Jessica POV

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t want to get out of bed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t want to go to class.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I definitely don’t want to go job hunting again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t want to do anything but keep this pillow pulled over my eyes, because it’s creating a nice barrier between myself and every mirror in this apartment.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t want to look in the mirror, because I’m scared I’ll see myself for who I really am this time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A girl with no morals or respect for other people’s relationships.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I can’t believe I kissed her last night.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I can’t believe she kissed me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I can’t believe I broke into tears the second she pulled away from me and I saw the look on her face.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I didn’t think it was possible to cram so much regret and sorrow into one expression.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Seeing how much she regretted being in that moment with me was one of the biggest blows my heart has ever taken.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It hurt worse than what Jun did to me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It hurt worse than what Dara did to me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But as much as it hurt seeing the regret on her face, it was nothing compared to the guilt and shame I felt when I thought of what I had done to Taeyeon.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What she had done to Taeyeon.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I knew the moment she put her hand on my chest and moved closer to me that I should have flown off the bed and made her leave the room.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But I didn’t.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I couldn’t.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The closer she moved and the longer we stared at each other, the more my body was consumed by need.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It wasn’t a basic need, like a need for water when I’m thirsty or a need for food when I’m hungry.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was an insatiable need for relief.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Relief from the want and desire that had been pent up for so long.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I never realized how powerful desire could be.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It consumes every part of you, enhancing your senses by a million.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When you’re in the moment, it enhances your sense of sight, and all you can do is focus on the person in front of you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It enhances your sense of smell, and suddenly, you’re aware of the fact that her hair has just been washed and her shirt is fresh out of the dryer.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It enhances your sense of touch and makes your skin prickle and your fingertips tingle, and it leaves you craving to be touched.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It enhances your sense of taste, and your mouth becomes hungry and wanting, and the only thing that can satisfy it is the relief of another mouth in search of the same.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But the sense my desire enhanced the most?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hearing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As soon as Yuri placed the headphones in my ears and the music began to play, the hair on my arms rose, chills erupted from my skin, and it felt as if my heart rate slowly conformed to the beat of the song.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As much as Yuri craved that sense, too, she couldn’t experience it. In that moment, all of her other senses combined failed to make up for the one sense she desired the most.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She wanted to hear me just as much as I wanted her to hear me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What happened between us didn’t happen because we were weak.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yuri didn’t run her hand up my jaw and around to the back of my head simply because I was in front of her and she was in the mood to make out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She didn’t press her body against mine because she thinks I’m attractive and knew it would feel good.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She didn’t part my lips with her because she enjoys kissing and knew she wouldn’t get caught.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Despite how hard we tried to fight it, all of those things happened between us because our feelings for each other are becoming so much stronger than our desire.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Desire is easy to fight.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Especially when the only weapon desire possesses is attraction.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s not so easy when you’re trying to win a war against the heart.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_______________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The house has been quiet since I woke up more than an hour ago.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The more I lie here and allow myself to think about what happened, the less I want to face her.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know if we don’t get it over with, the confrontation will only be harder the longer we wait.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I reluctantly get dressed and head to the bathroom to brush my teeth.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Her bedroom is quiet, and she usually has late nights that result in late mornings, so I decide to let her sleep.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ll wait it out in the living room.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I hope Donghae and Bora are either occupied with each other in a bed somewhere or still asleep, because I don’t know if I can take either of them this morning.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I open the door and walk into the living room.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I pause.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Turn around, Jessica. Turn around and go back to your room.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yuri is standing at the bar.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

However, it isn’t the sight of Yuri that’s rendered me completely immobile.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s the girl she has her arms around.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s the girl she’s pressed against.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s the girl she’s looking directly at, as if she’s the only thing that has, does, and will ever matter to her.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s the girl who planted herself between me and my maybe someday.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Donghae exits his bedroom and sees them standing together in the kitchen. “Hey, Tae. I thought you weren’t coming for a couple more weeks.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Taeyeon spins around at the sound of Donghae’s voice.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yuri’s eyes move from Taeyeon over to me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Her body tenses, and she stands up straighter, putting a slight distance between the two of them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m still immobile, or I’d be putting distance between myself and all 3 of them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I’m about to leave,” Taeyeon says, and signs simultaneously, facing Donghae. Yuri steps away from her, then quickly breaks her gaze from mine and refocuses her attention on Taeyeon. “My grandfather was admitted to the hospital yesterday. I got here last night.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She turns and gives Yuri a light peck on the lips, then heads for the front door. “It’s nothing serious, but I’m staying with him until they release him tomorrow.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Oh, man. Sorry about that,” Donghae says. “But you’ll be here the weekend of my party, right?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Party?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Taeyeon nods and takes a step back toward Yuri. She circles her arms around Yuri's neck, and she wraps her arms around Taeyeon's waist—two simple movements that completely shatter entire sections of my heart.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She rests against Taeyeon's and closes her eyes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yuri brings her hands to Taeyeon's face, then pulls back and leans in again to kiss her on the tip of her nose.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ouch.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Taeyeon exits the apartm