People come and go in front of me. Some spare me a glance, maybe wondering why I am hiding my face or maybe just curious as to why I am watching them intently. Others just pass by, too busy with their own worlds.

 

 

I opt to watch my surroundings tiredly as we wait for the van to come. I am the last to arrive because of the drama filming. It is actually a great relief since I am able to dodge the inevitable airplane ride with you, which would’ve be painfully awkward for sure.

 

 

Unconsciously, I raise hand to my face mask, brushing the pads of my fingers to my covered lips. That kiss is really something. It must be considering that it brings about loads of problem. At least, that is one less what if for me when I'm older.

 

I have replayed that moment a thousand times in my head still wondering why I kissed you but I can't give a decent explanation even to myself.

 

It’s not as if I planned it. It happened so fast, I can’t even regret it. It was maybe because I just missed you so much, you shut me out completely after the talk. It is not supposed to be so hard. I’ve already anticipated that you will react that way. Any normal person will probably react the way you did, but the experience is a million times worse than I have expected.

 

 

It is troublesome enough that we have to ignore each other in front of the ever knowing eyes of people, but you ignoring me outrightly makes me want to gut you at the same time hug you and at the same time run in front of a speeding 10 wheeler.

 

 

In case it is still not obvious that is me officially going nuts because of you. At least my schedule is heavily filled. I have all the available distractions not to think of you, the kiss and the mounting problems that comes with it.

 

***

 

Everyone is rehearsing for the performances this evening. It seems like I am walking endless hallways to get to where everyone is. I try hard to control my breathing and my heartbeat because this will be the first time that I'll be facing you after the kiss.

 

 

I didn't even know why I did that. I just hope it won’t make matters worse between us considering everything that is going on between us and on our separate lives. Although who am I kidding, it'll either make it worst or it'll make it worst.

 

 

I let go of a very long sigh before stepping into the brightness and my eyes immediately seek for you. It isn’t really hard to find you. You are a few steps away from the stage. You look happy as always.

 

 

“Stupid”, I whispered fondly, almost feeling dizzy because my heart is doing that thing again. You’re too far from where I am standing for crying out loud. Besides you’re on your favorite attire, nothing fancy just you, but that dumb muscle won’t relax.

 

I force myself to look away and hurriedly go to the spot where Vic unnie and Luna unnie are sitting. They embrace me warmly and asks me about my flight and all other things. I try to answer them as enthusiastically as they are asking their questions, but my attention is mostly focused on the thing beside Luna unnie.

 

Vic Unnie notices and she laugh out loud, pulling me so that I am seated in between the two of them. She reaches out for the smoking bowl and hands it to me. Luna unnie looks like she wants to protest but a stern look from Vic unnie stops her.

 

Oh the perks of being the maknae.

 

 

Luna unnie hands me the chopsticks with a smile. I smile my biggest smile to thank her. She pinches my cheeks in response and allows me eat without interruption. Vic unnie does the same.

 

I look up the stage when the upbeat music starts. You are there dancing and singing with Seohyun. This is the first time I've watch you with her this close.

 

My vision tunneled when I see you place your hand on that area.

 

"Hey, dudungie, it’s okay Luna is not mad, eat it. We actually sneaked that because we know you'd be hungry but we also know your diet and all. Don't worry no one will see you here."

 

I just nod in response still looking at you closely.

 

You are dancing happily to the beat, singing your part well. My eyes are already squinting because you are too close. The distance between you and Seo is just too close for my comfort. I mean for the songs choreography.

 

"Is it not delicious jungie?"

 

I shake my head hard and take a mouthful of noodles, forcing a smile. I couldn’t even pay attention to my burning tongue when you look at her that way. You are not supposed to look at her that way stupid!

 

 

The chopstick I am holding snaps in two as I glare at you and Seo. Luna takes away the broken chopsticks in my hand without a word. She just replaces it with another one, waving my explanations off.

 

 

Great.

 

 

I look at Vic unnie’s direction just to see her grinning at me.

 

 

Really great.

 

 

I can only look down at the smoking bowl in front me, trying to calm my nerves. This is not good. I should stop acting this way. I will act composed and enjoy the food. I tried even if it tastes like cardboard.

 

 

I eat silently not daring to watch you rehearse again. After I finish the bowl, I start a conversation with Vic unnie and Luna unnie to cover up for my sudden show of violence. I did this while swearing again and again in my head.

 

 

I.will.strangle.you.when.I.get.a.hold.of.you.Amber.Josephine.Liu.

 

 

***

 

I am dying to corner you and rip you into pieces and it is not helping that Vic unnie and Luna unnie are smiling at me that way. I try to steer the conversation back to my chopstick breaking accident to clear things out but the two of them just shrug it off. Luna unnie even made an off handed comment that it’s nothing unusual.

 

 

I immediately look at Vic unnie to hear her contradict Luna unnie but she just winks at me, nodding her head to your direction.

 

 

 

Before I can make a loud it is not! protest, the stage crew are already signaling for us to gather in the stage. This make the two unnies drag me enthusiastically while discarding the ramen bowl with a very swift throw to a bin.

 

 

 

I do not react violently everytime. Sometimes but that does not count at all since usual means most of the time. I do not break chopsticks often, that was a onetime thing.

 

 

 

 

So it is not a USUAL occurrence I swear.

 

 

 

 

I fiercely defended in my head as I let the two of them pull me closer to you. I can hear Vic unnie's excited squeal of your name so I look up and focus on you instead.

 

 

 

 

You should not be looking at me that way again.

 

 

 

 

You should be focusing on Minho and Key oppa's silly dancing in front of you. You should not have that at-awe-expression back with your eyes so obviously focused on me that makes Jongin oppa grin mischievously at your direction.

 

 

 

You should be ignoring me outrightly like you have done the past weeks. You should hate me remember? For those unkind words, and my harsh tone. You should not be looking at me like I am your princess because I don't deserve that. I don't deserve you.

 

 

 

 

Not after everything that has been said and done.

 

 

 

 

I said sorry because I know I owe you an apology for hurting you all this time. I apologized for all the pain but I did not say those words to have you looking at me like that again. I said those words to put an end to everything to stop you from hurting, so you should not be staring at me like that at all because that is how it’s supposed to be.

 

 

 

I firmly believe that, I forced myself to believe that and stopped thinking too much about it because that is how adult stuff works. I want to stay true to my words. Although, wanting and acting on it are two different stories, because obviously my heart is not with me on this since it won't stop beating like crazy. I don’t think my stomach is either because it feels like its flipping upside down or something. The worst one so far is the automatic bright smile that is plastered on my pale face right now.

 

 

 

I so hate you for making me feel this way. A little less for making me dazed and making me kiss you without thinking. A little more for forgiving me easily.

 

 

 

 

 

"ihhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh",

 

 

 

 

 

Oh my god, Luna is definitely spazzing beside me so I look away from you. We should not be making a scene here, we'll be in too much trouble if we do.

 

 

 

 

12 more steps.

 

 

 

 

Standing directly in front of you with your pin up smile and arms around Minho and Key is nothing unusual. That should’ve earned the offhanded comment Luna unnie made a while ago, but today it felt different. I can feel an invisible pull drawing me to you. The said "pull" has always been present, but today it so much stronger and I have to link my arms with Vic unnie to keep me grounded in a safe distance away from you.

 

 

 

 

Who knows what might happen if I take a few more steps closer to you. What if I kiss you again? That will be foolproof and hot considering I am currently wearing one of your shirts... and disastrous. Suicidal actually, but who knows as I have said, ‘ I am officially going nuts because of you.’  So I am definitely not taking my chances. I like trying out new things, but I am not up for a daredevil move that will shatter your dreams and mine and our other members'.

 

 

 

 

I hit my forehead on Vic unnie's shoulder when I thought of that. The kiss is really turning to be a bad move. I should not be thinking of kissing you in broad daylight in front of the whole SM ent.

 

 

 

 

Holy mother of God I need a distraction.

 

 

 

As if hearing my desperate pleas, the SNSD unnies came rushing before we can start marching to the stage. The floor directors didn't mind this because it seems like they are fussing over something. Maybe there's a glitch on our set list.

 

 

 

Taeyon unnie and the other unnies, immediately assaulted everyone with hugs and kisses. They even made a point of playfully pushing Minho off to squeeze you into a koala hug. I am watching this in amusement while I stand a little bit farther from them.

 

 

 

Jessica unnie is usually the first one to smother me during this moments and her absence makes me look away from the scene. It's a cold reminder of how much the reality and how it can still catch up with me no matter how much I try not to think of it.

 

 

 

A warm embrace startles me, and I almost pullaway if Yuri unnie didn't speak. Whisper actually.

 

 

 

"I'm sorry Soojungie."

 

 

 

I embrace her back not saying a word because I don't know what to say. She can be apologizing for a lot of things. Maybe she's even indirectly apologizing to my sister for whatever it's worth. I return the embrace with a genuine one and pull away before it becomes awkward.

 

 

I hate what I am seeing when I let go of Yuri unnie. I should have held on to her a little longer because the scene in front of me makes me want to take the chords on my feet and tie it on your arms and around neck because you are doing that staring contest with the SNSD's maknae again.

 

 

 

 

I grit my teeth and tried keep my cool because I should not be breaking anything anymore. I take a deep breath and fake a smile before pulling anyone from the group into a hug. I don't mind skinship to keep me from murdering you.

 

 

When Tiffany unnie let go of me whispering a sickly sweet "tone it down princess", our group is called to the stage and one of the most awkward rehearsals begin.

 

 

 

It seems like your avoiding me again all of a sudden and I am trying hard to steer clear away from you because I might tear your head off or kiss you. I didn't cuss often because that's apparently unladylike, but GODDAMN it why can't I stop thinking about kissing you or asphyxiating you right now?

 

 

 

 

 

It's definitely not helping that Rum Pum Pum Pum is playing and the choreography of this song requires skinship with you. I wonder what I did wrong to turn one my favorite dance into an excruciating nightmare. My palms are tingling so hard when it came in contact with your skin and I have to run it through my hair to hide its trembling. At least we are looking anywhere but each other's eyes because this song might end with a fiasco with two possible endings.

 

 

 

One, I become part of the headlines because I slay a fellow member by accident due to the said member’s stupid staring contest with my sister’s former bandmate.

 

 

 

or

 

 

 

Two a more horrifying one, F(X) disbands because I kiss the llama member senseless in front of the whole SM crowd.

 

 

 

 

 

I sing and dance while contemplating the con's and con's of the two scenarios. Accepting it as a handy distraction no matter how foul it may sound because I can't mess up in the rehearsals. Tired or going nuts I refuse make a fool of myself in front of everyone.

 

 

 

"Aye aye its a red light, light"

 

 

 

 

Yes definitely a red light. At least this songs makes you stand as far away from me as possible. The song ends with some of our seniors clapping happily, I hurried to the wash rooms, that line in our song echoing loudly in my head.