Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you just want to shout and throw tantrums and just disappear from the floor where you were sitting on? It is awful and dreadful. I am feeling scared and pathetic. Add being giddy and happy, all that sappy feel in my bones and the annoying tingling of my nerves to that.

 

 

 

 

 

I can’t even find it in me to hate them (our friends and managers) at the moment, no matter how much I wish this moment isn’t happening because getting locked in close quarters with the Krystal isn’t really that new to me, not even getting locked with a passive aggressive Jung is. It’s just that getting locked with her on the practice room, with all the mirrors and the angry tears that are currently falling down her beautiful face makes me want to, yes, shout and throw tantrums, and just disappear from here because I know I am at fault and it hurts to see her cry. I wouldn’t mind my llama lot disowning me for this.

 

 

 

 

Telling the truth would’ve been easier than watching her be this way but I can’t. There are those kind of truths that are better left unsaid. She will get through this. I know she will.

 

 

 

 

She is the Krystal Jung and at the moment she is still mad and sad, very very sad, and I badly wish I could do more than just watch. I don’t mind that she is mad, but I do mind that she is sad. I mind it a lot.

 

 

 

I wish I could just tell her, and promise things that obviously won’t happen at this point. Not even miracles could sort this out because no I refuse to drag her with me on this mess, even if it breaks me.

 

 

 

 

It that I miss her too, so much, and this --- me and her sitting on the cold floor in the middle of a mirrored room that has seen it all--- is a very very bad idea, but it is necessary. Everyone who knew and even those who don’t, knows that this is a must.

 

 

 

 

 

We have to perform as f(x) soon. Krystal and I could do the dancing and singing through muscle memory and we could do it very well by just that, but we are idols we can’t just sing and dance while looking like how we are now.

 

 

 

Krystal looks like she wants to murder me and/or fake her own death to get away from everything and blame it on me. I won’t be surprised if she will do that, she loves Gone Girl very much. Not that I am ambitious enough to think that I can be her partner many years later. It just comes to my mind as I observe her closely.

 

 

 

 

The blank look on her face is scary, and attractive, the kind of intimidating that is attractive which is so wrong in many levels.

 

 

 

 

She is just looking back at me with those cold onyx eyes that I can’t seem to unlove and she seems to have lost the weight she has gained from the vacation months. Despite the cold stare, she looks glummer than I have been for days. It isn’t really what I expected when I see her again.

 

 

 

She hates showing vulnerability more than I did. We have established that after many bickering and pointless arguments a few life times ago. She loves her independence and she loves proving to people how she really don’t need anyone or anything, but not on that arrogant sort of way. She just loves being her person, unfraid and honest.

 

 

 

An independent young lady, that is soft and strong all the same. The kind who could live without you but you could not live without. It is cheesy, pathetic and hopeless and my friends would probably snicker themselves to the grave but they obviously don’t know anything when they claimed that I could actually move on from this because Krystal Jung is just another girl.

 

 

 

 

She isn’t. I insist to no one in my head, feeling pissed for a few seconds.

 

 

 

 

Seeing her now, looking like the little Soojung who sat on the corner of this very room, when she was fourteen because the choreographer told her she was nothing like her sister and will be nothing like her, makes me feel more and more terrible than I have since a few hours ago when our practice has started. We were able to keep the façade that we are okay, until it’s just the two of us left in the room.

 

 

 

 

 

Krystal is obviously not okay.

 

 

 

 

I want her to speak first, to curse me and slap me, call me names. Coldly dismiss me from the room, but she didn’t. She keeps her silence until it is ringing on my ears, awakening all my demons and I though she wouldn’t speak anymore but she did.

 

 

 

 

I almost wish that she didn’t.

 

 

 

 

 

“Are you happy?” were the first words she said. She spoke on her vulnerable tone, I knew it so well, I’ve heard it before.

 

 

 

 

“Yes.”

 

 

 

I am obviously lying, but truths are sad, and she’s already too sad for my liking. I look at my reflection on the gargantuan mirrors instead of her beautiful face. I’m sorry, I love you, I’m sorry.

 

 

 

“Stop lying to me.”

 

 

 

 

“Why are you so fond of asking me things and not believing me when I answer? You asked and I answered.”

 

 

 

“You are not happy.”

 

 

 

“I am.”

 

 

 

“Bull. When was the last time you sleep? Are you that ecstatic of your “relationship” that you can’t sleep”

 

 

 

There goes the cussing, the annoyingly attractive cussing.

 

 

 

 

“Krys..”

 

 

“Tell me the truth before I force it out of you.”

 

 

 

“Let it go please. Just shake my hand then we’ll have a truce and we can both get out of this room. That’s all they’re asking for.”

 

 

 

 

“Why are you such a coward you stupid piece of –--”

 

 

 

She stops mid-sentence to move closer. She's hovering over me all of sudden. It is an unfair advantage and my heart is stuttering non-stop. My mind has gone blank for unknown annoying reasons.

 

 

 

 

Just a few inches and I am a dead llama. She’s going to the kissing route I should’ve known she would choose that tactic, or am I day dreaming.

 

 

 

“I knew you were talking to my sister.”

 

 

 

It was a statement. She is so sure of her words and it felt like my head doubled its size when she whispered that to my face.

 

 

 

Her eyes are piercing my soul, as cold quickly creeps on to my nerves. I blink at her a few times. The smell of her breath is starting to make me feel dizzy.

 

 

 

“You were, I knew it, she was acting dodgy and she has her guilty eyebrow wiggle the last time I mentioned your name.” Krystal was probably talking to herself, but so was I.

 

 

I am stacking up adjectives, because what else can I do? Any attempt to move or push her she will kiss me, and kissing is out of the question. Krystal and I, we can’t be, not on this universe or this lifetime, not this year or on the next ones after.

 

 

Krystal, my Krystal in my dreams, she was breathing heavily,

 

 

 

 

Intimidating.

 

 

 

 

Independent.

 

 

 

Perceptive.

 

 

 

Smart.

 

 

 

Clever.

 

 

 

Beautiful.

 

 

 

 

very beautiful

 

 

 

 

and a .

 

 

 

All the air got knocked off of my lungs and my head hits the floor with the soft tud when Krystal suddenly pressed on to my shoulders with her body weight. It’s a great maneuver and she sits on my torso for good measure while pinning both my hands on the sides of my face.

 

 

 

I try to wrestle myself off of her hold but it is pointless. My body is betraying me too. She moves her face closer to mine until we are almost kissing. I could even count her eye lashes if I want to.

 

 

 

At least I know that she won’t kiss me right away. Knowing her, she will tease the truth out of me. She should have said that when she threatened me. Not that I am afraid of her. She is very wrong if she think she can win on this one. Not this time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am a strong llama with the Krystal mania, she can’t-

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Krystal is crying.

 

 

 

 

 

My cheeks are getting wet, are the only thoughts that are running through my mind as I stare at her. It isn’t angry tears anymore. It isn’t even like the sad tears from when we watched the sunrise.

 

 

 

 

There are sorry tears on my cheeks, along those sorts. Resigned tears, tired tears, she is giving up on me. The silent tears and the vulnerable look on her eyes says it all. I wish she would just give up on me.

 

 

 

 

 

“Tell me you love me not her, not that girl”

 

 

 

 

She is pleading. Krystal never pleads, not like this, not for something as quintessential and petty as love. I can only look at her.

 

 

 

“Tell me. I am your other half not her”

 

 

 

“...”

 

 

 

“You’re lying, tell me I am the one not her, not anyone else, that you would love me today and tomorrow even when I’m not begging and crying.”

 

 

 

“shhhh.” I can only murmur to ask her to stop saying words she didn’t mean.

 

 

She isn’t restraining my movements anymore but I can’t move. My mouth won’t work properly and my fingers are useless, too. I can only lay still and quietly ask her to stop saying things that we both know didn’t mean with my eyes.

 

 

 

 

She loves me, I know she does, but not like this.

 

 

 

Krystal won’t not ever, my mind is rejecting, the idea, the situation. Her tears are burning me, my face is getting wet.

 

 

 

 

“This is what you want right?”

 

 

 

“Soojung no.”

 

 

“Here it is, look at me Amber.”

 

 

“Please”

 

 

Krystal can barely speak as she whispers the last word and I could not take it anymore. I wipe the tears on her cheeks as gently as I could, but the tears that won’t stop. Why won’t it stop?

 

 

 

 

“You want me to lay it all in the open. Like you did, I am doing it, not as grand and as eloquent and as great but all the same“

 

 

 

“Stop it, please stop it.” I said softly moving slowly to wipe her tears so as not to startle her.

 

 

“I’m in love with you. I’ll make it easy, I’ll-“

 

 

“Stop it!”

 

 

The silence is back as soon as those words left my mouth. It was forceful and harsh and so unlike me but she is doing something she would regret in a few hours or days and it feels like the silence is carving the words coward in my soul but I let it be.

 

 

I am coward alright, but this is not the Krystal I know. It is a scene out of my nightmares. I won't let her do this to herself.

 

 

 

We are both breathing heavily, and exhausted but neither of us moves or speaks. Her weight makes my skin and bones ache or it’s probably her tears, I can not tell.

 

 

 

The silence is starting to get suffocating so I force myself to speak.

 

 

 

“Princess.”

 

 

“Don’t.” Her voice isn’t pleading anymore, but still hoarse. Thank all the llamas she isn’t being whatever she was a moment ago.

 

 

 

 

 

“You don’t believe me, why won’t you believe me?” Krystal was asking me something calmly still straddling me, still invading my personal space, breathing the air my lungs are barely expelling.

 

 

That’s all I could understand from the situation, not her words. What is she doing?

 

 

 

“You promised me, someday.”

 

 

Someday. Yes, someday made sense.

 

 

“I did. I’m not taking it back.”

 

 

“But you don’t believe me when I tell you I love you.”

 

 

“I...”

 

 

“Do you really think I will kiss you every chance I get if I don’t?”

 

 

“Why are you asking me this Krys? We’re supposed to be having truce so we could act properly in front of the crowd.”

 

 

“Never mind, kissing is part of my work, right, bad argument. Do you really think I would cry at all if I was lying when I say I love you? Do you really think it’s as easy as that? Just saying it, I mean fine. Saying it is so easy, but I mean it. You have to believe that I do.”

 

 

“Can we at least sit more comfortably?”

 

 

 

My answers and her questions don’t match of course but I can’t listen to what she was actually saying. Things are a mess but they are settling slowly. I just have to focus on what must be done.

 

 

 

 

 

I know she loves me. I’ve always known, but not this way.

 

 

 

 

“Amber.”

 

 

I move to sit up and get away from her when she says my name like that. She should stop this, whatever this is. We’ve establish things. We aren’t strictly platonic yes, but we stopped at that. We aren’t into it this deep.

 

 

 

We shouldn’t be.

 

 

 

 

Krystal loves me, I’ve considered, but not this way. I repeated loudly in my head to stop the false hopes, to kill the daydreams, to keep me grounded.

 

 

 

 

Thankfully she didn’t fight me with the intended distance. She remains where she is, when I gently moved her away from me, but of course I can’t run away.

 

 

 

There are mirrors everywhere. Her cold onyx eyes are everywhere.

 

 

 

“Would it sound weird or stupid if I wish that today is someday?”

 

 

“Don’t think so.” I answered truthfully, because if I was being honest, I wished the same. I don’t want to lie to her any more than I should.

 

 

 

 

“If today was someday, would you believe me then?”

 

 

“Krystal we are not discussing this.”

 

 

 

 

“But today is someday, and I am telling you I love you, that I’m in love with you, and Elin should be me.”

 

 

 

She isn’t crying anymore, but the stars on her eyes are dead, dying. They are dimming. I'm a coward but I can’t do this to her.

 

 

 

“If today was someday, I would tell you I love you more, that I have been in love with you since the day you caught me kissing Seulgi on the rooftop. That there was no Elin, it has always been you.

 

 

“Thank you.”

 

 

"Krystal ...”

 

 

“Don’t worry I get it. Sorry for everything.”

 

 

“No, I’m sorry. Please don’t apologize.”

 

 

“It’s okay stupid, really, I get it.”

 

 

She’s standing up and I follow suit, striding quickly to assist her when she stumbles a bit. Krystal rarely ever stumbles. I look at her worriedly.

 

 

 

 

 

She didn’t seem fazed. She is acting like nothing happened.

 

 

“Best friends.”

 

 

She fakes a smile with an offered hand shake. I stare at it, her hand is trembling slightly like her lower lip. I ignore the trembling for her sake, or for mine. I don’t care, I couldn’t care. I am a coward and I am weak, so I embraced her tightly.

 

 

 

 

My left hand threads its way through her hair, taking off her messy bun as my right arm circles around her waist. She didn't protest. She didn't say anything and I couldn’t help but smile stupidly at our reflection on the mirror as she buries her nose on my neck.

 

 

“It’s still someday.”

 

 

I feel her nod, and she is smiling too, I’m sure she is.

 

 

“You are beautiful, I love you.”