend. The same smile that used to take away my thinking ability is plastered on her lips. The same bright warm eyes that used to melts me on the spot, moves the way they usually do, they seemed to be caressing every inch of my face.

 

"Konnichiwa bear-chan" I said smiling brightly. I haven't seen her for a month I think and it feels so nice to see her again. She's been one of the constant part of my days before our debut even years after that. We just grew apart I guess. Well considering we are not hanging out as much as we do before.

 

She shoves me playfully and laugh at my forced japanese accent.

 

"Hi Amber Unnie." I blink at her rapidly with that simple greeting. Same sweet voice that never talks to me harshly unlike-

 

"Seulgi!" I am really starting to hate hearing that native korean drawl.

 

"I'll see you around unnie." she says walking away, but not before she plant an innocent kiss on my cheeks. "Kai wait up!"

 

 

***

 

 

She is walking in slow motion smiling at me shyly. She takes each step carefully letting the red dress she's wearing flutter with the soft winds joining our moment on the roof top. She did the curtsy thing when she stops, a step away from me. I have to laugh to distract myself from taking her in.

 

 

"Congratulations Big Bear!" she said leaning a little closer. Her eyes are looking at me innocently. The warm brown orbs drawing me to her. Her hands are on her back and it shows just how comfortable she is to the lack of distance between us.

 

 

 

I mess her hair laughing as she whines about how it took an hour to arrange the ringlets adorning her long black hair.

 

 

 

A strong wind blows again, distracting me from staring at her lips for too long after we stopped laughing. She really should stop pouting.

 

 

I let go of a big sigh and look away from her before things get out of control.

 

 

"hey, why the long face? Didn't you like seeing me, it's been two weeks since we hang out. I missed you" She said in a very innocent tone. I just stare at her, putting on my thinking hard face. Enjoying the hint of annoyance touching her features. 

 

 

 

She suddenly takes a step closer.

 

 

 

The tip of my sneakers are touching the tip of her tennis shoes. I look at her curiously, enjoying the moment as I watch her look back and forth from our shoes to my face.

 

 

"Can I hug you unnie? you're getting famous each minute I might not be able to do it again." She asked in the same tone.

 

 

"What if I say no baby bear?" I replied, unconsciously leaning in.

 

 

Our noses are almost touching. The skinship makes me warm inside so I didn't pull away.

 

"Will,. I -you I mean. Hmm, You will big bear?" she’s stuttering and the bright pink in her ivory cheeks is clearly visible despite our current lighting conditions. Who knows that moonlight can have such profound effects to the surroundings although it would have been better if there are stars.

 

 

She really looks beautiful this close. 

 

 

Maybe it's the skinship or the hypnotizing effects of the moonlight, for the nth time my eyes dips from her eyes to her lips. She must have notice but she keeps her gaze locked with mine. I watch as her long eyelashes flutter a little she moves to close the distance.

 

 

 

My eyes remain open when her lips connects with mine not because I didn't like it but because the warm orbs are replace by cold onyx eyes before her eyelids shuts close. A shiver runs through my spine before I surrender to the feel of her warm lips touching mine. It's a close mouthed kiss reflecting the purity of her intentions. I know I should pull away because I thought of those cold orbs before I close my eyes, but I can't, I wanted this, or so I was telling myself. I-

 

 

 

"Amber! I broke your highscore!, heh, I told you I can beat..." the rest of the sentence got lost as a howling wind blew. The strongest one so far since the night started.

 

"Sorry, I didn't see anything."

I open my eyes in time to feel the droplets hit my nose. It's starting to rain. I can still see the silhouette of the girl with cold onyx eyes walking briskly to the fire exit.

 

 

The girl in front of me is watching my reaction closely. As if contemplating what are the basics after a girl kisses another girl. I take a step back, my mind already racing for a good explanation to the girl whose shadow is slowly disappearing.

 

I kiss her forehead and mumble a soft apology. She’s just watching me. Her hands are unmoving on her sides. The sad look in her beautiful eyes breaks my heart but I shrugged my jacket off and place it on her shoulders before sprinting to catch the person who breaks our moment.

 

I did not look back when I hear Seulgi call my name.

 

"I'm sorry."

 

The elevator ride helps me straighten my thoughts and get my breathing even. I didn't even know what to say, or why it felt like I should explain myself but I know I should. The rain is already pouring when I step out of the lobby searching for her. Some people look at me curiously maybe because the shirt I'm wearing is too big for me or maybe because they recognize me. Seulgi is right I’m getting known.

 

I smile at some of the onlookers, thinking hard for the possible places where that girl might go. I stand there contemplating until thunder claps somewhere. It stops the overthinking and start running again. The rain is already soaking my clothes but I keep my pace. I continue scampering with really no destination in mind. I need to find her. That's the only thought in my head as I whiz pass the pavements.

 

My feet brings me to the place where little jung and I usually practice my korean during weekends. I can barely catch my breath and my vision is almost blacking out but I keep on moving. The muddy terrain makes me slip twice but I just keep on standing back up. I'll just catch my breath when I found her.

 

She's under one of the waiting sheds, unbelievably not as soaked as I am. She's glaring at the phone on her hands while mumbling to herself.

 

The skinny jeans and plain shirt topped with (my) the red checkered flannel she's wearing makes her stand out in the dimlight provided by the dingy fluorescent lamp on top of her. Seulgi is beautiful, but that girl who's glaring at me is more than beautiful. I can't even define it with my mediocre Korean vocabulary.

 

 

Krystal pulls me forcefully to bring my dripping form under the roof.

 

"STUPID! why didn't turn your hat? What are you doing here?!" she asked irritated. Her arms are crossed and she's talking to me like an adult. She don’t even look like she's waiting for my answer because she takes intimidating steps closer to me, and leans close.

 

 

She pinches me hard in the side. Then looking directly in my eyes, she said "You told me she was not your girlfriend but you’re kissing her. Why are you lying to me amber?"

 

"I-she's not. She-seulgi's a, friend. Yes she's just a friend." I stuttered, feeling slightly uncomfortable because of her close proximity. Her cold onyx eyes are boring holes into my soul. The evident irritation on her face almost makes me smile. It’s just that I really fear for my life when she’s like this. She moves closer, her breathe is fanning my face and it’s making me dizzy.

 

 

 

I am shivering, but I don't know if it's because of the rain or because of her closeness. Her unwavering dark orbs moves downwards for a split second I'm not sure if I really saw it happen. All I can see is pitch black as I return her gaze but it feels right.

 

 

"You are telling the truth stupid?" She asked slowly in english not bothering to move her face a little farther from mine.

 

 

"Yes" I mumbled, trying hard to look away from her eyes.

 

 

"Good, she's too pretty for you llama." She replied, finally taking a step back. 

 

 

My brain is still trying hard to process what she's doing to me, but she pulling me again, this time away from the refuge of the shed.

 

 

"Soojung-ah, what are you doing?" I asked cautiously.

 

 

 

"We are playing under the rain llama, Come on!"

 

 

 

"What?!, you'll catch cold, bad idea Krys."

 

 

"Are you saying no to me now?"

 

 

She looks back at me challengingly, a smirk etched in her face. Her onyx eyes are glinting with mirth and I can only laugh at myself when I intertwine our fingers and pull her to the middle of the empty lot beside the Han river.

 

 

"Your mom is going to be mad at me."

 

 

"That's your problem amber not mine?" Krystal said while giggling.

 

 

 

We have already stopped walking and she's just tugging my arms back and forth forcing me to spin in circles with her.

 

Laughter echoes all over the place but I didn't care. I just let her do whatever she wants and follow suit. It's the happiest I've ever felt since the schedules starts mounting and the fun gets mixed up with the harshness of the real world.

 

 

She stops making the two of us spin after a while. She must be really feeling dizzy because I have to hold her waist and pull her a little closer to stop her from falling face first in the ground.

 

 

She didn't comment about my hand on her waist. She actually did not even make a move to pull my hands away from her. She just let it be, as she looks up trying to see the moon despite the rain.

 

 

"It's beautiful." she mumbles in her alluring English drawl.

 

 

I'm shivering so hard my teeth are almost chattering but I will my hands to keep still on her waist. I don't want to distract her. It's really not a good idea playing in the rain when I'm already soaked, but seeing her like this, smiling contentedly with her eyes closed, I don't care if I'll get hypothermia or something.

 

"Yes it is." I answered in the language she patiently helps me study.

 

 

She opens her eyes when she hears that, her cold onyx eyes piercing me like xray visions. I will not be surprise if she can see directly through my soul. I just look back at hear, returning the intensity of her gaze.

 

 

They say you'll feel butterflies, but I can't feel any. Her stare is too cold for the butterflies to come out, but I feel like heaven can wait because this must be how it feels like. It feels like my existence matters. I feel whole. I feel like I'm on a free fall.

 

 

I continue staring at the pitch-dark orbs, allowing myself to fall in the abyss. I'd always willingly fall as long as it's on that abyss.

 

The raindrops continue to make me shiver, as I let our song guide my body into the beat. The rain hides everything from thousands of spectators who know us now.

 

Princess and I cannot play under the rain and watch the moon anymore, but my eyes can keep on seeking those onyx orbs and continue the freefall even for just the moments like this, until it stops pouring.