Krystal was hugging me back in front of the world.

 

 

...

 

 

 

She has her arms around me with that big genuine smile on my favorite face.

 

 

....

 

 

 

She allowed me embrace her in front of everyone without a single protest.

 

 

....

 

 

And I swear I can hear how hard her heart is beating right now, then the moment was gone.

 

 

 

 

I was left standing there still stunned by what just happened so I skipped around mindlessly, smiling brightly to the fans. They are cheering happily for our names, and I am mentally cheering her name with them.

 

 

 

Soojung! Soojung! Soojung!

 

 

 

It's a wonder I didn't actually say her name out loud in the microphone.

 

 

 

I've managed to go around the stage in a short time and now I'm back to where I started. She has her back on me, and it seems like she found a new toy or a distraction. She’s holding a confetti, observing, sometimes waving to the fans. I can't help but stare for a moment to where she was looking at. The gigantic light board that has her name on it made me smile harder if that's still possible.

 

 

 

That's my princess, I wanted to say out loud, but I restrained myself. I’ve made my choice, and I need to get away from her. She's really bad for my mental health.

 

 

 

 

I tap her back gently before moving away from her. I really need to stop doing this to myself. She's driving me crazy since we landed in China. I swear I'm doing better before we get here --- better than I thought I would be because I really thought I can't live without her, but I'm still breathing, and still getting dangerously close to being pulled towards her again, so I guess I can.

 

 

 

 

I can live long enough to resist the irresistible cold and I really need to look away.

 

 

 

 

I walk around the stage, singing with the other idols, as I try the hardest that I can not to look at her like a creep in front of the fans. It’s frustrating, so I walked thoughtlessly, trying to go around the stage again, then I found myself rooted in the spot in front of Seulgi and her bandmates.

 

 

 

 

I smiled automatically.

 

 

 

It's never really my intention, and I hate how fates seem to want to play it the way it is, but every single time, I break my own heart because of Krystal, Seulgi is also there. Baby bear has that reassuring smile on her face again, admiring how the ribbons with her name were stuck in my collar. She winks at me playfully as I raise the pooh stuffed toy in my hand.

 

 

 

We are smiling at each other like always, and like always I find it comforting, it's making my demons gag a little, but there's an annoying voice in the back of my brain that made me turn my back on her.

 

 

 

 

My eyes drifts everywhere, searching, seeking for the girl whose name was blinking in the gargantuan light board to my side. It seems to be a kind of curse or a spell whatever it is that she has put upon me, because my eyes will always do this and it's getting annoying at times since I am powerless against it. It must be my Krystal mania on its full force because I miss her so much.

 

 

 

 

Krystal is holding Vic unnie's face with both her hands when I finally found her. I stopped and stared for a few seconds, I watch them wondering what it would feel like if I am Vic unnie right now. I will probably kiss her with my eyes closed before I drown with her piercing stare, and my knees will probably tremble hard, it'll almost buckle.

 

 

 

 

 

I groaned frustrated when I almost drop the mic I am holding.

 

 

 

 

Great, just a few hours spent with her, I am back to being pathetically and miserably in love. Now I'm imagining impossible things. I wanted to hit my head hard with the mic but I restrained myself. No need to damage my brain more.

 

 

 

The song is close to its end so I joined the others facing the crowd, still feeling slightly off because of my stupid daydreams in the middle of the stage. I really should set an appointment with a psychiatrist or something, anything actually, because the moment of truth is near --- when we land to Seoul, my nightmares will become reality.

 

 

 

 

I got lost in the moment as the closing song reached its crescendo. The crowd was wonderful and I found myself bowing with everyone, smiling as genuinely as I can towards all the people who were showering us with their love and support through loud cheering. I almost didn't want to go, but I should because the show is over and the lights will be off in the stage soon, then the place will be quiet again.

 

 

 

I followed everyone, walking consciously behind her. It's a torture but I want to feel her near, even just before the lights on the stage went off. I know it in myself that it'll be time to let go soon, so I gave in to the temptation.

 

 

 

Maybe it was the adrenaline rush from the performance on stage, or perhaps it was my undying need to be beside her regardless of how I have my mind set on things, on expectations and the realities I should accept. Here I am again, trailing behind her like a lost kid.

 

 

"Amber." She murmured but I heard it clearly.

 

 

 

I moved a little closer, trying to check if I am not just daydreaming again. I know it's dangerous for me to do that because I'm just hurting myself more, but it's my name on her lips. The unique way those two syllables sound special when it rolls out from her tongue even if they really are not.

 

 

I didn't know what came into me. I didn't know what was running on her mind, but she was pulling me with those her long slender fingers, and I gave in putting my hands on her waist.

 

 

 

We are walking side by side, like we usually do when we we're younger --- when it's not a mortal sin to do it, when she still doesn't mind showing off how close we are . . . before she slowly drifted towards the opposite end of the stage where I'll steal glances of her. The warm feeling that was rushing all over my veins made me dizzy. It’s tempting, I was probably borderline delirious, so close to just saying it to the whole world.

 

 

I tried to stop the crazy path my thoughts are drifting to when I feel her move her torso to look back and wave to the periwinkle sea behind us. I bit my lip, the warmth in my eyes threatening to fall. It felt like, she was proud to be with me, that she is proud that I was holding her this close, that she's leaning her weight on my side.

 

 

 

 

Then the moment was gone, again.

 

 

 

 

The lingering feel of her close to me was short circuiting my brain but I moved forward, walking beside her in a safe distance. I can clearly see the looming shadow of her manager looking at us with the security oppas. I didn't dare peek beside me.

 

 

 

 

Everything happens in a daze after that. I was barely there when we were taking pictures with everyone but I keep my smile plastered in my face. I have managed to master the art of smiling convincingly no matter how I feel inside because I can't let the world see me cracking slowly, that's just how it is.

 

 

 

I don't want be a burden to anyone, and I wanted to convince her that I am absolutely fine with what will happen even if it's just a lie.

 

 

 

 

It will be the first time and the last time that I will lie to her.

 

 

 

 

A tap on my shoulder ends the onslaught of thought in my head as I overthink thousands of possibilities that may happen when we get back to Korea. Soft warm hands tugged my left wrist, pulling me towards the darker end of the car park.

 

 

 

I almost forgot that Seulgi and I are planning to have a food trip despite the late hour.

 

 

 

I can hear her chat bubbly about how she loves the Chinese fans and I nod enthusiastically at her. Agreeing to everything she is saying without really understanding them. She stops all of a sudden and I almost walk over her if not for her hands holding on my right arm.

 

 

We are standing closely to each other, her eyes same level as mine. She leaned a little, sounding annoyed and amused at the same time.

 

 

"Do you know that you agreed that Krystal is fat? Earth to Bigbear. You're not listening to me." I can see that that she's pouting with the help of the spot light illuminating the parking space.

 

 

 

"You tricked me to say that! That's mean baby bear. Why soo mean?"

 

 

 

"No, I didn't. You said yes without second thought, I'm telling her. Bleh." she stick her tongue at me, thankfully taking a step backward but not too far we're still standing close. I didn't mind though, I like teasing with her. It gets my mind off of things that will drive me to the cliff sooner or later.

 

 

"No, you won't. You love me." I replied playfully without thinking, laughing at the expression on her face when she heard it. I swear she's blushing but she covered it by shoving me hard.

 

 

 

"Of course I do Amber" She said with a shrug before adding hurriedly, "Seriously Amber-unnie, what are you thinking?, Are you okay? Can you drive? Joohyun unnie will not allow me to go with you again if something weird happens. You really seem so out of it."

 

 

"I’m fine Seul, should I text Irene." I smiled convincingly at her, pulling her gently towards the door of the shotgun seat of the car. I don't want to answer her question, so I changed the topic.

 

 

"Are we eating Chinese take outs?" I tried to joke around, opening the door for her. She understood that I don't want to talk about it because she let me drop the topic.

 

 

"Should I be laughing now unnie?" I laughed hard are her sarcastic tone, she's really cute when she's trying to keep on her straight face. She should have lessons with...

 

 

Ugh, Stop it stupid! No, not stupid, that's a taboo word. Amber Josephine Liu. Yes much better, stop it llama face, I muttered to myself as I buckle Seulgi’s and mine’s seatbelt.

 

 

 

I almost died of heart attack when I turn on the headlights and see the most beautiful girl in the entire Milky Way standing in front of the car. If you have different opinion about who's most beautiful, I do understand, but even you must admit, that girl, that girl is indeed too fine to be just a pure blooded mortal, uh maybe that's just my Krystal mania acting up, sorry for that, but she's beautiful really, even with the glare.

 

 

 

I immediately went out of the car, not knowing what to do. Krystal is really not the type who will purposefully stand in front of someone’s starting car so I need to check what's going on despite my better judgment. Seulgi followed suit, and it seems to be a very bad idea, when she stood close enough for our shoulders to touch.

 

 

 

I thought I heard a low growl.

 

 

 

I swallowed the lump on my throat looking nervously at the Krytal Jung, on a red t-shirt and black pants, looking like she wanted to rip someone’s head off. I unconsciously move an inch away from Seulgi.

 

 

 

Maybe I am really tired already because I thought I saw the fuming girl in front of us nod a little, as if she's approving my actions. I scratch the back of my neck, grasping for the words that I should say to start a conversation with a pissed off jung.

 

 

 

"What can we do for you Krystal-ssi?" Seulgi asked politely, taking the initiative to start the conversation.

 

 

 

I can feel the beads of sweat forming in my forehead. Krystal’s glare was directed toward Seulgi and it made the back of my hair stand up when Krystal answered her ice cold voice. I unconsciously stood a little in front of Seulgi.

 

 

 

"I have no business with you Kang, you may leave now."

 

 

 

"Okay Jung." baby bear answered still polite and not in the slightest affected with the tone princess is using. I blinked trying to make sense of things, still second guessing what to do.

 

No body moved for a few heartbeats. I cannot look away from Krystal.

 

 

 

My eyes almost pop out of my socket when Seulgi reached for my wrist and pulled me with her towards the car. We we're almost inside when I manage to stop her from dragging me. Wrong move baby bear, really really wrong move. You never turn your back to -jung.

 

 

 

I was right.

 

 

 

Krystal’s already behind us without even making sound. I can see the dangerous glint in her eyes and the loneliness that I've seen the other day are still there. She's gritting her teeth hard. A hurt expression passes through her straight face before she reached out for my wrist, her grip borderline painful.

 

 

 

"You! Stop being stupid and follow me, leave her here, I'm sure she'll be fine."

 

 

 

I held on to Seulgi before she jumps on Krystal, Seulgi is very nice but she’s protective of her friends. I grimaced, feeling lightheaded. I really can't believe this is happening. They used to be good friends.

 

 

 

"Krystal apologize to Seulgi please." I tried persuading her, using my best pleading voice, it's the best solution I can think of at the moment. It’s like walking on thin ice because -jung is very very volatile.

 

 

"It's okay amber unnie, let's just go okay. I'm starving, let’s-"

 

 

"Give me valid reason why I should apologize Amber Unnniiie." Krystal is mocking Seulgi, staring at her from head to toe. Then she’s looking intently at me. I tried pulling my arm from her but I can’t. The look in her face luring me to her again.

 

 

 

How the hell is she doing this? I really should hunt down the person who taught her to do this stuff because I swear whoever that one is, he or she taught her well. Her eyes are on me, boring holes in my face. I looked away when she finally let go of my wrist, but steps closer me. Close enough for me to feel smell her scent, she’s gripping the hem of my shirt.

 

 

"Uh- maybe because you're ruining our night"

 

 

I snapped my head to the girl behind me quickly frowning at her.

 

 

"What is there to ruin Seulgi? I'm flattered, are you enjoying scavenging with my trash? I bet Amber unnieeee is making you really happy. Does she still kiss you with her eyes open? Try peeking at her, every once in a while, I hate to break it to you but you're not the one she's kissing."

 

 

Krystal’s words echoes in my like the three of us were stuck in a tunnel. I tried to face Seulgi before she can really pounce at Krystal, taking her face in my palms. She's as shocked as I was. Her eyes are b with tears and her hands are shaking. She's opening and closing trying hard to say anything.

 

 

"Shhh, don't. Please. Just go back to Irene, I’ll call her later. I'm sorry, I'll make it up to you next time kay." I said as calmly as I can manage.

 

 

Seulgi is looking directly in my eyes and I know those words hits close to home just by staring at the expression in her face. It made me feel angry.

 

 

I smiled at Seulgi sadly one last time giving her a little push in her shoulders. I squeezed her hands reassuringly before finally letting go. At least she understood. I took a long deep breath before I face Krystal.

 

 

 

My muscles feels like lead but my mind is racing. My heart was thundering loudly in my chest, as I try to restrain the anger and the words that were straining to come out.

 

 

Krystal is watching my expression warily, as if she can sense the red hot flame that was trying to claw its way out of me. I looked back at her, glaring as convincingly as I could. I hated -jung for this reason. Her choices of words are really spectacular every single time I am facing this version of her.

 

 

She didn't tell a lie though. It that she didn't and her choice of words made it much worst.

 

 

"happy now?" were the first words that came out, from the furious pit of thoughts inside me.

 

 

 

Krystal shook her head, not looking away. Her expression softened, and she almost looked like she was sorry. Her stare slowly turned gentler until she’s looking at me like she’s an angel.

 

 

As if her looking at me with that expression and with those alluring eyes would be enough to make her words hurt less. As if standing close to me, will make us okay. It made me explode.

 

 

 

"Aren't you trash now, too? I threw you away too remember? I rejected you, I resented being with you, I even signed a contract for that. Does it feel good? and out of curiosity, does it make you feel better that you rubbed it on her face? That you rub it on my face?" I said voice raising octave higher, breaking somewhere along the word you.

 

 

"I-- don't use that tone on me. You tell me Amber unnie, are you happy now, huh?! Does it feel good that we are even now?!" she's whispered closely to my face. My favorite pitch black orbs looking gloomier in the dim light.

 

 

"Yes. It feels so damn good that I wanted to throw a party right now. I've never been happier, news flash Krystal my world does not revolve around you. Can you see me sad at all? of course not, because I am so done with you. So damn done. Thanks for throwing me away." I answered, still refusing to let myself cry in front of Krystal, consciously trying to find the words that would hurt more. The red hot flame inside me dying a little with each razor sharp words.

 

 

Krystal didn’t answer immediately. She took a deep breath and we were almost sharing the same air because of the inexistent distance between us. She just looking up at me, her eyes red rimmed, and her lower lip trembled. I kept quiet, panting a little. She looked down.

 

 

 

The Krystal Jung is backing down in our argument. I really did a brilliant job. I kept my fist balled on my sides as I waited for her ingenious speech.

 

 

 

My heart pounded louder, like a drumbeat as I anticipate for the next words. The anger has slowly drained me so I slumped in my car. Feeling really really tired and feeling like crap. My chest ached because of the exchange. I wish there's a way to unsay the words but that's not possible. All I can do for now is wait and shut up.

 

 

 

Krystal didn't say anything even after I’ve stopped panting. She just stood there, looking down, standing close to me. Her hands were still holding on to my shirt hard. Her shoulders were shaking a little.

 

 

 

The guilt started hitting like a train wreck. The closed fist in my sides shook a little as I raise it to touch her, but put it back to my sides second guessing.

 

 

Bad llama! I am mentally slapping myself again and again, as I anticipate for her next move that is really taking too long.

 

 

"I'm sorry." she croaked before turning her back on me. The light hit her face when she turned and her cheeks glistened in tears.

 

 

It made me feel cold all over my body. What have you done stupid?

 

 

* * *

 

I took big gulps of air, to try to calm myself. Everything that just happened made me feel so weak. I let my body slide down from leaning on the car until my is touching the concrete. My limbs are trembling, and my mind is on an overdrive. Every nerve in my body that's being electrocuted by her presence a while ago are screaming for me to follow her.

 

 

 

To chase her again like I always do, but my feet felt like it weighs tons and I can't even think straight, so I stayed there, with the headlights and the spotlight giving me too much light for my liking.

 

 

I want darkness all of a sudden. I never really liked it, it's neither friendly nor assuring, but I want it to be dark now, I feel like I deserve to be stuck on the dark. It felt like I've made one of the worst mistakes I have ever done in my life even if I knew I just try to tell her what's on my head. Like how we have always been when we were younger. I wish we never grew up, because we learned how to hurt each other through words. Words brought us closer. Now it's tearing us apart.

 

 

 

The bitterness of my words leaves a bad taste in my mouth and it won't go away even if I swallowed numerous times already. I hit the back of my head on the cold steel of the car door, before getting up.

 

 

 

I need milk tea.

 

 

That's the only thought in my head that made sense to me, so I pull myself from the ground and get inside the car. I'm not really that familiar with roads, but I need to get moving. I need to do something before I lost my sanity in the spot where I made what seemed to be one of the greatest mistake I've ever done in my life even if a part of me is still stubbornly insisting that I didn't do anything wrong.

 

 

I closed my eyes for 3 heartbeats before driving out of the car park.

 

 

What have I done?

 

 

I was driving slowly, I didn't know where I can get a milk tea at this hour so I stopped in a gas station. This is the best I can have I guess. My mind went too quiet for my liking, maybe my demons as tired as me, but sleep is not an option at times like this. Sorry llama muscles, we're having another night vigil again.

 

 

 

The door made a soft thud when I went inside. There's someone smoking on the booth outside, but the person ignored me, she seems to be the only customer at the moment. The tired looking lady behind the counter piped up when she saw me, getting near. I have a chocolate drink and a pack of gummy worms in my arms.

 

 

She was still smiling as she punched my items on the machine. I can't help but smile at her. I paid her and give a little wave before going for the door. I sat 3 tables away from the smoking girl. She looks the same age as I am. I looked away when she almost caught me staring at her. I know most of the people feels uncomfortable when someone is eyeing them, just like Krystal.

 

 

I heaved a long sigh before opening the chocolate drink with pop, I took a long swig of the sweet liquid. It didn't help washing away the bitter taste in my mouth. I chewed 3 gummy worms at the same time.

 

 

 

I don't know what I am doing with my life anymore. I'm living my dream to perform and make people happy but I can't seem to get it right to make myself happy. I took another gulp of the chocolate.

 

 

 

I don't know why it have to be so hard for llamas to be happy. We'll I am happy in a sense I am, it'll be ungrateful to say otherwise, but it always felt like there's something missing. I'll find that missing piece someday because I have something more important to deal with.

 

 

Krystal.

 

She has touched my life way too deeper that I have expected. We have a very complex and simple relationship at the same time. She is my first love. My first terrible heartbreak if I must add, but at least she was one of my closest friends and I am hers. I wonder if it can still the same now. I took a handful of my favorite candy, chewing it robotically.

 

 

It taste bitter, too.

 

 

I spit it on the trash bin, and that caught the attention of the smoking person in front of me. She was staring at me with an unreadable expression. She raised the cigarette in her hand as if offering me to try it. I shook my head vigorously. Krys will hang me by my shoelaces if she'll find out that I tried smoking.

 

 

Ugghh-

 

 

I feel so frustrated with myself that I'm still thinking and over thinking about her even after the words I’ve said. Maybe it shows in my face because I heard a loud chuckle in front of me.

 

 

"You look cute. What's your name cutie?" she asked in English.

 

I just gaped at her.

 

"Stop trying too hard it'll get annoying. I know you can understand me babe."

 

"uhh-I'm Amber." I replied involuntarily, watching as the light of the cigarette, glows red making her face look oddly familiar and enigmatic to me.

 

"You know, you can drink beer instead of that thing if you have a problem."

 

She didn't say her name back. She just nod at the drink I am gulping. I didn't answer her. I just shook my head. I look away from her and stared at the car. I can still imagine Krystal standing in front of the car. Her face contorted in a furious expression. The image of those cold onyx eyes embedded on my iris. Her eyes are still glowing pitch black before I said those words. I took another handful of gummy worms, but I decided against swallowing another one. I heave another sigh again.

 

"Tell me."

 

The strager said after a while, her cigarette now gone. She's suddenly sitting on the chair directly in front of me. It made an irritating sound as she got settled. Her knees raise, she's looking at me intently. I wonder what this stranger is thinking and how she’s seeing me right now.

 

 

"I don't know you, you don't know me, but it'll make you feel better. No worries sweetie, I don't have a habit of remembering other people's crap."

 

"why are you doing this?"

 

"I'm bored, and you seem like you need it. You've been sighing a lot since you sit there, it's depressing. Go on spill, before I change my mind."

 

We we're silent after that. She's just watching me waiting for my response, I can see her hand twitch to the cigarette now on top of the table.

 

"You can smoke if you want."

 

She raised her eyebrows at that. My mind stopped going on overdrive as I contemplate on whether I should tell this stranger something so personal. The fact that she can talk in english doesn’t help that much. She might be a journalist, or someone who might know me, or Krystal.

 

Another sigh.

 

It's back to her again, like my brain is going on an unending circles and it'll always get back to her. I took another gulp of the chocolate drink. The girl in front of me is smoking again. She made a point blowing the smoke to the side.

 

"You know what? fine, don't tell me, just stop sighing it's starting to get irritating, but a piece of advice for you sugar, do something about whatever it is your sighing about instead of over thinking. It's okay to be reckless, it's okay to act on impulse, its okay to listen to your instincts. Look at me, one of the most rational in this planet, but do I look happy to you? It took me a while before I decide to just the world and do something about it. Do you know what happened because of calculating everything, because of endless planning, and weighing pros and cons of everything. I'm stuck in here, in this godforsaken place. They don't even sell a decent beer and that silly girl behind the counter is ing the owner and the owner’s son, but who cares that's just how people are. What's important is that I'm still trying to do something. Happiness is the rarest thing you know. I can't have it, even if I buy and sell a whole continent. I don't.."

 

 

Her monologue stopped when my phone vibrated on the steel table.

 

~We'll be leaving at dawn. You know what you have to do~

 

I stared at her manager’s message for a long time. I wonder if they know that it's only Luna and Krystal sleeping on our room now. She must be in our room at this moment. I know she should be. Soojung won't do anything stupid, but I still feel worried, more worried than I was before I sat here.

 

 

This stranger’s words is not helping either.

 

 

 

Why does it seem like she's encouraging me to do something terribly wrong even if she doesn't know why I'm here. Even if I don't know why I'm here anymore. It's wrong because of other people's opinion. It's wrong because of how things works in the society. It's wrong because there's always a greater force that is embedded in my head that says wrong, but it's right in a sense. It's right in a sense because it makes me happy, or so I try to convince myself.

 

At least this stranger feels strongly for happiness too. I tried to catch this strangers eyes. Same as Krystal's, pitch black but definitely sadder. I will never want to see her eyes to have its burning coals, burn out and fade like this.

 

"Why?"

 

"I told you I'm bored. You'll get bored if you’re doing the same thing every day for two years. Besides I find you cute. I hate it when cute people looks sad, because I made one cry, and I have been regretting that almost all my life. Don't imitate me okay?"

 

"but she's not cute she's beautiful." I whispered to myself.

 

"Then what are you waiting for. Do you wanna get stuck like me? You should go now kid. Do something about it. See that guy, that's the owner’s son. They'll be ing behind the counter but their too loud. If you don't want to hear them you better get out of here!"

 

She stood up, grabbing the pack of gummy worms.

 

"Thanks."

 

I just watch her. Slowly trying to absorb her words. She's going back to her original seat now.

 

"Wait, come with me. I'll drive you home, or at least to the bus stop. You should not stay here knowing, you know.."

 

"Nah, I can't, I wanted to be here when Pen comes back."

 

 

 

I peeked one last look on her before going back to the car. She's sitting the same way she does when she sat in front of me. Hugging her knees another, cigarette on her hand. She raised her hand like she's giving me a salute. I bowed at her.

 

 

I am driving as fast as I can. Ignoring the traffic lights. Ignoring blurry streetlights as I speed my way back to our room she must be there. She should be there. As soon as I locked the car's door I was sprinting towards the elevator. I wanted to go up through the stairs but I don't want to make too much noise. It's almost time to leave Guangzhou.

 

 

I am tapping my foot nervously, doing some popping moves every now and then as I wait for the elevator to stop. It's frustrating how it seem to go up more slowly than usual. I wanted to hit my fist on it's doors but I decided against it.

 

 

I've sent her a message even though I know she won't answer me.

 

 

As soon as the elevator doors open, I'm sprinting again, and I almost trip on my own feet as I try to find our room’s key card. I fumble with the lock, before I was able to open the door. I tipped toed inside.

 

 

She's lying on her side, her back on me. The lamp on her side is still on. Luna is snoring softly beside her.

 

 

I walk slowly towards her side of the bed, taking off my jacket and my snapback before tossing them to the couch. I don't want to give myself a leeway to hide from her. Not this time. She's my best friend after all.

 

 

I stood beside her. Leaning to see if she's already asleep, willing to wait until she wakes up, that's relatively shorter, compared to that strangers two years of waiting. I really should've asked her name.

 

 

My favorite cold onyx eyes are looking back at me.

 

 

 

I almost back down but I stayed leaning, my breathing still uneven from running. My hands are on my knees and my arms are shivering a little because of the room’s temperature. I didn't look away.

 

 

"Get out of my face stupid! I hate you!" she said harshly. Her voice sounds so hoarse. I knew I made her cry again. How I wish I won't make her cry I again.

 

 

"What are you doing? I said get the hell out of my face. Go back to that!-" she managed to stop herself. "I know you hate getting near trash." she said softly I almost didn't hear it. She sounded like she believed every word and I hate it. I hate that she feels that way, that I made her feel that way.

 

 

Desperate to make her understand that those words are not true. I kissed her without thinking. Acting on impulse, without thinking what will happen after.

 

 

Her lips are chapped and dry but still as soft as I remember it. As soft as how it always haunts my dreams. She feebly tried to push me away but I didn't let her. I held on to the back of her neck. Pulling her closer. She stopped struggling after awhile opting to hold fistfuls of my shirt, instead.

 

 

 

I didn't let her go until my lungs scream for air. I pulled back panting, staring at her closed eyelids intently. I was trembling not because of the temperature in the room, my heart was stuttering loudly as I will my innards to calm down. The nerve tingling makes me want to dance or something, anything, but I don’t want to break the moment.

 

 

Krystal was just looking at me. The tenderness in her gaze was making me weak in the knees. I don’t want look away but, I can take it anymore.

 

 

 

I sat on the carpet floor unable to hold my own weight, my back towards the bed. The kiss made me lightheaded. I moved without looking until my back rests on her of side the bed. I leaned my head back on its edge, to try to regain my breathing. I can feel her stomach's motion and it's moving rapidly. She's as out of breathe as I am.

 

 

"I can see that you’re playing the same dirty tricks as I am now Amber."

 

"Krystal."

 

"What? Denying it now? You know stupid, we belong together, even if you won't realize it. We are both trash."

 

"Move back."

 

"Why would I?"

 

I turned my head to look at her. I think I caught that small smile in her face before it fades back to her usual expression. Indifferent, but I know she's feigning annoyance. She's looking at me sharply.

 

 

"I'll lie on top of you if you won't move, princess."

 

"Don't call me that. I'm still mad at you. Just try, I'll push you, see if I care if you have broken bones."

 

"You will not baby jung. Just move. Please let me have more sleep." Luna's sleepy voice said from the other side of the bed. It' made me laugh a little. Krystal hit my head with her hand.

 

"Ow," she winced. I laugh harder.

 

"Stupid!"

 

I stood up still laughing at her. My phone’s lock screen says we only have 30 more minutes. I just opt to squeeze myself in between her and Luna.

 

"What are you doing?!!" her harsh tone is back.

 

"Krys, can we talk."

 

"We are already talking."

 

"Calmly."

 

"You expect me to calm down stupid? Look at you and me now. Tell me how the can I calm down."

 

"I thought you hate profanities princess?"

 

"I said don't call me that! I will cuss whenever I want, it's none of your business. May I remind you I am your trash?"

 

"And I am your's princess. That makes us both scums."

 

"You are not funny amber unniiee."

 

"Krystal please." I reached for her cheeks, my fingertips shaking a little. I run my thumb on her eyebrows, looking directly in her eyes. Our faces are just 2 inches away from each other. I smiled when she didn't move her face away even if her face remain expressionless. My favorite cold onyx orbs are glinting, the tinge of sadness on it made me swallow hard. I missed you so much. I said in my head.

 

She didn't move away from my fingers, returning my stare. She's silently watching me.

 

"I won't apologize because I know I mean what I said when I said it. I don't know what's happening to me Krys. I just don't know what to do anymore." I admitted honestly, my thumb now playing with her lower lip. She remained silently, and unmoving as if she's contemplating whether she should believe me or not. Perhaps she's thinking whether she'll take my words seriously because I know that she's still mad at me. I can feel that she still is.

 

 

Her hands that are closed to fist is lying limply between us. I wish she would say something. Anything.

 

 

"I am sorry. I am sorry that I hurt you. I am sincerely sorry. I'm sorry that at that moment, I wanted to hurt you. I wanted to make you feel as bad as you make me feel, because it hurts princess. It hurts so much."

 

 

My voice sounded so broken even to me, that I whined loudly in my head. I made a very girly sound when I felt something cold on my cheeks. Her cold palms are on my face, gentle like how my fingers are slowly tracing her cheekbones.

 

 

"Go on." She said her tone, demanding, but the look in her face almost made me sob like a kid. I whispered the next words, not really knowing if Luna's already asleep or not.

 

 

 

"I don'twant to lose you princess. They--those people don't like this," I wiggle my fingers in front of us, gesturing to her and me. She pulls my hand back to her face. "They got a point Krys, this will not be good for you, or anyone. And Mom, she will be disappointed too. Even your Dad, he warns me. Your manager is emphatic, but he's just doing his job. People are talking too. I'm so worried about you. I...I don't know what to do anymore, but I have to talk to you, I have to tell you something. Anything, anything that will make you understand because I don't wanna be like that lady. I don't..."

 

"shhh, luna"

 

"I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry soojungie. Please don't hate me if...if I...I just want to make you happy. I'm sorry, I really don't want to lose you"

 

"Do you understand what you're asking of me stupid? What about me? Do you really think I will be happy if you make that choice?"

 

"It's your dreams Krys, you grew to love it until it becomes who you are. It became your life, and and you have your dreams on the tips of your fingers, but then there I was."

 

She just smile at me almost bitterly. The expression on her face changed until it become the face that used to assure me every time I got frustrated with my failed Korean...every time it felt like I really don't belong to this country. She was there, and now she's here, looking at me that way, hours after I made her cry. I wanted to pull her close but I didn't. I let my fingers lay still on the nape of her neck.

 

"Amber” the tone of her voice is too low. I have to lean closer to hear her. "do what you think is right. I will try to understand, because I know you will make the right decision. I trust you stupid and just so you know, I love you."

 

 

I'm blinking at her rapidly. It felt like my heart is stuck in my throat and I wanted to pee but I really don't need to pee. Her eyes are trying to catch mine but I can't look back at her. I wanted to jump and scream in the bed but at the same time I just wanted to drown myself in the bathtub.

 

 

Perfect timing as always princess.

 

 

It felt like I am having a brain seizure but I can't stop smiling like crazy. She has said love you to me thrice already, but its the first time she used the word I and I knew it was different. Her hands are now pulling my hair hard annoyed.

 

 

"Say something stupid!"

 

 

I can't help but laugh silently at the worried frown in her face. She really sounds so irritated. I find it really cute. Now she's back to glaring at me.

 

 

"Oh my god Jung Soojung, what are you doing to me." I said my shoulders are shaking from laughter.

 

She yanked my hair harder I winced.

 

"This is not funny stupid-Amber-stupid-stupid! Is oh my god my name the best thing that you can do? Stop laughing I'm making myself vulnerable here!"

 

 

"shhh." I said pressing my palm on . Luna is stirring behind me. I waited a few moments before we continued our conversation. I sighed when I remembered that the managers will be knocking any minute now.

 

 

My hand is the only barrier separating our faces. I can clearly see the worried frown on hers this close and I feel bad for laughing at her. I slowly took off my hand and peck her on the nose.

 

"Sorry not laughing anymore Krystal"

 

"Call me princess, stupid. That's so basic." She's rolled her eyes at me with a playful smirk in her lips.

 

"I thought you don't want me to call you that?"

 

"That's because I'm mad at you. I am still mad at you, but I am not that mad anymore."

 

"but your still mad krys, so can't call you that."

 

"Do you really want me to get mad for real again amber liu?"

 

"No your highness. Of course not. Where's your phone. Let's listen to music, just like always...Princess."

 

She raised her body a little to reach for her phone that she lied on, while we are talking, her earphones are still entangled on her. I reach for it to help her are foreheads are touching.

 

"You can choose." She said after we are settled. We are lying on our backs now. Sharing the same pillow. Her fingers are playing with mine. Our foot is touching and I noticed that she still has her shoes on too.

 

 

I just shuffled the song and press play.

 

 

"Princess, why didn't you take off your shoes?" I asked with my eyes closed, our fingers are now intertwined. She didn't answer, she just sang softly with the voice on the earphone that we are sharing.

 

 

~You have the pow'are to hypnotize me. Let me live 'neath your spell. Do do that vodoo that you do so well. For you do something to me That nobody else can do.~

 

 

I am having an internal debate on whether I should tell her that her voice sounds so much better than the person singing on our ears when, a knock on the door startled me. I turned my head to my side quickly, and I am almost surprise she does the same too. Looking at me, like she's afraid of something. Like the little girl I've watch growing into a very fine young lady.

 

 

I squeezed her hand and pressed my lips on her forehead. I pulled away just to see that she has her eyes closed, her lips are parted a little, I can see her eye lids fluttering.

 

 

For the second time that day I didn't think before I act. I let the impulse and the need win over.

 

 

I kissed her with our fingers intertwined. I didn't pull her closer because I am afraid I will not be able to let her go when the time comes that I have to.

 

Another knock.

 

I forcefully pulled away from her. My eyes are still closed. My brain sending, warning signals in my body that I should get out of bed, but I stayed for a few more seconds, enjoying the feel of her breathe fanning in my face.

 

"Stupid."

 

Perhaps I really am.