The world was in slow motion, and everything was vividly playing before my eyes. It was a dream, but it wasn’t the slow mo and the vividness that gave it away. She was here, Krystal was walking towards me.

 

 

 

She has a cheeky smile on her face. Her eyes were as bright as the stars that were blinking down upon us. We were at a cliff, probably somewhere in Jeju or somewhere near a shore. It was scenic. Indeed the world was a beautiful place at night, but not as beautiful as Krystal, never as beautiful as my favorite version of her. The happy one, the version of her that I swore to all the constellations, and even to the moon is best, the version that was the best perk of being a part of her life.

 

 

 

She was skipping. It wasn’t anything I got to watch every day so I indulged myself. I got lost, on the slow motion vividness of her grace. I watched in awe, as she slowly covered the distance between us with the brightness I would fight tooth and nail for her to keep. I would give anything, everything to keep this version of her unchanged.

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve given all I could give to keep it hers, and I was lost, so lost on the view of the Krystal, smiling my favorite smile so I almost didn’t notice that she was already two steps in front of me. She has her hands behind her as she leaned forward, scrutinizing my face. It was a dream, but I could feel the coldness from her eyes seeping through my bones.

 

 

 

Dark and cold, exquisite, crystalline, her eyes were boring holes on my face, through my soul. It was terrifying, but I couldn’t look away too engrossed in the cold that was so unique of her. There was the hatred I saw in her eyes, weeks ago. The pain, the betrayal, she wanted me to bleed and break.

 

 

 

I would let her break me. I would have let her bleed me dry but she didn’t touch me. Even in my dreams she didn’t want me anymore. I would beg if I have to, but I wasn’t able to.

 

 

 

 

The dream Krystal closed her eyes, freeing me from trance before disappearing like dust particles carried away by a sudden howling wind. I tried to catch the dust, grasping on nothing ‘till each particle was gone.

 

 

 

 

I was left alone at that cold beautiful place under the starlit sky, I couldn’t even cry.

 

 

 

 

Then I was awake.

 

 

 

My phone was ringing incessantly beside my pillow but I tried to ignore it. It was probably reality checking if I was still alive for the torture. Llamas, I am proud, were resilient lots. I’ll thrive till all the torture was over, it was the only thing left to do now. I did my part of the bargain.

 

 

 

 

The phone stopped ringing after a few more annoying seconds. I picked it up to check, there was a message from the caller too.

 

 

 

 

 

It was Yuri unnie, she wants us to meet at that bistro again. The timing was very odd and amiss but unnie probably needs me. I should be there. I must be. I’ve already been too helpless on my own problems at least I got to be helpful for someone else.

 

 

 

 

 

I slowly got up from bed, moving the comforters gently to avoid messing the papers on top of it. I’ve realized just a few days ago how motivational a broken heart was for song writing.

 

 

 

 

The words just pour, with the sad melody that won’t seem to leave me alone for days. I stared nostalgic at my guitar on its lone corner before moving languidly to get ready to meet Yuri.

 

 

 

 

My limbs felt like lead but I moved purposefully avoiding any space in my apartment that reminds me of Krystal, which unfortunately was everywhere. Every single corner, space, surface has memories of her and I don’t know what to do anymore, I just want it to stop and let me breathe.

 

 

 

It was the most viable option, or so I force myself to believe for days. It was almost impossible.

 

 

 

 

Here’s the thing. Krystal she hates me for understandable reasons, and I probably hate me more than she did, but you got to do what you got to do. It . How I wish it doesn’t have to be the way it was.

 

 

 

 

There was guilt that was more paralyzing than sadness and though Elin was a very willing participant and technically Krystal and I weren’t in a relationship, there was an annoying squeaky voice at the back of my head, that was harshly telling me off how I was a terrible person.

 

 

 

 

I was a terrible person and that thought stayed with me even until I was done getting dressed and up until I got seated on the car Yuri has arranged for our meet up.

 

 

 

 

The chauffer offered a friendly smile, which I tried to return without grimacing. I hate how I have become these days. I need to pull myself together before facing my friend. Too morose, it makes me cringe.

 

 

 

My eyes closed almost involuntarily as I got settled on my seat. Krystal was there at the back of my eyelids. She was looking at me with those cold eyes. It has been so long since she has looked at me like that.

 

 

 

 

I opened my eyes, panting a little. I was sweating though the car’s AC was set on a high cold temperature. The blurry LED lights beyond the tinted windows were suddenly making me dizzy. The queasiness in my stomach made me whimper softly to myself. Today was a bad timing day.

 

 

 

 

Thankfully we stopped in front of the Bistro’s VIP entrance before I threw up all the bubble tea I’ve consumed.

 

 

 

 

A bistro staff offered an upbeat greeting before escorting me to Yuri. I managed a friendlier hello back with a genuine smile at the staff. It made my stomach settle down a little.

 

 

 

 

It was a short walk on a narrow corridor towards the room where Yuri was supposedly waiting. I shook my arms and shoulders to make the nerves go away. I was nervous, for unknown reasons. It was just Yuri, I’ve faced the worst this month.

 

 

 

 

The staff smiled again before opening the door for me. I bowed to him gratefully, before I stepped inside the room.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I should’ve asked the staff to come in with me.

 

 

 

 

 

The Jessica Jung stood up immediately as soon as she saw me step in the room. Her eyes were ablaze with anger as she managed to cover the distance between us in three big strides.

 

 

 

 

I think I heard the door’s lock clicked before Jessica started her tirade. She was livid. For a heartbeat, I thought she would slap me but she didn’t. Jessica just stood there glaring at me, her left hand raised. She was asking Yuri Unnie to stay where she was.

 

 

 

 

 

I looked at my friend, as I try to understand everything that Krystal’s older sister was saying

 

 

 

 

“Amber Josephine Liu, what are you trying to prove here? What is going on? Tell me why is there a girlfriend that isn’t my baby sister?!”

 

 

I looked away, unable to answer.

 

 

 

 

“I trusted your judgment, I freaking let you spend time with her every single time it was possible?! You broke her heart you idiot. What the hell?! Talk, tell me, and explain. And if it was anything short of an essay I will break you.”

 

 

 

“. . .”

 

 

 

 

“Answer me.”

 

 

 

 

“Yul, I-” I tried to address Yuri, but I paused, backing away from the furious Jung.

 

 

 

 

“I’m still waiting amber.”

 

 

 

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

 

 

 

That seemed to be the wrong thing to say, because Jessica slapped me hard on my left cheek. I think turned deaf, but I just bowed my head down. I deserved that, I deserved more than that. Krystal should’ve have just done that. It would have eased away the heaviness on my chest. That would have made it hurt less.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I can hear Yuri trying to pull Jessica away from me, but I didn’t look up to see what was happening.

 

 

 

 

 

I can’t tell Jessica, them. It wasn’t important anymore. At least Jessica hates me but not as much as not wanting to see me anymore. She believed somehow that something’s off. She wanted to hear an explanation, not an answer she has already expected, unlike Krystal. I failed to stop the tears racing down my painful cheek.

 

 

 

“Sica, no, please calm down. You promised.”

 

 

 

 

“Amber, hey A, come here, sshhhh, sorry. I’ll explain later.”

 

 

 

 

There was a lean arm circling around my torso as Yuri unnie pulled me to her side. I can hear her and Krystal's sister talk heatedly but I cannot really understand their conversation. My thoughts were back on clashing against each other.

 

 

 

 

 

I’m sorry.

 

 

 

Yuri pulled me gently to sit away from the fuming Jessica. I can feel Yuri protectively leaning on my direction, her left was still around my torso.

 

 

 

 

“Sica come on we’ve talked about this, stop. We are here to hear her side. Violence won’t solve anything.”

 

 

 

 

“That broke my sister yul, how can I not?”

 

 

 

 

“Jessica. . .”

 

 

 

 

“Fine, I’m sorry Josephine, I’m not sorry. Explain kid.”

 

 

 

 

“I’m sorry.” I said unable to look at the two of them.

 

 

 

Silence.

 

 

 

Yuri has loosened her protective hold around me. I couldn’t really care less at the moment.

 

 

 

 

“Let’s try again. What is going on? Krystal was talking about you whole Christmas and the rest of the vacay break, it was annoying. Weren’t you two dating but not really?” My head snapped to Jessica’s direction at her words. My brows furrowed.

 

 

 

“ . . .”

 

 

 

“So still pathetically in love with each other, check. Now what? What did they do?” Jessica was eyeing me quizzically now, her glare almost gone.

 

 

 

“Did they make you sign a non-disclosure agreement?”

 

 

 

It was Yuri Unnie who asked that. I tried to keep the poker face, but it was hard. Jessica Jung was looking at me without blinking and made it exceptionally hard to keep a straight face.

 

 

 

Krystal’s older sister suddenly touched my hand on top of the table. Her hands were really cold but I can’t pull away even if I want to. Her expression has shifted too swiftly. Jessica’s expression was suddenly filled with worry and concern. It was disconcerting. It was odd, and it painfully reminds me of Krystal.

 

 

 

It wrings my heart every time I think about Krystal.

 

 

 

 

“Oh my god, they did. I knew it. Mother chucker, hijo de puta. Come on Yuri-ah, I will talk to Kim.”

 

 

 

 

“Sica-ah, wait. A, look at me please, tell me. Tell us. It’s okay.”

 

 

 

 

“I can’t.”

 

 

 

 

Jessica cursed out loud again at my response. It still sounded posh on her voice, it was almost distracting, but Yuri unnie was being more persistent. It was annoying in a sense. They knew what a non-disclosure meant, what it is, why were they being nosy about it.

 

 

 

 

I was fine bearing it all on my own.

 

 

 

 

“Look, I know you’re strong, you’re doing this because you have to, something happened and this was to rectify the damage. I understand how it works A, Jessi understands too. We are not here to make it harder, or make it worse. We want to help. We are here to help.”

 

 

 

“I’m sorry, I just, I can’t. It was bad, that’s all I can say.”

 

 

 

 

“No one will know that you tell us, look. Here this is my way out.” Jessica placed a set of papers in front of me, it was loosely bound by a clip. A memorandum of agreement and a contract I think, with a series of oaths, affidavits. I just glanced at the table of contents warily looking at the older Jung as she continued. “That’s my way out, we have pre-drafted everything. Tell me what’s going on, so that I could ask my lawyers to re-draft that.”

 

 

 

“That’s not possible Jess, we both know that’s not happening. You can’t struck a bargain with the label without losing 3/4ths of it. We’ve tried, I’ve tried besides I was at fault.”

 

 

 

“A she knows what she’s doing.”

 

 

 

“I do know what I am doing too Yuri-ssi. I can’t, there’s too much at stake.”

 

 

 

“I will pay them a few thousand bucks and sign a non compete, and more agreements with those gag clauses, I don’t really care but they will listen to me. CEO Kim and the board will listen to me.”

 

 

 

 

“It’s already done Jessica-ssi, I’m sorry.”

 

 

 

 

“Amber please. I know you won’t give in especially with a fake relationship in the equation, unless it involves Krystal. They were just doing a quick fix. It will blow over, we need to protect the two of you.”

 

 

 

“Oh come on, you just want to protect Krystal, leave me out of it.”

 

 

 

 

“Liu gahddamit, just talk, okay, you got me. I don’t give a about you, but my sister loves you and I love her, let me help you for her. Do this for her.”

 

 

 

 

Yuri has pulled away a little more to look at me closely. She didn’t add anything to Jessica’s words. Yuri just nodded at me encouragingly. They were obviously tag-teaming me, but that was the least of my problems.

 

 

 

 

Jessica was back at glaring at me, but her eyes were pleading. She has the same eyes as her sister’s I was a er for those cold onyx eyes.

 

 

 

 

“There were pictures, many pictures. A tabloid has them. There was one when Krystal and I were drunk kissing in LA. Another was a stolen shot somewhere in Busan when we were young trainees. They even have a video of Krystal walking out of my apartment crying.”

 

 

 

 

My voice sounded hollow as I recitde it, faking nonchalance. It was scary. I was unable to stop my fingers from shaking. Jessica held on to my fingers, it was oddly comforting.

 

 

 

 

“.”

 

 

 

 

“No , Yul, there was one with clear view of our faces. They want to release it. The label won’t let them, they want someone’s head. They can’t fire our managers the pictures were era’s worth, it was a fanatic work. I-”

 

 

 

 

“...”

 

 

 

 

“I offered my head of course. It was my fault, they can’t have Krystal responsible for it. I was the older one, I should have known better, besides Krystal isn’t ready for a fake relationship. No, I’d rather they cut my arms and feet off. I begged them, me dating a boy won’t really fly, they made me recite it again and again in all mainstream media that I wanted a boyfriend. It was tedious. Elin was a backup plan.”

 

 

 

 

 

“I was a terrible person because I agreed to it. I know, I understand, I take all the responsibility. It’ll pass. I just, I can’t let them have Krystal too. The Label bought everything from the tabloid, they could have me as their slave for all I care.”

 

 

 

 

“...”

 

 

 

“Krystal will be the best artist of her generation. She will be a known actress singer dancer model. She will be on top of it all. She can’t have that kind of scandal. I’m sorry Sooyeon unnie. I’m really sorry.”

 

 

 

 

My voice broke at the end of my explanation. It alleviated the heaviness somehow, but all the heavy feelings were back in an instant, as soon as I raised my eyes to stare at Krystal’s sister.

 

 

 

 

The Jessica Jung was shedding a tear. It was bizarre, she was Krystal. In her most vulnerable version and I almost embraced her but Yuri beats me to it.

 

 

 

 

She was immediately at the older jung’s side. Jessica seemed to be not afraid of not being her perfect confident self with Yuri. She was leaning on Yuri’s side. She looked very sad.

 

 

 

 

“Does Uncle Liu know all this? The Label will be unforgiving Amber, tell Krystal. She should know, the two of you can bear it the consequences together. They’ll be more reasonable.”

 

 

“It’s okay, they were reasonable enough Jessi Unnie. The promotion period is over anyway. We'll be on break before the comeback on the last quarter. They want more visibility in certain places. Nothing too harsh.”

 

 

 

 

My responses sound clinical, emotionless. There were goosebumps on my arms and at the back of my neck. Yuri still stayed quiet, she understood. Someone understood, I smiled at her before looking away from the two of them.

 

 

 

 

Someday Krystal and I can be like Jessica and Yuri, too. They were very good friends. Despite all things said and done, despite the not platonic feelings and Jessica’s boyfriend, the other Kwon.

 

 

 

 

Someday would probably kill me soon.