You are fast asleep in the sofa lying face down. You still have your sneakers on and it seems like your snap back fell from your head when you lied down. I walk closer to your immobile form. It is crazy but I love watching you sleep.

I always agree whenever people say that you are handsome. I even catch myself staring at you sometimes. Mostly when you are asleep. You look childlike with your eyes close, breathing slowly. You are so soft like this. Beautiful is definitely the most apt word to describe you.

It is part of the human nature to admire beauty and that’s what I am doing or so I try to convince myself.

Standing up with a sigh, I took off my coat, a little troubled about my uh-bad habit. It has been a hobby for a while now. I've been staring intently at you whenever I can. It is almost reflex, no matter how much I would want to deny it and I honestly didn’t know how exhaustion can mess up myself control so I won’t risk it. Not when you're asleep and I am missing you a lot. It's already enough that my little adventure of dropping by the dorm tonight includes actually seeing you. You are here --- that's more than enough. I won't risk it.

I walk to other end of the couch to untie your sneakers gently, still disgruntled. Aish, what a big baby, seriously?! Do you really have to exhaust yourself fooling around to the point of passing out. Thank heavens you're not anemic, too. I fumed in my head as I try to take off your shoes without waking you up. It’s silly how a part of me wishes that you’ll open your eyes so I can talk to you. Maybe tell you I miss you because it aches somewhere.

Your eyes didn’t open though.

Picking up your snapback, I tiptoed to your room after one last glance at your sleeping face. I am almost surprised that Jack jack and Gongu are not here to nuzzle their noses to my legs when I opened the door. It feels tad bit nostalgic and empty not having them here, but I haven't seen them in a while, so nothing really surprising there. They’re most probably at your house, missing you and I feel bad for them. I know how it felt to miss you and it's really not a pleasant feeling.

A yawn escapes my lips forcing me to glance at my phone.

1:43am

Better start the shower, if I still want to catch any sleep.

You have the weirdest assortment of shirts left on your drawer but it doesn’t matter since I can wear any of these and still feel comfty. I used to have a rundown list of your clothes when we were younger, from horrible to the splendid ones. You never really paid attention to those, most of the time you care for the shoes so I have to intervene. That was back when the days we’re simple, but that’s not how it works anymore so I shake my head to get rid of those thoughts.

Past is beautiful but so is present, and control exists in the now.

After rummaging your cabinet I pulled out your red underarmour shirt and your favorite Lakers jersey shorts. I mentally pat my head for finding these clothes, though I wonder why you left it here. Wondering is dangerous these days so I hurriedly stepped in the shower. Time to get this over with.

My nose immediately caught your scent as soon as I step inside. This room always smells like you even if it doesn’t look like it’s been used for ages. I don't even think Luna takes a bath here. Your scent is so calming as always. It almost makes me close my eyes and decide to just sleep here, but that’s definitely a stupid idea and I refuse to let myself get addicted to your smell. That's just creepy and inappropriate.

Ugh, inappropriate indeed. I did something really really creepy/inappropirate today in the set.

It made me scold myself harshly as I absentmindedly squeeze your menthol shampoo to my palm and massage my scalp with it.

The kiss scene today was a success.

It was, but it turned really unnerving on that part when I closed my eyes because I imagined you kissing me. I see you in the back of my eyelids when Rain oppa's lips brushed with mine.

Oh my God!

I'm glad my lips didn't tremble when my subconscious conjured an image of you at that moment. I always, not even my dreams allow myself to think such things because it'll always end with the word complicated in UPPERCASE, but I lost it at that moment. Maybe because I was too anxious that I'll not get it done right the first try or maybe I am just worried about your reaction, if there will be any reaction at all once you see that scene. Perhaps I'm just tired.

I bow my head frustrated, and let the cold water caress my skin.

I should stop thinking silly things like this. I’m just tired. I should really hurry up and sleep.

I step out of the shower toweling my hair dry. You are already in your bed, lying on your back. You look so serene and I almost didn't want to lie beside you in fear of disturbing your peaceful sleep. Again, I watch you closely. Beautiful, illuminated by the soft light from the seeping through the curtains of your bedroom window. Your eyelids are fluttering every now and then, your mouth slightly open.

I’ve seen it a thousand times to know that you’re just starting to dose off so I remained standing staring at you. Perhaps consciously, but I am denying it outrightly even now.

A few minutes pass and soon enough exhaustion won over my eerie desire to gawk at you. Good for me, because I really should stop this madness before it gets out of hand. It will make things complicated and it will be going against the company's peculiar orders, but I will do that when the daylight breaks.

For now, I snuggle to you as close as is it is physically possible. Burying my face in the nape of your neck I hum in appreciation as I enjoy your reassuring warmth. I finally understood why neither our house nor my trailer ever felt like home.

This is home.

Comforting, familiar and close to you. Amber Liu.