Lee Jong Suk POV

Script reading starts in two hours.  It has been more effort for me to be mentally ready to have to see him again.  Normally, I would have spent more time focusing on the script and my character but I have been slightly stressed about seeing him after so many years.  I don’t really understand why I am this nervous.  I have moved on.  I don’t miss him anymore.  He was part of my past.  It was beautiful while it lasted and it was extremely painful when it ended.  While I don’t regret any of it, I don’t think I can go through that again.  So, why am I on edge about this meeting?

I have been rehearsing what to say, how to act.  With so many cameras flashing and with so many watching both of us especially, I will have to act more than usual.  I will have to show we are still friends for the cameras.  It would be easy if I can just treat him like another stranger.  But the fact that I have to treat him as my best friend is what gets me under pressure.  How do I pull that off?

I will be fine.  I have become stronger mentally.  I am not that awkward guy in the corner anymore. 

I will embrace him warmly, shake his hands, say the words old best friend meeting after a long time say to each other.  And then occupy myself with everyone else to show I am busy and getting to know others. 

I try and relax.  I still cannot explain the anticipation that builds inside me.

…..

How is he going to behave?  Will he also try to make it easier for both us and act it out?  Will he be casual? 

Am I ready for this?

I can almost feel a stress headache coming on. 

……

On my way to the script reading, my manager asks me how I am feeling.

I tell him I am excited to be working again and doing what I love to do.  Act.

I am excited to meet new people.  Start my comeback.

I don’t tell him I am such a nervous wreck that if there is an option to run away from it all, I would gladly take that option now. 

If he suspects anything, he does not tell me. 

…..

Everyone is standing around greeting each other as I enter the room.  My eyes do a quick scan of the room.  I see his back with a group of people and he is just about to turn and I immediately divert my gaze to the first group of people near the door.

I steady myself holding my managers shoulder a bit.  I did not expect that overwhelming feeling that made me feel suffocated and giddy.  I breathe deeply trying to calm myself.  This will not do at all.

I greet the first group of people.  Lot of bowing and smiling and holding both hands.  Some polite chatter. 

I control my urge to look at him again.  I know he has already heard my voice and is probably trying just like me, to appear casual.  I wonder if this is as difficult for him as it is for me.  Perhaps not.  He has been going out with a girlfriend now.  So, knowing him, what he possibly feels is a lot of guilt.  May be I should make this easier on him.  I have nothing against him.  Based on what I am feeling, clearly I feel exactly what I felt for him then.  I still love him and that is why this is hard.  I have to treat him like a friend again.   I have to be good.  I have to do better.

I almost choke on my feelings again. 

My heart is beating faster as I move to the second group of people.  I am supposed to be in control.  Stop feeling this way. 

As I greet the second group of people, I look up and our eyes meet.

If seeing his back made me feel giddy, looking at him face, his eyes now has my stomach drop.  I keep the smile plastered on my face.  At least I hope it is because I feel numb and frozen.  I feel my legs have taken root, and I am unable to move.  His gaze transfixes me.  My body heat goes up.  I feel the sweat on my forehead. 

I am lost again. 

It comes a shock to realize nothing has changed the way I feel for him at all.   I have clearly not moved on.  Everything that I ever said to myself has been a lie.  A way to avoid and deal with the pain.  I have never really resolved this relationship and now it is back to bite me in the . 

I did not really expect to feel this much, this strongly.     

All this happens for a brief second and I am brought back to reality by an insistent pressure on my shoulder applied by my manager.

I swallow everything I feel, grin widely and wave at him.  I don’t pause to see what his eyes say.  It does not matter.  How he reacts is really his problem.  I turn my head and focus on the second group of people.  I take my time, I want to avoid going to him and hopefully someone will ask us to sit soon.

But no, he has walked over to where I am.  He taps my shoulder.  I turn around and he pulls me in for a hug. 

“Lee Jong Suk.  How are you?” he asks.

Right!

I hug back and make it as warm and ‘best friend’ as possible.  I laugh as a hug and pat his back.  I can see the camera flashes going.  I see a video camera running.  All these are recorded moments.    I see everyone watching us with big smiles on their faces.  They think this is a great moment.  Best friends, who have not seen each other for a long time, meeting again.  They want to smile at our joy of seeing each other.  They want this moment for us. 

“Kim Woo Bin!  Hey..  Ha ha.  I am fine.  How have you been you bastard?  Ha ha.”  I let him go but keep a hold on his arms just like I used to.  Just like how everyone was used to seeing us.

“Your hair is shorter” I tell him laughing.  That is the best I can come up with at the moment. 

He hits my chest the way he used to.  “Ha ha.  I kept it short.  Your hair grew back pretty well” he says as he laughs.

Cameramen asks us to pose.  We put our heads together as we had done in the past countless time, pose with our characteristic V sign.  He puts his arm around my shoulder and my hand slides to his waist.  We grin for the cameras. 

He knows we are pretending and I am glad we still share the same wavelength.

“Did you get time to relax since you came back?” he asks me.  All for the people in the earshot. 

“Yeah.  Getting desperate to work again” I tell him.

“Me too” he says. 

I feel his smile is not necessarily reaching his eyes.  He is trying hard and for that I am grateful.

“Ha ha” I laugh more awkward laugh.

The following awkward silence feels heavy and I feel difficulty breathing.  Everything that I feel is creating a big lump in my throat and i feel it is choking me.

My manager comes to my rescue.  “Shall we sit?” he asks randomly and loudly.  He says it cheerfully.  I know he is trying to break the moment.  Distract everyone.

There is a bustle of activity around and we are forgotten briefly as everyone gets ushered to their seats.

…..

Everyone settles down to start reading.  Fortunately, he is in the same row as I am, with at least 4 people between us.  I thank whoever organized it that way.  At least for the duration of the script reading, I don’t have to worry about looking at him. 

I try and relax my mind.  I get into my character.  That makes rest of the time easy.  I avoid eye contact of any kind with him. 

Seeing him was more difficult that I thought it was.  Clearly, I was not ready for it.  I just have to work harder going forward.  We will be around each other constantly for 4 full months and possibly more after that.  It is going to be a hellish place for me.  The only fall back plan for me is to make new friends and then immerse myself in the character and stay busy.

….