CHAPTER WARNING: MENTIONS OF SELF HARM AND DEPRESSION. AGAIN, IT'S MAINLY ABOUT THE CHARACTER'S REACTION BUT IT IS STILL THERE.

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One and a half years prior to the party.

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“Three, two…”

“RENJUN! STOP LAUGHING AND RECONNECT!”

“Three, two, one! WE’RE DONE!”

“ING FINALLY, JAEHOONS!”

Scheng smiled as he was able to finally lower the other male who was a giggling mess after the impromptu photo that Jaehyun had decided to take in front of the arcade. Looking down at the younger, Sicheng felt himself smile at the sight of someone so beautiful until Renjun slapped his arm.

“You’re being creepy, ge,” Renjun whispered to him, flashing a dangerously bright smile his way as he ran towards his best friend. 

“You take so long!” Donghyuck shouted at the other who simply laughed and brought him into a headlock.

“You’re the one who came up with the idea and you’re reprimanding me?!” Renjun shouted back, both boys giggling afterwards as Sicheng walked towards Jaehyun.

“How did it turn out?” Sicheng asked him, attempting to peer over his shoulder to get a sneak peak at the photo. 

“Aesthetically pleasing because I’m the one who took it,” Jaehyun replied smugly, smirking as SIcheng’s eyes widened at the picture and the ethereal being that was his younger boyfriend of two months. 

“Come on! We have to go or Jisung will have our heads!” Renjun called back to them, making Sicheng smile as he ran to the younger to hold his hand and intertwine their fingers. 

“Calm down, Renjun. I’m not going anywhere,” Sicheng whispered to the other who simply smiled back and kissed him lightly on the lips.

“You better not go anywhere, ge. I don’t know what I’d do without you,” Was the reply that Sicheng heard, voice so small that he would have missed it if he wasn’t already anticipating an answer. Bringing the other closer by pulling his hand, Sicheng pressed a feathery kiss to the other’s temple. 

“I won’t go anywhere. Not without you.”

~ ~ ~

One year prior to the party.

~ ~ ~

“You know you could work as model like Jeno-yah, right?” Sicheng asked Renjun as the other was sketching a piece of artwork in the sketchbook that Sicheng had gotten for him a few months ago to reward him for getting high marks on his Korean test. 

“I’m not as handsome as Jeno,” Renjun stated, locking eyes with him from his position in the corner of the couch. Sighing, Sicheng walked over from the entrance of the kitchen of their apartment to the couch and lowered his head until his forehead bumped against the younger’s.

“You’re even more handsome that Jeno-yah,” he whispered, enjoying the way that Renjun’s cheeks darkened with an adorable shade of pink and the way that Renjun brought the sketchbook up to cover his face. 

“I’m not! Ge, I wasn’t even wanted!” Renjun protested from behind the sketchbook, voice coming out a bit muffled. Laughing at the adorable scene in front of him, Sicheng brought his arms around Renjun and hugged him tight. 

“Even if they didn’t want you, I do,” Sicheng stated, not looking down at the younger due to the blush invading his face as well. 

~ ~ ~

Ten months prior to the party.

~ ~ ~

“He’s messaging me more frequently, Sicheng-ge,” Sicheng heard Renjun whisper in the early hours of the morning next to him on the bed. 

“Just don’t message back. Don’t feel like you have to,” He replied, wanting sleep more than anything and turning on his side, pulling the blanket with him. Maybe he’ll stop waking me up at this hour if I sleep without looking at him.

“But ge, you don’t get it…He’s instigating my-“

“Get some rest first and we’ll talk about it later,” Sicheng said, voice final and soon drifting off to sleep.

Later never came, not when Sicheng woke up to find that Renjun had left after he had fallen asleep to Donghyuck’s place, courtesy of the note he had left on the fridge.

Since that morning, Renjun spent more time escaping off to Donghyuck’s place than staying with him, leaving the notes in the same place on that same fridge.

He chose his best friend over me…what did I do wrong?

~ ~ ~ 

Nine months prior to the party.

~ ~ ~

“I don’t even know if he’s still trying, Johnny-hyung,” Sicheng complained as the other simply stared, obviously bored, in the middle of the news firm. 

“And I don’t even know if you’re being serious right now,” Johnny stated, sorting out some more files for his new assistant...some guy that Sicheng hadn’t even met yet but the other said he was cool. 

“What? Of course I’m being serious! I love Renjun so so much but lately…lately it’s like he doesn’t care about me. He keeps going to hang out at Hyuck’s place,” Sicheng explained, growing more confused when Johnny snorted at the situation. 

“I would run off to Hyuck’s place too since you can’t cook for and food is everything. See, the difference between you and Hyuck is that Hyuck can cook a restaurant worthy dish and you can only cook two minute noodles. There’s a reason why we call you ‘Cooking Toddler’ around here,” He retorted and Sicheng slapped him, causing him to drop all of the files. 

“Hey! Jaehyun needed these!” 

“So? I need you to help me!” 

“Oh god, just make him something to edible and ask what’s wrong if you’re so worried!” Johnny screamed in frustration from where his head was underneath a desk, trying to reach a piece of paper for the pile, his huge body frame being more of a nuisance than a saviour. “You shouldn’t be worried though, it’s obvious that he loves you back.”

“I don’t know, hyung…he never says it,” he replied, laughing internally when the older hit his head on the edge of the desk. 

“Not everyone has to say they love you in the words ‘I’, ‘love’ and ‘you’. There are many different ways,” Johnny stated as if it were obvious, only making Sicheng even more confused. 

“Like…?”

“Like asking if you’ve eaten yet…” 

Renjun had texted to ask him if he had eaten lunch twenty minutes ago… 

“Or if you’ve gotten enough sleep…” 

Renjun had started to leave him more notes on the days when he went to Hyuck’s in the early hours of the morning, hoping that he had gotten enough sleep… 

“Or even if you have your seatbelt on when you’re in a car!” 

Renjun always made sure he had his belt on in Johnny’s car, even if his wasn’t on…

“How can you not know this?!”

“Shut up, hyung…” Sicheng mumbled, feeling slightly more secure about the younger’s feelings about him…but still having a bad feeling lurking in his stomach.

~ ~ ~

Eight months prior to the party.

~ ~ ~

“Ge…you didn’t have to…” Renjun whispered when he saw the home made Chinese meal that Sicheng had spent all afternoon making for their dinner at their apartment (with some assistance from Ten). Smiling, Sicheng mentally patted himself on the back for the good job. 

“I wanted to. Besides it’s our first anniversary so I wanted to make it special…”

“But I didn’t get you anything!” Renjun protested, sadness lurking in his eyes just as it did the day before and the day before that and all the days since their ten months celebration. 

“You don’t have to,” Sicheng replied easily, sitting opposite the younger who smiled uneasily and began to pile food on his plate. After a few bites in silence, Renjun had placed his cutlery down on his plate and sighed heavily, making Sicheng worried. 

“Jun? You good?” He asked timidly, slightly scared for what was going to happen due to this bad feeling in his gut that he had ever since their ten months celebration. 

“I’m not…I…Sicheng-ge, I…I don’t know what to do.” What?

“What do you mean, Jun?” He asked, genuinely wanting to know the answer despite his instincts telling him to leave it at that. 

“I…I tried so hard to get over it but I don’t think I can. Zixin…he’s more frequent now, more harsh.” When he saw a sniffling Renjun, Sicheng placed down his cutlery as well and diverted all of his attention to the younger. 

“Renjun, I know it’s hard but you have to be able to fight him,” He reasoned, knowing full well that the younger had come to Korea with him to forget about the goddamn piece of that was messaging him.

“I know…I know that but…I still want to end it all.” What? Us? 

“End what? Us?” So my feeling was right…he doesn’t really want this.

“Yes and no and everything in between.” That means yes, then. Screw you Johnny-hyung for making me feel like he wanted me. 

“Renjun, were you…were you even trying in this? Were you just using me?” You don’t need to answer that, I know the answer already…it all makes sense now…I’m such an idiot.

“Sicheng-ge, no! No! I would never-“ I can’t bear to listen to you right now…you…you used me.

“If you’re just going to be like…like this, is there even a point in trying? Trying to make us work?” Because if that’s the case, there’s no point.

“Ge, I swear-“

“Now I know. Now I know why you didn’t seem to want to be with me lately.” I shouldn’t have gotten this attached. 

“That’s not how it is, ge!”

“Then what is it like, Renjun?!” Standing up abruptly and looking down at the younger who was still seated across from him, Sicheng tried to ignore the twist in his chest at the sight of tears on the other’s ethereal face. “Everyday, for the past two months, I’ve been wondering about what I did to make you ignore me!”

“I was just trying to figure out how to te-“

“Stop. Just stop it, Renjun. I’m sorry, I just…” He took a deep breath when he saw the other’s tear-stained face. “When its like this…I don’t think we work out, Renjun. I’m sorry but I don’t think you’re the one for me.” One more second…one more second to call him yours… “Not when you’re like this.”

“Wait, ge-“

“Don’t. It’s better if we just stay as friends. I can support you more like that…” Support you in whatever the hell you’re experiencing. “Not when we’re like this. When we’re dating, it’s like you’re not even trying anymore. At least with friendship…” Sicheng forced his eyes to meet the younger’s and not focus on his forehead. “We don’t need to try.”

“Ge, please I-“

“Stop it, Renjun. It’s not worth it.”

“We can make it worth it-“ I don’t know if I want to make it worth it…

“Renjun. You can keep the apartment, my family has another house around here so I won’t be too far away. Don’t worry about bills or anything, just keep doing what you do with the money you earn at the cafe. I’ll take care of the rest. I hope you find someone in the future that won’t react the same way I have.” Bowing before he could see the other’s shocked face, Sicheng willed his tears to stay behind his eyelids. “Thank you for everything, Huang Renjun.” Thank you for letting me love you.

The rest of that night was a blur. Sicheng remembered leaving Renjun still sitting in his chair in front of the