I close my eyes when you move closer. My breathing gets uneven and I have to part my lips a little to control it. My hands in my sides are trembling. I am panicking. Your words are still ringing in my ears. Your warmth is pulling me closer, but I don't know what to do. What should I do?!

Soft warm lips touches the tips of my nose in a feather like kiss.

Oh my God! You're going to kiss me. A raise my hand to pull you closer or to stop you. I don't know. I --

A deep long sigh escape my lips when I feel your forehead touch mine. I can feel my bangs sticking to your skin. It distracts me a lil bit, but it didn't help calming my nerves.

 

 

"shhh. It’s okay soojung.. Look at me."

 

I shake my head hard which is a really bad idea because my nose brushes with yours when I did that. I can feel small volts of electricity travel my body like oxygen. It tingles down till the end of my toes.

 

It's scaring me. You make me feel like I am a child left alone in the middle of 5th avenue, while, you remind my senses of the first time I successfully baked cookies. It felt euphoric, surreal. It felt divine especially when I took a bite and it actually taste so good, this felt so good like the tingling of my nerve endings.

 

 

I feel you pull yourself away from me and I take it as my chance to stand up and leave. I am always brave when it comes to physical activities and challenges because it gives me the thrill but I am never good with emotional stuff. I can't take all the things that you’re making me feel, not now. Not yet. Not when those words, the heartfelt words that you said are pressing on my shoulders like a heavy weight.

 

You embrace my waist to stop me from walking away from you. You are on your knees hugging my waist as hard as you could. I try to take your hands of me, but you shake your head.

 

 

"Amber unnie, I- uhm- I, you."

"10 more minutes."

"I can't."

"7.5 more minutes soojungie. Please."

 

"I don't know what to say."

 

"You don't have to say anything."

 

"But you said. You said that"

 

"Yes, Krystal I love you. It's not a question, it does not require an answer."

 

"But its human nature to expect something at least when those words are said."

 

"I am a llama soojung-ah those rules does not apply."

 

"Not funny. Stand up."

 

You just shake your head again.

 

"Stand up, Amber we need to go back."

"Just 5 more minutes, princess. Pretend that you like hearing what I said. Please act like this was a movie and that you don't hate me for those words, that you love hearing me talk like an shakespearean dumbo. Please, do this for me. I need this. I am losing myself. I need a concrete ground. I need you. Please, don't hate me."

 

"I don't hate you. So stand up, we're going back now, text uncle takeo."

 

 

You lock your arms around me tighter. Not moving an inch.

 

 

"Give me your phone then Amber, please stop doing this." I said softly brushing your hair with my fingers. It feels calming running my hands through its short strands, I wish your hair was longer.

 

 

"You hate me." you said after a while.

 

 

"I do not hate you stupid. You're my best llama friend remember. You'll always be my best friend. That I can promise you. You know I always keep my promises, right? So please stand up now."

 

"Best friends don't french kiss each other Krystal."

 

I look up in a silent prayer for patience to anyone who'll listen because you're making this really difficult. The hotness on my cheeks did nothing to alleviate the seriousness of the situation.

 

 

"You can be my sister. You and jackie unnie. We can all be princesses. I'll even let you be a prince if you want, so please listen to your princess sister and free your knees from your weight, you'll numb your legs." I reason out as I continue running my fingers through your hair.

 

"But I dont want to be the witch's sister. I don't want to be your sister either!"

 

You're whining like a kid. Seriously, it's been so long since we acted like this. When you'll be on your difficult mood and I'll have to be the one to stop you from doing anything stupid like right now. Who in their right mind will kneel down this long?

 

"Okay, okay prince amber, you are not my sister. Geez, it's as if I look that bad. Just tell me what you want, I'll do it as long as it's reasonable and possible. In exchange I want you to stand up. Fair?" I try saying in a soft tone because it’s how one is supposed to talk to you when you're in this mood. It's the best way, any other way would result to an hour longer of kneeling. I caress your ear that is not attached to my tummy. I can't help it. It looks so cute.

 

"Trust me again." You whisper so softly, I almost didn't hear you.

 

"Can we please talk this out like normal people baby boy?" I tried again, trying too pull you up gently.

 

"I’m not a boy!" was your very loud answer. I can feel you pouting and I giggled at that.

 

 

"hahaha, baby can we please settle this the conventional way, so I can hear you properly?"

 

You look up at me. Leaning your chin on my tummy, you're using your big brown doe eyes on me again. How I wish I can look away because the fuzzy feeling inside me seems to be tickling my fingertips.

 

"The prince demands your word of honor princess, that if I let go you won't walk out." 

 

 

The ridiculous formal tone that you used when you said that makes me laugh, throwing my head back. You are really better off being a singer and dancer. 

 

"You said you’re not a boy but you call yourself prince stupid. You're confusing me."

 

I have to say that. I have to tease you. I have to make you stop making those eyes.

 

"I am not, I’m a y llama but you like prince better than a servant and a llama, so be it. I am a prince too."

 

"I never said I don't like llamas stupid. You have my word that I'll stay if you let go, so can you please stand up now?" I replied, coaxing you to stand up again, massaging the back of your head to calm you down since you look like you're a kid who's about to throw tantrums. I don't think I have any more patience left for tantrums.

 

 

"You don't have to princess. I know you like Kai better than me. He's a prince wannabe so I'll be a prince. You'll like me more." 

 

"We are not 12 anymore Amber. But for the record, I never like Kai, okay? So on your feet now you big baby, please." I said with a frown, brushing your hair off your face.

 

 

"Will that make you like llamas more than prince wannabes?"

 

I just nod my head looking at you. It made you smile and you hurriedly stood up. Your knees are wiggling hard so I let you lean your weight on me. I help you settle on a more comfortable sitting position. Then I followed suit. You're legs are stretched out in front of you while you lean your head heavily on the wall behind us.

 

 

I’m still feel confused about everything. My feelings, my reactions, everything. It's so scary because it's too foreign. Maybe Jessica unnie was right, I’m social illiterate especially when it comes to feelings and other people.

 

You’re not helping my confusion by your silence. I don't know what I want to hear from you anymore, but I need to express myself and I can only do that if you'll talk more and give me my opening to start the kind of conversation that I dread even on my dramas.

 

I pull your hair hard when you lean your head on my shoulder after a moment. You're making yourself uncomfortable again. You're almost 2 inches taller than me, babo.

 

"That's for kneeling long. Are you insane? You might injure yourself! You can't get injured hours before the concert stupid!" I scolded you while you make whimpering sounds still refusing to take your head off my shoulder.

 

 

"It's the only way to make you stay Krys."

 

"No its not! You could have just asked. Besides I am not going to leave I was supposed to pick up my phone." I lied, letting my hands fall back on my lap.

 

 

"You will leave me. You hate me. I can feel your unease princess. I'm sorry." You said, your chin on my shoulders.

 

I look back at you, determined to settle everything. You're nervous your eyebrows are giving you away, but you held my gaze. My phone is ringing again but we both ignore it.

 

"I don't hate you, you just scare me."

You kiss my shoulder softly, assuring me. "I'm sorry for dropping the L-bomb on you princess, but please stay, I said that to let you know, not..not to demand anything. Please don't leave me."

 

"I wish I can tell you I feel the same Amber."

 

"It's okay, I understand. Just promise you won't leave me."

 

"Who says I will leave you stupid?” I asked, getting annoyed. I can take it when you’re being childish and annoying. I can take it when you are being bipolar but not this. You look so down and depressed. This is just so not you.

 

"I can feel it. You don't have to act so nice to me every time. You can act how you feel. Trust me again Soojung-ah."

 

"I trust you. I sneaked with you stupid. I let you close to me." I almost screamed at your face. 

 

"No you don't. You don't trust me that I won't kiss you without your permission. I felt it, you’re uncomfortable. You want to get away. You don't trust me enough to tell me honestly that you like Kai. You don't trust me to comfort you not until I feign indifference. No you don't trust me that much for you to tell me honestly how you feel."

 

I pull your face from my shoulder when you said that. You got it all wrong you idiot. I forcefully move your face close to me, so that you’re looking directly in my eyes.

 

"I.Trust.You. You just have to trust me too stupid and for the last time I don’t like him. I like you. I do like you enough that I am tolerating your irrational whining. I like you enough that I let you harass me with your hugs and kisses. Have you ever seen me let anyone do that to me without me reacting violently?"

 

I move your face from side to side to force a head shake and answer my question myself.

 

"I like you stupid. Will that be enough? I hope it is enough because that's the only thing I can give you now. Give me more time. I'll give you a better speech, something better than the cringe a while ago."

 

You just nod your head this time without my help.

 

"So now can I please have my llama back because I don't think I can take talking to you at your abnormal state anymore." I let go of your face feeling elated. The huge weight in my chest now gone, as I see you grin at me the way you usually do again.

 

 

Oh god, this day is so much more intense than my drama filming.

 

"Can I ask you a stupid question before we go back to the stadium princess?" You said looking away from me as you carefully thread your fingers with mine.

 

"Sure." I replied, willing my hand not go sweaty.

"Does that count as our first kiss?"

 

"What?!" 

 

"Err, you know, we have kissed 5x already, two of those does not count because we are both intoxicated and we are just fooling around. It’s.. those does not involve tongues so not counted right?"

 

 

 

I just stare at you, blinking rapidly. The hotness in my cheeks burning every minute, slithering to the tips of my ears. I need to fan my face.

 

 

"The other one is by accident and it actually lasted for like less than a second." you continued, trying to act nonchalant then you hold the back of your neck with your other hand. At least you have the decency to look the slightest bit uncomfortable.

 

 

"That does not count as well right? The L.A. accident definitely does not count either because we are drunk as hell and it's more of necking than kissing. I don’t want our first kiss to be a hormone driven frenzy so let's agree not to include that okay?"

 

By now I am trying desperately for you to let go of my fingers but you held onto me. I can feel the hotness in my face extend to my collarbone every minute I let you talk.

 

 

"So that's our first kiss right Soojung? We are both sober and we are not hormonal teenagers when that happen. It's not about the tongue I swear. Although, another stupid question. Where did you learn to do that?"

 

I can not take it anymore. I elbowed you hard in the stomach and smack you hard in the head to stop you from talking.

"I refuse to answer your questions. It’s uncalled for Amber-unnie. Let me see your knees."

 

 

***

 

Manager oppa was furiously, talking to the staff as I let them help me prepare for the concert. I know he's just redirecting his anger because I can’t lose my concentration minutes before the concert.

 

You help me sneak back here after you trick me into writing Japanese phrases on your skin. At least, manager oppa only saw your jacket and not your llama face because I think we'll be in a more serious trouble.

 

I don't feel too bad about it though. It feels nice, acting and feeling like I am young and naive again.

 

The vibrations on the ground pulls me away from my thoughts. Manager oppa is looking at me while shaking his head but he didn't say anything. It'll be our group's turn any minute now.

 

Oppa look back at me meaningful one last time before disappearing through the door. I know I not off the hook, but I don't feel like worrying about it anymore. I am busy feeling giddy because I'll see you again.