Jessica POV

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Me: What’s taking you so long? Are you writing a damn book?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t know if my rubbing her shoulders is putting her to sleep, but she’s been staring at her phone for 5 solid minutes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yul: Sorry. Lost in thought.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Me: I can see that. So, Sounds of Cedar?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yul: It’s kind of a long story. Let me grab my laptop.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I open up our Facebook messages on my phone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When she returns, she leans against a counter several feet away from me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m aware of the fact that she’s put space between us, and it makes me feel somewhat uncomfortable, because I know I shouldn’t have been rubbing her shoulders.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s too much, considering what’s happened between us in the past, but I feel as if it’s my fault her shoulders hurt in the first place.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She doesn’t really complain about what playing on the floor is doing to her, but I can tell it hurts sometimes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Especially after nights like last night, when we wrote for 3 hours straight.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I asked Yuri to start playing on the floor to help with the fact that things seem to be more difficult when she’s on the bed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If I didn’t still have such a huge crush on her guitar playing, it might not be as big a problem.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But I do still have a definite crush on her guitar playing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And I would say I have a definite crush on her, but crush doesn’t even begin to define it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m not even going to try to define how I feel about her, because I refuse to let my thoughts go there.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not now and not ever.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yul: We had all been playing together for fun for about 6 months before we got our first real gig at a local restaurant.

 

They needed us to give them the name of our band so they could put us on the schedule. We had never really considered ourselves an actual band before that, since it was all in fun, but that night, we agreed that maybe for local things like the restaurant, it would be good to have a name.

 

We all took turns throwing out suggestions, but we couldn’t seem to agree on anything. At one point, Yoong suggested we call ourselves Freak Frogs. I laughed. I told her it sounded like a punk band, that we needed a title with more of an acoustic sound. She got upset and said I shouldn’t really be allowed to comment on how music or titles sound, since, well, yay for lame deaf jokes from 16-year-old little sisters.

 

Anyway, Hae didn’t like how cocky Yoona was back then, so he said I should choose the name and everyone had to agree on it. Yoong got pissed and walked off, said she didn’t want to be in the band anyway.

 

I knew she was just having a Yoona tantrum. She didn’t have them often, but when she did have them, I understood. I mean, the kid had virtually no parents, and she was raising herself, so I thought she was pretty damn mature despite the sporadic tantrums.

 

I told the girls I wanted to think on it for a while. I tried to come up with names that I thought would mean something to everyone, but mostly to Yoong. I thought back on what got me into listening to music in the first place.

 

Yoong was around 2 years old, and I was 5. I’ve already shared to you all the qualities my parents possessed, so I won’t go back into that. But in addition to all their addictions, they also liked to party.

 

They would send us to our rooms at night once all their friends began to arrive. I noticed that Yoong was always wearing the same diapers when she woke up that she wore to bed. They never checked on her. Never fed her at night or changed her or even checked to see if she was breathing.

 

This is probably something that had been occurring since she was an infant, but I didn’t really notice until I started school, because I think I was just too young.

 

We weren’t allowed to leave our rooms at night. I don’t remember why I was too scared to leave my room, but I’m sure I’d been punished for it before, or it wouldn’t have bothered me. I would wait until the parties were over and my parents went to bed before I could leave my room and go check on Yoong.

 

The problem with this was that I couldn’t hear, so I never knew when the music would stop, and I never knew if they had gone to their bedroom, because I wasn’t allowed to open my door. Instead of risking being caught, I would just press my ear to the floor and feel the vibrations of the music. Every night, I would lie there for no telling how long, just waiting for the music to stop.

 

I began to recognize the songs based on how they felt through the floor, and I learned how to predict which songs were coming next, since they played the same albums night after night. I even began to learn how to tap along with the rhythm.

 

After the music would finally stop, I would keep my ear pressed to the floor and wait for my parents’ footsteps to indicate that they had gone to their bedroom. Once I knew the coast was clear, I would go to Yoong’s room and bring her back to bed with me.

 

That way, when she woke up crying, I could help her. Which brings me back to the point of this story, how I came up with the band name. I learned how to differentiate chords and sounds through all the nights my body and my ears were pressed against the cedar floor. Hence Sounds of Cedar.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Inhale, exhale.

Beat, beat, pause.

Contract, expand.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t even realize how on edge I am until I see the white in my knuckles as I grip my phone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We both remain still for several moments while I attempt to get the image of the 5-year-old Yuri out of my head.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s gut-wrenching.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Me: I guess that explains how you can differentiate vibrations so well. And I guess Yoona agreed once you told her the name, because how could she not appreciate that?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yul: Yoong doesn’t know that story. Once again, you’re the first person I’ve ever shared it with.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I lift my eyes back to her and inhale, but for the life of me, I can’t remember how to exhale.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She’s a good 3 feet away, but I feel as if every single part of me that her eyes fall on is being directly touched by her.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For the first time in a while, the fear etches its way back into my heart.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fear that one of these moments will be one neither of us can resist.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She sets her laptop on the counter and folds her arms across her chest.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Before her eyes meet mine, her gaze falls on my legs, and then she slowly works her eyes up the entire length of my body.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Her eyes are narrow and focused.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The way she’s looking at me makes me want to lunge for the freezer and crawl inside.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Her eyes are fixed on my mouth, and she quietly swallows, then reaches beside her and picks up her phone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yul: Hurry, Sica. I need a serious flaw, and I need it now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I force a smile, although my insides are screaming for me not to text her back a flaw.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s as if my fingers are fighting with themselves as they fly over the screen in front of me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Me: Sometimes when I’m frustrated with you, I wait until you look away, and then I yell mean things at you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She laughs, then looks back up at me. “Thank you,” she silently mouths.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s the first time she’s ever mouthed words, and if she weren’t walking away from me right now, I’d be begging for her to do it again.

 

 

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