Jessica POV

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have no idea where we’re going, but I’m doing my best to appear engaged.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m in the backseat with Donghae, and he’s talking to me about the band, explaining his involvement in it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I ask the appropriate questions and nod at the appropriate moments, but my mind isn’t here at all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know I can’t expect the hurt and heartache to go away this quickly, but today has been the worst day so far since my actual birthday.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I realize that all the pain I’ve been feeling hasn’t been quite as bad because I’ve had Yuri this week.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t know if it’s the way she brings comedic relief when she’s around or if it’s because I really was developing a crush on her, but the times I’ve spent with her were the only times I felt remotely happy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They were the only times I wasn’t thinking about what Jun and Dara did to me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But now, watching her in the front seat with her hand clasping Taeyeon’s.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t like it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t like how her thumb occasionally sweeps back and forth.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t like the way Taeyeon looks at her.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I especially don’t like the way Yuri looks at her.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I didn’t like how Yuri slipped her fingers through hers when we reached the bottom of the apartment stairs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I didn’t like how she opened her door, then placed her hand on Taeyeon lower back while she climbed inside the car.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I didn’t like how they had a silent conversation while she was putting the car in reverse.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I didn’t like how she laughed at whatever Taeyeon said and then pulled Taeyeon to her so she could kiss her forehead.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t like how all of these things make me feel as though the only good moments I’ve had since last week are now over.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nothing has changed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nothing significant happened between the two of us, and I know we’ll continue with the way things have been.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We’ll still write lyrics together.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yuri might still listen to me sing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We’ll still continue to interact the way we’ve done since I met Yuri, so this situation shouldn’t be bothering me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know in my heart that I didn’t want anything to happen with her, especially at this point in my life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know I need to be on my own.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I want to be on my own.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But I also know that the reason I’m feeling so conflicted by this entire situation is that I did have a little hope.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Although I wasn’t ready for anything right now, I thought the possibility would be there.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I assumed that maybe someday, when I was ready, things could have developed between us.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

However, now that Taeyeon is in the picture, I realize there can’t be a maybe someday between us.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There will never be a maybe someday.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She loves her, and Taeyeon obviously loves her, and I can’t blame them, because whatever they have is beautiful.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The way they look at each other and interact and obviously care about each other is something I didn’t realize was missing between Jun and me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Maybe someday I’ll have that, but it won’t be with Yuri, and knowing that diminishes whatever ray of hope shone through the storm of my week.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jesus, I’m so depressing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I hate Jun.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I really hate Dara.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And right now, I’m so pathetically miserable, I even hate myself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Are you crying?” Donghae asks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“No.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He nods. “Yes, you are. You’re crying.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I shake my head. “I am not.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“You were about to,” he says, looking at me sympathetically.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He puts his arm around my shoulder and pulls me against him. “Chin up, little girl. Maybe tonight we can find someone who will screw the thought of that ex right out of that pretty little head of yours.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I laugh and slap him in the chest.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I would volunteer to do it, but Bora doesn’t like to share,” he says.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“She’s kind of a like that, if you haven’t noticed.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I laugh again, but when my eyes meet Yuri’s in the rearview mirror, my smile fades.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Her jaw is firm, and her eyes lock with mine for a few seconds before she refocuses on the road in front of her.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She’s unreadable most of the time, but I could swear I saw a small flash of jealousy behind those eyes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And I don’t like how seeing her jealous that I’m leaning against Donghae actually feels good.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Turning 22 has rotted my soul.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Who am I, and why am I having these awful reactions?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We pull into the parking lot of a club.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve been here a few times with Dara, so I’m relieved that it won’t be completely unfamiliar.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Donghae takes my hand and helps me out of the car, then puts an arm around my shoulders and walks with me toward the entrance.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I’ll make you a deal,” he says. “I’ll keep my hands off you tonight so guys won’t assume you’re madly in love with me. I hate blockers, and I refuse to be one. But if anyone makes you uncomfortable, just look at me and give me a signal so I can swoop in and pull you out of the situation.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I nod. “Sounds like a plan. What kind of signal do I give you?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I don’t know. You can your lips seductively. Maybe squeeze your s together.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I elbow him in the side. “Or maybe I can just scratch my nose?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He shrugs. “That works, too, I guess.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He opens the door, and we all make our way inside.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The music is overwhelming, and the second the doors close behind us, Donghae leans in to shout into my ear. “There are usually booths open on the balcony level. Let’s go there!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He tightens his grip on my hand, then turns to Yuri and Taeyeon and motions for them to follow.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_______________________________________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I haven’t had to use the secret code Donghae and I agreed on, and we’ve been here more than 2 hours now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve danced with several people, but as soon as the song ends, I make it a point to smile politely and head back to the booth.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Donghae and Taeyeon seem to have made a nice dent in the liquor stock, but Yuri hasn’t had a drop.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Other than a shot Donghae persuaded me to take when we first arrived, I haven’t had anything to drink, either.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“My feet hurt,” I say.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Taeyeon and Yuri have danced a couple of times but that was to slow songs, so I made it a point not to watch them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“No!” Donghae says, attempting to pull me back up. “I want to dance!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I shake my head.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He’s drunk and loud, and every time I try to dance with him, he ends up butchering my feet almost as badly as he butchers the moves.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I’ll dance with you,” Taeyeon says to him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She climbs over Yuri in the booth, and Donghae takes her hand.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They head down to the lower level to dance, and it’s the first time Yuri and I have been alone in the booth.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t like it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I like it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I do.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

See? Rotten soul.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Corrupted, rotten soul.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yul: Having fun?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m not really, but I nod, because I don’t want to be that annoying, brokenhearted girl who wants everyone around her to feel how miserable she is.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yul: I need to say something, and I may be way off base here, but I’m attempting to improve on how I unintentionally omit things from you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I look up at her and nod again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yul: Hae is in love with Bora.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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