I woke up to the sound of bacon sizzling and the smell of coffee pulled me off of bed. With eyes barely open and hair as disheveled as it can be I walk to the kitchen barefooted. Jackie was standing behind the kitchen island singing a liberally pitched version of Taylor swift's 22. She has her back on me and I took the chance to watch her, like I always do when we were kids. Of course she sensed my presence like she always does.

 

 

"Morning Llama face! Sit if you wanna taste the best bacon in Seoul."

 

 

I held back a smile, and did as I was told, yawning still as I lazily pulled the kitchen stool. There was an awkward silence as my sister tried to get back to what she was doing, her singing done for the day. It made me feel bad- the worst that I've ever felt since our not so sisterly argument the other day. I buried my head on my arms with a sigh. Oh jack-jack.

 

 

"You know, I did that because it's necessary right?" she said in a casual tone.

 

The spatula she was holding was hanging haphazardly in the air when I looked up to her concerned face. The frown etched on her skin made me look away.

 

 

"But she's just, come on Jackie-boo, I'm tired of this. Besides, we've already agreed that we'll stay as friends strictly."

 

 

She scoffed, looking back to the frying pan. "Do you actually believe that "strictly friends" will happen for you Am? Seriously?! Well at least you do know that you have always been strictly just a friend to her right? I mean, jeez that kid dates most of the pretty faces here, and it was so obvious, her definition of friends I mean but you didn't get it. Why won't you get it?"

 

 

"That's harsh you know..." I trailed before adding "She was young and curious, you dated too when you were young, stop painting her as some heartless , please. That's not the point anyway."

 

I was almost tripping on my words, spitting them as quickly as I can, maybe it'll make her understand.

 

 

"That is exactly the point Ber! Have you actually ever treated her as just a friend? Honestly?! Do you really think I didn't notice? My god, you're helpless. Stop doing this to yourself okay? Accept it, Krystal Jung is a bi-curious who enjoys the convenience of your obvious pathetic not so platonic affection for her."

 

 

Her words were like punches, invisible hitting the right spots, leaving bruises, mostly because a part of me actually believes some of her words no matter how hard my llama senses fought them. YOU ARE WRONG. I was swearing in another part of my head, choking on my own words as I stared at Jackie, my sister was drifting in my sight. She was a stranger to some part of me. She was saying unkind words against Krystal. I wanted to strike back, hurt her with words but she shifted back to Jackie, my sister, who loves me so much, sometimes I think I'm undeserving. I found my voice.

 

"Enough Jackie please. She, Krystal is not like that, you know it, and you’re just. Please don’t hate on her jack jack. Try to understand for me, try harder to understand Soojung." the last few words were barely audible.

 

 

 

My lower lip jutted out, almost quivering as I look away from her conflicted face.

 

 

"Fine." Her voice resounded in the kitchen and it made me look up.

 

 

Jackie has her arms raised, as if she was surrendering. With shoulder sagging, she sat in front of me. A plate of almost burnt bacon separated the two of us. We both look down, staring unseeingly at the plate for a while. She must've felt bad for her choice of words, but she's just so stubborn to take it back.

 

 

 

I don't know how I was feeling, at the moment. My emotions were all off, and the urge to cry was there. To make it worst, my llama senses were still barking mad of the insult directed to Krystal, its remnants made me fist my hands on top of the kitchen island.

 

 

Krystal and her bright pitch black eyes looking at me like I'm the most beautiful thing she has ever seen.

 

 

 

A tear escaped as I look helplessly at the plate of burnt bacon. It was just too much, the pressure of the upcoming solo, Jackie's snapping, Krystal's absence. I swallowed hard, wiping the wetness subtly, before reaching for the fork.

 

 

 

My sister grabbed my hand as soon as I touch the silverware. It was warm and gentle, almost too gentle.

 

 

"Hey, I'm not your enemy, kay? You'll be great as always, I wish you would hear me out still, but fine. I'm sorry. I, I love you kiddo even if you’re stupid. Gosh, let's just eat and take me to that place you said the other week."

 

 

I nodded at Jackie, ready to burst out crying because the two of us both know I hate it when she's making it hard for me. She pulled me in a very tight hug that smelled of bacon and her. It made me close my eyes and lean all my weight on her, feeling the heaviness in my chest recede slowly as she kept me close.

 

 

 

"I miss you." Jackie whispered in my ear before letting go with a light slap on my head. "Ugh, why do I love you so much even when I hate you." "Shut up jack-jack, you’re creeping me out."

 

 

Jackie ignored me blatantly and laughter erupted from the inside of my chest as she makes a those silly kissy faces.

 

 

"Where are the others?" I asked when I finally contained my laughter.

"Eavesdropping probably,” she answered with an eye roll, before shouting to the slightly open door to our right. “Come out, weirdoes cook on your own. We're off soon."

 

 

* * *

 

Exhaustion weighed on my shoulder hard, as I put one foot forward after another. The dread that has been engulfing my system made the weight heavier when I stopped in front of the familiar door. It’s 37 normal strides away from the elevator on the 23rd floor of the apartment complex.

 

 

 

Synthetically made and all black that shouts elegance even from afar. Identical to the other 2 doors on this floor but different somehow. Maybe because of its occupants, or more specifically my feelings towards one of its regular occupants. Bad line of thoughts llama.

 

 

 

I berated myself as I keyed in the memorized number combination carefully, straining my ears for any movement on the other side. It's almost midnight the last time I checked the time which was a traffic light ago. A soft clicking sound welcomed me into a dimly lit corridor. I stepped inside, closing the door as silently as possible.

 

 

 

My hand lazily stretched for my shoelace as I try to think for the most convincing explanation that could save me from early death. The knot has barely been undone when Jessica's goddess like face suddenly emerged from the main hall, her head was bowed down a little as she rummages the handbag dangling on her arms. Definitely one of the prettiest girl I’ve ever met, but pretty or no her presence meant trouble for me, so much for convincing explanations. I gulped, opting to greet her first.

 

 

 

"Hello Sooyeon Unnie." My enthusiasm easily got lost on her because she shrieked loudly, the iconic dolphin like adorable one. Probably because I startled her. It makes me chuckle despite my better judgment.

 

 

 

"JOSEPHINE!"

"Hey! Not cool Jess, really not cool" I complained jokingly as I strained my neck for her sister. Krystal is nowhere in sight. It made my stomach drop a little.

 

 

"You're late!"

 

 

Irritation was evident on her well defined features as she took menacing steps forward. The fact that she's still on a fluffy slipper didn't make her any less intimidating. My fight and flight senses tingled wildly as she got closer, but I willed myself to stay put as I try to throw in words of explanation in the hopes of taming her annoyance.

 

 

 

 

"I-uh-traffic, Jackson- uh- yeah, Jack- Jackso-n"­

 

 

 

She didn’t pay attention to my stuttering and kept on advancing until she’s standing close to me, looking up to meet my eyes. I could have laugh if I didn't know better.

 

 

"Save it. No monkey business. No unsanitary use of ANY surface in this apartment. No maiming and killing each other. Understood?"

 

 

I can only nod as the older Jung glower at me threateningly. Her glare pinned me on the spot as she telepathically made me see how she’ll disembowel me if I don’t follow her rules. Llamas are generally not afraid of most of the things, but we know lioness when we see one and that, that, I mean the lady in front of me is definitely somewhere along that breed.

 

 

 

I stepped back hastily blinking rapidly at her face that’s just inches away from mine. She moved closer and I almost fell on my when she stepped on my left foot.

 

 

"Thanks Stooopid. Make her have something not coffee mkay? Goodluck." Jessica Jung recited suddenly sounding bubbly, the irritation completely gone. I gaped at the influx of expression and tone and her demeanor all together. Jungs and their bipolar tendencies.

 

 

A killer headache started to bubble quickly on the surface as I remained unmoving in front her. Jessica didn’t even pay attention to my lack of response towards her smirking face. She just got on with her business as she reached out for her neatly placed tennis shoes on the side cabinet. Her bag was on my arms without another word.

 

 

 

 

We kept silent and I watched her amused as she almost unwillingly tie her shoelaces. The urged to volunteer and to do it myself grew stronger each second but I didn’t dare make any sound opting to just observe her instead. Behind the makeup and the confident aura that she emits like blinding flares Jessica Jung looks weary and worn out. Her eyes were duller than usual.

 

 

 

 

“Jess, why not stay the night. I’ll just…”

 

 

 

 

“Can’t, I have a flight to catch.” She run her finger through her long blond hair, smiling timidly at me. It’s definitely the opposite of her sneering and her smirking one. It made her look more like her sister.

 

 

 

 

 

I am lost at that thought.

 

 

 

 

 “I’ll be fine kiddo. Just worry about sis for me and I’ll forget that you have the nerve to call me that name after giving me a heart attack and almost standing up on me and jungie and all the other things we both know you don’t want me to enumerate right now. Yeah?”

 

 

“Sorry.”

 

 

“I hate that word when you say it. Nevermind. Bag.”

 

 

I handed her the leathery thing gently before reaching out for the door lock button. Her eyes observed me almost warily but there’s something close to fondness in her expression. It’s disconcerting.

 

 

“Keep her safe, and try to stay alive till I get back tomorrow.” She said sincerely while messing my hair. It made me whine in protest but she didn’t stop until my fringes were off of my forehead and my blond locks probably were all over the place.

 

 

 

 

I thought I hear her say, “Thanks I mean It.”, before sashaying out of the door.

 

 

 

 

It closed with a soft thud, locks clicking. The silence she left with me rang loudly in the empty space and tiredness caught up with me once again. Sometimes I tend to hate silence when Krystal’s not with me. After one last peek at the end of the hall for the other Jung, I sulkily sat on the edge of the front steps as I took off my shoes. One Jung down, my favorite one to go.

 

 

 

 

My batman socks cling to the main hall carpet as my eyes hungrily searched for the one person I craved to see ever since the day started. I failed to ‘catch up’ with her this morning before she went to god knows where and it was almost bad the whole day because I was not used to not seeing or hearing from her in the beginning of my days anymore no matter how stupid that sounds given the current situation.

 

 

 

 

It was already a struggle to keep everything together especially because Jackie was still obviously not that cool about the whole idea of me and Krystal, friends or more than that. It was just so tiring to think about it again and again because it’s killing most of my brain cells, although at least sis was really trying because she gave her permission for me to be here.

 

 

 

The muted TV was blaring with khakis and the laughing image of Dianne Guerrero greeted me when I reached the corner of the small living room. I can make out Krystal’s toes sticking out from the sofa. It made me smile as the feeling of excitement assaulted my senses. My strides became bigger each step I took closer to her but I stopped before I am on arms reach.

 

 

 

Explanation. I badly need one.

 

 

 

 

The neurons that were still not dead in my head went wild as I try to string up words that will make her less upset, but I can’t seem to make any. I was too distracted to have my brain functioning properly because her jet black hair was beaconing me to get closer. She’s using the armrest as her pillow and she’s immobile probably asleep, but no one can tell with her. Maybe she’s lost in her own world again.

 

 

 

 

With no speech or explanation on my sleeves, I found myself kneeling beside her head. The eyelids free of any makeup were fluttering slightly but it stayed shut. She’s fast asleep. Small puffs of breathe escaped her slightly parted lips. The angle of her neck really looked uncomfortable to me but I stole one more glance. Just a few seconds more.

 

 

 

 

The serenity on her face made my heart thump wildly on my chest reverberating to my pulse and my ears. It’s almost dizzying, lost in the view and a lot of other things. My nerves were suddenly wired and I wanted to just scream to make my chest stop from filling in with so much-

I looked away with a sigh. We’ve agreed about this already.

 

 

 

 

The blanket on the side of the sofa caught my attention when I stretched out. It was her favorite blanket, just because it’s mainly red, regardless of the pink and the huge heart design. I picked it up, and folded it before putting it on top of the table. The blinking light of the T.V irritated my eyes but I ignored it, turning to her again.

 

 

My hands were shaking slowly, out of nervousness and excitement when I reached for her shoulders. I called out for her name, almost cringing at the tone of my voice. She didn’t respond though her head and shoulders moved until her cheeks were pressed on my hand. The cold I’ve always associated with Krystal was still there, but a different kind of warmth spread quickly from our connected limbs. A maniacal grin spread on my cheeks for obvious reason and I have to bite my lower lip hard to make it go away.

 

 

 

 

I tried coaxing her to wake up again with her name in my lips, a little louder. She didn’t stir at all.

 

 

 

 

We have exchanged a few messages late in the afternoon while I was hanging out with Jackie and the rest which meant Krystal’s not that busy but I don’t know how tired she was and how pissed off she will be if disturbed. It is a must to wake her up and make her eat real food before tucking her to bed though. Why must llamas be given impossible tasks like this? I whined softly to myself before trying again.

 

 

 

 

I found myself slowly arranging the disarrayed strands of her hair even with my hyperaware senses giving off distress signals. Angels really do look good anytime of the day. I shook my head before moving my fingers to her ears. Another deep breathe, then I tugged on her ears, looking away from her face with a gulp. Krystal’s cute little ears felt as soft as I could remember ages ago when I woke her up from a nightmare, at least she doesn’t look like she’s having a bad dream.

 

 

 

My breathing hitched as the adrenaline surge made my already irregular heartbeat lose its rhythm. One peek and I know I’m done for good. She isn’t pissed. I somehow wish she was looking annoyed instead because Krystal Jung was slowly rubbing her eyes with her knuckles in an adorable way that makes me just want to bite my knuckles to stop me from giggling like an idiot.

 

 

“Hey.”

 

 

 

Her voice was still dripping with sleepiness. It barely above whisper but I could hear it clearly over the silence of the room and the chaotic in synch rejoicing within me, so much for keeping it friendly Liu. Jackie is obviously right about one thing.

 

 

“I-uh-Jess unnie left.” I cleared my throat forcefully to stop my voice from shaking because she’s stretching like a cat on the sofa with my hand still tucked in between her head and shoulders. It’s starting to feel stiff from the odd angle but I obviously got worse problems than that.

 

 

“she-uh-she’ll be back tomorrow and I’m here to babysit because you might sell the house or bring home your boyfriend and uh-qoute no maiming and killing each other, err- no unsanitary use of the surfaces and-“

 

 

 

“How’d it go with Jackie really?” she sleepily waved off blabbering with a question, yawning before she could even finish the sentence. It didn’t really register immediately mainly because I was back to grinning like a demented person again.

 

 

 

“She’s cool with it doesn’t answer the question you know. Figured you’ll show up late because of that.” she added with a slight frown, looking up at me with dropping eyelids, still lying on her back. I just look back at her reflecting the frown on her face. She’s probably wondering why I didn’t reply to her last message and assumed that it really didn’t go well with Jackie. I scratched my brows, opening my mouth but no words came.

 

 

 

Without warning she took my hand off from in between her head and shoulders before pulling me repeatedly until I was seated on the wool carpet adjacent to the couch. We stayed silent for a few heartbeats.

 

 

 

 

“She’s “cool” with it since its “necessary” but she’s still reserving the right to flip and all. She actually warned me that she’ll drag me off of here if she smells trouble or something like that. You know her, atleast I’m here right?” I tried to articulate with hand gestures and in English to make it easier. Krystal didn’t respond, she’s probably back to sleeping again.

 

 

 

 

I let my head fall on her sides getting comfortable with my back resting limply on the coach. The tiredness was catching up fast as I stretched my legs. Her fingers were on my hair in an instant. Slowly putting it back to place and I couldn’t stop my neck from straining so I could peek at her. She’s lying on her side looking back at me with an unreadable expression on her face.

 

 

 

My favourite cold onyx eyes were reflecting the flickering of the television as her lips tugged upwards slowly. She wore a lazy smile before she breaks our silence.

 

 

 

“We’re bad at this. I think it’s a horrible idea that Jess made you accompany me.”

 

 

 

 

“You want me to go? I would if you want to but I’d stay for another minute or two because I miss you and I don’t wanna miss you again just yet. okay?” I replied with a straight face, getting close to being deaf each second because my heart won’t stop pounding loudly at the back of my ears.

 

 

 

 

Her eyes were me in again, butterflies present.

 

 

 

 

“Stupid.” she whispered slowly turning red to her hair roots. Her fingers were pulling hardly on my hair as she shifts on the sofa. The smile cemented on my face faded a little when I remembered Jessica’s reminders.

 

 

 

“You know what I’m talking about Am, we’re obviously not doing very well with drawing boundaries.”

 

 

 

“Sorry, it’s just. I’m trying. I am but you can’t expect me to let you spend the night alone here right? Don’t worry ‘bout it, I’ll crash on the couch.”

 

 

“Hmmm, yeah, you probably should and you can go home early tomorrow, you don’t have to wait for Jessi.” she recited with her fingers back on my hair. Her hand was raking softly through my locks and I have to stifle a yawn because it’s making me feel sleepy. My llama senses hummed appreciatively as my muscles relaxed.

 

 

Her actions and her words were contradicting each other but I couldn’t bring myself to care at the moment.

 

 

 

“Let’s stay like this, five more minutes then we’re having dinner, deal?”

 

 

 

“Deal.” Her hand stopped to hit me on the back of my head. “Why do’yah post that?”

 

 

“Post what?”

 

 

“screenshot..” Her hands resumed in doing what she’s been doing and I felt her move closer. It’s getting harder to make the conversation going especially because I can feel her eyes on the side of my face. I didn’t dare peek. I’ve learned my lesson before or maybe I think I did.

 

 

“Which screenshot dudungie? Are you stalking me?”

 

 

“Nevermind. Buy me food I’m starving.”

 

 

“but princess doesn’t mind right? I mean it’s kinda win win in a sense because they’ll be off our necks and Ima be helping a friend and she’ll be helping me.” I asked hurriedly before I lost the confidence, her reply was a little weird and it actually ached a little. I held my breath waiting for her answer. My gaze was fixed on the muted TV which was showing Laura Prepon and Taylor Schiling kissing. It made me gulp for unknown reasons.

 

 

 

 

“Do you want me to take it back?”

 

 

 

Krystal was sitting now, looking down at me with her hair falling around our faces. I can see her clearly despite the dim lights. Her face was so close. She was wide awake and that look on her face was a mix of pleading and something close helplessness. It made my chest ache worse than it did when I received the princess doesn’t mind line.

 

 

 

 

“Do you want to?” I mumbled, fidgeting with the hem of my shirt, my eyebrows wiggled the way it usually does when I’m nervous. It almost made me groan because my heartbeat was in my throat and something within me was threatening to burst.

 

 

“I can’t.” She whispered to my lips. For a second I thought she would kiss me and I fisted my shirt shivering. Her nose rubbed with mine slowly before she kissed my forehead. She walked away, leaving me breathless.