I just realized something.  Something huge.  It’s something that I was really scared of happening.  It was something I was scared of since junior high school.  I realize now that I was falling for Yennie.  I never thought that it would come to this.  I can’t like her just like that.  I have a duty to hold.  I can’t let my feelings in the way.  I realized that I’ve been falling for her the moment Jiyeon left to go home from the park.  Yes, right when I decided to help Jiyeon, I realized that I was helping Yennie as well.  I don’t know how but somehow, I felt that me doing something like this was more for Yennie’s sake and not to help Jiyeon.  I’m a horrible friend, I know.  I’m selfish and I know it.  At that moment, I started hating myself.  I tested myself if I really liked Yennie by thinking about the past starting from junior high school.

I guess I can start telling you that I was really protective over Yennie.  I wouldn’t let any boy go near her.  And any classmate that she talked  to, I was always in earshot.  I guess I kinda misunderstood my job as being “her best friend” and “shape the missing 5 years of her life” as being “overprotect her like a mother duck to her ducklings” and such.  But it’s too late to change it.  It’s been built into my personality since I was 5 years old.  Even in junior high school Yennie was by far one of the most prettiest girl ever to be exposed to the world.  Even without her twinkling giggles, wide happy eyes, warm smiles, she was still the most beautiful.  When she concentrated in class, her brows would furrow and she’d have this small pout on.  It was totally adorable.  Back then I probably didn’t realize that I liked her.  But reminiscing now, I found her most serious times the cutest.  One day I was going to leave school early because I wasn’t feeling too great.  I was concerned how Yennie was going to get home without me walking her.  “It’s okay!  I’ll walk home!  I’ll be fine.  Kim Bum, you should get home and get better soon.  The faster you get better, the sooner you’ll able to walk with me home.”  Those words.  I wanted to get better so that I can walk with her again.  So I went home with my mother.  I think I slept for most of the day but when I looked out my window, I saw Siwon holding Yennie’s hand and they were walking fast paced.  Well it looked more like Siwon fast paced walking while dragging Yennie.  I was concerned why Siwon was walking her home.  Siwon lives in the totally different direction!  I ran outside just in time to bump into the two of them.  Yennie looked like she was crying and Siwon looked enraged.  I was getting more and more nervous seeing the picture in front of me.  Siwon looked at me and gave me his famous smirk.  “It’s nothing.  Taecyeon just got lost and was getting too friendly with Yennie here.  I took care of it.  Don’t worry, bud.  Go back and get better.”  I didn’t move.  Did he mean “Taecyeon” as in “OK TAECYEON”?!?!?  “What was he doing around here?” I breathed.  Taecyeon lived near Siwon and as I said, Siwon lives in a totally different direction than me and Yennie.  I kind of figured that Taecyeon was hitting on Yennie despite that he’s older than us.

Later Yennie came over to give me my homework and she told me what Taecyeon said.  “Yennie, this is why I didn’t want you to walk home by yourself!”  Yennie seemed kind of scared that I suddenly lashed at her.  I felt bad.  “Yennie-ah, I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to yell.  I was just really worried.”  Looking back know I guess I was worried because I wanted to stay as Yennie’s best friend and maybe partially because Yennie was so pretty, I didn’t want any guy to get near her and take her away from me, especially if that guy was like a bad boy.  If he was that type of person, I know that darkness will swallow Yennie whole before I can come rescue her.

The situation about me liking Yennie so much was kinda bothering me to the point that I couldn’t concentrate.  Why was I so bothered about it?  Because I didn’t know if I liked Yennie 100%.  I have to like her 100% to actually confess to her.  If not, I might be the darkness that would hurt Yennie.  She would be out of my grasps before I know it.  I had to make sure that I liked her fully before I told her.  I told myself that I wouldn’t tell ANYONE that I liked her just yet.  Jiyeon is different.  She liked Siwon since she first saw him and eventually that small liking became a strong feeling of desire.  I’m not too sure if I “DESIRE” Yennie just yet.  I was totally unsure about how I felt.