I kept on wondering why of all the people who made it their personal mission to bug me almost every day about their undying love, I get to choose to like you. A very polite and adorable idiot, who's too afraid of my mom and my sister, to prolong the sweetest kiss I've ever got from anyone even just for a second.

 

 

 

I am way pass my hopeless romantic(embarrassing) phase when I think I should be swept off of my feet by a prince who looks like johnny depp and who'll take my breath away enough for me to raise my foot off the ground like how Anne Hathaway does in that movie. Those things seemed irrelevant when it comes to you though, and if I am being honest the way you kiss me made me want to just raise my foot and be like a young silly girl again.

 

 

 

Too bad I never got the chance because when the euphoric daze of feeling you softly press your lips to mine wear off you're already saying goodnight to me and my friends. It was not our first kiss, definitely not my first kiss, but it's my favorite one. The toe curling, nerve tingling feeling that lingered after it's long over always made me smile unconsciously like crazy. I honestly love the feeling of you kissing me, but you won't know that of course because I will never admit it.

 

 

 

I lean closer to the familiar warmth beside me, shifting a little on my lying position and unconsciously touching my lips. My thoughts are out of control and they are as stubborn as me at the moment. I've been lying awake in bed for quite some time but sleep is still too far away from my reach. It must be because of the crazy month I am having. I close my eyes again, determined to catch the rest that the doctor recommended strongly.

 

 

 

 

Not even a minute later my demons choose to resurface again, picking up the point where I have stopped thinking about you. Something seriously disconcerting that's connected to you danced merrily at the back of my head taunting me. Maybe my demons have stupid crush on you, too. I have to grit my teeth to stop myself from yelling out of frustration.

 

 

Kissing you.

 

 

 

We both know that I really wanted an Anne Hattaway moment to happen to me. What you didn't know is that I stopped daydreaming about my perfect kiss when I grew older. Not only because kissing becomes like a chore that I must do for work, but also because you invaded even that foolish fantasy. You will never know that I dreamt about kissing you.

 

 

It's not that I don't like seeing your face as part of my dreams. I actually like it. You’re my favorite eye candy. It's really amazing how you can look like a very handsome oppa in one second and look like the cutest effin thing the next. It's almost unfair that you could actually slay as a pretty unnie, too. It's just that I refuse to let myself entertain the idea that I like you in a way that I would want you to kiss me breathless.

 

 

We both know I can't be gay. Everyone knows I can't be gay. I honestly don't want to be gay. The lines get a little blurry on the gay part though, because in the eyes of everyone liking you in a not really platonic way would mean I am gay to some extent. I am gay for you maybe. I never really liked how defining uality works but that's how people we'll see it.

                                                              

 

Liking you more than I should is really beyond me, gay or not. I got it wrong when I say I choose to like you, I never did, hopefully because I honestly don't want to, but I do like you in a way that'll make Jessica want to cut my hair bald and I got tired of trying to stop it eventually. Now, it's scaring the hell out of me.

 

 

 

As if to remind me just how much me surrendering to the indefinable feelings I have for you will only turn our current situation from bad to ugly, a shiver runs on my exposed skin as the wind blows from the open window. I move my body closer to you and bury my head deeper to your warmth, inhaling your scent, I force my brain to stop thinking all together.

 

 

 

 

Your warmth seems to chase the swirling thoughts in my head and that icky feeling that I am doing something bad, even if I am just lying beside you. I move to lie on top of you, hoping to get the sleep I desperately need after a while. I place your hands on my lower back, willing you to hug me to you tighter, but you didn't.

 

 

 

 

You're hands remain limp, their supposedly feather light weight bearing heavily on me. I wonder what's going on in your head. A part of me holds on to the belief that I'll always know you more than I know myself, though another part of me strongly disagrees, because there are moments like this when it feels like I don't know you anymore.

 

 

Is this really what that thing love will do to people? I don't think I like it at all. I've read a lot of novels romanticizing the pain and the suffering of love. I never really believed it until now. I know I'm just having a sneak peek of what lies ahead. I doubt if I want to go further.

 

 

 

I am startled from overthinking about the stupid four letter word when I hear you whimper softly. I smirked when I remember that you’re the one who almost force feed me. I hope you're enjoying my weight gain. Resting my chin on your chest I stare at the outline of your jaw and your nose that is visible with the help of the moon light.

 

 

It has been a very memorable night. Like all the others I have with you. Your surprise visit to our set really made my day, even if you make it hard to concentrate on the scenes. The funny feeling in my belly made me warm and fuzzy inside when I see you show up in the middle of the chattering staff, laughing with them as if you've known each other for a long time. I secretly liked the idea that they thought you are my boyfriend. That joke will never get old and there are times like tonight that I secretly want the joke to be true.

 

 

 

Oh my God, Amber Liu what are you doing to me?

 

 

 

I can't look away from you or even move from my position, even when you groan louder. I wonder what you say to manager oppa for him to let you stay here with me in one of MLG unnies' house, but I'll just ask you that tomorrow. I know your feigning sleep, but breaking the silence would take away the purity of this moment, when no knowing eyes are looking upon us curiously, admiring us, judging us or just plainly watching us.

 

 

It shouldn't really be a big deal how I act and talk to you because we grew up like that. We've always been like that. You were my handsome unnie when I was younger. My pretty oppa as I grew older. My llama now that I am an adult or should I say a prince or princess. If the norms and the context of prince in the society will allow a girl to be one. I don't know if I want to agree with the majority or go against their stereotypes because I've always been secretly afraid that people will judge me too unkindly that it will hurt the ones who love me, but all I know for sure is that even without labels, I want you only for myself.

 

 

 

You're making me selfish you big nosed llama, I whispered as I continue to watch you. Your jaw is moving continuously and I know I'm giving you a hard time breathing because of the weight, but I like teasing you. I am not the only one who should be sleepless tonight. I know you’re awake anyway.

 

"Krys, your crushing me." You whined after a while. Same as usual you complain too much.

 

"Really? we always do this remember, I never break any bone. You'll be fine llama, I like sleeping this way."

 

 

"Come on dudungie, you’re not weightless anymore."

 

 

"Are you saying that I am fat BOYFIE?"

 

 

 

"KRYSTAL! Not funny, Rain oppa made an honest mistake okay. I really shouldn't have blurted that out."

 

 

"Don't you want to be my boyfriend m-ber oppa?"

 

A knock on the door makes us look away from each other quickly and watch the door in a nervous anticipation. Our position will be terribly painful to explain to anyone.

 

 

"Girls, no fighting. I'll be on my room if you need anything don't hesitate okay?" says a loud voice from the other side of the door.

 

 

"Yes Unnie. Thank you! Sweetdreams." I answered in a casual tone, as I try to calm down my racing heartbeat. You're trying to wiggle under me but I push my weight heavily on you.

 

 

 

We are wrestling in bed like teenagers again. Soft giggles escape my lips.

 

 

"Goodnight girls. Sleeptight okay m-ber. You promised more selca's tomorrow"

 

"Yeah sure, only for the prettiest unnie. Keke. We're sleeping now

promise." You managed as you try to win the wrestling match. You stopped struggling when we heard her move away from the door.

 

I listen attentively as her footsteps slowly fade out of earshot, burying my face to your chest. I try to muffle the sound of my laughter, secretly relieved that the Unnie didn't go inside. I really shouldn't be acting this way, but I like it, I miss it. I love being carefree. You made me feel like I could be, one of my favorites of all the strange emotions you make me feel.

 

 

"Soojung-ah. I'll beat you next time so get ready for a royal smack down, but time to sleep now, kay?"

 

 

"I can't sleep."

 

 

"I can see that."

 

 

"Anything funny m-ber?"

 

 

"Here, you lie down in bed like the good little girl you are. Bedtime story Yes?"

 

 

"What am I four?"

 

 

"Arent you? She's my unnie. Mine."

 

"She's flirting with you."

 

"I tried to flirt with you before but you got mad because you thought I'm mocking you. I don't think you understand how "flirting" works soojungie"

 

 

"You really don't wanna go down that road boyfie. Remember the Na na incident. Even your Seulgi bear laughed at that."

 

 

"Enough talk Krystal. Just close your eyes and sleep."

 

"Seriously?-"

 

"Shhh, no spooning if you' say another word. Close your eyes gongu-nim."

 

"get real boyfie you can't say no to me."

 

"Soojung-aahhh."

 

"if it's goldfish and bear-chan you're fine playing boyfriend but your princess can't call you boyfie?! You gotta be kidding me."

 

 

"Krys, please, just close your eyes and sleep."

 

I turn my back on you without saying another word, moving a bit further to the edge of the bed. It felt cold and the endless thoughts in my head grew louder. I hesistated for a moment but I gave in and scooted closer to you. With body pressed to yours, I reached for your hand and put it on my waist. Of course you don't want to discuss Seulgi and Ailee. Like how you don't want to talk about a lot of other things nowadays. I vented in my head, as I wait for you say something.

 

"Sing me a lulaby, I miss you singing me a lulaby. Then I'll sleep." I broke the silence, because it seems like you don't have any intention to speak. You're lost in your own world again.

 

"I thought you're not four?"

 

"Am not"

 

"are too"

 

"We are both four. Nevermind. Just pull me closer. You make me tired." I said solemnly, as I thought of how we stayed the same and how much different we are now.

 

A soft smile made its way to my face when you did as I ask without any more complains. Your breath hitting the back of my neck never distracts me like the way it should. It actually made my smile grow bigger. I miss us like this. The familiarity of this scene made my nerver endings tingle, and made me warm all over. I feel sleepy all of a sudden.

 

 

Maybe it’s the thought that you're the one pulling me closer this time, like you always do, or it’s the fact that you intertwine our fingers as you tighten your arms around me.

 

The sound of vehicles starting to mobilize the highways of the city woke me up. I move to my right with my eyes still closed searching for your warmth. It's been a long time since I felt this well rested. I almost fall on my when I reached the edge of the bed. You are no longer beside me.

 

I open my eyes and step out of the covers immediately.

 

Before I could call out for stupid, I found you seated in front of the giant window. You have your back on me as you stare at the purple sky that is almost turning orange. The scene is suppose to be beautiful, but for some reason, it made me feel uneasy. I hurriedly move closer to you.

 

 

"Hello beautiful."

 

 

You smiled my favorite smile – all teeth visible, your eyes shining bright, the at awe expression ever present in your face.

 

 

"What no drooling princess or something like that?"

 

 

You just shook your head and pull me to settle in between your legs, your knees raised. I unconciously move until my back is pressed on to your chest. I wonder what's up with me and llama skinship.

 

 

"Sit still, dudungie, your bed head will turn off your prince, if he'll see you."

 

 

"Stooopid don't start. I'm still sleepy."

 

 

Silence.

 

 

I thought we're way pass that prince argurment. I wanted to start another discussion with you but I didn't because I'm getting comfortable with the feel or your hands combing my hair. You've always love my long hair.

 

 

"You should lie down in bed again if you still feel sleepy." You said softly, your fingers still combing through my hair.

 

 

My eyes are closed as I lean on you, my temple touching your cheeks. The deep and even breathe coming from you is hypnotizing me back to sleep.

 

I just shake my head. I probably fell asleep again because the next thing I know is the feel your hands fidgetting in my side. I take it with both my hands and play with your fingers.

 

 

"Unnie says we should go down and eat breakfast with them when we're ready. Don't worry, she does not see us spooning." You said, still in your soft voice.

 

 

"mkay, but later I like this it's nice."

 

"Krystal."

 

 

"Yes." I responded, not opening my eyes

 

"I'm sorry." You whispered so softly I wouldn't have heard if your lips are not too close to my ear.

 

"mkay." I replied too sleepy to make sense of what you're saying.

 

"You know that everything I do is for your own good right?"

 

"uh-huh."

 

"You will not hate me if I will try to stop loving you right."

 

 

"What?" Why do you always think that i'll hate you. God, you're so dense and it's so early. I circle your arms around me without responding, getting too irritated to keep on playing with your fingers.

 

 

 

"I should stop loving you or being too obvious about it. I'm sorry I even asked that. I know you won't care." You said in straight english tightening your arms around me without me asking you to. Your words not really sinking in until you started speaking again.

 

 

 

"Just always remember that I'm doing this for you. I know this won't affect you greatly since we've been through these already. We survived the J&K part of the year. It'll just be like that, so no worries. Okay gongu-nim?"

 

 

 

"You're not making any sense stupid." I replied, trying to wiggle out of your embrace to face you.

 

 

 

"It'll make sense after our concert in china, Promise. It's been decided honestly. Manager supported the decision even your father agrees."

 

 

"You talk to Dad?"

 

 

Your body shook hard as you laugh. I think your laughing because I am not trying looking at you anymore.

 

 

"Nothing's funny." I said looking at the scene in front of us. The shape of the clouds unidentifiable still.

 

 

"You and your tendency to pick up the least important part of my sentences." You explained cheerfully, your embrace is getting too tight to be comfortable but I let you. I'm more concerned with what you're telling me.

 

 

"Come-on dudungie. You'll be the most famous actress in asia. I know you will be." you said in a hoarse tone.

 

 

"I can not understand you llama. Speak human."

 

 

"You know dudungie, I am the only fan of Se Na who havent watch a full episode of my lovely girl."

 

 

"Don't change the topic" I said yawning.

 

 

"But I am your number one fan. I will always be your number fan. Please remeber that. I know your song by heart. It made me cry, hearing you sing all of a sudden made me cry. You are that good. I'm so proud of you my singer-actress-jung."

 

 

"What did dad and manager oppa decide? I am legal, I can decide for myself they can't do that without my consent."

 

 

"You know I can relate to that song so well. It's like that song is made for us and you're the you."

 

 

"Are you even listening to me?" I try to face you, again but I can't your embrace is just too tight. I'm locked in place.

 

 

"Shhh. Krystal. Look." you said in a soft tone, your lips almost touching my ears.

 

 

"I'm sorry. I can only watch the sun rise and grace the world with light from afar, but I promise I'll always look up to the sun, even if it'll turn me blind."

 

 

Isn't watching the sunrise suppose to be wonderful, sweet, romantic, beautiful? Most of the Korean dramas have that as part of the story. Lovers watching the rising sun.

 

 

Why do I feel like I wanted to look away? Like I wanted to cry, stupid llama, normal people usually use sunset to figuratively represent goodbye. Why do you have to ruin a perfectly beautiful sunrise?

 

 

 

"I think I want you more than want, and I need you more that need" You're singing. Stop it. I don't want to remember watching this sunrise.

 

 

"stop singing stupid." I chastised weakly closing my eyes, as I try to unsee the beauty laid down in front of me.

 

 

"I've never seen anything quite like you jung soojung"