Awake.

 

 

My cheeks are pressed onto the mattress as I stare at you. We are supposed to be choosing songs that will be part of the final list that you'll be passing to the company but we are both tired I guess. It has been what 3 days or 5 I've lost count. All I know is that days without you are long and days with you are short. I've been having long days since our little silly waxy shenanigan in your apartment, I wish it were different.

 

 

Wishes are wishes though. Reality caught on us faster that I would've wanted it and through the means that I didn't see coming to be perfectly honest. It was Jackie, our sweet loud and caring Jackie who looked at us like we have lepers and calls me a user.

 

 

User.

 

 

It echoes awake or no it does. It's beyond me really, that after all these years that I've spent denying to myself the kind of happiness that I don't really think I deserve, I only had the courage just one night and it turned out a little bit, dramatic and excruciating. Painful indeed, because when I still don't understand what is what, I think it was magic. Like the Disney world it's happiest place, with you.

 

 

You.

 

 

You're big adorable nose and your well-trimmed eyebrows. I wonder if they'll flip if they realize that there were those days that we do each other’s eyebrows.

 

 

I bit back the sob or the laugh that tries to escape, the painful is back. It is not magic these days, when I realize and I finally understood this and that and this. A part of society will never have same opinion, ideals, or interpretation to most of the things; that even the word love, companionship, romantic relationship is bound with trifling rules of conformity especially in our country. The same applies to our dreams although of different forms, and life itself.

 

 

I don't wish to understand more of what and how and why but I need to understand. Somehow, I did partially, it's hard to tell, although I hate what I understood. I loathe it with every fiber of my being, and there's nothing anyone can do about it. Not you or me or anyone else. It's a centuries old flaw of our species, I doubt if even something as quintessential as love have a profound effect that may change it.

 

 

 

Choices and options, illusions to retain control over things or people. The lack of power to have that, only time can tell. At least you and I both know the truth. It's perfectly pellucid to both our eyes. Hopefully we know of the same truth.

 

 

 

Truth, there are different kinds of truth. Certainties, those kind of truth that we usually take for granted. Like the fact that my dumb cardiac muscles always react differently towards you. It's certain because it always happen like that. It's as simple as when you hold your iPhone, you know for sure that it's hard. You know how it feels touching your phone. It's certain. A certainty.

 

 

Like the fact that you’re breathing pattern indicates that you've not been sleeping well again and that you'll open your eyes as soon as I take my hand off of your hand. This certainties make up my happiness. I know you understand it, beyond the verbose and the play of words.

 

 

 

I am happy when I'm with you. That's a certainty, like the feel of our hands pressed together via our interlocked fingers, and the dragons in my stomach and the lightheaded feeling when we kiss. It's hormonal, a friend says but it still one of the certainties that I will forever keep in my heart with the girl Soojung. I'll lock it there.

 

 

You're eyelashes starts to move, a single flicker after a more noticeable one. I close my eyes and feign sleep. I still haven't redeemed my pride from your stupid late night visit the other day. No need to feed your ego more, it might burst. I snort in my head, remembering you visibly trembling under my mom's gaze. Stooopid.

 

"Soojung! Krystal! Krystal Unniiiee. Noona-ah! Soojung noona! Gongu-nim!"

 

 

I bite the inside of my cheek to stop the big grin that is forcing it's way on my facial muscles subtly burying my face deeper in the mattress. Where are the pillows when I need one?

 

 

 

"Gongu-nim! Soojung-ahh! Jung Soojung! Jung Noona!"

 

 

I turn my back on you letting a small smile escape. The giddy feeling makes me roll my eyes at myself, because you're doing nothing out of the ordinary just the usual anno-

 

 

"My hachiko! Dudungie! Dudungie-ahhhhh!..."

 

 

"You are seriously calling me your dog?!" I snapped at you, my left eye twitching. I must've miscalculated the distance when I rolled over.

 

 

 

The inexistent distant between our bodies makes the electric charge zap back to normal levels. If one can call nerve endings tingling hard normal, but I don't mind, it feels nice like our nose touching.

 

You're almost cross-eyed looking like a cute lost surprised puppy. My annoyance is going away unwillingly faster than I wanted.

 

 

"uh-yeah.err, y-you know lo-love love run hachi hachiko so yeah"

 

 

Cute and stuttering.

 

 

"Okay... so you're calling me your dog because you love hachiko so much you made a song for him is that it?"

 

My left eyebrows rises up slowly as I secretly enjoy you squirm while making an effort to keep the closeness. Oh God Amber Liu, why does this feel so...

 

"ah, I- I dunno, maybe, is it bad? You-" A gulp, followed by another and another, I bit my lower lip to keep my poker face.

 

 

"Jung Soojung for the love of all the cute puppies stop doing that."

 

"Stop what? You're not answering my question stupid. Aish. Dog, so I'm an effin dog to you, oh my-"

 

You kissed me. Gently, our lips are barely touching but I felt it and it makes me warm, so warm that I failed to stop the small smile.

 

"...God. Amber!" "Don't Oh my God me Krystal"

 

We speak at the same time when you pulled away. You're eyes are still close and you kept the miniscule distance. My teeth grinds because it’s getting out of control again. We have not even finish listening to the first set of songs. We are helpless, I sigh, before shifting in bed until I'm lying on my back.

 

 

"Stupid we talked about this over tea the other night."

 

 

Another sigh from me. You remain silent, and I can feel you moving until your head is resting on my chest. My hands automatically move to your messy locks. They were rougher than usual but still very much familiar like your weight.

 

 

I halt the movements of my fingers as soon as I became conscious of my actions. It makes you break your silence or maybe not.

 

 

"I know. It's just so... unfair. I understand reasons, we've had that straightened out for a while now. Even Mom, your mom I mean, agrees that it's the best thing to do. I dunno anymore. I promised a miracle, but it seems like the only miracle I am capable of is making you shut up with a kiss and not dying. I'm, I'm lost here princess."

 

You're arms weaved around my waist and you pull me closer to you. It’s pathetic how I didn’t even protests. I wet my chapped lips as I thought of a proper response to that. It's not every day that my stupid talks and sounds as helpless as you are at the moment. It's ironic in a sense, you are making yourself vulnerable to me this way especially when we both know that I am the one who leans on you for support most of the time.

 

 

"Who says you're not dying stupid?" was my response still lost for the right words, my fingers resumes with its favorite hobby. Your hair locks really feels rougher that I remembered but it's still felt the same.

 

 

 

I honestly preferred your hair black, but all hair color suits you anyway.

 

 

"I won't." you replied immediately resting your chin on my chest while smiling at me cheekily. The smile didn't reach your eyes though, I want your smile to always reach your eyes. That's the kind of certainty I want to never change.

 

 

"You will stupid." I whispered with a smirk before moving my fingers lower tickling you in the neck and the spot near your armpit. You tried hard to squirm away from the tickling onslaught but I have you locked in place with my legs. The guffaw of laughter erupting from you made me giggle just as loud.

 

"stop HAHAHAHA Krys HAHAHA not-not HAAHAHA"

 

"say mercy first."

 

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

 

"God jung. HAHAHAHA stah-"

 

"Mercy Liu. Mercy."

 

"K-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA"

 

"yes stupid?

 

"Mercy!"

 

You hold on tightly to my wrists as soon as I stop tickling you. We are both panting heavily with goofy smiles in our faces. You're obviously tired from laughing too much but the light in your eyes is back. The smile reaches your eyes and you look so adorable like that.

 

I kiss you not as gently as you did a while ago. It is honest and messy and it feels surreal but you are responding so well. My heart is angrily telling me to keep doing it, and my soul was humming gently each second you’re near.

 

 

Thankfully my lungs screamed for air before I lost control. More lost I mean. I shouldn't be kissing you like that anymore. I let my head drop heavily on the mattress as I try to reign my thoughts and my breathing.

 

 

 

You and Me alone is really not a very good idea. I pull my hands from your grip and covered my cheeks with my palms. My eyes automatically shut as I try to find my focus somewhere in the ruins of my well arrayed thoughts before you woke up. We seriously need to work on your final set list, that's the less complicated ordeal at the moment.

 

 

"Hey."

 

"Hmmm."

 

"Stop thinking too much. We can do this. We are Amber and Krystal of f(x). I hate it as much as you do, but it's for the best right? Explore the world for me, I always love seeing the world through your eyes. It's a privilege, and I'd like to keep it, as much as I'd like to keep you. I can't live without you Soojung. If this is really the only way. Fine I'll bear with it. Someday. It's obvious now, I can't promise forever or tomorrow, or a damn miracle although you and I already is a miracle but I promise you someday. Someday princess."

 

 

I can taste blood from biting my lower lip hard as I keep our eye contact. You're at you're eloquent moment again. It's making my heart burst of emotions I try to suppress. I can feel my cheeks get wet, this is the happiness I've been denying myself half my life. It's barely in the palm of my hands.

 

 

John Lennon is not crazy for wishing for happiness like that.

 

 

"Amber." I whispered your name and you just nod at me encouragingly. I force a gulp through my dry throat.

 

A deep shuddering breathe.

 

 

"I'll wait for someday. I won't ever let you go when someday comes. That's my promise and no stupid, it's not me it's you. I see the world in monochrome when I understood things, you see when you know what is what you grew sadder, there's such a big price to pay to get out of obliviousness. It's through your eyes that I see the world in breath taking clarity and vibrancy despite knowing its shadows..."

 

Silence.

 

Our breathing is back to normal and our position is starting to get uncomfortable. The slight sore is irrelevant at the moment though. I just want it to last while it still can. At least I’ve got to keep my best friend. I said in my head again and again as I watch you stare at me like you always do.

 

“Krys.”

 

You distanced yourself from me, until your lying on your side. The look in your face is hopeful, shy, and honest. Big brown doe eyes locked on my face with your eyebrows moving a little. You’re endearingly nervous about something. I close my eyes embedding that look in your face. It’s one of my favorite looks in your face.

 

 

“Hmmm.”

 

“I lo-“ “Don’t say it.” I said softly moving my head a little from side to side.

 

I mimic your position, my cheeks are resting on the mattress again. Your eyes are level with mine.

 

 

“But I want to. I want the whole world to know if it’s up to me.”

 

Your whining voice sounds huskier than normal as you tugged on your hair frustrated like a kid. I pulled your hands off of your blond locks, placing one on my waist while holding on to the other. You intertwined our fingers.

 

“You don’t have to, I know. That’s enough right?...Someday. Okay?” I said softly in English with the biggest smile I can muster.

 

“Someday.” You nodded enthusiastically moving your face closer. It tick off the internal battle in my head. I don’t want to move away, but I know I should be moving away. We should start to draw the best friend’s line back soon. The thicker the better.

 

 

“uh-huh, Someday.” Was my answer as I absentmindedly play with your fingers.

 

“Yep, you’ll be my Jagiya someday.” The conviction in your voice makes me smile bitterly to myself. How I wish someday is tomorrow, but truths exist. Hard, cold reality that we don’t want to run away from.

 

 

“Really? Why am I thinking that you’ll have a long list of that jagiya before someday comes.” I voiced out loudly before I can stop myself. It sounded bitter, but I can’t do anything about that. I’m just too used to being honest with you in---

 

“Don’t worry your highness you’ll always have this regardless. No matter what.” You placed our interlocked hands in the middle of your chest, your other hands raised like you’re swearing. It makes me smile involuntarily, the safe distance is back at least.

 

“I’m not worried about that. It’s just, I don’t know Amber. I… I’ll wait for someday. Just be happy.”

 

You are not pleased with my answer. The protruded lips and the down casted eyes made my knees feel like jelly. It’s a good thing we’re lying down. You groan before slowly raising your eyes.

 

 

“The things I do for you. Tch.” You said exasperatedly as you place your palm in my nape.

 

 

It makes me shudder, but I can’t move away from your touch. I want run away from this room, because we are just making it harder for ourselves. It’s not goodbye, but it doesn’t make it any easier.

 

 

 

Another reign of silence.

 

 

The longest since I step in your bedroom. We’re just staring at each other. The songs you composed on the loop. It’s ringing in the four corners of the room. It felt perfect like this. It’s the kind of certainty that I will never take for granted. The feel and the smell of your bed covers in my cheeks. The feel of your warm stare as your gaze caresses my face. Your heartbeat chasing after my own reverberating in our interlocked hands. Soft gentle touch that is definitely you. Lying close to you.

 

The feel of Home.

 

“Princess…”

 

It’s in your quirky english. A naughty thought occurred in my head.

 

“Jagiya?”

 

“Wha-what?!” You’re blinking rapidly and you’re heartbeat accelerated if that’s even possible. The mouth gaping confused look in your face made me want to pinch your cheeks but I didn’t. That’s admittedly a very dry joke or maybe not. I honestly just want to try, because I might not be able to call you that at all. One less what if for me.

 

 

“Practice stupid, just practicing. You were saying?” I said with a forced smirk. You look like you want to cry but I shrugged the heavy feeling in my stomach off immediately, because you moved too close until your face is hovering over mine.

 

“Okay. Okay. Okay. Ms. Jung. Let’s play this game shall we. Close your eyes jagiya.”

 

The last sentence is whispered. I gulped, burying my head as deep as it is physically possible on bed. My hands are pinned on the sides of my head. You used your husky voice when you pronounced the word jagiya. My toes curled. God damn it Liu.

 

 

“ugh, oh god, I’m shuddering hard, that’s, let’s just stick to princess okay?” I feigned irritation or whatever it is. The giddiness that is starting to resurface in face makes my ears and cheeks warm. Things are not supposed to turn out this way.

 

 

You move closer, barely an inch distance in between our lips. Your hair is tickling my forehead. My breathing hitched. I close my eyes anticipating for another kiss despite the loud protest of reason in my head.

 

I felt your lips pressed in my forehead, lingering there like a silent promise.

 

Someday.

 

“We should finish the set list Krys. Come on up. You won’t have your coffee unless we’re done.”