I hate you.

 

I really hate you.

I hate you for giving

me the briefest heart

 

attack every time

I hear your voice, with auto

small smile on my lips.

 

Hate you for making

me anticipate what would

happen next even

 

if we’re just lying-

down, doing nothing except

breathing and being

 

cute and disgusting.

Your sticky stares really .

I hate you for those

 

dragons, hundred lil

toothless-es on my tummy

dancing with the beat

 

of my heart. Hate you

for making me an addict

to your kisses, we can't

 

God I wanna kiss

your stupid face again. I

sincerely hate you

 

for making me think

of love songs, with anything

that has you and I

 

in the lyrics. Ugh

I hate you, you have done it

better but I do

 

I|

 

 

"what are you doing? I've found patties, yay, come on let's fix your dinner."

 

 

stupid cardiac muscles

 

 

"No, I have a shoot, can't have a bloated face."

 

 

stupid smile

 

 

"You said. never mind, come on up. Just continue that later, whatever that is."

 

 

 

"Amber go away, I'm busy."

 

 

 

stupid dragons

 

 

 

"It's almost 2 in the morning what are you doing? Stop watching your depressing films and eat with me."

 

 

"No."

 

 

"Okay, I'll bring it here. Just sit still and yes go on watch your depressing films again. I’ll be back in 10."

 

 

“Yeah whatever.”

 

 

stupid amber

 

 

I|

 

 

“Oh, I hate you more princess.”

 

 

Your laugh echoes down the hall as I look down at the blinking line in the document too embarrassed to defend myself. Excuses form in my head as I try to come up with any word that might redeem me from the embarrassment.

 

 

 

No you idiot, I hate you most echoes on the back of my head and I have to throw my phone away from me before I do anything more uncharacteristic of me. I…

 

 

 

Am awakened with a start, the remnants of sleep, makes me feel sloppy and I try to bury myself deeper under the covers. Your giggle reaches my barely awake senses as I feel your hands arrange my hair on the sides of my face. Nothing’s changed at all, even if a lot have and many more will, soon.

 

 

“Soojungie, here, eat this then you can go back to sleep.”

 

 

The smell almost makes me change my mind but I held on to the covers, determined not to look at you.

 

 

“No, I’ve already brushed my teeth.”

 

 

“You can brush your teeth again after eating, please. Remember China?”

 

 

You are gently pulling the covers down. The tray clatters slightly as you lay it down on top of the table. The mention of china makes me turn to my side. You are wearing that expression again. Why do you always look at me like that?

 

 

“Which part of “china” are we talking about here? Is it the part when you called me a because of your pesky little ex-girlfriend.”

 

Seulgi again, I wanted to wash my eyeballs with acid whenever I saw you with her, but I should’ve known better.

 

 

“We both know that’s not it.” You’re bright expression dampened a little, but you kept the stupid smile. I still hate you. I still want to stay mad at you but you should stop smiling.

 

 

“Yeah, yeah, whatever, just get out please.”

 

 

The blank tone pleases me, but not for long.

 

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

 

You are invading my personal space again, examining my face closely, squinting too close.

 

 

“Nothing.”

 

“What’s nothing?”

 

 

 

Your thumb rubs along my eyebrows, as if straightening the frown that is starting to appear.

 

 

“Why are you with her?”

 

 

I don’t know why I even ask. We’ve have made what we are as clear it can possibly be defined and it wasn’t as if I didn’t know you’re still friends with her, but the bad feeling in my stomach won’t go away if I wouldn’t ask.

 

 

 

“Huh?”

 

The confused look in your face makes not smiling close to impossible, but I manage to keep my expression neutral. You can’t get away from this by being adorably dumb.

 

 

“Never mind. Turn the side lights off when you get out. I’ll just eat that tomorrow.”

 

 

 

“But.” You’re protest was emphasized by your hands reaching out for mine.

 

 

 

“Amber, you’ve woke me up and I’m not in the mood, so just…”

 

 

I pulled my hand forcefully, rolling away from you. The smile cracks my cheeks. Stupid.

 

 

“Oh,” You exclaim loudly, jumping to the bed without a warning. I can feel the bedside dipping, distracting me from the conversation as you kept on gushing behind me.

 

 

“You’re jealous, oh god jung. Seriously?”

 

 

“what?! I asked annoyed, craning my neck just to see you smiling cheekily at me, all teeth visible with your big brown doe eyes blindingly bright. “you’re seriously stalking me, oh my god.”

 

 

You continue ignoring my sharp glare as you try to wiggle yourself under the covers. I try pushing you half-heartedly, ignoring the warmth slithering from my collarbones to the tips of my ear. Embarrassing.

 

 

“shut up.”

 

 

“hahahahaha”

 

 

“I said shut up.” I uttered in an even tone pushing you more forcefully.

 

 

“I’m not saying anything, anyway move.”

 

 

 

“What?” I’ve always wondered where my vocabulary goes whenever you come close. Ah, that’ll be a better excuse for the I hate you-s haiku-s.

 

 

“Scoot over a little, kindly, your highness.”

 

 

You’ve manage to get under the covers, the tray of food forgotten together with the arrangements, and the rest of the rules we have set. This is definitely a bad Idea.

 

 

“No, you’re taking the couch. We’ve talk about this. You’re-”

 

 

I’ve managed to say loud enough through the drumming of my heart at the back of my ears. Here we go again. I didn’t even notice that you cut me off.

 

 

“Sleeping here, because the big baby in the room is jealous and I can’t let the big baby fall asleep jealous again right. I mean-”

 

 

 

 

“I am not jealous.” I interrupted indignantly as another glare appears.

 

 

“I know Princess, I know just how not jealous you are, and for the record, we bumped into each other on that café so we just drank hot choco together nothing more.” You are explaining, while lying on your sides, watching me closely. It used to make me feel self-conscious but you are Amber, and you always make me feel sickeningly warm in the stomach and annoyingly giddy. It’s admittedly a wonderful feeling, even if I still hate you when you’re with Seulgi.

 

 

“You really don’t have to explain, but okay really believable, to think that I was worried that it was because Jackie still not okay with us.”

 

 

Stop blaberring jung.

 

 

“I love hearing you say that.”

 

 

“What?!” Ugh, vocabulary, why do you always abandon me with this-

 

 

“Us, that’s beautiful, please say it again.”

 

 

You know the most disgusting cheesy words to say at the wrong moments I swear.

 

 

“Amber out.”

 

 

“Come on, just please say it again then I’m out I promise.” The word promise made my eyes twitch, pulling me back grounded to our realities. I turn my back on you before responding.

 

 

“Stop promising things you can’t do stupid.”

 

 

 

“Hey, look I know it’s hard, and yes we agreed and whatever, just scoot over its cold and you’re not okay, so please.”

 

 

I’m okay, just overwhelmed, confused, afraid, determined and too sickly enamored of you, but I am really okay.

 

 

“...”

 

 

The silence punctuates the lie as I subconsciously try to make out your movements behind me. I should really be asking you to move back to the couch, or go home, because we are doing it again. As if we are too lost in our own worlds, but we can’t keep on doing this. Application by practice will work better for both of us.

 

 

One of us has to be lucid to do that. I wish I could say I am the lucid one, but apparently I am nowhere near that at the moment. I am in trance, willingly allowing you to pull me close to you with your arms snaking on my waist, and your breath calming, hypnotizing me back to slumber. I’m not okay. I’m content.

 

 

 

“I’ll be the big spoon.”

 

 

You declare softly after a while, daringly pulling me closer. I didn’t comment on it, trying to keep the senseless conversation going, absentmindedly.

 

 

“You’re always the big spoon, that’s nevermind.”

 

 

“Thank you Soojung ah, move closer.”

 

 

I remain unmoving, afraid that you will hear how hard my heart is beating or how badly the dragons are reacting to your bold actions. Giddiness saps my senses as I hopeless fought my muscles from turning into pathetic goo.

 

 

“What if I don’t want to?”

 

 

My neurons probably shut down slowly whenever you come near because I do the stupidest things when I’m with you. I turned to face you.

 

 

 

Our faces now too close that your nose is bumping softly with mine. I can see your stare dropping low. Not happening this time, someone should stay lucid. Thank God, you can’t hear my heart.

 

 

 

“We shouldn’t kiss.” I warned both of us, not really making an effort to pull away.

 

 

“We really shouldn’t”

 

 

“...”

 

 

My eyes are obviously disconnected from my body too, they are mimicking yours and I want to shout from the top of the building because this is a pathetic try to draw the best friend line, but I’m honestly liking it too much for someone who’s determined to try harder and make things work the way they should.

 

 

 

“I shouldn’t even be here.”

 

 

 

At least you are keeping the conversation going, maybe you could pull away too, just a little. Maybe an inch. Please.

 

 

 

“You should be in the couch.”

 

 

“But it’s cold there and you’re warm, so nah. I told you I missed you, and I’ll miss you more because you’re going home and I’m going to the army.”

 

What you’re saying sinks in slowly and it makes me frown as I reply to you with a defeated look on my face. How I wish I can control my facial expressions the way I used to.

 

 

 

“You agreed to that? I thought you’re going to the states too?”

 

 

 

 

“It’s exposure for the album and besides I wanna try that. It would be fun.”

 

 

“But I wanted to introduce you to my friends in New York.”

 

 

 

“Maybe next time.”

 

 

That probably broke the trance, or the disappointment did. I turned to the other side again, my back on you. “Maybe.” I replied, frowning unconsciously.

 

 

You remain silent after that, and I follow suit. Sleepiness has abandoned me minutes ago, but I really didn’t want to disrupt things the way they are anymore. We have repeatedly found ourselves stealing moments like this spontaneously and I don’t know if how I should feel about it, but this is addicting and sometimes I wish I could just choose you and get away with it.

 

 

I could imagine how you’ll love the sands of the beaches I want us to visit and the lights of the cities I want us to live in. I could just imagine, but the choices don’t go one way for people like us.

 

 

 

“Goodnight Princess. I love you.”

 

 

If I will keep on being honest for tonight, I’d say that those words are as beautiful as the word us, but I don’t feel being honest at the moment. Someone must stay lucid for the two of us.

 

 

 

“Goodnight Stupid.”

 

 

“…”

 

 

“I’m not jealous.” I reminded you again before closing my eyes.

“yep you aren’t”

 

You were nodding your head, with your nose brushing the back of my neck. I’m not really that ticklish but I swear my toes are curling again. Ugh,

 

 

“can I sing?”

 

 

“what?”

 

 

“can I sing you to sleep?”

 

 

 

“so much for being best friends Amber.”

 

 

“Best friends sing each other to sleep sometimes.”

 

 

 

“I don’t know.

 

 

 “

“~Don't you worry there, my honey
We might not have any money
But we've got our love to pay the bills~”

It’s a very cheesy love song and I laugh out loud at your song choice.

 

 

“You know we can’t possibly pass as stars right. I mean, seriously?”

 

 

“~Maybe I think you're cute and funny
Maybe I wanna do what bunnies do with you, if you know what I mean~”

 

“just”

 

I wiggle from your embrace, to try cover your lips.

 

“oh let’s get ridjfjccljd”

 

 

You were mumbling the lyrics to my palm. I glared at you, feeling the flush the tips of my ears. You tried pulling my hand off but I moved closer, gaining leverage as I push you down to the bed.

 

 

 

“stop it AMBERRR”

 

 

You keep on wiggling so I kissed your nose, effectively halting all your movements.

 

 

“No more singing please. Sweet dreams stupid, nado saranghe.”

 

 

I found myself beaming back at you still a bit embarrassed and annoyed and too giddy for my liking. We are disgustingly acting cutesy and embarrassing for two best friends with a supposedly strictly platonic relationship.

 

 

 

I turn away from you again without another word after an awkward sticky staring session. My heart rate slowly returning back to normal as I settle as close to you as it is physically possible. You got the message, because you keep silent as well, pulling me close, making me feel home.