Lee Jong Suk POV

Commercial shoot the next day gets a little tiresome.  Lot of jumping around, showing a good time and all that.  We cling to each other most of the time.  They leave us alone to the most part.  Both of us have to leave directly from the photo shoot with no time to rest again. 

….

We sit down a little bit on the grass, to cool down and share a cigarette. 

“What was with the tears last night?” he asks me.

I wondered why he had not brought up that so far. 

I look at him while answering.  “I was overwhelmed”

KW “With what?”

I shrug a little “Everything I was feeling”

KW “What were you feeling?”

“Do I have to spell it out?” I ask him.  I don’t want to put everything in words.  Words sometimes do not describe all the feelings.  They sometimes are less effective.  I am not great with words. 

Him “Okay”

Me “It was just overwhelming” I wave my hand.

KW “overwhelming good?” 

Me “Overwhelming good”

We are silent again.

KW “I felt that way too..Overwhelmed”

LJS “I have not really felt that before.. So…” I let my sentence trail.

……

Him  “I liked being on top more than bottom” he suddenly switches the topic.

I look around.  I blush immediately.

He laughs at me. 

Him “What about you?”

Me “You are such an ”

Him “You can’t be the only one who can make random, embarrassing comments”

Me “When did I?”

Him  “All the time!  You are always saying weird things randomly..”

Me “Whatever!”

Him “You did not answer the question” 

Me “It was better yesterday” I admit to him.

Him “So, you can finally admit I am better than you with something, without getting jealous?”

I crush the cigarette on the ashtray.  “Do you need ego boost today?”

Him “I need ego boost every day”

Me “In that case, I will tell you everyday”

He laughs.  He sounds happy.  I grin looking down.  I am still flushed a little bit.  It reminds of our night. 

Him “I am going to miss you badly”

I sigh. 

…..

We find a moment in the bathroom for a long kiss.  But that is all that is possible. 

We say our byes with lingering hugs and whispered promises to each other.

…..

Today’s schedule involves a photo shoot and an interview with an actress who is currently working with Woo Bin.  We have done a commercial before so we are familiar with each other.  The commercial shoot is for a Jeans brand. 

She looks y.  Very different from how she looks in her dramas.  She is also nice to work with.  We chatted about our projects.  She said she had not had the time to watch my last drama but had heard lot of good things.  She is a year younger than me but she is very confident.  Has been in the industry for a while now and she has been really popular.  I wonder if she has gone thru whatever I am going through.  I can’t possibly ask her.  I don’t know anything about her personal life.  I don’t really know her that well.  Just know she is very popular.  I am getting opportunities to work with popular people.  I feel fortunate.

I am also jealous that she gets to be with Woo Bin for three full months almost.  I don’t think it will ever happen for us again. 

“How is Woo Bin doing?” I ask her between shoots.  I think the whole industry knows we are friends.  So, there is nothing to hide. 

“He is a dork” she says.

I laugh happily.  He is a dork without a doubt. 

“He is fun to be around” I tell her.  She agrees.  I am then at loss for words. 

I want to ask her if he asked about me.  I want to ask her does he look like he misses me.  All that will sound extremely silly.  So, I refrain.

“I miss not having time to meet friends.  When I have time, they don’t have time” I finally tell her.

“I know the feeling.  It can get really lonely no?”

We nod to each other, feeling slightly emotional. 

But we are ready for the next set and they are calling us.

…..

We have an interview together.  The interviewer comes in between changes.  I don’t really like interviews.  I am better at it now than I was but I am still not very confident.  Woo Bin is really good at that.  Don’t think of him now, I tell myself.  I sweat a lot and cannot come up with anything humorous to say.  But people still laugh and I think they are just being polite.  My sense of humor works only with people who really know me.  For others, I may be too childish or too random or plain awkward.  Woo Bin can really make people laugh. 

‘Stop with the wondering mind’  I reign in my thoughts.

I need to focus and listen to what he is asking me.  Did he just mention Woo Bin’s name?  What?  I am confused.  I ask him “What?”  So, he repeats the question.  “Woo Bin or her?”. 

Are you kidding me?  What kind of question is that?  I need to think.  What should I come back with?  “Why are you asking to choose between a girl and a boy?”  I think that sounds fine right?  Right?

She comes to my rescue.  For that moment, I love her.  She says from boys, I can choose Woo Bin and for girls I can choose her. 

We all laugh.  Phew!  These interviewers need to stop asking me about Woo Bin.  It’s getting really uncomfortable.  I was okay when we were all just friends.  Now it’s different and I am not comfortable talking about him.  We are private.  Stop asking.  Leave us alone. 

What am I thinking?  The only way we can meet is when I have schedules with him.  So, I better talk a little when given a chance.  Let fans keep liking us.  It is good for us.  The longer they keep liking us together, more we can meet.

I am disgusted with own thoughts…. 

I am so conflicted about everything these days….

Do the interviewer and Shin Hey sense my mood is changing?  I have developed this great ability to keep smiling and nodding even when I am not really listening.  It looks as if I am really engaged but my mind wonders.  If I miss something, all I have to do is smile brilliantly and everyone around me tends to just melt and are happy to repeat questions or just change the question or actually help me answer in a way that works.  I am selfish.  I use that often these days. 

One of these days I am going to get caught.  My manager has been looking at me with concern in recent days.  I need to act even when I am not acting.  That is when I get most tired.

But she is easy to get along with.  I like her.  So, I ask her for her number and she gives it to me.  I know my manager has told me not to give out my number freely.  I am surprised she does not pause before giving me her number.  So, I give her mine.  We smile at each other. 

One of these days, I need to start liking girls again.  Woo Bin is all over my head and heart.  Even if I really like a girl, I can’t seem to really like them.  It is frustrating me.  Wouldn’t it be great if I can really like this girl?  She is nice.  But no, it’s not going to happen.  Not that she would be interested in me.  She is more busy than I am.  She is more popular than I am.  ‘What the am I thinking?’

I have not seen him since that party and I am frustrated and sick of missing him.  We talk every day but it’s not the same as having him in the room.

I miss him.  I love him so much it is making me sick.  So, I am working all the time and making sure I don’t have time to think. 

It’s not been working all that well for me.  I go around feeling depressed most of the time.  I have also been worrying about the new movie coming up.  I have not been happy with what I did in it.  I have not been happy about the movie.

Sigh…I am just not happy…

….