The steady rhythm of my fingers soothes me. It has been a long time since I’ve played and my fingers are already protesting but I need to clear my head.

 

 

 

Kreisleriana is very beautiful and esoteric. It clears my head. The aching of my fingers throbbed with each movement but I ignore it. I close my eyes, letting the tune calm my mind, the keys are tricky but I like it that way.

 

 

I continue torturing my fingers mindlessly, allowing my mind to go blank. This piano piece is the only complicated thing I can afford to have these days. The profound circumstances that has been crowding my life can be too much. At least the calm tones echoing all over this deserted room felt surreal.

 

 

Perhaps the next best thing to the tune my fingers are creating is that I am alone at last.

 

 

It that I will have to sacrifice sleep to have a time for myself but I need this. I need to sort the thoughts in my head because I don't wanna go mental in front of anyone. How I wish I am sixteen again, worrying about complex routines, sneaking sweets, and stepping away from my sister's looming shadow.

 

 

It might not be easy trying to be seen beyond being Jessica Jung's younger sister, but maybe that is a so much better dilemma that what I have now. Ah, the great Jessica Jung, I wish I can hate her sometimes, maybe then I would stop caring too much about her and maybe, just maybe things will be a little less harder; but I can't, not really.

 

 

I can get irritated at my sister, yell at her, and I may have the strong urge to smack her head hard with her Ipad but I just cannot hate her, no matter how irrational that may sound to someone who knows the current ordeal.

 

 

I finish the song with a soft tone and try to shut down the thoughts of my sister in my head. The silence of the room makes my musings echo loudly in my head so I started playing Sir Robert Schumman's masterpiece again, determined to drown the worries that feed the demons in my head.

 

 

I smelled you before I feel your presence behind me. I hate it that of all the people who would disturb me at this time it is you. I choose to ignore you and keep on abusing my fingers. A part of me wishes so hard that you would just disappear and leave me at peace, but a bigger part of me craves for your presence. It aches for home.

 

 

I miss pressing the next key and it disrupts the tone. I angrily hit the clavier again and again, taking out all of my frustrations on the poor instrument.

 

You gently held both my hands together, laughing at my actions.

 

"Woah, there there mozzart, I dont wanna be a witness to a very brutal piano massacre" you said brightly, pressing my hands to my chest.  Haven't I told you how I hate back hugs because I can't see the other person's expression. Not just that, haven't I told you how I hate getting touched by anyone, but as always you conveniently forgot that and do the complete opposite.

 

 

If this is your idea of prank, I promise to punch you in the gut hard the next time we meet. I'll just let you have your way now.

 

 

Silence engulfs the room for a long time. You pull me closer with a sigh ignoring my halfhearted protests every once in a while. This time the silence didn't amplify my anguish. The silence seems to have morphed its essence because of your presence. It's friendlier, and calming in a beautiful way like how Kreisleriana is, maybe even better.

 

 

The sound of a vibrating phone on the coffee table behind us startles me back to reality. You casually pick it up and turned it off, facing me again with a brighter smile this time.

 

 

 

"Dudungie, can you play again. Something happier please, for me as a birthday present you know. You didn’t give me one this year. Pretty please" You asked cheerfully while putting your hands together and looking at me bright eyed. How can you still look like a silly kid when you’re already a 22 year old lady?

 

 

 

An over enthusiastic kid, I must add, because you didn't even wait for my answer, you excitedly pull me back in front of the piano and got me seated. You are looking at me expectantly like a child waiting for a treat.

 

 

 

I just look back at you, not bothering to talk because I really don't know what to say. You shouldn't really be here. No not at all. If anyone sees you and me together at this time of the day on this place it will be really really messy.

 

You get impatient as always and began hitting the keys the way that you know will irritate me. I just glare at you still thinking of the right words to say. You grin bigger in response and hit the tabs harder like a maniac.

 

 

"Stop it stupid." I said harshly. You stop assaulting the piano and ignored the harsh tone. You are still smiling at me like an idiot. I wish I can still intimidate you like how I did before.

 

 

"Fine but you will stop bothering me after this okay?"

 

 

 

That earns an enthusiastic nod from you, as you try to keep on melting me with that look on your face and that smile. I wonder why your teeth don't break whenever you’re smiling at me as big and bright as that. I stared back at you for a moment, observing you. The side of your eyes crinkles and I can’t help but smile back at you, my first genuine smile for the day.

 

 

 

I almost didn’t want to break the moment but the wall clock says 15 minutes pass 3. Pulling my phone from my pocket, I force myself to stop staring at you to search for that song.

 

 

"Here, hold my phone, I just need to search something."

 

 

"No! this is not Soojung's I need to use my iphone moment. This is give soojung's llama her birthday present moment. So na ah not happening." You replied crossing your arms.

 

 

"I need to search something for your present so just hold the phone, or do you want me to not give you your present and kick you out of this room instead?"

 

 

You held your palm up as a signal for me to wait, before you pull the coffee table closer to my seat.

 

"Hey!"

 

 

"Shh, Princess give me the phone, l want my birthday present now."

 

 

I toss my phone to you without another word, then search for my earphones in my pockets. You’re expectant look is amusing and distracting. My heart starts to act annoying again, but I ignored it. You won’t notice, you’re busy being you. You’re actually holding the phone in front of me, like my personal phone stand.

 

 

 

"Hold it this high okay, I just need to see how this song is done." I instructed, adjusting your hold on the phone.

 

 

 

"Why can't you just hold it yourself Krystal? I mean I really-"

 

 

"Because if I will, the song I'll play for you won’t be a surprise anymore, you like peeking when I told you not to, remember?" I answered, smirking when I see the tips of your ears turn red.

 

 

 

"I didn't even see anything!" you mumbled softly choosing not to contradict me anymore. I plug in my earphones and searched for the song I'll be playing on youtube. I've already seen it a couple of times so I didn't really have a hard time finding it. I liked how the uploader made the cover and I know you will like it too so why not.

 

I purposefully, played in on repeat longer than necessary not just to memorize the tune but also to annoy you some more. You look like you want to throw the phone somewhere when I take my earphones off.

 

 

 

Giggling, I take my phone from your hands and placed it on top of the piano. My fingers are not throbbing anymore when I start playing, testing if I got the tune right, the tempo will follow.

 

 

 

"Yay, present time!" You said suddenly standing on the table dancing your favorite moves. What an adorable idiot. Maybe I should've made you hold the phone longer.

 

I try to hold back the smile threatening to appear in my face and pull you to sit back by tugging on your hand. You get the message quickly so you immediately sit back on top of the coffee table, legs crossed. You are staring intently at me while holding my hand. My heart is stuttering, and I am so afraid that you would hear it, that you would asks things even I don’t know the answers to, so I pulled my hand away and just start playing.

 

 

Your Song, Elton John

 

It is not a very upbeat song, especially with the piano but it is not a sad song either. I play the song consciously trying to hit the notes correctly because I know and I feel you stare at me intensely. It makes focusing on the piano keys hard as my heart beats annoyingly fast, but I try to ignore it, letting the music guide me since it was the first time that I actually played it even though I have listened to sad song on repeat a thousand times before. Closing my eyes, I let the warmth your stare make me get used to the rhythm of my song for you.

 

 

 

~ I hope you don't mind

I hope you don't mind
That I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world

 

 

 

The tempo shifts a little and I almost miss the next notes when I heard myself singing. I seriously need to get away from you as soon as this song ends because you’re doing it again. Short circuiting my brain, I am not supposed to be here singing for you at 3 am. I am supposed to be sleeping getting ready to face the world tomorrow for me and my sister, but even those thoughts couldn’t stop me from singing for you.

 

 

 

If this will be the last time I can do this, at least I did well.

 

 

 

I did not open my eyes when the song ends because now I know what to say and what to do and it was killing me. I take deep breathes to calm my nerves and my annoying stuttering heart.  Maybe to build up the courage for me to do the right thing for everyone as well. Deep breathes, I sat straighter looking down to my fingers that are resting on the piano keys. I did not feel you move at all from your position and I can still feel you staring at me so I did not dare look at you.

 

 

Silence.

 

 

"Present done. Now you may go unnie, and don't let anyone see you getting out of this room or this building you know what happens if you get caught." I said in a casual tone after a while, ignoring the lump forming on my throat.

 

 

This has to be done. I thought again and again in my head like it’s a mantra that will make what is about happen a little better. I am forced to look at you when you did not answer after a long moment. You are still looking at me, but with bloodshot eyes this time. Your lips are quivering a little and your hands are raised in midair like you want to touch me.

 

 

I look at you confused, trying my best to hold back the tears.

 

 

"What amber? You know I can't play you another song because the sun will be rising soon. Besides I think I did it well. Was it bad?"

 

 

You shake your head hard and I almost laugh at you. I would’ve have if the situation is different. "It's beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. I wish I have recorded it" Your tone was brittle. The edge in your voice scrapes my heart.

 

 

"Then what?" I replied getting impatient. I don’t want to pull the rag off your feet hard early in the morning. I will try my best not to do that because I know it will break a part of me, so please stop being stubborn and just go. I plead to you in my mind, staring at your trembling lips.

 

 

"You’re hurting, I can feel you hurting, let me help you. Allow me to help you, like how you allow me to kiss your paper cuts, put band aid to your scraped knee and kill all the bugs for you when we were younger. You have me princess, you always have me, see I am here, I don't care what they will say or do, why won’t you let me help you?"

 

 

I just stare at you for a few heartbeats, just a few more, embedding the look on your face to my mind. Remembering the husky tone of your voice as you gush those words in rapid distinct Korean that is definitely you. My tone is even when I responded, not stuttering like my heart.

 

"But I care unnie. We need grow up you know, we need to move forward and play by the rules made for adults because we are adults now."

 

"Their rules are irrational Soojung-ah. I am supposed to be the stupid one here, but what does following unreasonable rules make you?"

 

 

"An adult. Remember how you always told me to stop being a baby and grow up? Now I am a grown up."

 

You pull your hair frustratedly, opening and closing your mouth a few times. You make a move to get closer to me but I raise my hand to stop you.

 

"Krystal. Please." You whispered in your softest tone, I almost didn’t hear it. You are pleading, you must have known. You are begging me to let you protect me. Your eyes are slowly losing the brightness it used to have. Fear is evident on my favorite brown eyes. I can see you trembling, struggling to say what it in your mind.

 

 

 

You sigh, then you smile at me.

 

 

"Please look at me. Look me in the eye and tell me that you really wanted this, that this will make you happy.” You said gently, still with the half smile.

 

 

 

“. . .”

 

 

I did not reply. I look away from you, contemplating the proper words to say. Whatever it is that will make you stop saying the words you are saying. Something, anything that would perhaps permanently cut the red thread that connects the two of us. It must be done. I don’t want to hurt you. I just-

 

 

 

You speak again, before I could find the wrong words to say.

 

 

 

“If playing by the adult’s rules is the only way I can help you. If it is the only way I can ease the pain, Fine. Let’s have it your way, I’ll do whatever it is you think that should be done because I am honestly losing it already Soojung. It’s driving me mad that you’re hurting and I can't do anything to comfort you because we’re both bound by those damn rules. I will walk out that door and the next time we see each other, I will treat you the way I am supposed to."

 

 

Your words, the tone of your voice, the slump of your shoulders, the defeated look on your face, it breaks something inside me and makes my senses attune to how much suffering I am causing you already. It hardens my resolve and clears all the other thoughts in my head.

It’s time for me to take up the protector part now. I’ve broken you enough already.

 

 

I look directly into your eyes, ignoring the insistent sting I am feeling somewhere inside me.

 

 

You are staring back at me hopefully even though your eyes are already clouded with pain. It's as if you are determined to make this harder than it already is and I want to smack you for that, but I can’t. There is that hopeful look on your face that makes me want to embrace you until you forget this day because surely you will not forgive me after this.

 

 

 

"Finally you get the hint stupid. Am I not obvious enough each time you tried? I know I am hurting you and I am sorry for that but this is how it works. Besides, don't you think we're too old for the fun and games that we had before. The fan service was amusing, but it isn't it too overrated now?"

 

 

I am such a liar and a good one at that.

 

 

"It's okay I understand Soojungah. I think you’re right I'm 22 already and your turning 21 not teens anymore. err, Right fanservice." you replied in a very dull tone, all the life gone in your voice, but you force a smile. You even tried making a terrible joke.

 

 

"I guess you’re too old to be a princess now, you're supposed to be a queen right? A very skinny queen with no servant because no this llama is already too old to serve a queen."

 

I glared at you because I really hate it when you call yourself a servant. How can you even smile at me when I am breaking you like this? I want to ask you that but I didn’t because that will drag this conversation longer. I need to end this already because the new day is starting and we have to be at certain places. I also don’t think I can pull myself together if this will last longer.

 

 

"Really funny Amber Unnie. Do you still believe those pet names? Come on, we both know it’s just for show, but the show is over now. You can stop pretending that you care and I can stop pretending that I care that you care. Does that make sense to unnie?”

 

 

“. . .”

 

“Let's just move on with our lives, we can still be a group without the fan service right? Besides, how can we be in a relationship with other people if we'll stick to each other like this? How can I find a prince if we'll be on the road playing house pretending to be infatuated with each other?"

 

 

The moment the last word left my mouth I knew I really did say all the necessary wrong words. I think I over did it but at least I've done what I aim for. You are not looking at me like you used to. Maybe you really hate me now. I force myself look at you to decipher your reaction.

 

 

Your eyes lost all the brightness and the smile you always wear in your beautiful face is gone. A tear escapes your right eye but you ignore it, so I did too. You are staring at me like I have grown another head, the at awe expression you always wear when you’re with me is no longer there.

 

 

Something shatters inside me and it burns. If spontaneous combustion is real, this must be how it feels, but I held my ground. I've gone too far to back out now. I ignore the trembling of my hand and reach out to pull you to the door.

 

You flinched at the smallest touch. I spontaneously combust inside faster.

 

"You really need to go Amber."