Kim Woo Bin POV

So busy last few weeks doing MC work, guesting on a fashion program, radio interviews, and the drama shooting. 

It is a good year for me professionally.  It is a good year personally as well.  But it is also been a frustrating year personally.  Just when something really good happened, it just happened at a wrong time… 

We are getting less and less time for each other.  Every time I call him or he calls me, we are ing tired.  I am afraid of the distance in our relationship. 

Is just worse because my old manager left.  We had gotten along so well.  Just before leaving he told me to work hard for my dreams.  I am feeling depressed again.  I hope everything goes well for him.  I have to get used to these new managers now.  My old manager always helped when it came to LJS.  He never acknowledged our relationship but I was almost sure he knew there has been something going.  I did Jong Suk this and Jong Suk that all the time.  It would have been hard not to notice that.  Anytime I was free, I was looking for Sukkie’s news.  At least my old manager would actually point out if there was some new stuff on Sukkie to me. 

Sigh.  I miss my manager and I miss Jong Suk.  I have no idea when I will see him again.  It is going to be too long.  Once I am back after this shooting, I will find some time and make it work.  There was no way he was too busy for one evening.  I simply would have to come up with some excuse. 

My agency wants the focus away from Jong Suk for a while because of the drama I am in.  People will have to start getting excited about the new relationships.  No “bromance” has lasted as much as ours had and while it makes sense for some of the business, I can’t be always associated with him.  I need to be Kim Woo Bin without Jong Suk as well.  I guess it makes sense for the image.  But I don’t want to be without him.  So, if we don’t work together, I will have to find other ways to meet. 

I had some fun hanging around with old friends in the when guesting in the fashion program.  It was fun for a while but then it was just tiresome.   They are constantly making fun of me.  It would have been so much fun if LJS could have been part of that.  That would be a pipe dream.  He is too big now for shows like that.  I am sure they have scripts for him that fill the room.  I was almost bored hanging around these guys but we were shooting a show and I had to show I was having fun all the time.  Arghhh.  Some of the stuff just irritates me.

I need to study this script.  Director is going to get very upset with me if I keep forgetting the lines.  Sometimes, that stupid accent keeps coming back… How much did I curse in that movie? 

Don’t drift….

Today I am having particularly difficult time focusing.  Waiting around for 10 minutes screen time in an episode is tiresome. 

Why am I getting these tough characters all the time?  One of these days, I want to do a cute character. 

Read the script.  Don’t drift.

Jong Suk…what are you doing right now?

I saw his movie posters today.  ing half !! 

Stop it.  Stop imagining…

Don’t drift..

……

Lee Jong Suk POV

Today my movie posters came out.  They released the trailer as well.  They made them look good.  How hard did I push my body to work in that movie?  I wish I was happier with the acting.  One of these days, I need to stop thinking about just looking good and work on the characters I want to play.

I am not happy with my work. 

I am unsettled, insecure.  Can I really do this? 

I have seen veteran actors not care about image and throw themselves into acting.  That is where I want to go.  I want to be an actor.  All my anxieties about my career and all the loneliness that I feel is driving me to depression.

Even my chats with Woo Bin are not helping me anymore.

And I don’t have time to recover as I am already working on the other movie.  I personally am invested in that character.  I want to do better.

Am I up to it?

…..

Our talks over the phone have been deteriorating lately.

…..

“That guy really hangs on to you.  I saw BTS” I tell him.

“You are kidding me!” he says.  “This is what you want to talk about when we have a minute to chat?”

“Can you at least pretend you don’t like him hanging on to you?”

“I don’t even have to pretend you head.  What is wrong with you?” he asks me.

“I can see things more clearly now” I am not giving up on my complaints.

“Aren’t you too busy shooting a movie?  If you are not, find an occupation.  Sleep.  Watch other stuff.  Watch Secret.  I heard good things about it.” he tells me. 

“You don’t miss me at all” I complain.

“Yeah.  That is my big problem.  I don’t miss you” he tells me sarcastically.

I am left irritated and I am almost sure it is my entire fault. 

…..

“I am sorry I am so pissy” I tell him another time.

“I know you miss me” he is all being cute.  He forgives me more easily than I forgive myself.

“Why you had to be a lovable bully?” I ask him.

“I am lovable?” he asks me teasingly.

Then I go into a detailed explanation about all his lovable ways and he tells me about all my lovable ways and we find ourselves breathing deeper with our hands busy, panting, whispering, breathing more and finally sighing.

“Why is it that I am more frustrated after these chats?” he asks me.

I really can’t resolve that for him because all I want to do is scream.

…..

“Did you have a crush on him or something?  Why is there so much stuff about your bromance?” He asks me one day.

My previous movie did not have a lot of substance so promotions were all focused on how I got along with my co-actor.  I did get along with him.   He was comfortable enough for me not to be inhibited.  We will always be good friends. 

“He was really nice to me.  I liked him.”

“Don’t ing tease me Lee Jong Suk.  I am not in the mood” he is really angry. 

“Sorry, Sorry.  Gosh.  Come on.  You know how it is”

Why are our conversations all about the other guys these days?  It is getting very tiring.

I am so fed up that I would welcome him talk about his dates again!

No wait.  I don’t.

……

My movie does not do well. 

I did not expect it to do well.  I was disappointed with it. 

But the expectations people have around me have been terrifying me.  All I wanted to be was an actor.  But the business side of things is quickly making me understand it is not just about acting alone.  I can’t be in a cocoon and think only about my desires.  There are other people who depend on my success for their livelihoods and it is ing scary feeling.  I have been mostly worried about feeding myself for a very long time and now these are very different sort of worries.

I have commercial contracts now that keep me busy.  Magazine shoots and interviews when I have downtime.  My second movie is almost done.  Just couple of weeks to go. 

I am a little more satisfied and excited about this new movie.  I don’t know how it will do commercially but I have felt mildly satisfied with my character and how I have portrayed it.  I will have to wait for couple of months before it gets released.

In the meantime, I get some free time.

……

His popularity soars.

…..

It has been couple of months since I have seen him.   Neither of us have had the time to dwell too much.  Loneliness has been a constant companion.  I feel up and then I feel down.  His drama is now live which means there is just no time.  I know exactly how that is.  He probably sleeps 2 -3 hours a day.  Probably catches a nap whenever he can.  I did the same for a very long time.

…..

Rationality is not all that it is made out to be.  It really does not help when you miss someone this much.  Despite reminding myself that I need to be supportive, I can’t help being an during some of our testy exchanges.

…..

Him “We need some time.  Another two weeks.  My drama will be done”

Me “Can you get a week of free time?”

Him “Will make it happen”

…..

Now, we both have to work with our people to make sure we have the same week free.  And then we have to make sure we spend time without anyone noticing us together. 

I know I need to start with my manager first.  He seems to be the only one who I can take help from.

…..

His drama is a great success.  He is especially a great success.  He was the second lead but he was so good that everyone is only talking about him.  Most of the chatter agrees that he stood out among the large, very popular star cast. 

His company needs to cash in on his popularity.

He tells me there are too many commitments for him.   Too many photo shoots, commercials to shoot, scripts to read, appearances.  He is not sure if he can get away for one week.

It is a stained conversation.  It almost sounds like a beginning of an ending. 

I understand.

….

We do not get our week.

….

I wake up and my pillows are wet.

So, I sleep.

I wake up.  I don’t want to be awake.

So, I sleep.

……