WARNING: FOLLOWING CHAPTER MENTIONS THE BAD SIDE OF MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES. IT IS MAINLY MORE ABOUT THE CHARACTER'S REACTION THAN THE ISSUE ITSELF BUT STILL WARNING. 

__________________________________________

If you told Huang Renjun a week prior that he would be nervous to actually talk to his boyfriend about his…issues…then Renjun would have simply ignored you and gone to make sure that Chenle was happy and content with him. However, right now - with his stomach twisting in pain, anxiousness and guilt - Renjun couldn’t help but feel nervous as he stared at his boyfriend who was looking up at him innocently from his seat on the couch. The other was twisting his body so that he could see Renjun behind the couch since the older was in front of the doorway to the kitchen.

“Why did you want to talk, ge?” Chenle asked him, eyes swimming with worry and voice sounding slightly hurt. Taking a deep breath and remembering the conversations he had last month with Sicheng, Jaehyun, Donghyuck and even Huang Zixin out of all people, Renjun released the hold he had on his exterior and opened his mouth.

Only, the words didn’t form.

His breaths came out short, stuttering speech and Renjun could feel his forehead break out in cold sweat. There was no way he could do this. He had too much to lose. And yet, you’ll lose more if you don’t say it. Sighing, Renjun took steps towards the younger, stopping just in front of the back of the couch and analysing the younger’s face for any discomfort. Leaning down, Renjun lightly touched his lips to the other’s - a soft kiss that was full of his pleads and apologies. Please don’t leave…I don’t know what I’d do if you left… Not wanting to confuse the other more, Renjun pulled away and closed his eyes, remembering the last time that something like this happened. 

“Sicheng-ge, I…I don’t know what to do.”

“What do you mean, Jun?”

“I…I tried so hard to get over it but I don’t think I can. Zixin…he’s more frequent now, more harsh.”

“Renjun, I know it’s hard but you have to be able to fight him.”

“I know…I know that but…I still want to end it all.”

“End what? Us?”

“Yes and no and everything in between.”

“Renjun, were you…were you even trying in this? Were you just using me?”

“Sicheng-ge, no! No! I would never-“

“If you’re just going to be like…like this, is there even a point in trying? Trying to make us work?”

“Ge, I swear-“

“Now I know. Now I know why you didn’t seem to want to be with me lately.”

“That’s not how it is, ge!”

“Then what is it like, Renjun?! Everyday, for the past two months, I’ve been wondering about what I did to make you ignore me!”

“I was just trying to figure out how to te-“

“Stop. Just stop it, Renjun. I’m sorry, I just…When it’s like this…I don’t think we work out, Renjun. I’m sorry but I don’t think you’re the one for me. Not when you’re like this.”

“Wait, ge-“

“Don’t. It’s better if we just stay as friends. I can support you more like that…not when we’re like this. When we’re dating, it’s like you’re not even trying anymore. At least with friendship…we don’t need to try.”

“Ge, please I-“

“Stop it, Renjun. It’s not worth it.”

“Ge? Are you okay?” Chenle asked the older who only looked at him, making Renjun slip back into reality and not his memories. Is this worth it? Will it be worth it?

“Chenle, I’m sorry. I really really am,” Renjun started, seeing his boyfriend’s eyebrows knit in more confusion. Turning his body around so that his knees were digging into the back of the couch and straightening up for the top of his head to meet the same level as the skin above Renjun’s chin, Chenle stared back. 

“But…what for?” Chenle asked, sweet innocence masking his features. For being me. Taking another deep breath, Renjun forced his eyes to meet the younger’s. Just tell him about the relapse already, idiot.

“Chenle, I…I want to just end it…” Renjun saw the surprise on the younger’s face before it faded away in the span of a few seconds. “I know I’ve been tryi