Kim Woo Bin’s POV

“Kim Woo Bin, let’s talk” he says.

Finally!  It took two full weeks.

“Do you want to have dinner together?” I ask him. 

“No, let’s talk now.  Let’s have lunch in my van.” He says.  I don’t like this. 

“I really want to talk Sukkie.  So, this rushed thing is not the best option” I try to persuade him.

“First, stop calling me that.  I don’t like it anymore.  Second, let’s talk now.” He gets up and walks to the van.

His manager is inside looking through his phone.  He is surprised to see both of us.

“I am having lunch with him” Jong Suk says.  Manager looks at him enquiringly.  I am sure he is trying to figure out if he should stay or go.

“Just the two of us” Jong Suk clarifies.

“I will have to keep the door open” manager says.  “But I will keep an eye out”

Argh… The stuff that makes everything uncomfortable.

Jong Suk nods.

We are finally alone in the van.

He does not waste time.

“Woo Bin, it is really simple.  It was very hard for me when we had to break up.  Nothing has changed in our lives.  I don’t want to rekindle something that will again get us in pain.  So, can you please stop?  I told you, I have moved on.  You are making this harder that it needs to be.  the media, scandals, everything.  You need to stop.  Can you please help me and not do whatever that is you are doing?”

“So, this is what you wanted to talk about” I ask him.  My heart is shattered into million pieces.  I thought there would be something that I could latch on to.  But, he sounds so strong and so clear that I am almost sure this is the end. 

“Sukkie, maybe we can make it work this time” I tell him desperately.

“DON’T ING CALL ME THAT!” his voice is loud and I am worried someone will hear.  His manager hears and he immediately peeks in. 

“Everything okay?” he asks LJS.

Jong Suk breathes and waves at his manager.  He is red in the face and clearly angry.

This is not the place to have this kind of conversation.  We need privacy where we can deal with our emotions without being worried about how many will overhear us.  For now, I need him to calm down. 

Why the am I the only one trying?  If he does not want it, why am I so hell bent on this?

I know the answer to that question. I love him.  I have tried to get over him.  But I have failed.  But, I don’t want him this way. 

“I won’t call you that.  I am sorry, my bad” I tell him.  “I thought we could figure things out you know.  But, it looks like you are clear.  I love you Suk….Jong Suk.  It has been really hard for me but I thought we could start again and find a way to make things work.  I am sorry.  I don’t want you to be upset.”

“I am sorry” he says.  He has calmed down.  He looks vulnerable. 

“I don’t want to make anything harder for you Sukk….Jong Suk.  If you think this is the best way forward, I will respect that okay?  I don’t want you to be upset.  I did not realize I was bothering you so much.  So I am sorry.”

“Let’s just eat this damned lunch” He says.

“Never mind.  I will go.  It is tasty, so you finish it” I tell him.  I want to get away from here and deal with my own emotions.  Just when I am about to leave, he suddenly holds on to my hand.

“I am sorry.  I don’t want to hurt you” He says.

“Is that even possible?” I ask him honestly.  “I told you I love you and you said you want me to leave you alone.  And you are telling me you don’t want to hurt me.  It is kind of contradictory you know.”

“I am sorry.  But it was hard and I don’t want to go through it again.  It will be good for you too to move on” he says.

“Sukk… Jong Suk, It has been over three years.  Does it look like I have moved on?  You are stronger between the two of us.  So, I will leave you alone now.”

He presses on my hand and despite all the words we are exchanging, my body responds to his touch. That touch from him makes me tingle and the air in the van feels thicker making it hard to breathe.  I shake off his hand aggressively. 

I leave his van trying hard to control the volcano of emotions running through me.  Right now, all I want to do is dig a hole where I can bury myself.  But, I have more shooting to do.  I bite my lips, I look down, suppress everything I am feeling and think that I will let myself go when I can sleep.  Till then, I need to shake this off and focus on my work. 

LJS’s manager stops me.  “Are you okay Binniah?” he asks me kindly.  The moment I look into his eyes, I feel I am about to lose control.  I shake my head and he takes me away from the set. 

“When is your shooting starting?” he asks.  I look at my watch.  “Half hour I think”

“Let’s go to your van”.  He walks me to my van.

“I am sorry Woo Bin.  This is hard right?  He went through a bad time Binniah.  Try to understand him okay?  He has not gotten over it.  He has been trying hard to be happy again.  This drama was a bad idea for both of you.  Are you okay?” he rambles on as he tries to comfort me. 

He stays with me as I try and get a handle on my emotions.  I am surprised he is with me and not with LJS right now. 

“Jong Suk was angry” I tell him.

“I will take care of him.  Don’t worry.  Do you want some water?” He asks me.  He is so kind that I want to feel better soon.  But his kindness is just making me want to burst into tears. 

So finally they spill.  “There..there…It will all work out in the end” he tells me.

“How?” I ask him.  I feel like a child. 

“Just give it time.  Things have a way of working themselves out” he tells me.

“You have a shoot starting.  Where is your script?” he asks me when I don’t respond but stay with my head down in tears.

Just then, my manager comes along.  “Hey, what are you doing?  Did you eat? What’s going on?  Are you crying?”

LJS’s manager laughs.  “Ha ha.  Nothing.  Woo Bin gets very emotional sometimes.  He was talking about his fans sending a message to him and he got all emotional.  Ha ha… This boy…”

I am extremely embarrassed and take some deep breaths and finally look up laughing. 

“I get all silly” I tell them. 

My manager shakes his head.  “That time you cried at a fan meeting, so many people misunderstood why.  You are too emotional Woo Bin”.  He laughs wagging his finger.  “Control yourself!”

“Yeah” I grin.

LJS’s manager pats my shoulder.

They chat about other stuff while I get myself together.

…..

Another week goes by.  It has been extremely hard for me to completely ignore him.  I try and keep myself in my van when I am not needed for a shoot.  For the first few episodes, we don’t have any scenes together.  So, we have not had to face each other at all.  Earlier, I used to seek him out but now I have stopped.  No matter how determined I am, if he simply does not want it, then all my overtures will simply hurt me and irritate him.  I was too optimistic thinking what we felt for each other was so strong that when we had an opportunity to spend time together again, we would be just fine.  I was clearly wrong and immature in my thinking.  Life does not work that way. 

…...

Lee Jong Suk in my van.

I am alone.  Reading my script.  He suddenly appears.

“Surprise!” he says.  He is not smiling or grinning.

“Yeah” I tell him blandly.  I don’t know what to make of this.

“How is your script reading going?” he asks. 

Doesn’t he know my heart if flipping?  Doesn’t he know how his presence makes me feel?  Is he playing with me?  I don’t want to be best friends right now.

“Did you come for the show?” I ask him.  “What do you want me to do?  Laugh? Crack jokes?”

“Sorry.  I have not seen you around.  Just wanted to know how you are doing.”

“Go away Jong Suk.  I am trying not to bother you.  Keep your end of the deal” If I am a bit rude, I am sure he can deal.  He is the one who put me in this misery.  Little rudeness is perfectly acceptable.

“Okay.” And he leaves.

…..

No contact for couple more days.

Why did he come to my van?  The question lingers in my head.  I can’t make a head or tail about the purpose of that visit.  Nothing happened.  So, why did he come?  What did he expect?

…..

I continue to ignore his existence.  At least I want to. 

When you are in the same set, it is kind of difficult.  You still cannot ignore the presence. 

I cannot ignore when his laugher wafts in my direction.  I cannot ignore when I watch him get closer and closer with Seo-Yoen.  He is hanging out with her all the time now.  He is back to his touchy feely stuff.  I thought, now that he has grown up and is almost 29, he would be different and careful.  But no, he is still the same.  The only difference is that he is not that awkward around people anymore.  He seems to have developed this confidence in himself.  It just makes him that much more attractive in my eyes and I simply can’t deal with it anymore.  I feel my teeth have become smoother because of all the grinding that I have been doing.  My jaw aches from all the clenching.  I want to rip out my hair and scream in frustration because I am not able to get over him. 

This was the biggest blunder.  I should never have suggested doing a drama together to my agency.  I should never have brought that up.  I was extremely stupid. 

….

They tell us; today we are all having dinner together.  PD says, we can even drink a little as we are expected to start shooting later the next day. 

 I groan.  That would mean we will be sitting in the same room.  I am not sure if I am ready to see more of JongYeon couple.  They seem to be hanging on each other all the time.  I am even hearing a bit of gossip that they have become closer.  I don’t want to hear it.  So, when my manager brings that up, I tell him to shut up.  I tell him I don’t care.  Leave them in peace.

What I don’t tell him is that I can’t handle it.  I want to walk away from this drama.  I want them to kill me in the script so that I can stop coming for shoot.  I want to get away from it all.

I ask my manager if I could meet with my friends and be back for shooting the next day.  He reprimands me.  This is part of crew and actors bonding stuff.  It is just rude not to be part of it.  I have to stay and there can be no arguments.

So I stay.

….

We both have learnt what it means to drink in public.  So, I take it as slow as I can possibly be without attracting attention.  I have been known to like drinking so there is a lot of pressure on me.  Jong Suk on the other hand is known for not liking drinking.  So, they don’t pressure him.  ing bastard! 

When I start feeling the buzz, I tell everyone I have had enough.  I pretend I need to puke.  Of all the undignified ways to get out of a situation, I chose that one.  At least it gets me away from this nerve wracking get-together.  So, I walk out hurriedly.  My manager follows me and I wave at him. 

“I am fine.  Just did not want to drink”.  He understands and goes back inside.

I breathe the fresh air outside. 

My peaceful existence is shattered when Jong Suk decides to follow me.

“Hey, you okay?” he asks.

I ignore him.

He is suddenly right behind me.  His arm is around my waist as he pulls me closer and leans into my neck as he breaths.  I feel his hot breath on my neck.    

“What the are you doing?” I ask him.  His touch is sending shivers down my spine.  It constricts my breathing. 

He does not respond with words.  His hand around my waist is pulling me towards him and I can actually feel his hardness pressing against my back.

“Hey” I shake him away.  I rudely try and remove his arm from my waist.  He wraps his other arm. 

“Just for this moment” he murmurs against my neck as he holds me strongly, not letting me shake him off. 

“Make up your mind Jong Suk” I tell him. “Don’t play around”

“Just this moment.  For few seconds” he continues.  I feel his lips on my neck.  This simply won’t do.  I can already feel my body react to him.  I am flooded by the warmth his touch brings.  My mind feels fuzzy and I want to just let it happen.  But, I don’t understand this and I want to.

“Are you drunk?” I ask him.

“You are too right?” he asks me.  His lips are moving to my ears now.  He is biting my ears and then them.  My body unconsciously leans against him before my mind can talk itself out of it.

This will not do at all.

“Stop this right now.  Someone will come out.  Remember, you don’t want this.”

His hands are now trying to get inside my t-shirt and I finally come out of my daze.  I stomp on his leg.

That wakes him up.

“Awww” he says as he lets go.

I look around to make sure there is no one around.  It is a good thing everyone is drinking and no one is paying attention to who is missing. 

“I am going inside” I tell him. 

“Wait.” He says.  I don’t have enough strength in me to ignore him.  I am weak to him. 

“What?  You are drunk clearly and you have told me you don’t want this.  So, what are you doing?” I ask him.

He then takes me completely unawares and kisses me with open mouth. 

!