~ Flashback~

" Is he okay ? " Mr Hong asked his wife as he entered the kitchen, she was preparing a cup of honey tea. Joshua's favourite.

Mrs Hong shook her head, " He's still crying in his room, he won't come out for dinner. I sent some soup up, but I don't think he's even touched it. " and she added another teaspoon of sugar and stirred.

" Have you tried talking to him ? "

She sighed, " You don't know our son, dear. Whenever he's upset, he shuts himself out. He locks everyone away, dear. " she took the cup with her hands. " I'm trying again now, he values people so much, it's normal for him to act this way. "

She crept upstairs and knocked on her son's bedroom door. " Joshua, can I come in? " 

There was no answer.

She took a big breath and turned the knob and went in. The room was pitch black, except for the little nightlamp that lit itself up. Joshua was nowhere to be seen, he was hiding under his covers, blankets and all. Mrs Hong patted him softly, cautious not to startle him. As she touched him, she could clearly feel her son shaking. This was the worst she had ever seen him, the last time he cried this bad was when his puppy got run over by a car.

" Joshua ? Dear ? " she whispered. " Can you come here for a second? "

" No. " he said in a muffled voice. " Don't bother, mom..."

" You know you can tell me anything, right ? " she said gently. " Because I won't tell you I'll understand, but I will listen to you. It's better to share your feelings with someone, that way it won't hurt as much. "

" Okay, but close the door. " and he slowly got up from his covers.

His face was red and splotchy, raw from crying. His cheeks hurt from wiping away the tears again and again, he was still crying non-stop. Mrs Hong's heart ached from seeing her son like that, but she knew it was for the better. This was part of growing up.

" Let mommy hug you, okay ? " she said. Joshua immediately embraced her, already breaking down. 

" Why...why does everything have to be like autumn ? " he wailed. " Why-why d-does everything that's beautiful have to be dead ?! Why is it that everything that I love have to leave me ? " 

" Oh, Joshua...." his mom storked his hair affectionately. " It's not your fault you couldn't help Lily. "

" Yes it was ! " he cried. " She told me. She told me about her parents, and I was scared to tell anyone. If I told someone earlier, this wouldn't have happened. She wouldn't be dead, and it was all my fault ! "

Everyone said Joshua was such a smart child, but his mom thought he was too smart for his own good. Too smart to understand things at a young age, already too smart to know what true feelings were. 

" Baby, I know it's hard for you. " she was close to crying as well. " But no matter how hard you cry, nothing will change. "

" I'm just hoping for a what if . " he answered. " What if I told someone ? Why did Lily die ? Why did she leave me ? Maybe I didn't love her hard enough. "

" Oh, no Joshua ! " his mom quickly said. " She would never do that to you, nor did you not love her enough. "

" Then why didn't she hold on ? Hold on to me ? " his eyes were full of tears. " Why did her parents treat her like this ? She didn't deserve it ! " 

For a twelve year old, Mrs Hong realized there was a lot going on in her son's mind. Too mature for his own good. 

" I know, I know. " she comforted him. " No one deserves to be treated like that, but we can't interfere with their problem. It's not in our place to question whether people should be treated the way they are. All we can do is love them with all our heart. "

She brushed her fingers across Joshua's cheek, " And I can guarantee you, that you loved her more than anyone has ever loved Lily. You've done everything you could to save her, but I know that her time with you was her happiest. Isn't that why you both loved each other ? "

" Because I made her happy ? " he sniffled.

" Because you made her smile. " she concluded. " And that's what matters. "

~ End Of Flashback ~

For days, Joshua wasn't talking to me. Either he was always missing whenever I was around, or he was just avoiding me. It was agonizing, this Joshua that I knew existed. Whenever there was a problem, he would shut himself out. And he was doing that to me. 

Was I the problem ? 

I didn't know, so I acted like I did everyday. Even when he was missing, I pretended it was a minor coincidence. To the state where I started to believe that both of us were just bored of seeing each other.

That very day, I finally got to meet him during breakfast. His eyes darted towards me, and he looked away quickly. To be honest, I missed him looking at me, like I was catching his attention. Now it was like a was an optical illusion all over again, sometimes I was there, sometimes I wasn't.

" Hmm, the porridge is really good ! " Mr Hong praised. 

" Thanks to our new chef ! " Mrs Hong beckoned to me with her mug. " What did you put in it ? "

" Well, just some seasoning and minced meat. " I chuckled. " I'm used to making it for customers, and myself. "

Jane her lips, " Spoken like a true chef, right Joshua ? "

Joshua only flickered a smile, and it was gone. He was looking down at his bowl again.

Deep inside, I was close to sulking. I know he didn't do anything wrong, it just felt like he was purposely avoiding me. And I didn't want that, like at all.

We all finished breakfast, and I was busy helping Mrs Hong do the dishes when I saw Joshua passing the kitchen. I immediately put down whatever I was doing and caught up with him. He was heading outside.

" Joshua, wait up ! " I called after him. 

He looked surprised when he turned around, not the always happy expression I got. I felt kind of insecure.

" Well ? What did you want to talk about ? " he asked.

I wanted him to talk to me like we used to, where there wasn't exactly a purpose. We just wanted to talk. 

" Since when do I need a reason to talk to you ? " I simply replied. " Joshua, c'mon. I know you're better than that. "

He shrugged. I say again, " What's wrong with you ? Talk to me. "

He still shruggs. I playfully shove him, " Don't shrug, shrugger. "

He just shook his head and smiles faintly. He was adorable, but I'd rather he talked to me. " You know it hurts, when I think people don't like me anymore. "

" Since when did I say I didn't like you ? " he asks.

" You act like it. You hardly say anything to me now, and I'm the kind of person to ask myself if I did anything wrong or did I put you in the wrong place. "

" You did nothing wrong, you just don't know how much I can't stand being in this situation. " he answered and he started walking away.

" I'll see you soon. " I wave at him. He doesn't reply.

He said he couldn't handle the situation ? I couldn't handle the situation where he was avoiding me.

I found out that Teddy was having a cold, so she didn't go with the others for the band busking in Auckland. Turned out, her mom invited us over for lunch. So we headed over, and she welcomed us into their home.

Her house reminded me of a set Disney Channel would have, it was super comical and alive with colors. While her mom was showing them around the house and explaining her teddy bear collection, I asked for the direction to Teddy's room. 

I knocked on the door, and she told me to come in. As I entered, I could see her room was like any normal girl's room. A few band posters stuck on the purple wall, dressers with unfolded clothes, and Teddy was lying in her bed.

" Oh, hey Minju..." she greeted as she blew her nose. " Great to see you. " 

I went to sit beside her in bed, her nose is red from the cold. I hand her another tissue. " Feeling better ? " 

" Yep. " she answers weakly. " Just who gets a cold in the middle of summer ? "

I just laugh, soon we were launching into a conversation. " Joshua's been pushing me away lately. " I said.

She frowns, " That's weird, Joshua's not the type to shut people away. " 

" Well, he totally seems like it. " I said. " He's avoiding me. He said he couldn't handle the situation, what does he even mean ? "

Slowly, she creeps into a smile, " I got it, that's so Joshua. " 

" Is he always like that ? " 

" He does that when he can't decide on what to do. " she explains. " He used to have this major crush on this girl in middle school. "

" Is it Lily ? " I wonder.

She looks at me, " How did you know ? "

" I have my information. Just tell me . "

" Well, we all knew they liked each other . Only, I think they loved each other. It wasn't the usual puppy love, that's not Joshua. When he likes someone, he doesn't play around. And that girl, she died. That kinda left him broken, for like days. So yeah, it takes a lot for him to actually have the courage to like someone again. "

I knew about Lily, and I knew how much Joshua felt guilty about her death. Only I didn't know he loved her that much, I wasn't even mad or jealous. 

" But what does that have to do with me ? " I kept on asking. 

She looks at me sympathetically, " Minju, stop denying it. You know he likes you, and I can see that you like him. "

I didn't know what to say, at all. That sounded so ridiculous to me, about Joshua. But the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. All this time, he was the one helping me out. Yeah, as a friend. But I always secretly felt like there was also another reason, that's why I kept asking him. But how much did Teddy know about him ? 

Was he that easy to read, or was I the one that was blind to notice anything? Or the scariest of all, was I refusing to believe what was infront of me ? 

Was I lying to myself ?

I walked into my room that evening, after the nice meal at Teddy's. Jane had a meeting with some friends until ten, so the room was all to myself. I went down to the kitchen and baked snickerdoodles and chocolate chips. I couldn't eat it all alone, so I left a plate of them and a glass of strawberry milkshake infront of Joshua's doorstep. 

As I returned to my room, I picked up MR AIRPLANE and began to continue from where I left off. I was determined to finish halfway tonight, so I wasn't stopping. I didn't realize it had already been night. I was reading halfway, until something fell out in between the pages. 

A letter, addressed to me.

From Joshua.