The incessant ringing of the phone is starting to get irritating but I ignore it, opting to pull the cocoon of blankets closer to my body as I try to shut the world away. It has been days, too long days, but the relief and exaltation expected from the long due vacation did not come to me.

 

 

 

There is that itch, something that I wish would just leave me alone because the world is beautiful, the old and the new, each sharpness, edges, noise and rhythm, and I tried to capture it, keep it, live in it but I failed. It’s utmost frustrating that I did, because I refuse to be one of those crazy girls but I am.

 

 

 

I am on top of the New York City free to do whatever I want yet I feel like I am being suffocated by an influx of blurriness and clarity because you are not here but you are here all the same.

 

 

 

 

The news and sns are full of you and some girl that isn’t on any of your long list of friends, but I know her for some reasons. It's making me think of stupid things despite all those said and done. ‘At least, you are still my best friend’, I kept on assuring myself and failing at that too.

 

 

 

 

We are best friends, that's just about it. It doesn’t really matter. Labels are stupid anyway, but some labels do hurt more than the others, especially that my other half caption you have used on that IG post.

 

 

 

 

It is such a stupid label and I am definitely not one of those crazy girls but that label makes me want to swim back to Seoul and rip that Elin girl off of you or probably put a restraining order on her because that is the wrong half, I am your other half, your significant other, your princess, your best friend and everything in between. I am your girlfriend for crying out loud even if we both refuse to acknowledge it or it’s probably just me.

 

 

 

It just isn’t the right time for us and you and I are doing the right thing for our future, for our career and the dreams we have cemented on it. A break from breathing each other's air is something favorable for our fragile self-control as we both agreed on. You need to concentrate on your solo debut and I need to rest.

 

 

 

A win-win for us, a very sound set up rationally. Even the distance gives us an advantage since we don’t have to fake anything for the society's sake. Besides it's easier to lie about not caring and putting a brave face on without your warmth drawing me in, but lying to myself is obviously a different story.

 

 

 

 

My heart is just too full of you.

 

 

 

 

It isn’t really surprising considering that I can’t even stop myself from kissing you when you were near. It is an unwilling surrender but a surrender to our unlabeled anyway. I don’t even know what to expect from this anymore. Jackie is just one of the many factors that has thrown whatever it is between us off tangent and there are a lot of Jackies out there, they are closing in.

 

 

 

Today it is hard to believe in someday but I still believe in you, even if the distance and that girl who’s always with you these days makes giving up on us the easier option, even when your calls doesn’t really make it alright anymore, because God I miss you and I want you to be here, even if thinking of you doesn’t make me feel light or giddy or anything particularly sappy at the moment. It feels like you put a heavy weight on my chest, insistent, a ticking bomb that would explode if I didn’t see you soon.

 

Everything is still scary and things seems to have just gradually change back to routine, easy and normal but we have suddenly become out of sync again. It's not helping that the storm lurking at the thresholds of our consciousness is starting to brew fast and we are oceans apart with adults intervening on both ends. Then again there’s also that girl and it is polarizing me in half because I want you, all of you, but I want what's best for you too, so I let your sixth call tonight go to voicemail and stream your MV instead.

 

 

Your voice drowned the sound of New York and the lingering silence.

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

Everyone seems to notice that something is wrong. Even Jessica unnie acted more insistent than usual. She keeps on bothering me to get up early, go out for a walk, eat with her on the cafe where I like the croissants and she hates the coffee. She even insists on this ‘ladies night out’. Not that I have anything else to do, besides Unnie is quite persuasive.

 

 

 

She guilt trips me into saying yes, bringing up the ‘rareness’ of my vacay while encouraging me to let loose and have fun. If I didn’t know better, I wouldn’t have guessed that she just wants me to get trashed and bawl my eyes out because that helps apparently.

 

 

 

That is not happening though because I am not one of those crazy girls and that got nothing on me, except you and that's not okay, intoxicated or not, but probably not really so I agreed to my sister’s surreptitious plans to get me drunk.

 

I glare at my phone, sitting at the far left of the vip booth, as I wait for Jessica unnie. She didn’t take long as promised and comes back balancing a tray of vodka shots while smirking at the phone on my hand. She looks like she wants to ask something but she refrains from speaking to me directly before thanking the crew and closing the door.

 

The vacant seat in front of me stays unoccupied as Jessica settles on my side. Not so subtly ogling at my phone screen where your smiling face is plastered while you are on mid-stride with Elin and jack jack in tow. You look domesticated, and happy, too happy and it makes me want to break something before the sickly green feeling splinter me in half. My indecision was resolved by an incoming call from you which I dropped immediately as soon as it appears on the screen.

 

 

 

I really should probably just bar your calls.

 

 

 

“Still doing the radio silence choice, I see.” My sister said while looking at me with a blank face.

 

 

 

“Drop it unnie, please.” I pleaded, before mindlessly drinking a vodka shot in one go.

 

 

The burning feeling of my throat, settles warmly on my stomach and my cheeks. My stupid phone lies not really forgotten at the other end of the table.

 

 

“Come on ugly kid, stop moping and start spilling, what is that other half drama abt? That’s last month but why is that still uh-on going.”

 

 

 

A look of something close to relief washes over Jessica’s face after asking and I wonder how long did she mull it over before finally prying. Not that we have a lot of time alone, we’re mostly asleep, or catching up with friends, and relatives, which was double no fun when some actually asks about A. Stupid Amber.

 

 

 

 

“Can’t we just talk abt something else? i won’t mind business or er-anything testosterone-eesque, just not that, please.”

 

“So there really is a drama there. I thought you're getting hitched with that idiot last year, the sticky stares makes me sick, seriously why is there suddenly some lady who looks like you at some angles, is this your grand solution to everything? If it is well you must know it’s pathetic I thought you are smarter than that, and fyi, you hate talking about boys on night outs.” Jessica said in one breathe with the last phrase added mockingly.

 

 

 

 

 

I just watch Jessica as she slowly sips the vodka first before gulping it, still finesse and all, not really knowing how to answer the question she is really asking. It makes me stare at her weirdly and distracts me from my thoughts because if I had a choice I really won’t drink vodka at all, its bitter and it burns but she is drinking it like its orange juice.

 

 

 

 

My frown keeps deepening as Jessica continues on with her questioning, while she sips and gulps vodka. My older sister keeps her expression open, not a tinge of judgment. She’s just eyeing me curiously.

 

 

 

“Have you discussed what the two of you are yet? I mean you're both a lost cause and the some people will probably not even blink if it'll get to the rumor hill that you’re dating, not that-“

 

 

 

We aren’t dating, definitely not dating.

 

 

 

“Amber and I are just friends.” I interjected still looking at the bitter concoction warily, my mind fixated on the words Amber, Me and dating.

 

 

 

That’s not dating, we aren’t, nope.

 

 

 

“Lame, and you're a lame liar too, you know you always have that faraway look before you lie, right?”

 

 

 

Sip.

 

 

 

Amber and I are dating that’s-

 

 

 

“or do you not trust me anymore? I'm not a big bad adult here Jungie, I'm not just your sister I'm your best friend, too.”

 

 

 

Unnie’s tone makes me look up from her collar where I have been staring unseeingly. Her expression mirrors mine, confusion, worry, and something I can’t really point out. Then she is staring directly into my eyes.

 

 

 

“I know, I trust you, it's not a lie. We really are just friends.” I tried reassuring her, emphasizing each word a little forcefully.

 

 

 

“But you do kiss right?”

 

 

 

The blunt question makes me put down the alcohol that I am just about to drink, ready to voice out an indignant protest but of course she beats me to it.

 

 

“On second thought” she’s wrinkling her nose. “No! That’s cringe don’t answer that, I don’t want a mental image, ugh”

 

 

 

Her eyes are twinkling and she is obviously enjoying making me uncomfortable so I just stare and at her unimpressed while rationalizing in my head. Kissing does not equate to dating. Definitely not, it could be work related or something else, but not dating. We couldn’t be dating oh my god,

 

 

“Oh come on sis, bottoms up.”

 

 

 

Jessica encourages with a side eye and a slight nudge. Her eye brows wiggle too, and that action is so inherently you that I almost fail to stop smiling stupidly at her. I’ve never been more thankful for the abundance of vodka within reach.

 

 

 

We drink at the same time, not really minding the amount of alcohol already consumed. Then Unnie just kept on going with her speech again. Voice slightly raspy and obviously coated with concern.

 

 

 

'What's going on? Don’t tell me it's nothing, I heard you whimper, my sister don’t do whimper unless its food or something really bad.'

 

 

 

The vodka seems forgotten, as she moves closer to me, holding my face still so that I couldn’t look away from her. I fight against her hold to drink the bitter liquid, refusing to acknowledge the whimpering incident.

 

 

 

Jessica presses on with it sighing at my unresponsiveness and unwillingness to talk to her. Her left hand grasps my right arm that has just reached for another shot.

 

 

 

 

‘Did you guys break up, or was it some elaborate company plan I didn’t know?

 

 

 

We should be dating first before we break up. We’re not even dating.

 

 

“… “

 

 

 

“Well either that or you’re pushing her away for various over thought reasons. I think-“ “You do know Amber and I, we just, we can’t be right?” I blurt out before she can finish her analysis, because my sister is getting close to home and I don’t want to hear it said out loud.

 

 

 

 

“It won’t work and we are better this way Unnie. “ I added hastily, because Jessica looks affronted for being cut off.

 

 

 

Jessica didn’t say anything for a while. She just kept on staring at me and scrutinizing my face, squinting at whatever she saw after a few heartbeats of unnerving staring.

 

 

“Definitely better. “ Jessica settles for sarcasm before finally dropping the Amber talk, or maybe not.

 

 

 

 

“So you’re freezing her out because you think it’s a bright idea even if there were uh-interested people everywhere.”

 

 

 

 

“...”

 

 

 

“Nothing? Really Krystal? Do you at least know that girl?”

 

 

 

“. . .”

 

 

 

“Oh come on, just fine.”

 

 

 

 

Getting bored of seemingly talking to herself, Jessica reaches out for my phone. She gets the pin in three tries, her triumphant smirk appears full blown before she faces me again.

 

 

 

“Okay, be like that.”

 

 

 

“What? “

 

 

 

“I’ll support this madness, even if you’re closing up on me, cool go on, until you get tired of this, then we’ll do this again and you’ll spill and probably cry a bit. “

 

 

Jessica declares squealing at a notification that appears on my phone screen.

 

 

I.will.not.cry.for.this. I said in my head out loud, glaring at my sister as convincingly as I could.

 

 

 

“Oh you will baby sis, and the amount of snot and tears will decide what degree Amber dear will have from me. “

 

 

 

“Jessii! “

 

 

 

“Why? She makes you cry, no one makes my baby sister cry without asking for blood.”

 

 

 

 

“Unnie no, but thanks anyway, give it back now, please”

 

 

 

“...”

 

 

“what are you doing?”

 

 

 

“How many shots did you have?” She asked as she got up from her seat, ignoring my queries, successfully hiding the screen from my sight.

 

 

 

 

“Who are you messaging, Unnie I swear to-“ “no you won’t, come on, we’ll have fun with your friend instead.”

 

 

 

 

“What friend? No, I’m going home. “

 

 

 

 

“and mope? No way, come on out jungie, you need to stop overthinking and being over dramatic, you should have your fun too. Amber does. “

 

 

 

 

“Bad idea Jessi. “

 

 

“But you’re agreeing, you’re already out of that gloomy place, your head I mean. There’ll be no rules tonight except, no telling mom or dad, or Ty. “

 

 

***

 

 

 

I used to believe that we would end up getting married when we are both leathery and grey. Not that I would actually let you know that, I was young naïve and I could think of whatever I wanted. I do know that I could share that with you too, but I don’t want you to agree that we would, that’ll make it true, realizable.

 

 

 

We would end up getting married, not by choice or love or whatever superficial reason, just as a result of us being us, a mere causality. You would think that no one is good enough for me, even you and I would think that no one is good enough for you, not even me so we would both end up alone. Incapable of really getting through the whole relationship and making it work concept without each other’s approval or each other. That’s a twisted way of putting things into perspective but I sincerely believed that years ago, that close to the end of our long, well lived lives we will just settle for each other.

 

 

 

Even as a teen raised in mixed culture of conservative and open mind, I don’t find that idea repulsive. It was actually comforting knowing that I won’t ever be alone, there’ll always be a backup plan and more importantly it’ll be you. The comfort of knowing was mostly mixed with warmth and gentle courage that somehow leads to nights when sleep can’t win over the rampage of thoughts, second guessing, re-planning, over thinking of things that were already said and could’ve been said. Although at least that bizarre idea of you and me makes the future not scary and there are some nights when it is really hard to carry the burden of my dreams in my shoulder and that idea makes the future worth it.

 

 

 

 

Not that I have ever thought of us, having romantic feelings. We are of the same wavelengths but we’re complete opposites. Some strangers were even surprised that we are friends, sisters even. When I was that naïve I thought that it was too strong fondness for a sibling, a twin sometimes, sometimes an elder sister and other times younger sister. We were just that in my mind’s eye and it won’t be so bad to go home to you some years later.

 

 

 

Thinking about that now with the fiery bitterness of alcohol coursing through my veins, and the pulsating of the bodies pressing on to me in all directions, now of all the times I could’ve remembered it, that thought is possibly the stupidest bull I’ve ever come up with, because you will never settle.

 

 

 

 

Not even for me, not in that way anyway and we weren’t born sisters for a reason, and it was really never strictly platonic or sibling like in the first place.

 

 

 

 

I am in love with you, someday is a farce, an elaborate joke and you are with someone else. I said I don’t mind you be with someone else, regardless of the media play. I just let you, I shouldn’t have, I shouldn’t.

 

 

 

My throat closes in deflating my lungs forcefully. The breathe that comes out was staggering as I blindly move away from the dizzying movements. Jessica’s voice gets drowned with the cacophony as my feet carries me to safety. Thoughts swirl downwards, crushing my lungs, my heart, each muscle pounding painful and everything is a blur.

 

 

I am shaking but still able to call a cab. Then everything is silent, sluggish even and I can still feel myself shaking slightly. You are sapping the energy and the heat in my veins, forcing onto me a fierce will to get away from this mess and just forget. My limbs are starting to feel like lead, I would’ve fallen asleep, regardless of the heaving of my chest, if not for your voice at the back of my head,

‘wake up, princess, don’t close your eyes yet, not yet, not yet. ’

 

 

 

You’re voice reverberates like the Trap Nation’s beat, effectively keeping me awake, breath stuttering silently and I am more annoyed at myself than anything at the moment.

 

The bell boy didn’t even blink when I wave him off, as gently as I possibly could, while trying to hide the rattling of my limbs. The effort I exert to breath evenly doesn’t help at all.

 

 

 

Panic for whatever its worth follows me up to the 20th floor, and not even slow walking helps to shake it off. It just keeps on alleviating somehow and I almost shriek in frustration for belatedly realizing that I’ve forgotten the damn key card. The crushing weight in my heart and in my lungs suppressed the impending curse that slithers quickly from the shambles of my chest. It effectively gives an achievable goal and I focus all my thoughts towards that.

 

 

 

Breathe, ‘Keep on breathing Krys, come on, count with me’, you would say, and I allow it to echoe all over me as I trek the dark carpeted corridor towards the fire exit, seeking refuge there instead, seeking air that would make my lungs work.

 

 

 

Cold wisps of polluted air, assaulted me, as soon as I’ve slumped down the dingy iron ladder. Not really trusting my balancing ability at the moment, I shift sloppily until my back touches the cold wall. Breathing is not as hard anymore, but it still comes short and a little forced.

 

 

 

New York have been disappointing since I got here for all the wrong reasons but breathtaking still. The skyline picturesque, the world is beautiful, ‘I wanted to see the world through your eyes’ you have said the day you promised someday, I have agreed willingly because how could I ever say no to you.

 

 

The world is beautiful at night, with the light tingling its surface and I am a second too late to stop imagining you sitting right here beside me, probably sitting closer to the railing, grinning at me with shinning big brown doe eyes. Sincerely stutteringly telling me that it is beautiful, more so because of me, but you are so wrong. It’s you, it has always been you, and I sincerely believed that too.

 

 

 

New York is beautiful, and full of life but you’re not here, you won’t be here. Suddenly, the breathtaking skyline losts the sparkle and becomes bare towering shadows and my breathing comes with barely audible sobs.

 

 

 

I want you to be here and tell me that it’s okay that I am in love with you.

 

 

 

I am in love with you, at the worst of all the times I could’ve been, because this isn’t supposed to be part of our complicated. We have already acknowledged that it isn’t platonic, and I almost believed it’s the worst it could get but of course I have to be in love with you too.

 

 

 

Stupid Amber, stupid kind, caring, adorable, fiercely loyal, too friendly Amber.

 

 

 

Amber, Amber my beautiful Amber, who tells me I’m cold, but is willing to freeze just to be with me, who tells me someday even though we both know it’s as real as the blasted idea that many years later, I would be coming home to you.

 

 

 

My shoulders heave violently, and I am barely aware of the vibrating on my left pocket. I single out all the energy left of me on my palm, to keep the shards from getting out of my chest. Stumping the sounds that are struggling to come out.

 

There is a reason why I tried fighting the inevitable from the very start. A reason why I’ve fooled myself for the longest time, that we are just best friends, siblings, f(x) and nothing more than that.

 

 

 

 

We were supposed to be a causality, an effect. We aren’t supposed to choose it so willingly because then it’ll be wrong in the eyes of the world ad it’ll be hard to live with myself, but it is pointless, a waste of time, a pathetic try because unconsciously, we have again and again chosen the path that leads to this. It is our active choice to walk the path where the other would go and really it’s hopeless, I won’t go anywhere where you won’t be.

 

 

 

It was almost sad how blind and naïve still I am of all of this, because, yes, it is my passion to share the experience of a moment to the world regardless of the medium, and I always try hard to make the message come across clearly, through movements, expression, and lyrics, be it sadness happiness excitement anguish or anger but I cannot lie and say that I didn’t hate the attention and unfounded backlashes that comes with it. It makes me sick, and the unwritten rules, it gags and chains me to a metaphorical tower and it feels so suffocating at some days but you are there too, equally restrained and it wasn’t too bad to lose the power of choice anymore.

 

 

 

You are a big chunk in the shortlists of reasons that are compelling me to stay. I just, I want to share every experience with you just as much as I long to live on those moments not always grand but memorable and with you and the world.

 

 

 

It’s probably the biggest give away that I’ve grown in love with you. If it weren’t for that we would’ve stopped actively choosing one another because we are equally stubborn and equally messed up from dealing with each other’s imperfections.

 

 

 

 

***

 

 

You were sixteen, cute and American. You spoke quirky English, and god you were adorable when confused and kind, too kind. You were smiling even to those people with judgment in their eyes and you were offering your heart openly for them to take because you’re you.

 

 

I was a typical teenager, curious of you. A big ball of anxiety and awkward nerves, with my sister’s looming shadow and mighty expectations I forced upon my shoulders. Perfection was the logical goal, but it didn’t really stop the curiosity, I was drawn to your smile and quirky English.

 

 

You were a taste of my old home, where my skin felt like it belonged to my bones, so I stick with you. Later on, you confessed that it was like that with you too, but I was too busy avoiding your eyes to notice.

 

 

I have always been too busy avoiding the truth in your eyes to know.

 

 

 

It becomes a never ending cycle of hiding, and avoiding and codependency. It becomes Kryber, Amstal, and Amkry, but no one ever tells me that putting our names together like that is like a jinx and it was doomed. I would’ve settled for us or you and me, it won’t matter, like now it doesn’t.

 

 

You’re not here anyway, tonight you belong to someone that isn’t me and all I want to throw a fit to the fleeting shadows ahead because I am supposed to be there too, beside you, firm encouraging and so much proud of you.

 

 

“I’m so proud of you” I whispered to the stillness of the night, feeling lighter, empty. A hollow tethering in the edges of what was left, with the name Elin pressing where it hurts the most.

 

 

 

It’s just that, with Seulgi it was different, it was jealousy raw and pure and lashing but I know her, the dynamics of your relationship and you. Elin is different, Elin is like a never ending sunrise, prickling, heavy and damning because I agreed to it. I knew.

 

 

An illusion hurts more than the reality and this is why I fought it for the longest time. You are capable of this.

 

 

The sobbing, the over thinking, the shambles of my sanity kicked out of the curb, the never ending cycle of pretend, I don’t want to bear it anymore. I don’t want to choose you anymore, so I cried, forcing down the heavy, and the empty and the unwanted.

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

Goosebumps erupt on my arms when the surroundings stops blurring. I could smell the saltiness of tears, and I am oddly at peace with the evidence of what I thought for the longest time was weakness. It isn’t really, it’s---

 

 

The sudden ringing from my pocket, makes me jump slightly. Guilt urges me to check if Jessica is already over reacting about my dramatic exit.

 

 

 

 

It is you. Amber.

 

 

 

Your name brings another set of goose bumps that has nothing to do with the coldness of the night.

 

 

I’m in love with you, I am too in love with you to actually have a better choice.

 

 

My thumb glides through the screen, pressing green when the phone didn’t stop vibrating after the seventh ring.

 

 

 

“Hey”

 

 

 

I could hear the distant sound of traffic but nothing else. I wait for you to speak first, the city lights are blinking back at me.

 

 

 

 

“They are moving your stuff out next door, and I uh. . .“

 

 

 

 

You stop speaking, seemingly lost for words. You are breathing calmly through the speaker and I can imagine you staring out of the window, absentmindedly playing with your hands. My heart jumps to my throat from the mental image, beating angrily, pumping a sourness that I just can’t force to go away.

 

 

 

I don’t know what to tell you so I let the silence speak for itself.

 

 

“I missed you. I missed you so much it hurts to breathe, and it’s a pity because I promised. I promised.” You changed tack so suddenly, the sincerity in your voice, the slight pinch in your tone it breaks my heart a little.

 

 

 

 

 

“…”

 

 

 

 

You sigh and it almost feels tangible, heavy with words, realizations and responsibility, and I wanted to assure you, I wanted to tell you but I can’t.

 

 

The silence is unforgiving.

 

 

 

 

“Elin says that it’ll get better, that we just have to give it time, we’re not the first ones to do this, besides we have someday.”

 

 

Every other thought gets washed away with another strong breeze that swipes through me. Elin, there it is, I don’t mind. It doesn’t matter. Someday is a big fat joke.

 

 

 

“Princess? Tell me about your day please, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I started this conversation with me. That’s…”

 

 

 

You pause and I can hear you moving until, the sound of traffic gets lost completely. I just listen to your breathing, my lungs don’t feel too heavy as I listen to your breathing.

 

 

 

Elin is an illusion.

 

 

 

 

“Have you had dinner? Why are you still up? Is everything all right”

 

 

 

 

“...”

 

 

 

“Soojungie.” You are pleading. I want you to stop saying my name like that.

 

 

I’m in love with you, stop it I’m already too in love you “...”

 

 

 

“Are we okay?”

 

 

 

“Yes.”

 

 

 

“Princess I-“

 

 

“There you are, let’s go, break's over.”

 

 

“2 minutes” I heard you say before you start whispering in the softest tones.

 

 

“I’m sorry, it’ll get better, I promise. Please watch me when you’re not busy m’kay, I’ll sing for you.”

 

 

You’re smiling I can feel it and my lips tug upwards too, stupid Amber. You’re a good liar, and I knew but I believe in you.

 

 

“Please go to sleep.”

 

 

“How?”

 

 

“You’re you, just, I…  never mind, I’ll do my best to make you proud, so don’t drool over my yness okay?”

 

 

 

“Stupid.”

 

 

 

“I hate you too, bye princess don’t miss me too much.”

The steady rhythm of your breathing stays for a few more seconds before you hang up as if to make sure mine gets back to normal before you go

 

 

***

1 Message

The Prettier Jung

 

You better have an elaborate
explain for making me worried.

I’m in the room already, call
when you’re at the door.

I’m here for you.

 

 

***

 

 

“Are you sure you're okay?"

 

 

 

The question was asked as soon as we were seated, loaded with an underlying palpable concern about my sanity/well-being. My mother has always been too aware of me, my mood swings, feelings, which at the moment was somewhere along the borders of really dying and just being over dramatic about it and there was you too.

 

 

 

Today I wish there wasn't you too.

 

 

 

It is plain awful and mom knows it is. I have been so out it lately. It is really frustrating how I honestly don't know how to answer what my mother is not asking.

 

 

 

Her eyes bore on to me gently as she waits for my reply. She would probably see through it if I lie, but I still try to tell her an alternative version of the truth, convincingly. I really hate it when she worries about me.

 

 

 

"Yes, Mom, just slight headache, I'm fine"

 

 

 

The little smile I forced upon my lips didn't really convince her but thankfully she drops it, busying herself with arranging the blanket on my lap instead. Her fingers brushed some of the locks off of my face, giving me one last worrying look before she finally settles more comfortably on her seat.

 

 

We are on the left of the aisle with me in the window seat. Mom and I are finally going back to Seoul for a prescheduled commitment, but I couldn't find it in me to be excited about it. Not that I'm complaining, I love work for what it’s worth.

 

 

 

Work in the middle of vacay months just aren’t really that much of an exciting feat. Just thinking about it makes me feel more tired that I already am, but I've chosen this way of life. It's part of it.

 

 

 

I take the opportunity to rest my head on my mom's shoulders, sighing, burying myself on her comforting warmth. I've never been more thankful that mother insisted on accompanying me back to Seoul. The pounding in my head won't stop bothering me, and all the muscle in my body feels worn out. It is aching everywhere for no apparent reason.

 

 

To make things worse, my allergic rhinitis is acting up again. The runny nose is the last thing I need but of course, it won't let me live for once and I'm being overdramatic again. At least Mom's here.

 

 

She won't let anything bad happen. Nope, I lost the fight with my dropping eyelids only a few seconds after leaning on my mother.

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

Sleep was dreamless, but the drained feeling follows me back to Incheon.

 

 

 

Disorientation clamors all over me, as I take one big stride after another. There are still some people taking pictures, the flashes feeding off that annoying feeling of toppling over. I want to run as fast as I could to the exit but that will catch more attention than it should.

 

 

 

The pounding and the aching stays with me the whole time. It feels like I am swimming on air. Mom is walking a few steps behind me, subtly monitoring my movements, an assuring presence orbiting close. The pavements feels like they are beaconing me to just stop trying but I didn't, not until the door of the van was locked. The unusually cramped space makes me feel nauseated so I momentarily close my eyes.

 

 

 

 

 

You are there on my damned closed eyelids. Seoul means you're here. Seoul is home.

 

* * *

 

 

You didn't cross my mind since touch down, not even once. It’s probably a good thing considering how volatile my emotions go when it comes to you. Bawling my eyes out was the last thing I need on this whole trip. Saying I'm okay won't be convincing at all when that happens. Besides, I'm not one of those crazy girls.

 

 

 

 

I really am not, I repeated in my head again and again as I try to repeal the image of your stupid smiling face. The van is already moving and I must explain to my mother my planned detour. Wording it as nonchalantly as possible, not mentioning your name, or anything that would give away my intentions.

 

 

 

 

It’s not as if I will be lying to her I didn't really have to. Mom didn't say she approved or disapproved of you and me but she suggests that whatever it was going on between the two of us shouldn't be encourage for reasons you and I already both know. She just told us to be responsible of our actions and be sensitive to other people's feeling. She never really told me off about not spending time with you.

 

 

 

I just don't like her to think that I am over eager to be with you, or anything along those lines. It is disconcerting to discuss it with her, but I really need to see your stupid face for real and just, just, well, I badly need to see your stupid face and remind you of things.

 

 

 

"Can you please drop me off to a taxi stop? I just need to retrieve something quickly, before my 10:30 starts." I asked quickly, not looking away from my mother.

 

 

She responds by raising her left eyebrow seemingly identical to the way Jessi Unnie always does. It grates some of the nerves off.

 

 

 

"Ask her to come, after your schedule. I'll cook dinner."

 

"Mom, we, I- it's not-"

 

"Soojung, just text her. You're dead on your feet. It can wait."

 

"But Moooooooom!"

 

"No dinner then but no one in this van will ride taxi anytime soon."

 

 

"Okay, Mom I'll text Amber. Dinner at 7?"

 

"Make it later. She probably has some schedule till late. Sleep Jungie, you'll see her soon."

 

 

 

***

 

our house, 20:00 don't be late

 

 

 

The phone screen has already dimmed but I keep on staring at the device almost unseeingly. I unconsciously bite my lower lip, my mind going on overdrive about the words I have used when I sent that message almost an hour ago. Maybe I should have said please, or maybe I should have worded it a little more nicely with just please hurry up and come earlier, or perhaps, the words, mom, dinner, I, miss, you, so, damn, much, and, I, hate you for that, Amber --

 

 

 

I blink rapidly to stop my line of thoughts from going any further more pathetically out of character because I am not one of those crazy girls. Not that I have anything against them, it just doesn’t sit right anywhere in my stomach that I am acting like a lovesick teenage girl, with raging hormones and volatile emotional stability. I refuse to be like that, I prefer rational, like how I prefer that you be here in front of me already.

 

 

 

It is only a few minutes before 8 and my nerves won't settle regardless of how crappy I still feel. Never mind diction today Jung. A part of me chided as I sit silently on the couch, trying my hardest not to fidget or breathe too loudly. I could feel mom observing me from her spot near the dining table. She is arranging the table napkins, glasses and eating utensils, busying herself with elaborate unnecessary folds of the table napkins. She has brushed off my offered help a while ago and gestured for me to just go on with my usual business while waiting for dinner.

 

 

 

The TV is not muted for once in the apartment and your pretty face zooms in and out of focus, that bitc-lady stick to your side like-for lack of better word uh-leech. My fingers dug dip on my palms almost drawing blood, as I keep a steady gaze on the flatscreen.

 

 

 

 

The feeling is familiar of course. I could even dare name it audibly because I do recognize the green eyed monster peeking on my shoulder. It is hard to deny it, so I let it feed on me.

 

 

 

 

The sadistic part of my brain even agrees to it almost too enthusiastically, wishing that one of the two of you falls from the skateboard or something. Breaking a few bones would sufficed to make it up for the raw bitterness, not that it would happen and I am going crazy. It is a rerun, and I haven't heard any of the two of you with any broken bones anywhere.

 

 

 

You and Elin are gliding sweetly all over the my face instead, making me hate the HD wide screen more than ever, and making my fond memories about you, skateboard and just you in general slowly turn sour.

 

 

Someday my . I mumble a little too loudly for my liking. My mother's gaze shifts quickly towards me, eyeing me with amusement too obvious on the tilt of her lips. I huffed in response, not acknowledging the questioning gaze. Thankfully, she lets it go, not really wanting to push me to talk about it when she already knows.

 

 

 

Your and Elin's Mcountdown we got married edition drags on and on, to the point that I could not stand it anymore. My thoughts are clashing against each other not really even letting the jealous side of me take the front seat. There is a ranging battle on my head about more apt behavior for me, decking you or attacking you with my lips--

 

 

 

A sudden buzzing sound, makes me jump from my seat. You're finally here. I hurriedly check my face on my phone screen before rushing to the door.

 

 

 

The too out of character, hey I miss you died on my lips when my gaze stumbles upon the person beside you. My smile quickly turn into a scowl without me noticing it as I forcefully make myself turn my back on the two of you before I slam the door close to your face. The nerve.

 

 

 

You open the closed door laughing awkwardly. Elin in tow.

 

 

 

If you are aware of my obvious annoyance, you ignore it, opting to just let you and your companion in without me saying anything to the two of you.

 

 

 

 

My mother is nowhere to be found in the dining area when the three of us reaches the sitting room. It makes me more annoyed than I already was. I don't want to be left alone with the two of you because attacking you is starting to become more and more appealing to me the longer the Elin sticks close to you.

 

 

I am mentally, counting one to ten, regulating my breathing so as not to snap and be the again when you invite Elin to sit on the freaking LA-Z-Boy before dragging me to the direction of my bedroom. I let you, all too aware of your hands that are holding on to my wrist possessively.

 

 

 

Your scent I have noticed hasn't changed at all, and it is almost creepy that I could recognize it, and I do remember it so well. Oh my god.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Neither of us say a word when you close the door.

 

 

 

 

You are observing me standing an inch too far for my liking. My senses are suddenly humming a familiar tune with the dragons in my stomach. My annoyance dissipating completely as I stare at you intently. How could you have grown more attractive in a few weeks?

 

 

 

Suddenly, I feel insecure on my pajamas pants but I can not just stop from myself from taking all of you in. I swear my heart seized beating for a few milliseconds before it stutters back to an erratic pace when you step close enough that our toes are finally touching.

 

 

 

Then you smile my favorite smile, the mischievous one, still not uttering a single word. Your eyes trailes, seeing something I can never see whenever I stare at my reflection, your big brown orbs are bright and smoldering.

 

 

 

 

The all too tender gaze straining too long on my lips is the only warning.

 

 

You kiss me, or it is me who kiss you. I can't bother to remember who kiss whom or any other irrelevant things that may have been going around the two of us. The kiss wasn't gentle at all. It is all the pent up rage, frustrations that has been building up upon my chest, around the two of us. My fingers tugs on your short tresses pulling you as close as our skin and bones would allow, and you follow suit, possessively wrapping your arms around my waist, pulling my soul closer to yours.

 

 

 

 

I can feel your form shake a little, as we leisurely prolong the kiss, tongues and teeth and lips and soul intertwining. It makes every off feeling and tiny bit of ache shrink back to the darkness where it can't touch me. You are all I can feel but I want more. I want to touch you on places where no one else can, and I have half the mind to lead you to it, but you pull away, resting your forehead in mine.

 

 

 

Your chest is heaving in synch with the pirouetting of my heart and we are sharing the same dopey smiles. It is pathetic and cutesy and I want to kiss you again, so I did, gently this time.

 

 

 

Muted fireworks erupts at the back of my ears as I melt unto the tenderness of your lips softly touching mine. It is almost like you are worshipping the soft flesh. Reverently letting your bruised ones caress my equally bruised lower lip, before swiping your tongue slowly, deliberately it till I finally let out a very embarrassing moan. It seems to delight you because you did it again to the roof of my mouth and I almost fall on my knees.

 

 

A resounding knock halts all our movements.

 

 

"SooJung?"

 

 

You hurriedly step away from me, glancing at the locked door. We start fixing each other's shirt and unruly hair, while exchanging nervous glances. Anxiousness mixed with unexplainable excitement of getting caught doing something I am not supposed to be doing, makes me want to puke, through all the giggles that are bubbling from my stomach.

 

 

"Jung Soojung!"

 

 

"Yes mom" It was out of breath an octave lower than my normal tone, which seems to amuse you so I kick your shin. Hard.

 

 

"The two of you, out now, dinner's serve. I can't believe you kids, left Amber's girlfriend alone in there." Mom's voice carried out from the other side of the door. She is already moving back to the dining area, but you and I keep standing a few steps away from each other.

 

 

"This two really ..."

 

 

 

 

The word girlfriend pounds at the back of my ears. My heartbeat slowly get back to normal as I stare at you. Not really glaring, just eyeing your stupid pretty face. You are looking down at your ridiculous batman socks with a kicked puppy look on your face. Wasn't I supposed to be the one looking like that?!

 

 

I cleared my throat before speaking.

 

 

"So, did I miss something, because really, it was supposed to be for show. You were even playing tonsils hockey with me for s sake, girlfriend?!" It was an accusation, I hated that it was.

 

 

"Princess--"

 

 

"I mean, okay, yeah, we've agreed, and we weren't anything, nothing really, ‘best friends’ that's bull, but girlfriend?!"

 

 

"She was-"

"You know I'm supposed to be walking out at this moment because what else is there to talk about. You and me, we are a whole bunch of nothing else except best friends. For consolation, best Friends. Best friends who were supposed to be telling each other about important things, like how you suddenly get into a relationship because I was supposed to be happy for you. I was supposed to listen to you be cute while talking about her without vomiting and all that mumbo Jumbo, that's what best friends do Amber.. not that we were experts on anything at that department."

 

 

 

I paused momentarily, looking up before turning back to face you, tears a prickling at the edges of my bloodshot eyes. I just wouldn't cry in front of you. Not today.

 

 

 

The pulsating aching is back. There is suddenly a heaviness on my chest that wouldn't go away no matter how many deep breaths I take.

 

 

You are just watching me with sad eyes, watching me pace back and forth in front of you.

 

 

 

You are merely looking as I fall apart slowly. It is almost cruel of you. I could feel you wanting to protest, I could see you get frustrated, tongue tied. You somehow lose the eloquence that would have surely stop the bleeding and make the hurt go away.

 

 

The words you want to say are already spilling through your eyes but you just won't- -can't say anything. You are busy staring at me guiltily with your big brown doe eyes and I can not let you just get away with this by that so I keep on talking, stepping away each time you try to get near to touch.

 

 

 

"To be fair, I knew that there was that girl, my other half" I said the last phrase with a mirthless laugh glaring at the tears sliding down your cheeks.

 

 

 

 

"Elin is amazing isn't she? She knows how to skate board, she’s nice to everyone and can be seen doing domestic with you without any backlash. It even finally takes off the cameras on the back of necks. I should be happy I should be supporting that. I mean, oh my god, I even advocated for that, Princess doesn’t mind, for crying out loud. But this, I do mind this."

 

 

 

“. . .”

 

 

 

 

"I want to hear it from you, without any pre conceived bull or assumption. You wanted me to trust you the last time we talked and I did, I hate it but I do trust you. Just one honest answer and you may go back to her. Just one Amber. Is Elin your girlfriend?"

 

 

 

"Krystal"

 

 

 

 

"Krystal is neither a yes nor a no, stupid. Answer me. Is she your girlfriend?"

 

 

Your eyes are pleading when I stopped pacing in front of you, to hear it, to see the expressions on your face when you answer me, to see anything that would give any lie away. I wish I didn't stop and look. I wish I just walk out instead of opening this up when I should've.

 

 

 

 

You are already begging for forgiveness and I knew the answer even before you say it out loud. .

 

 

"Yes, but-" You whispered to the space between us. Looking away again, not even having the decency to look at me so I cut you off before you could cut me more.

 

 

"Okay, get out,"

 

 

 

 

"Let me explain, please."

 

 

 

"Explain what now? It was only a few months. I was away for only 2 months"

 

 

 

 

"She was so good to me, and I-,I'm sorry. It was just..."

 

 

 

“. . . “

 

 

 

"You don't really seem to care, you were even partying,"

 

 

 

"So it was my fault?"

 

 

 

"No, that's not it. Princess please."

 

 

 

"What is it then?!"

 

 

"She- It happened so fast, we were just so happy, and it was so easy. She told me she is in love with me, then, it was happening, I don't know really know."

 

 

 

 

"Off the record, considering... I'm sorry. I'm sorry it wasn't easy. Believe me I would have given anything, everything to make it easy, and this sound pointless but I am in love with you too, not that it would change anything."

 

 

 

 

"I'll break up with her."

 

 

 

 

"Honestly, I don't really care what you do with her at this point. I'm done Amber. I've heard enough. Now, out."

 

 

 

"Please don't do this to us."

 

 

 

 

"Can you hear you? Fine I'm out."