0511

 

Bowing 90 degrees, I can barely keep my eyes open but I keep my head low. Everyone is cheering for a deadline that we have just beaten. I managed a small smile at all the happy faces around. I miss my bed so much right now.

 

Every step is a struggle between my will and my body but I keep on moving. The van is near, sleep is near.

 

 

The wheels immediately start turning when the doors close shut. I am sitting at the back, my head on the window keeps lolling back and forth but I am too exhausted to move into a more comfortable position. My eyelids are drooping.

 

It has been a crazy week. I barely have time to think about Tokyo, your smiling face and the odd feeling that crept inside me when I saw you with her again. Your first love, on contrary to people's various assumption, is a hime with brown eyes. It still felt off seeing you with her regardless of the years that sets the two of you apart.

 

 

I move a little and raise my knees, hugging it close to my body to protect me from the cold. I easily feel cold since that day, even the thick trench coat covering me can't do anything about it. Maybe it's because I ache for the warmth of your presence, as if to prove my point, I shudder as I close my eyelids shut burying my head to the supposedly warm fabric. 

 

A smile slip its way to my puffy face before I let the exhaustion win. Confession the llama way, an all-time mind blowing experience that even sky diving can't compare. Those are my last thoughts. I surrender myself to sleep.

 

 

 

 

A guy wearing a ridiculous orange coat is skipping towards a girl. Beyond the neon clad shoulder I can see that pale girl's eyes. Those dark orbs contrast completely with the sky behind her. The horizon reminds of my confusion, like me it can't decide if it wants to be pink, purple or tangerine. 

 

My eyes travel around trying to make sense of my surrounding. All I can see is the indecisive empyrean. The patterns on the ground I'm standing reminds me of the pavements where you thought me how to ride a skateboard. Everything in the place is eerie but the two people I'm observing seemed oblivious to everything around them. Even the expression the girl is wearing is uncanny, but the back of the guy with a questionable fashion sense bothers me the most. It makes me feel a strong sense of familiarity.

 

 

I watch as the girl laughs, her petite form shaking hard when the orange boy run back to retrieve his left shoe. I wonder if that babo is one of your relatives, he seems to have a problem tying his shoes tight like you. After putting his shoes back on the boy runs towards the girl. The girl just observes with the boy with an exultant expression on her face. She looks so happy, it almost seems like she's glowing. The radiance emitting from her urged me move and look closer.

 

The face of the girl look so familiar, and it made me want to scream in terror and amazement. I haven't seen that expression for a while even if I see her every day. It's stunning how I rarely see that look in her face as she gaze at him, especially because I see her every single time I look in the mirror.

 

 

 

A gloved hand on my knees shakes me awake. Feeling disoriented I let the trench coat fall and rub my fist on my eyes. I can feel the staff observing me warily.

 

"Thank God Krys, I really thought you pass out, I've been trying to wake you for a while now. Are you okay? you really look pale I can-"

 

 

"I'll be fine unnie, please don't worry about me. Let's get going, I should be in the rehearsals."

 

 

 

I take her gloved hand on my knees, and give it a squeeze. She nods still observing me closely. I stretch my sore muscles and I tried to stand up, feeling a little lightheaded. My body feels too heavy but at least I managed to get out of the van, pulling the unnie with me. I smiled when she puts her palm on my forehead, probably checking my temperature. I assure her I’m fine and she just shakes her head looking at me weirdly. I gather the trench coat in my arms, contemplating whether I should bring it or not.

 

 

 

"I'll just arrange your things, then we're leaving. Fighting Soojung-ah"

0953

 

I can not taste the meal I'm swallowing but I kept on eating. The pounding in my head is getting unbearable each minute but I try to ignore it, focusing on keeping the food down in my stomach. I've seen how the fans are anticipating for our group. I don't want to disappoint them. I will not disappoint anyone today.

 

After one last spoon full, I stand up to get my water bottle. Vic unnie is watching me worriedly while Luna unnie is busy talking to someone in her phone. Annoyingly, you are nowhere to be found and I'm betting that you are with your friends again. It'll be very irritating but at this point I won't even mind if you'll be with BoA unnie or with Seohyun just as long as you're not with that hime. 

 

I move to stand behind Vic unnie who suddenly becomes busy with her phone. Not knowing where you are is starting make my headache worse. I don't feel like searching for you and I don't think that'll be a good idea at all, so I just lean my back on the wall massaging my temple as I count each second, waiting impatiently for you to show up.

 

 

I'm gonna smack your head hard if you're doing this on purpose. I've made it very clear the last time that I want more time to think things out, but it doesn't mean that I want you to keep your distance. I really thought we made it pass that piano drama era and we're back to normal. Even if I don't have a clue what's "normal" for us anymore, considering that those three words lay there in the open like a white flag. It's admirable how you make yourself vulnerable for me. I don't know if I could do the same.

 

"Soojungie, come here." Vic unnie said grasping my wrist. She stops me from overthinking. I don't know if I should be glad or not that she did. It feels like a time bomb is ticking somewhere, and it's life is running out. That hime is only girl who can take you away from me, she has done it once. History repeats itself. I need to stop the history then.

 

 

 

God Amber you’re such a pain in the .

 

 

"Soojung please, sit beside me."

 

 

"But Unnie."

 

 

"No buts." she replied gently pulling my arm and coaxing me to sit beside her.

 

I perch close to her, our thighs touching. My upper body is turned to the left so I'm facing her. Vic unnie smiles warmly at me. Then, without another word she kneads my head, different from the way I'm doing it earlier. It doesn’t make the pain go away, but it distracts me a little. Victoria is staring at me with a bothered look, trying to catch my eyes but I refuse the eye contact and opt to look at the buttons of her shirt.

 

 

"Krystal."

I look up but I continue avoiding her eyes. 

"I'm your omma away from home remember?"

 

I just nod, wondering where our conversation is heading. My quiet demeanor is nothing really surprising to her since she knows me so well. Her insistence on having an eye contact is a bit disconcerting though. I wonder what I do wrong this time.

 

She suddenly looks up from our eye-catching game and her hands cease its movements. I turn to where she's looking and a wide grin spreads in my face despite the throbbing pain in my head.

 

 

You're standing there with your index finger raised in front of your lower lip. There's a slice of cake in the plate you’re holding and a bottle is stuck in your armpit. I squint when I notice the glittering object stuck in between your teeth.

 

You groan loudly and rush to the table when you see me looking at you. I hurriedly stand up to get where you are just to regret moving abruptly. My head is swimming and everything goes in and out of focus. I sit back and let the dizziness subside first before rising from the couch again. Vic unnie is holding on to my shoulder and my hand as she ask me to stay still for awhile.

 

 

I thank her and try walking towards you again being extra careful this time. The good news is I succeed in reaching the table without falling in my , but the bad news is you are not there anymore.

 

I'm really disappointed since we haven't talked after the confession day and I really wanted to speak to you. I don't really know what to say because everything is still confusing for me, but I want you close, I want you here. I don't want you with that hime again! Besides, I miss you but you won't know that, because you're not here. I wont tell you that as your punishment as childish as that may sound.

 

 

Ugh, Am I seriously thinking that way right now?! Stupid headache. 

 

 

 

Stupid llama.

 

 

I inspect the things you left in the table to stop myself from venturing the I miss you thoughts path, it will make my headache worse. You left a note written in a table napkin with four words: princess' not from amber.

 

 

 

It's haphazardly place between the plate of blueberry cheesecake and the bottle of gatorade blue bolt. I scrunch my nose as I imagine how the two would taste. Unbelievable taste combination but it’s the thought that counts so I shrugged it off, smiling at your hangul handwriting. I feel a sudden burst of pride because I help you learn how to write hangul properly. (regardless of how you’re using the skill)

 

 

I put down the note when I notice the silver object I saw in between your teeth a while ago. It's on top of the cap of gatorade. I giggled when I pick it up to read its label. It's my doctor's prescription for headaches still slightly wet and it's packaging a little disheveled.

 

"Anything funny soojungie?" Luna unnie asked suddenly appearing beside me. Vic unnie on my other side looks like she's having a headache worse than mine as she tries to understand your hand writing.

 

"Do you know where my llama went Unnie?"

 

 

 

1326

 

The floor is dangerously tilting closer so I flatten my palm on the nearest wall for support. The medicine's effects is starting to wear off and the pounding of my head is back, stronger this time. I can feel Luna and Vic unnie pulling me close, trying to assist me. I wiggle away from them. I don't want us to attract attention.

 

 

Luna unnie, picks up my anxiety first and she lets go but walks as close as possible to me. Vic unnie walks in front of us, firmly placing my hand on her shoulders asking me to lean on her if I must. I manage to croak a loud enough thanks to the two of them.

 

 

You're still on the wardrobe area. Fixing the oversized-issue-thus-will- be-unable-to-dance problem. I wonder what's taking you too long. Maybe you have more tablets, I can use one now. Having you here would be good, too.

 

 

I can feel everything I’ve consume trying to crawl upwards on my throat. Oh god, not now please, that'll be embarrassing. I cover my mouth with my palm focusing hard on walking and not vomiting at the same time.

 

 

Every corner of the room feels like its closing on me so I stop walking and lean on the wall again. I try to control my erratic breathing and fight the strong urge to throw up, but the spinning of the room is not helping at all. I close my eyes.

 

Like any other day, I smell you as you come near. I can feel you standing in front of me. Despite the strong voice in my head that warns me about the reeling of the room I open my eyes, just to see you.

 

"Hello beautiful." You said in english. I try hard to keep your smiling face on focus. The worry evident in your eyebrows and the twitching in your eyes contradicts your smile. Your face is still getting in and out of focus but I'm sure you look like you have a toothache.

 

 

"Listen, stop being stubborn and let us help you walk please."

 

 

I can not understand what you are saying because the ground is starting to tilt too close, my knees are buckling slowly.

 

You must have sense it because you move closer. Holding on to my waist, you urge me to lean all my weight on you. I close my eyes again, the pounding in my head is getting more demanding. I want to scream in pain but I bit my lips. Silently thanking the angels that no one seem to be paying attention to us yet. I hate causing a scene.

 

 

Another hand held on to me, and a silent whimper escapes my lips when I feel you let go of me. I can barely make sense of other things that are happening. They are urging me to move and I wanted to fight them because it'll make the room spin more but I am too busy trying to stop myself from throwing up to protest.

 

 

 

Suddenly, someone's hands are on me again, carrying me bridal style. You're scent is present but your standing too far away from me for me to touch you. I wanted to hold your hand stupid. The masculine scent of the person holding me is making me uncomfortable, but I can't even lift a finger. I try to speak.

 

 

"Put me down." I was able to say, my voice is hoarse.

 

"It'll be fine Krys, i'm here." the person carrying me whispered close to my ears. I recognize that voice immediately, Kai. The bile starts to try to bail out again and I have no choice to bury my face in his chest. 

 

I can not throw up here, that'll be more humiliating than being carried like this. At least we're already near the f(x)'s room. No one will see my walk of shame. I just close my eyes, trying to find your presence among my entourage.

 

You're no longer close. You're scent is gone.

 
1943

 

 

I wipe my mouth before examining my face in the mirror. The one looking back at me is the complete contrast of the girl in my dreams. She's the only thing I can remember from the dream. Her smiling face to be exact. My smiling face, I try putting it back on. My lips do curl upwards, teeth showing, but the eyes that stare back at me, makes me want to throw up again. I look away.

 

 

The dizziness won't seem to leave me alone, but at least I have emptied my stomach already, no more worrying about vomiting for me. I walk slowly concentrating on acting normal. Vic unnie moves to give me a hand, but I shake my head and smile at her.

 

 

I should act natural. The performance is near and I don't want to be a liability to our group. Everyone works so hard for this concert. I won't mess it up. At least I have one of Sica's glasses with me. I can mimic the girl's smile if I'll cover my eyes. It'll be a good cover to convince everyone that I'm okay. Maybe it'll give an impression that I am little tired but not sick. I'm sure no one can see through that except you.

 

 

You again. I'm feeling sick and it's still you. You and your absence. You and Seulgi.

 

You've been distant since I arrive the venue, but I can still feel you watching me when we are in the same room. Your hello beautiful moment is the only exception to that. It's getting frustrating although some part of me is reasoning that it must be because of the deal again. How I wish there are loop holes on that piece of paper.

 

It's funny that you are the one acting rational now while I am on the other end eager to break adult rules I swear I'll follow. A lot of things can change in two weeks. I just wish I can sort my feelings fast because I don't want to jeopardize anyone by trying bold things with second thoughts about what I want or how I feel. Besides those sharks are dying to feed from a small slip up from me. I can't let them have that satisfaction.

 

 

The not from llama surprise you brought earlier supported my assumptions that it’s the deal but I can't tell for sure. You're being too careful. You are never too careful. I even watch you look warily from side to side when you hand me your water bottle. What's wrong with you? Is it because of Seulgi?

 

 

 

 

Ugh, that hime's closeness to you always hit me like a train wreck every single time. 

 

 

2357

 

 

Jamsiman sumeul swieobwa swieobwa swieobwa eh oh eh oh

Igeon jeonjaengi aniya

 

 

 

My limbs feels so heavy but I keep on moving.

 

 

Aye aye it’s a red light light

Seoroege chatja bicheuro chan teukbyeolhan bisanggu

 

 

 

The rows of people are starting to spin, but I keep on singing.

 

 

geugeon madness

 

 

 

The song is nearing its end. I can do this, they come for us this the least I can do for them.

 

 

Kyeojyeosseo red light du gaeui red light
Bulgeun taeyanggwa ne apui red light

 

 

 

 

The cheer of the crowd is drowning me, I keep on going.

 

 

Everything is getting darker.

 

 

 

Three more steps and I'll be on the stairs. At least you're near, you'll catch me when I fall I know you would, even if you're ignoring me... even if that'll get you in trouble.

 

 

You should stupid, I can't fight the darkness anymore.

 

It won.

 

A girl is crying. The pitiful sobs coming from her makes me cover my ears. Behind her the sky is a mixture of red, pink and orange. She is sitting in the middle of an elevated platform. It looks similar to the stage where we officially debuted as f(x).

 

 

 

I try to walk away from the scene and hurry to my left, I cannot stand hearing her suffering anymore.

 

 

 

The path leads me to the same stage with the same horizon in the background. The crying girl is now lying on her side at the edge of the stage, her face touching the surface. She's not moving so I run to her side. Her eyes are open staring blankly at space. She's lying on an orange cloth. A smile is drawn in her face.

 

 

 

I back away from the girl as I scrutinize her face. I've seen the same expression today. I remember so well how it almost made me throw up again. I stop moving backwards when my back hits a cold wall. I lean all my weight on the cool stone and try to control my breathing. The fake smile of the girl still clearly visible despite the distance.

 

 

The wall I'm leaning on shifts, and I almost fall on my if not for the person who's holding on to my waist. The touch feels so foreign that I squirm immediately but I can not move away. I flail as hard as I could, kicking my captor on the shin, but the person won't yield. I look up to tell whoever the person is to piss off.

 

 

 

The man holding me close smiles when he noticed me glaring at him. I bombard him with all the cuss I learned since I was a kid and demand him to let go of me, but he just places his index finger on my lips, his other hand pointing forward.

 

 

You are there standing close to the Hime with brown eyes. She's wearing the red dress I saw her wearing the day I first felt I want you all for myself. Only for myself. The ridiculous coat you're wearing is the same shade of orange as the cloth that girl with the fake smile is lying on.

 

I scream your name but you didn't hear me.

 

 

I watch you bow down and kiss her hands. It makes me sick in the stomach so I wiggle from his grasp, ready to gut you, because you don't kiss your first love's hands in front of your princess STUPID!

 

He still won't let go. He mimics your movements kissing my hand. I can only look at him with a glare. This guy seriously have a death wish. Kreisleriana starts to echo out of nowhere. The tempo different from its original version.

 

In the corner of my eyes, I see a glimpse of orange move so I turn my attention back to you and the girl in red dress. I watch in awe how you move gracefully with her. The synchronize movements, the unyielding eye contact and the familiarity of the touches exchanged between you and that girl looks otherworldly. 

 

It's alluring to watch you with her. My chest is aching all of a sudden. It felt like someone is squeezing my cardiac muscles.

 

He suddenly pulls me beside the two of you, as he holds on to my wrist tightly. You didn't even look away from her when he starts our own dance too close to the two of you. Ours is different, his movements are fluid leading my limbs with him. It feels off but my arms and feet are moving. We lack your harmony, we're pure chaos. We look more like we’re fighting in capoeira. I am aiming to injure, the guy aiming to win and lure me to him.

 

I manage to pull my left hand away from his and I try to reach you. My hand pass through your shoulders. The sensation reminded me of dipping my hand through running water. Why can't I touch you. Stop this prank stupid, it's not funny anymore.

 

 

He pulls me away before I could try to touch you again. He forces me to look away from you and Seulgi just as the Kreisleriana is concluding. The familiar cheers of the crowd and the sound of shutter tones overwhelm the sound of the piano.

 

The spot light stops moving. It’s on me and the man beside me. He is smiling his friendly smile. It’s so fake and I can’t help but roll my eyes on him. I look back to where you are. You're fading like a mirage as I watch her kiss you again. You still have your eyes open. You never kissed me with your eyes open.

 

 

Amber!

 

 

You look directly at me.

 

 

0108

 

 

 

The smell of antiseptic makes it very clear where I am. You’re fading image get stuck in my eyelids so I force my eyes open. I hate seeing that sad look on your pretty face. I blink many times to clear my daze and try to find manager oppa. I need to apologize for disappointing him.

 

 

 

My eyes grow wide and all the daze fades completely as I watch your father walk closer to the hospital bed.

 

 

 

"I'm really glad you’re awake Krys, my baby girl is worried sick about you. I am worried too, but she's more worried, like she's worried whole Korea and I’m just Jeju island worried. I-uh Nevermind, How are you feeling? Oh let me call my baby girl first."

 

 

 

"Thank you Mr. Liu. Please do call Amber unnie for me. I’m really sorry for the trouble"

 

 

"Anything for you Krys, on my way now. Oh, it's Dad for you. Try to make yourself comfortable. Okay?"

 

I still have my hands on my face when the door opens. I’m having the same old internal debate again about killing you or kissing you. This time for leaving me on a very embarrassing position. I feel warm in the inside too, your dad is a very busy man. 

 

 

"Thank you so much Jerielle. Please keep safe. I hope will meet again someday." 

 

 

I put my hands down in time to see you hugging a beautiful asian girl. I just put my hands back in my face with more force this time. I should forget about kissing you, strangling you will be better. I wonder when will you ever stop pimping.

 

You sit on my side, carefully moving the i.v chords. I hear you take a deep breath before gently pulling my hands away from my face. Your hands feels so warm I unconsciously hold on to them. You're looking at me with teary eyes and you're nose is red. Your lips set apart as you try breathe calmly beside me.

 

 

I forget that I'm annoyed at you when I see you that way. I even forget why am I getting annoyed in the first place. I almost kiss you again but I stay still managing my most convincing glare.

 

 

"Who is Jerielle?"

 

 

"She's a friend Krys."

 

 

"I can see that Am. You're friends with the whole freaking Asian continent. Oh add the other continents to that. How are you're friends in Africa?"

 

 

"sshh, don't strain yourself princess. Are you feeling better now? Do you want anything?"

 

 

I just look at you pointedly.

 

"Come on dudungie, let it go please. She's a new friend. She recognizes me and she's aware that you're here. So you know, I ask her not to tell anyone that she saw me here and she agreed. She even keep me company for a while since I can not lay still waiting for you to wake up."

 

I bit the inside of my cheeks and keep my icy glare, your wiggling eyebrows are fun to watch. It's making the weariness I am feeling fade slowly.

 

"I gave her my frappucinno since I can't take pictures with her here in the hospital. It's the only memento I can think of since I rush here empty handed. I am so worried about you, I dunno what to do when you- "

 

I burst out laughing at your nervous Korean. Why so cute Amber? I pull my hand from your grasp and held your cheeks pinching it hard. You didn't protest, you just grin widely at me, that expression is so different from the one you have in my dream.

 

I pull you closer holding your cheeks firmly in my hand. I know what I want now. Same as how I realize years ago that I want you all for myself that's selfish but I can't let that hime have you. I want the bright expression you’re wearing to stay, I don't want it replace with that sad look when you're fading in my dreams.

 

 

Feelings are trickier, but at least I know what I want and that's progress for me. I lock my arms in the back of your neck and pull your face closer to mine.

 

 

"Don't ever change Stupid." I said in english before I embrace you with my eyes closed.